Blogging, blogging, blogging.

I don't know if this is going to make sense or not. I sent my therapist (who I hadn't needed to see since the start of the year) a message asking to talk to her so I can get this to make sense.

Lots of little things, all add up to one big thing. Probably easiest to start at the big thing and work down.

I don't truly have anyone who loves me/cares about me except on their own time table and if it doesn't fit in to have me there they just don't. What sucks is most of this applies to my fiancee.

Whenever Woodsmith and I have the potential for time alone he either runs off to the basement to work or into the computer or television. He doesn't ever try to engage me and if I try to engage him then it's met at a brick wall.

About 90% of the time I try to talk to Woodsmith about anything he does one of three things. He either completes ignores it (well I guess that isn't right, he doesn't ever realize that I'm saying anything to him), interrupts me because he thinks he knows better than me about anything and doesn't need to hear what I say, or just throws it aside after agreeing to it.

Anytime he DOES want to be affectionate towards me or anything more intimate or passionate is when I'm being affectionate with someone else. He doesn't even want to look at me unless my attention is on someone else.

Lamian (and Primal for that matter but on a lower level) doesn't really respect my relationship with Primal. Last Wednesday (the 10th) Primal's brother had moved to town so I offered to move our day. Which worked out well because Lamian had requested to have that time with Primal since his brother had moved in. Lamian and Primal had gotten into a major fight earlier about Darkeyes and Primal's problem with Lamian putting Darkeyes to co-primary status and focusing so much time on him. Primal and I had decided on the 7th we would move our day to the 13th. On the 9th Lamian (knowing that we were talking about moving our day) decides she wants Primal to go to St. Charles with her to work on stuff at the Ren Faire site because she was already planning on spending Thursday, Friday, and Sunday with Darkeyes and there was no way that anything could be important in Primal's life other than what she wants (even though she could have gotten rid of one of her days because that meant from Wednesday she was going to be with Darkeyes all the way until Tuesday afternoon for no reason other than she wanted to). Primal did explain we already had plans and if she wanted to spend more time with him she would have to give up one of her days with Darkeyes (needless to say she didn't). On his end of things, we could be having a conversation or watching a movie and he allows Lamian to pull him away in the middle of something because she wants to talk to him.

I don't know what's keeping me here in St. Louis. I don't have anyone. I could do my type of job anywhere. I could do photography, burlesque, fire anywhere.
 
Also I can't count on Woodsmith. He'll tell me over and over that he'll do something and he never will. He makes promises that he never keeps and then gets pissy when I get upset with him.

And he still refuses to show me affection unless he wants in my pants, which basically means we haven't had sex for a few month because I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore when he does jack shit to show me that he wants me.
 
Ever heard of the expression that 'your mind creates your reality'?

I'm not sure how you project to the people you talk about in real life, but based on your writing you seem to go through a lot of times where you internally devalue yourself and people around you as a kind of negative discharge of worries and doubts. Of course you may not literally feel this way, but it does make me think that if you're being dramatic on the bad days, you might be equally the opposite on good days. Which, if I were around you and saw a glimmer of this behavior, I'd probably be wary of triggering you one way or the other. Right or wrong, I'd avoid you.

This cycle of pain, healing and more pain followed by healing (etc) seems to be a hard thing to deal with, and for that I feel for you and everyone like you I've ever come across (and there are many). I think you hope for better, but that you don't know how to make it so.

This blog may be therapy for you, and great for you if it helps. But if you could go back, change the names and read this blog like an outsider looking in at a stranger, what would make of it all? Do you share these thoughts with others in the way you describe them here, or do they only get a watered down version?

I think at some point, the inner mind has to meet the outer world and come to a reckoning, if there's any hope of finding happiness. Even if that means losing everything in favor of finding some internal peace that enables you to meet the world as a person in charge of themselves, their behaviors, and their path in life.
 
I pretty much use the blog when I'm in a bad mindset because writing when I'm low actually helps.

I talked with Woodsmith (because something I forgot to put in on the earlier posts was the fact that the only reason the stuff regarding Primal was giving me issues was because of things with Woodsmith). He feels that the reason he's had such a disconnect is because of how poor his focus and memory are (he has really bad ADHD). He's going to go to counselling and look into going on medication to see if those help.

Pretty much once I had that conversation all of the upset I was feeling just went away.
 
So an over-all update.

Lamian, Primal, and Darkeyes dynamic is slowly getting things worked out. Lamian has made it clear to both Primal and Darkeyes that she is willing and wanting to have the changes that Primal requested go forward. Right now the biggest hold up is that Darkeyes needs to stop seeing Primal as a negative force that shouldn't be around him (Darkeyes and Lamian got together when Primal and her were having problems and Darkeyes still sees Primal as the "bad guy").

Primal informed me of a conversation he had with Lamian about his and my relationship having a small change. We've started incorporating d/s into things (not to a dom/sub level, more of a top/bottom level). During that conversation she mentioned the fact she is still working through how to interact in regards to me after both of us being sick and getting better and the fact that Primal and my relationship (which was only planned to be fun and short term) did develop into something serious and long-term.

Primal and I also talked about how to help Woodsmith with the issues I mentioned having with him. Just how to interact with me in a way that satisfies my need for touch and affection (Primal and I are both empathic and tactile so there's a lot of cuddling/affection there that I need in my relationships. Woodsmith isn't because he sometimes delves into his own little world and can't really get pulled back out well.)

On a serious note (and not so poly but one that if someone has advice PLEASE PM me with it). Yesterday I went to the wedding of one of our friends. The founder of my burlesque troupe and her now husband (who DM's the D&D game Primal, Woodsmith, and I play). While there what I figure is my social anxiety hit me to a level that I realized a few things. 1) I'm not really a social chameleon but instead I can survive in social environments when I'm either connected to someone in my family, dancing, spinning, or taking photos. 2) If those aren't able I close off (either mentally by sitting by myself in the crowd or physically by finding somewhere to hide). 3) If things get too overstimulating I crave something sharp to try and pull myself out of my head. Before getting in the hospital the doctor I was seeing said all my anxiety stemmed from depression and I did not need any anti-anxieties for a PRN need. However, I've realized this is not the case and for situations where I may fall to step 3 having something like Xanax on hand would be good. In a months time I'm going to have two situations where I can fall there (a wrap party for cast/merchants at Ren Faire and my own wedding) and I have no idea how I'm going to make it through.

I have plans in mind. One I know shouldn't be hard, having my family and a couple of people aware so if I need to grab and go I can. The other isn't as easy because I've never been officially diagnosed with social anxiety so I don't know how easy getting a prescription for something as addictive as Xanax would be or how to get a hold of it otherwise.
 
This past week things have been better with Woodsmith. He's being more present and more concerned with me and how I am doing. I'm still not anywhere near 100% of thinking I can count on him again but it's better. Part of me is curious how things are going to go once his internship starts tomorrow (he should be done by 5 so the question is does he think of coming home or doing something else afterwards). But I know he's been aggravated at the lack of sexual contact (honestly once I took care of what I needed to in therapy I realized I would give up sex way to easy to make believe I had love so since that revelation about 2 years ago I realized that if I wasn't feeling love from someone I wasn't going to have sex with them) and since he has been showing some improvements I may surprise him with some today.

Things with Primal are still going really well. A couple of weeks ago we've started adding in some D/s elements to our relationship and it showed me a big difference between my relationship with him and my relationship with Woodsmith in regards to the D/s. Woodsmith is very much geared towards sadism and pushing to the edge of boundaries. I've been trying since we got together almost 4 years ago to convince him to at least get a play partner who is open to that stuff so he can work it out with them and hopefully not want to do that all with me. He never has so I never get to really let go because I'm always needing to be completely aware of every little thing he is doing. Primal and I both have empathic natures so every time we've done something D/s related he's able to get me flying.

Last weekend I had some serious fears that I do want to spend time talking with Primal about. One of his concerns when we got together was that our relationship would upsurp my relationship with Woodsmith. Things between Woodsmith and I haven't been the best because he's closed off from me (as opposed to me putting Primal above him) and has basically neglected any emotional/mental caring. So one of my fears, that I briefly mentioned to Primal but we've yet to have any alone time to talk about it, is that if Woodsmith doesn't step up that I'm going to lose him as well.
 
So I think my fiancee tried to rape me Sunday morning. I was sleeping in the tent (we work Ren Faire and camp out during the weekends of it) when he came in. I woke up, frozen from what was happening to him pull my underwear to the side and starting to finger me (which to my knowledge is the fifth time this has happened in our 4 years together). After a few moments of that, and myself getting wet despite my fear, he tried to push his way in about 4 or 5 times (thankfully my body didn't betray me to the point of not tightening up to block him).

I'm planning on confronting him about it at home today when I'm home from work and he's home from site. Lamian at the least should be in the house so even if we are in a different room I will not be alone with him. I have now realized the trust that I had gotten back from him emotionally neglecting me for about 18 months is now completely shattered and I'm afraid of him. I don't know if this has happened during instances I have not woken up and therefore am not aware, and cannot trust it won't happen again.

Have hit a point where I need him to acknowledge what he did and agree to both couple counseling and counseling for himself for us to continue. Otherwise I have no idea where to go from here. There's a part of me that wants to tell him if he doesn't that we are still getting married because I'm not screwing my parents out of the 10K they have put up for this because he won't respect boundaries and I need to be married to get food stamps but that he is moving out and finding somewhere else to live. We'll be married on paper but nothing else.
 
Talked with Woodsmith. He's going to find counseling in regards to what he's done (and the five previous things) and we will be doing couples counseling to help me re-build trust.

So how bout something positive. Primal and I are going splendidly. Recent development is starting to dabble a bit into M/S. Basically he is not just my boyfriend but my lord, dragon, owner, and master (I use any of those endearments) while I'm his lady, princess, pet, and slave (match with the order of his). He's also told me that he will be my protector because I am his charge and it is his responsibility to his charge to make sure she is safe.
 
I wasn't feeling love from someone I wasn't going to have sex with them) and since he has been showing some improvements...

I never get to really let go ....

Things between Woodsmith and I haven't been the best because he's closed off from me (as opposed to me putting Primal above him) and has basically neglected any emotional/mental caring.

There's a part of me that wants to tell him if he doesn't that we are still getting married because I'm not screwing my parents out of the 10K they have put up for this because he won't respect boundaries and I need to be married to get food stamps but that he is moving out and finding somewhere else to live. We'll be married on paper but nothing else.

PLEASE be careful of what you are doing to yourself here. Maybe more counseling for you alone is in order as well?

I know you probably only post at the worst times, but you are talking about marrying someone you don't trust, who doesn't seem to care for your needs, and instead abuses you. Even if it's just on paper, how are you going to feel about that, and what will it do to the rest of your life? Will you be able to be honest about the state of the marriage with others, or will the flaws in the marriage create falsehoods and barriers in other relationships that are important to you?

And you think your parents would value 10K more than your welfare? And that they would value spending it on a sham?

May be marriage solves short term problem - food stamps - but is it really worth the long term price?

I think you need to get to a place where you see your life as your responsibility, more under your own control. And learn to generate more happiness for yourself.
 
So Woodsmith has contacted a few places to get his part of things started. If he hasn't heard anything by the wedding I'm going to have him call all the places at least once a week to get us somewhere.

Lamian has gotten a lot more comfortable with the developments in the relationship between Primal and I. She's just worried of being seen as a third wheel so one of the things that is going to be work on is if we start getting to an uncomfortable place her letting us know at that moments so we can step back then.

Primal and I have talked about things that might really help me. I can get so upset/stressed about the fact that things that I do may hurt someone else (such as Lamian not feeling comfortable with things) and so one of the things that we are going to work on is helping me and the family start working towards having me as a submissive to them all (and still his slave). We've started looking at a website about B.E.S.T. slave training (which interests my psychology side having a lot of Adler in it). Today one of the tasks I had was to start thinking of what I viewed the concept of a perfect slave. While I haven't been able to see things in relation to tasks/goals I was able to delve into what I view the psyche of the slave as. Which had me acknowledge some of my fears of being degraded to a second class citizen who's wants and needs could be ignored if someone else doesn't want to have them acknowledged (that my happiness can be sacrificed for anyone else's). I discussed these with Primal to which he stated that making sure that I'm able to feel confident and happy in my relationships and know that I will not be less is part of his role of protecting me as my master and in making sure that which belongs to him is kept in a nice state.

Hey, what do you know? A pretty positive post.

There are a few more things mulling about in my head about various things but the ability to translate them from head to words has not yet approached.
 
Something Woodsmith and I decided on. We aren't going to sign the marriage certificate (and if we need to get another one we will) until after we've started taking care of some of these issues so if it turns out we are going to have to move apart we don't have to go through all the legal stuff of nullifying a marriage.

However to demonstrate that we are committed to each other and fixing this we are going to enter a domestic partnership after the wedding.
 
Something Woodsmith and I decided on. We aren't going to sign the marriage certificate (and if we need to get another one we will) until after we've started taking care of some of these issues so if it turns out we are going to have to move apart we don't have to go through all the legal stuff of nullifying a marriage.

However to demonstrate that we are committed to each other and fixing this we are going to enter a domestic partnership after the wedding.

I don't understand why you are having a wedding at all. Why not push off the date? Not actually getting legally married just seems like a work around for a bad relationship.

Here is what I do not understand. Why are you with Woodsmith? Seriously. Why? He doesn't understand boundaries, he doesn't support you emotionally. He raped you.

From your description, he does not sound capable of being an emotional mature adult right now. Why do you stay? What are you getting out of this?

I wish you the best - I do. And I realize you post usually only the bad stuff because you are trying to figure things out for yourself.

But, CG, the bad stuff is really fucking bad. We're not talking minor disagreements but the big RED FLAG RUN AWAY BREAK UP stuff.

If you read over your blog, you will find the same issues about Woodsmith coming up again and again - and intensifying over time. Please consider getting out of this relationship. It's not going to get better.
 
I guess the answer has a couple of levels to it. I do love him. And I do think that if he actually works on stuff (which I have made clear to him finally that if he doesn't then it is a deal breaker and I'm gone) things would be fine.

But I also have this fear of myself that I wouldn't be able to find someone that would want me as a primary partner (mind you I have no idea if things with Primal would go that way if Woodsmith and I were to explode because he's mentioned he only wants me to see him as a secondary so I can have my relationship with Woodsmith be primary) and I know that I would become very clingy towards Primal without that and I don't want to harm his relationship with Lamian if that's not something that would be okay.
 
Fear is no reason to stay in a relationship. And why not drop all this need for primary and secondary labels or just all see each other as co-primaries -- you are often wrestling with issues surrounding labels, which are just arbitrary titles, really.

Also, love isn't all it's cracked up to be! Loving someone simply isn't enough to make a relationship nurturing and satisfying on all levels, nor is it enough for a true, functioning, mutually supportive partnership (which is what a marriage is) - people have to show up, keep their word, be trustworthy, and be there for each other, in order to be good partners. There are plenty of instances where it is more appropriate and healthy to let go of someone you love. I agree with Opalescent that you would probably benefit if you postponed the wedding and rethought this idea of getting married to someone who seems so wrong for you in so many ways.
 
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Since we aren't doing any of the legal stuff there's a part of me that sees the wedding right now as a big party with friends and the promise that if the problems do get taken care of the legal stuff can be done later. I guess I figure since the money has already been paid may as well still have the big party even if no one there knows that the legal side of things isn't going to get done.

I know that love isn't enough which is why I've finally hit the point that if after now (when I've flat out told him that it's either all the therapy {his for the sex abuse, him getting his own mental health issues taken care of, us for couples} happens or we are done) if nothing changes I will be ending things. I just feel that since he just now realized how bad things are I need to give him that chance to fix things before ending everything.

I asked him during this conversation why he was with me and he said I make him want to be better to which I told him this was his last chance to buy a ticket to win the lottery because he seemed to think wanting to be better and not doing any work was enough.

One of the things that I know will need to be taken care of in couples counseling is during the conversation when I stated what needed to happen he informed me that the reason he spends more time tinkering and doing his own little projects rather than spending time with me is that he understands them and he doesn't understand me. I talked to Primal to see if he had any advice for Woodsmith he could talk to about because he does get me but that wouldn't work. One of the reasons he mentions he sometimes has problems even explaining how I am and work to Lamian (because she sometimes gets confused as to things they never had in their relationship is such a pivotal part for both Primal and I) but that he finds knowing me and what I need just comes to him as easy as breathing so trying to explain it the words are never there.
 
I am not okay. Don't worry, not depressed.

Mid April Primal's brother came to stay with us. It was only supposed to be for a week or two. He was leaving the tiny little town after he decided he needed to get away because of the fact he couldn't get clean off meth if there. Having HIV made it more difficult for him to find places but apparently St Louis had a halfway house he could stay at if he could make it. The halfway house knew our home was in the city.

PB gets here and is then told that since where he was staying was in the city and not the county he couldn't stay there. So PB starts to look for a job/someplace to live. May 26th he relapsed and decided he needed to go into rehab.

June 23rd Primal and Lamian took PB down to Hannibal where he was going to stay for his rehab. Wednesday he decided he was fine and left rehab and hitch-hiked back to St. Louis. Today after Woodsmith and I got home from my parent's I noticed he's here.

I'm not okay with this. If he hadn't relapsed earlier in the month or if he had actually put in the work of being at rehab things would be different. But if he wouldn't put in the work and rehab he isn't going to out. I'm not okay if he's going to be staying here again for an indefinite period of time. I'm not taking the risk of someone using in my home, coming home while high, or the people he's using with knowing where I live.

I haven't been able to sleep since getting home because of this (Got home at 11 it is currently 3:30). I'm going to inform Primal and Lamian that I'm not okay with this and that I will not be living in this house if he is going to be here again. Hell, I'm not even going to be staying the night in this house as long as he is here. This is a risk I am not willing to take and one that I do not agree to.
 
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Sunburns suck.

My not being able to sleep was for no reason. PB was only there that night because the people he was going to be staying with were out of town that night.

Saturday I did my first fire performance.

Sunday Primal and I spent the whole day at an amusement park. Other than my wallet and cell phone getting stolen 30 min before close it was an awesome day.

And then I woke up in a sunburn.
 
I feel like a bad girlfriend, pet, and slave today.

So I mentioned having my phone stolen on Sunday. This really sucks for me because I really enjoy texting Primal and Woodsmith throughout the day. Even if I don't get a response I want them to know they are on my mind and I love them.

Primal's boss was on vacation this week. Someone who was working at the store quit a few days before so things got really scuffled around. He's been working 12:30 to close shifts most days with a couple of open to closes.

In between that he's been broody and upset regarding his relationship with Lamian and her being really closed off to him (early today he admitted he has been depressed and anxious because of it) so pretty much anytime he isn't home he's been paying every ounce of his attention on her if she's home. A couple of weeks ago we had talked about the fact we both felt that our relationship wasn't getting enough time for the two of us and were going to spend more time together. This entire week we've had only 12 hours together, 6 of which we were asleep. Otherwise he's been fighting with Lamian, running off to do things with her because they have been fighting, or if she isn't at home heading out to just not be at home.

I hadn't realized I was hitting a emotional breaking point (this plus the not having the phone plus in a week he's going to a training for a week and I know he's going to want to spend most of his time before and after with his wife) until last night when I woke up in tears.

This morning I was able to articulate what was wrong but I still feel like I've betrayed him by listening to my emotions rather than trusting that he still loves me and wants me.

So now they are out and about again and won't be home till probably late. Woodsmith is out at his family farm with his dad probably until sometime tomorrow. And because Lamian doesn't like Primal really focusing attention on me if she's home (he isn't the best at splitting his attention, if he's sitting between us and being affectionate with one the other will get ignored) I know I won't have any time to reconnect with him until Wednesday. Plus he leaves either next Sunday or Monday for his work training so again it's going to be a time where I'll only have about 12 hours with him and at least half of those will be asleep.

So now I'm a complete mess.
 
Also thought I'd have an update on things with me and Woodsmith. He's actually doing what I asked of him and I have also realized that there are somethings that I need to remember about him.

He doesn't know how to communicate with the love language of touch or quality time. He's a gift giver. So when I'm doing poorly and he buys me something rather than spending time with me or cuddling that's his way of trying to make me feel better.

I do sometimes get a little apprehensive when he starts doing/saying something sexually based but I know a lot of that is because I still don't know what has driven him in the past to break my boundaries due to my past and until we have some progress there I'm probably not going to have a full comfort level.

Other than that he's been back to being present with me in the ways he was before I got sick so really good things are coming back there.
 
God I hate my mother. She's a conniving, fucking bitch who tries to guilt trip me and when it fails in the past has hit me.

She seems to think that if I do ANYTHING not with Woodsmith that we are going to fall apart. I just went off on her. Basically a reminder I have a life without him as well and he's not my entire focus on everything.
 
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