Advice on handling rejection

Artnut

New member
This is my first post here, and I'll try to keep it to the point. I am married, my husband has a long-term girlfriend, but neither of them are relevant to the story. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. Just over a year ago I started dating a woman who became my girlfriend, I introduced her to my boyfriend and they started dating. Then their spouses also started dating. Fairly quickly the four of them started to make plans and go on vacations as a foursome, often leaving me out. I still had a great one-on-one relationship with both my BF and my GF, but I have struggled immensely with feeling left out of the group dynamic. I asked if we could do more triad activities, but my GF felt uncomfortable going out in public with the three of us, she prefers a quad dynamic to a triad dynamic. About a month ago I finally broke up with my GF because I was tired of feeling like an after thought, and her response was "yeah, I think you wanted this to be more than it was." I was pretty crushed.

I'm still with my boyfriend, and he's been ok, but empathy is not one of his strengths. I feel like I would have been able to handle this better at a more opportune time, but my husband is out of town for 6 weeks for work, and I'm in the middle of recovering from knee surgery (ACL reconstruction, 2 days post-op). I feel a bit like my entire poly support system has crumbled just when I need it most (my boyfriend is traveling with my ex-gf and their spouses this week).

Has anyone else been through something similar? I'm seriously struggling right now, and my physical pain and immobility is making it ten times worse. Thanks for letting me vent.
 
I understand feeling left out, even if it were just friends I would feel that way. I don't think there is a lot you can do, especially now that your girlfriend and you broke up. i'm really sorry that you are basically left in the lurch to recover while everyone else is away. no advice, just hugs
 
I'm sorry you're having such a crappy time right now. Rejection sucks even when you aren't dealing with pain, immobility, and absent support structures. It sounds like a lot of your support system is unavailable (I wouldn't say crumbling) because other people are off doing other things at the exact moment when things turned a bad way for you. It isn't their fault and it isn't your fault either, it's just something that happened.

My advice would be to take some time to love yourself. If I was in your situation, I would do some of what my friend Flame calls masturdating. Do some things you really enjoy doing, guilt-free, by yourself. See a movie (or watch some Netflix), get a massage (or hire one in-home), go to a salon (or do your own nails or whatever makes you feel sexy and desirable) whatever the things are that you like to do with others as much as your physical limitations allow. If you don't like doing alone things, maybe get in touch with some friends you haven't seen in a while. When your people get back from their respective vacations, let them know that you're really hurting for support right now.
 
((((hugs))))

I'm sorry that this has felt so sucky to you. Feeling left out is totally valid. As a PP said, feeling left out, even if they were "just" your friends, could totally be a "normal" feeling for you to have.

But the idea that - because you are dating them both - you have any "right" to a triad or going out as a triad - nope, sorry, that's not yours to demand. You can certainly ask. And you can absolutely be bummed when the answer is 'no'. But a triad dynamic with your BF & your GF (even if they are dating each other) is not something you should try to insist on.

I agree with AutumnLeaves about masturdating for the moment. Take care of yourself! Grieve that what you wanted wasn't what happened - that is worthy of grieving about, because it sucks. But it'll be healthier for you to work your way out of any feelings of entitlement or that you deserved to be part of their group. Sure, it would have been lovely if you were. And I can absolutely, on a get level, see why being left out stung.

But nonetheless, they did have every "right" to leave you out. And breaking up with your gf if you were way more into her than she was into you was definitely the right thing to do. And now that you've done that, take care of you, as best as you can. Read, watch movies you've been watching to watch. Maybe order in some really good delivery food, if you can. Do whatever feels good to you that is possible and will salve both your injured body and heart.
 
Hi Artnut,

Sounds like Murphy's Law hit you hard: Anything that could go wrong, did go wrong. I'm sorry you lost your girlfriend, and I fear that you're going to lose your boyfriend as well. At the most, the quad might be willing to have you along on some of their dates and excursions (and then I guess you'd really be like the fifth wheel). Hopefully I'm wrong, hopefully your boyfriend will still be willing to date you one-on-one.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Sometimes things doesn't work out. Sometimes people are not that serious. It actually sounds like you were way overdue to break up with the girlfriend, if she was not even upset over it.

There is a fine line here; we should be able to live and let live, and let our loved ones be who they are, but at the same time, if they can't furfill at least some of your dreams, what is the point?
 
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