Have any of you taken a "break" with your primary while still having a secondary?

ellie

New member
Have any of you taken a "break" with your primary while still having a secondary?

Just curious if anyone has take a "break" (like not seen each other for a few weeks) while seeing a secondary in between. I don't live with my primary, but I did have all my stuff over there and a key. I don't anymore because he thinks we need to take a "break". Any thoughts?
 
why are you on a break?
I completely disagree with the idea of "breaks"...I feel it's a result of a failure to communicate and a failure to adapt your communication. One in the same really, and somewhat delusional as well...

They seem to work for only specific circumstances. Even then, the issues could of been resolved a different way.
 
I think "break" periods are usually "re-evalution" periods or perhaps periods where you're trying something else out to see if it fits better.
 
@RPC

My wife an I took a "break"...it was done for multiple reasons...and it was needed

a) she has been ill for the last few years. Being in town has not been healthy for her as this town represents a lot of her bad habits. She needed to go home to "reset" and come back with a different mindset. It was killing me to see her continuing to make the same mistakes over and over again.
b) I was wallowing in self pity over a love situation. When I am hurt, I become very introspective and need to process. Communication does nothing for me in this case, because it simply means I am rehashing the same problem over and over again. I process much better, with extreme challenges, in private
c) She was also going through some self discovery. Being home helped her find more of herself. And I couldn't be happier with how much processing she had done.

Sometimes breaks are needed, useful and healthy. I spent 3 weeks away from Pengrah and she and I came out much better because of it. You may disagree with breaks, and thats great for you. But sometimes life calls for it. I would rather take a 3 week break then still be in the same place I was in, in March.

@op

Sorry for the mini hijak. You could have simply meant a break (like school, work etc)...I have never had the opportunity to have a secondary without my primary around. So I am not sure. I am not sure of your ages etc, but sometimes love can feel like its moving to fast. So if you have moved "stuff" in that can be tremendous pressure for someone. Taking a break to reset that feeling and moving your things out could help. You should definitely talk to your partner as to WHY there is a break needed. Once its clear you may find you agree. :)
 
We've been together about a year and a half (sorry for not including that in) and he's been seeing his secondary for about 3 months (this is the first girl outside our relationship and I've been with one other about 8 months ago). I just started leaving stuff there when I had major surgery in February. We've moved really slow and built a relationship. His secondary asked to leave a toothbrush a month in and we both thought it best not too.

It's along story, and I've posted before, but we are taking a break for a few weeks I think so I can sort out my issues with the secondary. One of my main issues is she doesn't know we were/are in an open relationship. He's told her he sleeps with other people but that's it. She prefers the other women he's with to be nebulous.

I know alot about her from what he's told me and from what I've found out through facebook or her online dating profile. I know she wants a mono relationship. He doesn't like the fact that I know everything about her. He doesn't want me to meet her, contact her etc.

We fought this weekend about it and he packed up all my stuff and told me to leave. The next day we talked over instant messenger and he said maybe we just need a few weeks break.

I just don't know...oh and we are 27 and I'm 32, his secondary is 29
 
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@ariakas
Like I said, I know from experience breaks work out in specific situations. I've seen them before and have been involved obviously. But, I feel that taking a break is kind of like running away. However, the term "break" is also bit ambiguous so to clarify, i'm talking about months or years; not like a few weeks of no contact or less frequent contact. I'd say that kind of thing is perfect for certain situations. A renewal of self and all that...

@OP
My experience with the whole break scenario didn't turn out too well. However I feel it could help in a multitude of ways if the universe sees fit. Are you still talking to him, or do you have no contact?
It's possible he could feel an extreme longing for you now that you're gone...Maybe you 2 can take this time to connect back to the RAW reasons why you got together in the first place?
 
General inquiry: What about the difference between "we need a break" vs "I need a break."

In Ariakas' case, it sounded like each of you needed your own breaks from many aspects of life, not just each other. She needed to go home and be away from everything day-to-day. You need to withdraw and be with just yourself when you figure things out. That strikes me as different from "the couple" taking a break "from each other" and still carrying-on their usual day-to-day lives.

I've never taken a break in any relationship. To me, the phrase "We need a break" sounds like code for "I want to break up with you, but I'm too chicken-shit to just rip off the bandage, so I'll drag it out, pull away gradually, and hope that you eventually stop calling." If I'm in a relationship that has problems and we want to stay in the relationship, we solve the problems.

It's also a danger sign, to me, that you were effectively kicked out over one fight. Usually reactions that dramatic are because of something that's been building, not something that happened just once. Regardless, taking a break won't solve any of the problems you're having. Your problems are centered around a mutual failure to communicate and share your respective needs and boundaries.

She wants a monogamous relationship, he doesn't want you to contact her, and she doesn't really know you exist in the context of being a serious girlfriend.

My gut says he's playing her and wants you out of the way. If you "take a break" then he can tell her you "broke-up" and that he's single and available.

.....I could be reading too much into it all, but something here stinks and I don't know enough to put my finger on it.
 
We've been together about a year and a half (sorry for not including that in) and he's been seeing his secondary for about 3 months (this is the first girl outside our relationship and I've been with one other about 8 months ago). I just started leaving stuff there when I had major surgery in February. We've moved really slow and built a relationship. His secondary asked to leave a toothbrush a month in and we both thought it best not too.

It's along story, and I've posted before, but we are taking a break for a few weeks I think so I can sort out my issues with the secondary. One of my main issues is she doesn't know we were/are in an open relationship. He's told her he sleeps with other people but that's it. She prefers the other women he's with to be nebulous.

I know alot about her from what he's told me and from what I've found out through facebook or her online dating profile. I know she wants a mono relationship. He doesn't like the fact that I know everything about her. He doesn't want me to meet her, contact her etc.

We fought this weekend about it and he packed up all my stuff and told me to leave. The next day we talked over instant messenger and he said maybe we just need a few weeks break.

I just don't know...oh and we are 27 and I'm 32, his secondary is 29

I can see why you would have issues. He is cheating on her. I would be very upset about that.

I think you have just been dumped. I can't see any other reason why he would not want her to know about you and then kick you out. He wants her in a mono relationship it sounds like and you have been jeopardizing that with your annoying emotions and frustrated demands that he fess up...

I think I'd move on. He's done by the sounds of it.

It might be helpful to drop by and tell him that when she is around. Might as well spare her the drama and harm of being similarly dumped or cheated on. You could at least rest easy that she knows what he has been doing.
 
It might be helpful to drop by and tell him that when she is around. Might as well spare her the drama and harm of being similarly dumped or cheated on. You could at least rest easy that she knows what he has been doing.

Wouldn't it be hard to do that without coming across as the pissed-off jealous ex? What would you say to be taken seriously? "Is this the girl you've been cheating on me with?"
 
Wouldn't it be hard to do that without coming across as the pissed-off jealous ex? What would you say to be taken seriously? "Is this the girl you've been cheating on me with?"

Ya ya, in my fantasy world where no one has a voice but me it would work, but you are right, it would come across as such.
 
"Is this the girl you've been cheating on me with?"

perfect lead in...
 
In Ariakas' case, it sounded like each of you needed your own breaks from many aspects of life, not just each other. She needed to go home and be away from everything day-to-day. You need to withdraw and be with just yourself when you figure things out. That strikes me as different from "the couple" taking a break "from each other" and still carrying-on their usual day-to-day lives.
.

Fair enough and true :)
 
I have this nagging feeling that something isn't right. She deleted her online dating profile, he didn't. I know he doesn't want a mono relationship and is still looking to date (I saw him on Tuesday and we discussed things even further). Argh! I guess I just have to wait this out...supposed to see him on the 10th. Just feel like I'm a little blind. We'll see. Thank you everyone for your support as always!
 
I have this nagging feeling that something isn't right. She deleted her online dating profile, he didn't. I know he doesn't want a mono relationship and is still looking to date (I saw him on Tuesday and we discussed things even further). Argh! I guess I just have to wait this out...supposed to see him on the 10th. Just feel like I'm a little blind. We'll see. Thank you everyone for your support as always!



I would say your boyfriend may have encountered his first "cowgirl".

At the very least this indicates that this new girl is probably monogamous. I did the same thing when I met Redpepper. I had a POF profile for about a month, had two "encounters" and then deleted it almost as soon as I met her. Coincidentally I am monogamous...but not a cowboy ;)
 
I would say your boyfriend may have encountered his first "cowgirl".

At the very least this indicates that this new girl is probably monogamous. I did the same thing when I met Redpepper. I had a POF profile for about a month, had two "encounters" and then deleted it almost as soon as I met her. Coincidentally I am monogamous...but not a cowboy ;)

Forgive my ignorance but what's a cowgirl?
 
Forgive my ignorance but what's a cowgirl?

A cowboy/girl is someone who pretends to be polyamorous but is really interested in being in a monogamous relationship with one of the members of an existing poly set-up.

In the same way that a "cowperson" would throw a rope onto one head of cattle in an attempt to remove it from the herd, so does the "cowperson" try to remove a polyamorous person from the "herd", although the latter typically uses psychological and emotional "ropes" to do so.

It's what we call a "metaphor".
 
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^harsh ygirl?

I like the term cowboy/cowgirl, it's pretty accurate and funny. I'd say the only problem with it is that the cowboy/cowgirl try to rope people in subconsciously sometimes. I say "Virus", is a more appropriate term...hahaha

I think you're being double teamed with the cowgirl and your boyfriend's issues with your poly ideals/way of life. In the least it's just another bad sign.
 
^harsh ygirl?

I like the term cowboy/cowgirl, it's pretty accurate and funny. I'd say the only problem with it is that the cowboy/cowgirl try to rope people in subconsciously sometimes. I say "Virus", is a more appropriate term...hahaha

I think you're being double teamed with the cowgirl and your boyfriend's issues with your poly ideals/way of life. In the least it's just another bad sign.


Haha no worries, I kinda figured that's what it meant or something to that effect. I would think the whole double teaming would be accurate except my boyfriend was the poly one and I was a mono until he introduced me to the concept, and I have no problem with it (as I've had other relationships during ours). He is still looking to date etc. I just feel like something isn't right still. Y'know woman's intuition and all ;)
 
Excuse me why are you calling me "harsh"?



"Harsh" would be if I were to say, oh something like, "I'm never answering another newbie question ever again".
 
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