berlinthomas
New member
Greetings,
Disclaimer: This is a LOOOONG post. I don’t mean to be annoying but typing this was very theraputic.
I’m here looking for a little bit of guidance and mentorship from experience poly ppl. Might help to know that I have a history of depression/anxiety
Please feel free to pm or email me!
----
About my partner and myself:
I’m a 30 y/o cis straight male living on the east coast who has only ever been in monogamous relationships or slept around a little bit while single. I’m also a touring musician and constantly traveling.
My partner is a 22 y/o queer female from the midwest who has far more experience being poly than myself.
We met in September, started texting. We fell in love pretty quick and we honestly didn’t expect it to happen. I consider her “the one” and I am in the process of planning to move to go live with her.
I have always wanted to be in an open relationship but never thought that I would find the right partner for it. I’ve always felt like I (and humanity in general) was better suited to have multiple partners. Particularly having one primary/committed partner while also having secondary partners that I would see on a more casual basis. I also was worried about how I would react emotionally to the thought of my partner having sex with someone else. I’ve dealt with tons of insecurity around everything from not feeling good enough to love, feeling sexually inadequate, my dick not being big enough, feeling weak/vulnerable, feeling fat and unattractive etc. I’ve always overcompensated sexually
(To give myself credit I am constantly growing and evolving. For instance I used to freak out when partners would tell me about past sexual encounters, now I actually enjoy talking about that stuff very much, its kind of a turn on)
So the topic of opening our relationship kept coming up, I knew well before we committed to each other that she was a poly person and there was gonna be no changing that. So I told her I would be comfortable with it if we went in baby steps. For instance I have zero problems with her being with female partners.
One smart thing I think she did was she allowed me to test the waters with the opposite sex first. While I was in Europe I ended up hooking up with a handful of girls out there
So I tell her that I’m now in a place where I’m comfortable with her pursuing male partners. I was a little reluctant but considering that we were long distance and I was touring heavily, I felt it unfair to deprive her sexually, especially since I had been given the freedom to experiment. (Little did I know I would pretty much be in a 3 month dry spell after Europe).
Now our agreement is that we have an open relationship with casual partners (obviously connection/friendship is okay) that aren’t suppose to be second boyfriends or girlfriends. Mostly just for fun and sex. And that if we feel uncomfortable at any moment we can pull the plug. For instance theres one girl that likes me very much but makes my partner feel insecure, I don’t question it, I don’t even consider her an option so I leave her alone.
I set some guidelines, she hooks up with the first guy and I honestly felt fine about it. We talked a little bit about the details and it was kind of hot.
She hooks up with the second guy THIS IS WHERE THINGS GO SOUTH. The first couple times its fine, we talk about the details a little bit. She admits that he made her squirt which is something that she’s never done before (she claims with US when she gets close to that point, its very intense sos he usually asks me to stop, but that now she’s comfortable she wants todo that with me from now on). Didn’t bother me…. At first
About a week after we last saw each other, she starts dropping hints about having a “crush” on this second guy. I wasn’t sure what she meant by that. Through social media I actually figured out who he was. Which was fine, he’s a DJ, seemed relatively non threatening. until last week her and her roommate went out and I was watching their Instagram storyline updates. Her roommate was taking videos of them and while they weren’t all over each other, I could clearly see the chemistry between them. It really hurt my feelings a lot, like a lot more than I expected.
We end up getting into a discussion about it and this is when things got bad. We don’t yell or fight with each other. But I told her that I was feeling very insecure and not okay with the fact that she is turning this guy into like a second boyfriend. She starts crying and feeling guilty for hurting me, saying things like “I never should have forced you to do this” Its basically a mess now. We are non confrontational people so we basically shut down when faced with a hard conversation or difficult emotions. She says that she really didn’t expect to develop feelings for this guy and that he’s “very sensitive and respectful “ to our situation and “is very experienced being poly.” But I said that I still feel like this is way too fucking fast, and this is not what I agreed to. We kind of came to a stale mate.
A few days later, her and her roommate are hanging out with him again and this time the Instagram update has a video of them two holding hands, knowing full well that I was seeing all these updates. I check this dudes Instagram and he’s posting all this cocky shit. “Ordering so may condoms online! Think I’ll make a lent calendar with condoms this month!”
And here’s the kicker, he posts a fucking screen shot of a text conversation with my partner (with her name/number cropped out) that says this
“Lol, you told ____ that my dick was magic?”
“Haha yes! You bet I did, after the first time I was like girrrrrrlllll this man had me squirting like a porn star wowwww”
It really hurt to read that... like a lot, and for many reasons. like how is that “respecting” my relationship in anyway? what the fuck?
I confront her about it in a very calm way and she basically said she confronted him about it as soon as he posted it and he said “oh well I know he (me) knows my twitter and would see it so thats why I posted it on Instagram, I just thought it was funny I’m seriously not trying to hurt anyone”. basically he thought I wasn't going to see it because his username on Instagram is different, but I still found him.
I’m kind of pissed that she didn’t demand that he take it down. I know she’s not confrontational or whatever but still. This is majorly fucked up. It also hurts me to know that she has conversations like that about him.... I dread to know what else they talk about. The post is still up by the way and I know that they’ve hung out since which means she didn’t bring it up that I had seen it. Which I’m not sure is a good or a bad thing at this point.
Wow this was long. My main point is. I’m feeling a lot of negative thins. I feel guilty for reacting so poorly. I feel like I’m being a bad guy or patriarchal and controlling for feeling this way. I’m beating myself up because honestly I thought I was more of an evolved person than this. I’d love to be in a fully open relationship and we were going at a good pace but we went to expert level when I don’t even fully know how to play the game yet.
Things are weird with us now, theres a distance and I can’t tell if its because we are fighting or if its because this guy is replacing me. Thats basically how I feel, I feel like this guy swooped in when he knew I was not there to do anything about it and is now replacing me. I see the interactions between her and her best friend on twitter and it reminds me of how the 3 of us used to interact when I first started dating her and it fucking kills me. I also feel like the more I express myself, the more she gravitates towards him. We can’t even have makeup sex at the moment
I feel like I’m being muscled out and if I try to VETO this, she’s going to be devastated. This is at a time where I’m back in my shitty home town completely alone, emotionally drained, no friends, no one to really talk to. Basically I was just going to work my ass off for the next month, save up some money and move in with her and start a new life.
I WANT to be in a poly relationship, but I know emotionally I have so much more to grow, but I feel like shit is moving way too fast than I’m comfortable with. I have a hard time deciphering what this dudes intentions are with my partner. Whether this is normal for being poly. They are hanging out a couple times a week, sometimes not even for sex. And I’m stuck here. I’m also not getting laid at all, I really have zero prospects for outside partners right now.
So to wrap this novel of a story up, here are my questions:
Is this normal for poly? Does it seem like this is an example of her having a secondary parter or does this guy seem like he’s trying to muscle me out?
Does it get better? Has anyone else dealt with jealousy/insecurity and worked through it? Whats it like on the other side?
Should I do an emergency visit to come see her? Do you think using phsycially being together will help alleviate the situation?
any input is appreciated, thanks so much for taking the time
Disclaimer: This is a LOOOONG post. I don’t mean to be annoying but typing this was very theraputic.
I’m here looking for a little bit of guidance and mentorship from experience poly ppl. Might help to know that I have a history of depression/anxiety
Please feel free to pm or email me!
----
About my partner and myself:
I’m a 30 y/o cis straight male living on the east coast who has only ever been in monogamous relationships or slept around a little bit while single. I’m also a touring musician and constantly traveling.
My partner is a 22 y/o queer female from the midwest who has far more experience being poly than myself.
We met in September, started texting. We fell in love pretty quick and we honestly didn’t expect it to happen. I consider her “the one” and I am in the process of planning to move to go live with her.
I have always wanted to be in an open relationship but never thought that I would find the right partner for it. I’ve always felt like I (and humanity in general) was better suited to have multiple partners. Particularly having one primary/committed partner while also having secondary partners that I would see on a more casual basis. I also was worried about how I would react emotionally to the thought of my partner having sex with someone else. I’ve dealt with tons of insecurity around everything from not feeling good enough to love, feeling sexually inadequate, my dick not being big enough, feeling weak/vulnerable, feeling fat and unattractive etc. I’ve always overcompensated sexually
(To give myself credit I am constantly growing and evolving. For instance I used to freak out when partners would tell me about past sexual encounters, now I actually enjoy talking about that stuff very much, its kind of a turn on)
So the topic of opening our relationship kept coming up, I knew well before we committed to each other that she was a poly person and there was gonna be no changing that. So I told her I would be comfortable with it if we went in baby steps. For instance I have zero problems with her being with female partners.
One smart thing I think she did was she allowed me to test the waters with the opposite sex first. While I was in Europe I ended up hooking up with a handful of girls out there
So I tell her that I’m now in a place where I’m comfortable with her pursuing male partners. I was a little reluctant but considering that we were long distance and I was touring heavily, I felt it unfair to deprive her sexually, especially since I had been given the freedom to experiment. (Little did I know I would pretty much be in a 3 month dry spell after Europe).
Now our agreement is that we have an open relationship with casual partners (obviously connection/friendship is okay) that aren’t suppose to be second boyfriends or girlfriends. Mostly just for fun and sex. And that if we feel uncomfortable at any moment we can pull the plug. For instance theres one girl that likes me very much but makes my partner feel insecure, I don’t question it, I don’t even consider her an option so I leave her alone.
I set some guidelines, she hooks up with the first guy and I honestly felt fine about it. We talked a little bit about the details and it was kind of hot.
She hooks up with the second guy THIS IS WHERE THINGS GO SOUTH. The first couple times its fine, we talk about the details a little bit. She admits that he made her squirt which is something that she’s never done before (she claims with US when she gets close to that point, its very intense sos he usually asks me to stop, but that now she’s comfortable she wants todo that with me from now on). Didn’t bother me…. At first
About a week after we last saw each other, she starts dropping hints about having a “crush” on this second guy. I wasn’t sure what she meant by that. Through social media I actually figured out who he was. Which was fine, he’s a DJ, seemed relatively non threatening. until last week her and her roommate went out and I was watching their Instagram storyline updates. Her roommate was taking videos of them and while they weren’t all over each other, I could clearly see the chemistry between them. It really hurt my feelings a lot, like a lot more than I expected.
We end up getting into a discussion about it and this is when things got bad. We don’t yell or fight with each other. But I told her that I was feeling very insecure and not okay with the fact that she is turning this guy into like a second boyfriend. She starts crying and feeling guilty for hurting me, saying things like “I never should have forced you to do this” Its basically a mess now. We are non confrontational people so we basically shut down when faced with a hard conversation or difficult emotions. She says that she really didn’t expect to develop feelings for this guy and that he’s “very sensitive and respectful “ to our situation and “is very experienced being poly.” But I said that I still feel like this is way too fucking fast, and this is not what I agreed to. We kind of came to a stale mate.
A few days later, her and her roommate are hanging out with him again and this time the Instagram update has a video of them two holding hands, knowing full well that I was seeing all these updates. I check this dudes Instagram and he’s posting all this cocky shit. “Ordering so may condoms online! Think I’ll make a lent calendar with condoms this month!”
And here’s the kicker, he posts a fucking screen shot of a text conversation with my partner (with her name/number cropped out) that says this
“Lol, you told ____ that my dick was magic?”
“Haha yes! You bet I did, after the first time I was like girrrrrrlllll this man had me squirting like a porn star wowwww”
It really hurt to read that... like a lot, and for many reasons. like how is that “respecting” my relationship in anyway? what the fuck?
I confront her about it in a very calm way and she basically said she confronted him about it as soon as he posted it and he said “oh well I know he (me) knows my twitter and would see it so thats why I posted it on Instagram, I just thought it was funny I’m seriously not trying to hurt anyone”. basically he thought I wasn't going to see it because his username on Instagram is different, but I still found him.
I’m kind of pissed that she didn’t demand that he take it down. I know she’s not confrontational or whatever but still. This is majorly fucked up. It also hurts me to know that she has conversations like that about him.... I dread to know what else they talk about. The post is still up by the way and I know that they’ve hung out since which means she didn’t bring it up that I had seen it. Which I’m not sure is a good or a bad thing at this point.
Wow this was long. My main point is. I’m feeling a lot of negative thins. I feel guilty for reacting so poorly. I feel like I’m being a bad guy or patriarchal and controlling for feeling this way. I’m beating myself up because honestly I thought I was more of an evolved person than this. I’d love to be in a fully open relationship and we were going at a good pace but we went to expert level when I don’t even fully know how to play the game yet.
Things are weird with us now, theres a distance and I can’t tell if its because we are fighting or if its because this guy is replacing me. Thats basically how I feel, I feel like this guy swooped in when he knew I was not there to do anything about it and is now replacing me. I see the interactions between her and her best friend on twitter and it reminds me of how the 3 of us used to interact when I first started dating her and it fucking kills me. I also feel like the more I express myself, the more she gravitates towards him. We can’t even have makeup sex at the moment
I feel like I’m being muscled out and if I try to VETO this, she’s going to be devastated. This is at a time where I’m back in my shitty home town completely alone, emotionally drained, no friends, no one to really talk to. Basically I was just going to work my ass off for the next month, save up some money and move in with her and start a new life.
I WANT to be in a poly relationship, but I know emotionally I have so much more to grow, but I feel like shit is moving way too fast than I’m comfortable with. I have a hard time deciphering what this dudes intentions are with my partner. Whether this is normal for being poly. They are hanging out a couple times a week, sometimes not even for sex. And I’m stuck here. I’m also not getting laid at all, I really have zero prospects for outside partners right now.
So to wrap this novel of a story up, here are my questions:
Is this normal for poly? Does it seem like this is an example of her having a secondary parter or does this guy seem like he’s trying to muscle me out?
Does it get better? Has anyone else dealt with jealousy/insecurity and worked through it? Whats it like on the other side?
Should I do an emergency visit to come see her? Do you think using phsycially being together will help alleviate the situation?
any input is appreciated, thanks so much for taking the time