What are the benefits to being in a poly relationship?

nikkiana

New member
One of the questions I seem to get asked a lot by non-poly friends after coming out to them is "What are the benefits of being in a polyamory relationship? What do you like about it?" and I think it's a good question so I figured I'd turn it over here... What do you like about being in a poly relationship?
 
Being in a polyamorous relationship (mono/poly to be specific) with Redpepper, the advantages are huge for me!

If she wasn't genuinely polyamorous I would not get to share her love and intimacy and she would not get to share mine. I also would not have discovered friendship with her husband and a broader circle of friends. Polyamory has challenged me to work on my communication abilities in certain areas and allowed me to realize how infinitely deep I can love in an intimate way.

I have learned lots about myself and people in general. Also, there is the selfish side of me that feels freer to take the time to pursue other interests such as motor biking that I enjoy immensely. She keeps me true to my other passions besides her and I am overwhelmingly passionate about her. If I sound completely head over heals for Redpepper it is because I am...she is amazing!
 
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oh you make me sound so good monoVCPG.... heh :)
The benefits of poly for me are that I have an outlet to loving more. I am a very loving person and found in the past that I have much more to give of it than my monogamous relationships allowed. I found myself misunderstood by my partners and friends and felt trapped and held back from loving and actively caring and being compassionate for people. Loving for me is very much given in terms of physical intimacy as much as emotional and intellectual intimacy.
In my poly relationships I feel like I finally am able to feel completely at my capacity :)
Not only this but it means I have a big family and will hopefully never be alone. Something I fear.
 
I think that one benefit is the feeling of freedom you have when you can talk or flirt with everyone you meet without feeling guilty. You have the chance to get to know more people than you probably would in a traditional relationship. But it's obvious that polyarmory bears a lot of dangers and you have to be very careful and sensitive.
 
The benefits of poly for me are that I have an outlet to loving more. I am a very loving person and found in the past that I have much more to give of it than my monogamous relationships allowed. I found myself misunderstood by my partners and friends and felt trapped and held back from loving and actively caring and being compassionate for people. Loving for me is very much given in terms of physical intimacy as much as emotional and intellectual intimacy.
In my poly relationships I feel like I finally am able to feel completely at my capacity :)

I second that Repepper!! :)

in any mono relationship i always felt something was lacking or missing, and i often found myself having feelings for more than one person and constantly berated my self for it, having never known til i was about 24 or so that was okay and i wasn't odd or wrong in some way.

now, i know what was missing, and my partners and myself are all open to following where are hearts may wander. now i am happy and don't feel like im missing something.

not to mention its wonderful to have another outlook on situations.
 
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Imagine that you were living in a culture that expected you to be polyamorous, rather than monogamous, and which in various ways punished you for not fitting in with what that society expected and demanded of its "normal" people. Were you to feel more inclined toward a monogamous love-style, and follow your own inclinations -- despite the many challenges which would arise in being true to yourself --, would't that provide you with an opportunity to stretch, learn and grow?

I have been tremendously challenged as one growing up as a queer boy/man in a homophobic and heterosexist society, and now that I'm opening up to polyamory in a bigger way, I'm likewise being challenged by that opportunity to accept and embrace -- and unfold, express -- and love who and what I am as I am.

There are perhaps no special advantages to being polyamorous as opposed (or contrasted) to/with monoamory. But it is always good to be true to who we are in the face of unthinking adversaries and adversities.

Well, and then there's the thing about variety being the spice of life! Isn't it?! I love variety. I also love huevos rancheros for breakfast -- but not EVERY DAY, thank you!

There's no shame in my not wanting to eat huevos rancheros for every breakfast, is there?
 
WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE??? That's usually my response. :) I do have to clarify for a lot of people though that it's not just about the sex. (That's usually the first thing they think when they see me walk in with the wives)

It's a little bit of what everyone here has said. The communication that we all share is unparalleled by any monogamous couple we know. I'm not saying that Poly is the best way, but that's one of the most obvious perks to our lifestyle. I doubt that my love for my wife would be as deep and profound had we not started the poly lifestyle. Trust is NEVER an issue. How great is that??

We can all look at and flirt with whomever we want!! I never have to worry if I'm gonna get slapped because I looked at that girls...you get the idea. ;) I also never have to worry about jealous feelings because of that level of trust that we have.

All in all, I don't see any downsides to being in a Poly relationship. Sure, it's tougher at the start than a monogamous relationship, but as far as I'm concerned it's all worth it in the end. :)
 
WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE???

First let me say I love the gifts polyamory has given me!
Unsurpassed:
Love
Passion
Communication
honesty
open mindedness
friendships
And above all – Redpepper (polyamory has allowed me to share with her, not given her to me LOL!)

Having said that, being a monogamous person, if it wasn't for the immense love I found in one person who happened to be a polyamorous person, I would never have considered being involved in this love style.

There is stuff I don't love about it, but my relationship is based on the intimate love of one person and caring love I have for others in her life. I don't think polyamory is worth it for me in the sense of me seeking it out, but she is worth it a thousand fold. (I won't share the things I don't love as they are negative and aren't constructive to helping therefore should remain my own. I would hate to reinforce someone else’s concerns)

I would find it hard to believe I am not the only person who loves someone enough to overcome challenges to enjoy their love in a polyamorous relationship. But there are immense challenges in monogamous relationships too, which I was unable to overcome.

So do I credit the love style or the individual with enabling me to overcome the challenges? I credit the individual with providing the determination to overcome my differences with the love style and I credit the love style for providing me the opportunity to grow.

If tomorrow I were no longer in a polyamorous relationship, I would not seek out another. That is just honesty.

I intend to put everything I have into maintaining, growing and embracing this wonderful relationship forever. We (Redpepper, her husband, her lovers, her family and me,) have something that is absolutely incredible no matter what label I apply to it.

What isn’t to love about that?!
 
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Has Polyamory Been Worth It?

Obviously each individual can only answer that for themself.

But the question came up today. Maca asked me after I pointed out to him that this month will be 1 year since the night I wrote him a letter saying I was sorry, but this was me and I couldn't pretend to do monogomy anymore.

He asked me if it had been worth it to me.
I said yes. The fact that we've finally got a REAL relationship, a REAL connection could make most anything worth it.

He wrote me back, "believe it or not its been worth it to me too".

I couldn't help but smile.

It wasn't easy. In fact, it's been hell quite a bit of the time.

However, the value of what we've found, the happiness, the security, the confidence, has all been worth the effort we had to put in.

I love you M.
I love you GG.
 
Isn't that a never ending question? It goes on and on, life goes on and on... it isn't a static thing. It's a lifestyle that some chose or don't.

It's like asking if eating that piece of watermelon is worth it to me. It sustained me to eat it and I enjoyed it. Would I eat it again, yes. Did I need to eat it, yes. do I regret it? that doesn't make sense to the context. Was it worth it? Also doesn't make sense to the context for me.
 
What did you expect :)

OK..so obviously my opinion is skewed but....I find myself asking this question a lot lately. Not for myself but for people who are in a primary relationship i.e. husband and wife. The back and forth happiness and sadness, peak high and peak low don't seem worth it to me but I am not poly. There rarely seems to be sustained balance or stability but perhaps this is because a lot of my exposure is with people that are struggling and the really happy established poly relationships are not apparent or visible because they are simply living it. Even with Redpepper and Polynerdist I don't get it....I still can't quite figure out why it is worth it to them and if they wanted to become "not poly" I would totally understand. I think a part of me would even be very happy because I understand the feeling monogamy gave me and associate it with calm fulfillment. Again, this is because I am monogamous and can't truly appreciate poly for what it gives them.

I'm hopeless I know :eek:
 
Hopelessly adorable. :)

Most of our "hell's" had nothing to do with polyamory and everything to do with getting real with ourselves.

;)
 
What a great question.

One that I find myself unable to answer. I guess is a 'grand scheme' kind of way, sure. It`s allowed me to be true to myself, and in turn, true to those around me.

In a more specific point-by-point way,..I have no idea!

......yet.
 
LR, its funny I remember you and I talking about this previously. At that time I would have written no. Not at all. I was beginning to believe I was not Poly, and finding another would never happen.

I think overall, Poly has been worth it. Pengrah naturally fits the mold and its good to see her so happy and excited over someone. In my case, it does feel natural. An extension of what I was already doing.

I had lots of female friends, I doted over them all, treating them like girlfriends, but never getting that reciprocated. And honestly never expecting it. I just like to treat the women in my life well. But it did come to a head at one point, when one of them said "I like having you around, you are like having a boyfriend, but I don't have to fuck you"...needless to say that hit me the wrong way. Thats when I realized I love, loving other people. But that I needed to start enjoying people that may love me back.

I have found someone to hopefully do that. Only time will tell :)

Poly has been one of the most tumultuous lessons in my life, but one of the best as well.
 
I believe it will be.

I have nights like last night, things are just so *right* and I can see how awesome, how amazing it will be.

The struggles so far have been enormously painful - but have pushed us to look at ourselves more honestly, to learn to communicate more effectively and whether or not poly sticks for us - THAT makes everything worth it.

So my short answer... yes :D
 
Absolutely and without a doubt yes it is worth it. Although the relationship between my husband and I was never lacking we didn't discuss things in as much depth as we have since we started opening our relationship...calling it different things along the way until we found what fit for us.

Also how can something that brings wonderful people into my life not be worth it? Without starting out on this poly journey I never would have met my husband's girlfriend and her other boyfriend or PN and Mono and most importantly I wouldn't have been able to build what I am starting to build with RP.

Yes there are ups and downs but the good far outweighs any negativity.
 
Well, since I only have poly- relationships, the question is pretty much the same for me as "Has being romantically involved with people been worth it?"; that's a yes.

To answer the question more in the spirit it was asked, I don't feel like I've lost out on anything that would have worked well for me by not making a commitment to be monogamous.
 
How can you answer a question like that when you have only ever had polyamory as part of your current relationship? I suppose if it wasn't worth it I wouldn't still be here and here is the best relationship I've ever had so hey, yep I guess it is a big YES for me.
 
Absolutely and without a doubt yes it is worth it. Although the relationship between my husband and I was never lacking we didn't discuss things in as much depth as we have since we started opening our relationship...calling it different things along the way until we found what fit for us.

Also how can something that brings wonderful people into my life not be worth it? Without starting out on this poly journey I never would have met my husband's girlfriend and her other boyfriend or PN and Mono and most importantly I wouldn't have been able to build what I am starting to build with RP.

Yes there are ups and downs but the good far outweighs any negativity.

Derby this pretty much sums up how I feel too! It has been worth it. For me. Tumultuous to say the least but DEFINITELY worth it. My relationship with my hubs is better because I have been able to reach a different level with him. We are communicating alot better. I appreciate his understanding and acceptance-haven't reached embracing it yet but he is working on it- and I am amazed he loves and trusts me enough to let me be happy in my relationship with 2Rings. 2Rings is the key to all of this for me. Without knowing him and exploring this really awesome and beautiful and completely honest relationship, I never would have known this kind of love with either of my loves. I thank you my darling and you truly are it for me! Love conquers all!:)
 
Polyamory is part of who I am. It doesn't make sense to me as a question any more than "has being white been worth it?" or something. Worth what? I didn't do anything. It just is.

Now, if the question is "has coming out been worth it?" then yes. I am honest with the people I love, at peace with who I am, and not torturing myself anymore over what's wrong with me. Coming out was worth it and has been since before my relationship with Rag stopped being monogamous de facto, and even since before I fell in love with another man. It was worth it from the start because even just my relationship with Rag was better because of it and, just as importantly, my relationship with myself as well.
 
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