Wide Awake

I was not on here for most of the winter. Hello, spring. I have been waiting for you, but dear God it is fucking depressing to read 99.9% of the threads on here. I am breathing and grateful for every day. Somewhere in the world, someone did not wake up. I was given another day to be a little better and wiser than I was the day before. That alone is a reason for me to be happy and thankful.

Issues with my child, pure hatred of my ex, issues with my paternal family...whatever. Be still. Life is too short to constantly be miserable, complaining about this or that, or to be unhappy. I have been there and done that. I am not trying to make my time on earth short by stressing about things or people I cannot change. I am not trying to end up in the hospital with complications from a heart attack or stroke.

No one can steal my joy or the love that is growing inside of me. I am full, genuinely happy, and feeling like myself again. I wish for others to find this level of peace and contentment. I do hope you are all doing well. If not, stop stressing about things and people you cannot change. You have to take care of yourselves.


xR
 
Good to hear from you again Ry. Sounds like you are hanging in there okay.

Sometimes I wonder how a poly forum like ours manages to help people. We're like a hospital with no professional staff. All amateur volunteers. And new "patients" rush themselves into our emergency room every day. We try to counsel them as best we can, but we don't have a magic wand or a crystal ball.

It's gonna take me awhile to get used to the idea that June thru August are your Winter months ... and that September thru November are your Spring months! Makes my brain a little dizzy.

Anyway, thanks for your update. Don't be a stranger. ;)
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Good to hear from you again Ry. Sounds like you are hanging in there okay.

Thank you, Kevin. No sense in complaining about that which I cannot change. Depression was never going to be the death of me. My MIL moved in weeks ago, and she was not having that. I am going to miss having her around.

I cannot heal the broken bond with my daughter any faster than time permits. Our relationship is improving. Does she love me? No. Like me? Presumably. At least she cares to be around me these days and asks to spend one-on-one time with me. That alone is more than I could say three months ago.

Sometimes I wonder how a poly forum like ours manages to help people. We're like a hospital with no professional staff. All amateur volunteers. And new "patients" rush themselves into our emergency room every day. We try to counsel them as best we can, but we don't have a magic wand or a crystal ball.

Tis very true.

This forum is like a bloody trauma unit that serves as the hub in a major city. The first stop after accidents, train wrecks, and the works. Every "patient" seems to be in ICU, coding, or on a ventilator. Some of these relationships seem to be in persistent vegetative states, with no chance of full recovery.

It's gonna take me awhile to get used to the idea that June thru August are your Winter months ... and that September thru November are your Spring months! Makes my brain a little dizzy.

It makes me dizzy. Christmas is three weeks after summer starts. Christmas in summertime? I will never get used to that. :)

Anyway, thanks for your update. Don't be a stranger. ;)

I distanced myself because I have detached from any semblance of who I was when I first joined here. Two years on? New personality, new hair colour, new last name (formally took on my hubby's), closed marriage, traditional two parent household, back in church every Sunday (and bible study on Wednesday evenings), new friends, new child(ren), etc. I am not entirely sure I fit in around here. I just do not believe I have anything insightful to add. Non-practising expert? I am not particularly keen on that. I cannot call myself a polyamorist, as my saturation point is one and will remain that way. I have chosen to be with one person because poly is not, has not, and will never be a need for me. It was always a choice.

I am the person doing my damnedest to ignore any feelings/love I have for my best friend. I do not want to love her, and I refuse to allow myself to. Why? I simply do not want to have romantic feelings for her. I do not even desire her in a sexual way. A relationship would be long distance, non-sexual, and possibly aromantic. In other words, a friendship with a fancy label and no benefits. No, thank you. I do not want or need a relationship with her. Loving her as anything other than a friend serves absolutely no purpose. It was not pleasant when I had to tell her, "I care a great deal for you, but I do not want to be in love you." How poly is that?

I miss posting, but I do not fit the mould here. I will try not to be a stranger, but I am not sure anyone on a poly forum wants to here from the monoamorous lady.

I do hope you, your brother-husband, and Snowbunny are doing well. I hope you all have found a new home and that Snowbunny is or has settled into her new job. As always, thank you for being supportive and following my journey!

xR
 
Re:
"I am not entirely sure I fit in around here."

Awww ... you still fit in!

I personally see it like this. If someone starts out with a poly life and then transitions into a completely monogamous life, it is in the interest of a poly forum to know whether that change is for the better, as well as what kind of echo poly leaves on the life of the person who has transitioned. People need to know, for instance, how poly (both during and after) can affect a parent-child relationship, especially if it's a really big effect. For anyone considering a transition from monogamy to poly, they should read your story first, and be aware.

So much for technicalities. You also happen to be a friend to a bunch of us here and we miss you when you're away. We wonder how things are going for you, and we hope they're going well. So darn it, you're a permanent fixture on this site!

I don't mean to pressure you into posting some certain minimum amount, I just want you to know that you're always welcome amongst us. True I'm not a mod or admin, but I'm a loyal member and long-winded too.

In my opinion, you do not have to *be* poly in order to fit in. The site has plenty of polys and we're in no danger of being overrun by monos -- so say I. We need you! We need your opinions on things. We need to know how things are going in your life. BFF, okay?

Re:
"I am not sure anyone on a poly forum wants to hear from the monoamorous lady."

I do. :)

Re:
"As always, thank you for being supportive and following my journey!"

No problemo.

As for me and my little V, we are doing fine. We haven't worked out where we'll end up at (locally speaking), but Snowbunny has started her new job and likes it so far.
 
I miss posting, but I do not fit the mould here. I will try not to be a stranger, but I am not sure anyone on a poly forum wants to here from the monoamorous lady.

From one Monoamorous woman to another, piffle. You have a story, and it came to a valid conclusion. I certainly think all points of view are worthwhile, even if they're not the "happy paths".

I'm glad things are (slowly) improving with your daughter. You're coming out of the winter - perhaps the weather (and sunlight) will help with the emotions a bit?

It's good to see you pop in from time to time. Good on your MIL for being there with you during the rough times. I'm glad to see your family bonds strengthening. Take care.
 
And YAH rocks too, as you can see ... :D

Polyamory.com has the coolest monoamorists evar.
 
I think it's valuable to have input and information from anyone, regardless of whether they're poly or mono or whatever.

At the core, whether you're in a polyamorous relationship or a monogamous one, or none at all, you're still a human being with knowledge of human beings and relationships, and you might have insights that someone else wouldn't have even if you aren't living a similar life to them.
 
Re:


Awww ... you still fit in!

Aww. Thank you ever so kindly.

I personally see it like this. If someone starts out with a poly life and then transitions into a completely monogamous life, it is in the interest of a poly forum to know whether that change is for the better, as well as what kind of echo poly leaves on the life of the person who has transitioned. People need to know, for instance, how poly (both during and after) can affect a parent-child relationship, especially if it's a really big effect. For anyone considering a transition from monogamy to poly, they should read your story first, and be aware.

Interesting perspective. My advice to anyone who reads this saga: run like the Usain Bolt. It is not worth any of the heartache or the trail of broken hearts. 18 months on and we are still repairing the damages. No end in sight as to when the restoration "project" called Normalcy and the New Normal will ever be complete.

This transition? The integration of our lives was bound to be "fun." I have spent the greater part of the past 18 months getting to know my husband and the person he has become. The largest project has been integration. I am catching up on all that I missed. People are forever changing and evolving, but this has been different. I never realised just how absent I was or just how much I missed. He had a completely separately life from me. A life that I had no part or even basic knowledge of.

I have enjoyed experiencing things that he took up to occupy his time. I have went sky diving, bungy jumping, surfing, snorkelling, fishing, etc. I am terrible at anything outdoorsy, but I wanted to put forth the effort. He is still laughing at our recent camping weekend. No make-up, no curling irons, no WiFi, and no heels. I was stuck in Wellies, jeans, and plaid button downs. I was fighting everything that was flying. I freaked out when I saw a Daddy Long Legs. I despise spiders. It was peaceful because it was just the two of us. We made s'mores, talked, skinny dipped, drank lots of wine, and watched the Aurora Australis. The Southern Lights illuminated the sky, and that alone made the whole weekend worthwhile.

I question whether or not I would have been able to experience any of this with him if I had continued down the path I choose some years ago. Would I have ever had the time with a second co-primary or slowed down long enough to enjoy the simple things in life? Sadly, I know we would have grown apart and been divorced for some time. We would probably have one child, and she would be splitting her time between the UK and Australia. Some kind of life that would be.

So much for technicalities. You also happen to be a friend to a bunch of us here and we miss you when you're away. We wonder how things are going for you, and we hope they're going well. So darn it, you're a permanent fixture on this site!

I consider people on here friends of mine. Permanent fixture sounds good to me. I miss being on here on a daily basis. I have posted maybe twice in about 2-3 months. I certainly need to do better.

I don't mean to pressure you into posting some certain minimum amount, I just want you to know that you're always welcome amongst us. True I'm not a mod or admin, but I'm a loyal member and long-winded too.

Oh no. You are not pressuring me.

Being long-winded is fine. Give me some doughnuts, Starbucks, and Hot Cheetos. I will be happy to read pages and pages.

In my opinion, you do not have to *be* poly in order to fit in. The site has plenty of polys and we're in no danger of being overrun by monos -- so say I. We need you! We need your opinions on things. We need to know how things are going in your life. BFF, okay?

Okay. I am so planning to lead a revolt and convert the poly's of the world to monogamy. Mono, power! I do not identify as mono either. It is assumed, and I have no interest in correcting that notion. I am whatever makes me happy. These days it is my deliciously moist red velvet cupcake of a husband. :D

As for me and my little V, we are doing fine. We haven't worked out where we'll end up at (locally speaking), but Snowbunny has started her new job and likes it so far.

I am happy to hear that. Home is where you make it. :)
 
I like that post. I'm a gonna save the addy for those who are wondering, "I wonder if I should try poly?" I think they should consider your perspective before deciding.

Mmmm, Cheetos. (any temperature)

In defiance of my Washingtonian home, my version of Starbucks is coffee ice cream (Breyer's or Häagen-Dazs will do).

Actually red velvet cake sounds pretty good right now too. :)

And re: doughnuts ... is there anything they can't do?
 
There are ways to do poly that don't involve losing sight of one's primary, and losing the affection of one's children, too.

It wasn't just poly, you were going in a thousand different directions, with friends, for work, much travel abroad, and spending time on your phone when you could have been relation to Matt. And turning the kids over to the nanny. Therefore, I'd say your blog isn't really saying, "Run from poly!" It's just an example of bad poly. So, still a lesson to be learned, but maybe not exactly the one you think you are delivering.
 
I am well aware of that, but it is neither here nor there. It is not like I can undo any of this. It damn sure would have helped if I had left that bitch before last year. I digress. I am doing better now. Why remind me of my many fuck ups? I do that every day before my feet touch the floor.

Seriously, what is rehashing the past going to do? I get it. I was too busy. I should never have dated a cowgirl. I should never have hired a nanny. I should have had 19 children like that Duggar lady and been a stay at home mum. I did not pawn my children off on the nanny. I will always shut that down because it is wrong. You bring up their nanny at every chance like it is a shameful thing. Ironic because you worked as one. Do you turn your nose up at the families you work for and make them feel like dirt for needing help?

I am paying the price now. It serves me right to have to be in two hour sessions with my child and battling depression. I brought this on myself, right? I was bad. Shame on me.

So people who read this blog: do not do any of the shit I did. Forgo a career, forgo having children, and be poly. It is the be all and end all of the world. I was poly, lost everything, and had nothing. Maybe I am just cold, bitter, and hardened because of all that happened.

Let other people on here be examples of what to do and how to be. I never lived for anyone but me. This is my journey. Right, wrong, or epic fail...I own it.

To hell with being an example. It is not my cup of tisane or something I have any interest in. I am better now and continuing to be a better person than I was before.
 
I accept that.

Seems like I remember we talked about the nanny stuff earlier in this blog. I think the conclusion was, not so much that it's a luxury for the rich, more that it's more of a European thing than an American thing. But Americans do hire babysitters so it's kind of the same principle. Lots of monogamous parents take breaks from their kids, and they certainly want a sitter they can trust. So, it's not very different in my opinion.

In fact the classic argument about poly and kids is that kids do better with more adults to help out with the parenting. I think the principle is the same with a nanny. A nanny isn't a parent replacement, she is a parent supplement. An extra set of hands. I'm likely talking out of my ass because I have no kids and have never even met a nanny, but I have read this blog and painted in my mind a picture of how things are and were using the blog's many brushes.

To me, the important thing about poly in this story is actually less how it hurt your daughter (which it did), and more how it was destroying your marriage. I realize you had a lot of irons in the fire at the time, but if some iron had to be removed in order to save your relationship with your child, why not the great big iron that was also driving you away from your husband? Matt -- Mr. Grey -- was never thrilled about polyamory and when Kensi introduced herself to the delivery room, I think it pushed him over the edge.

From that time forward he began to realize that he wasn't being supplemented, he was being replaced. Kensi even admitted as much long after her (nearly successful) attempt at cowgirling had been shut down and left in the past. Successful poly requires honesty. Kensi wasn't being honest, and she did a darn good job at pulling the wool over people's eyes. She knew how to play on your wishes, ideals, and fantasies, and didn't hesitate to wield that knowledge.

I won't pretend that I don't know that poly can be a successful relationship model. I know it can because it works so well (most of the time) in my own life. And I know it has worked well for LovingRadiance, with many children in her household. But it doesn't work for everyone. Sometimes it's just clutter in one's life. Something you do because it sounds neat, it sounds progressive. What people (newbies especially) need to understand is that poly requires sacrifices. It requires a redistribution of time and energy. It also requires struggling monogamous spouses to either choke it down and deal, or remove themselves from the situation (i.e., divorce). So again, if you need to unclutter your life (for your kids' sake), why not start with the clutter that's breaking your monogamous spouse's heart?

My advice to any couple contemplating poly is, understand that you can't take it lightly. Don't do it unless your whole family -- parents and kids -- is willing and ready to make weighty sacrifices to make it work. And be a mind reader with a crystal ball when you choose your additional partner, because that's the only sure way to detect a very skillful con artist. In other words, poly doesn't just require sacrifices; it requires risks as well.

Climbing Mount Everest is really cool, but now, because it's so cool, and popular, the mountain is like an anthill full of people during prime climbing season -- people who have no business being on that deadly serious monolith. Lives are being needlessly endangered -- professional and amateur lives alike -- because of the bottlenecks created by the glut of unfit climbers. In other words, Everest being "cool" should not suffice as a reason to climb it.

It's the same principle with polyamory. You don't do it because it's "cool." If you do, you're going to create the same kinds of bottlenecks and catastrophes in your life and relationships. On this forum (to wit, Polyamory.com), we are flooded every day with the disaster stories of would-be polys who thought, "Hey, this sounds really cool." Polyamory requires expertise. It requires fitness. It requires high priority. It comes with no guarantees, and it has no mercy on the souls who can't meet its demands -- even when it's not their fault.

The world is full of beauty and wonder. You don't need to have the whole world to experience its beauty and wonder. Everyone in the whole world doesn't need to climb Mount Everest. A precious few each year would be more than enough. And everyone in the world doesn't need to practice polyamory, either. There are plenty of ways to have a fulfilling, healthy life and relationships -- and plenty of ways to "be more evolved" -- without opening the poly can of worms.

I love Mount Everest, but I know I don't belong there. The safety of my desktop is enough for me. And for many others too.
 
I accept that.

Thank you.

Seems like I remember we talked about the nanny stuff earlier in this blog. I think the conclusion was, not so much that it's a luxury for the rich, more that it's more of a European thing than an American thing. But Americans do hire babysitters so it's kind of the same principle. Lots of monogamous parents take breaks from their kids, and they certainly want a sitter they can trust. So, it's not very different in my opinion.

I would rather have the same person than different people in and out. The nanny has been here since before the first was born.

When we lived in London, our families were not close. My parents lived in Weybridge, which is an hour outside of London. My sister has three children of her own and works full-time. My brother and his wife bounce between living in the States and travelling for 6-9 months with his job. My friends all had children of their own. With two working parents, who did that leave? It was a nursery or a nanny. We chose a nanny. I refuse to shell out hard earned money for my child to not learn anything. If I am going to have someone "babysit" our son, they can do it in our home.

It is certainly not a luxury. My child's nursery fees are over $32k/year. Live out nannies and au pairs are half of that. We have two other children. One is in private school, and the other is in a selective entry [public] high school. Our oldest wants to change schools because her current school is all about the academics, and she has seen her classmates crack from the pressure of trying to maintain perfection. We all agree that she does not need that kind of pressure. Academics are important, but if she was unhappy, the obvious choice was to look for a new school for the term that begins in January 2015. That move is not coming at a cheap price. Her tuition will be just as much as our son's. Our youngest daughter is considering moving to the same school as her sister, and as with our oldest's move, more tuition, more fees, and more money.

In fact the classic argument about poly and kids is that kids do better with more adults to help out with the parenting. I think the principle is the same with a nanny. A nanny isn't a parent replacement, she is a parent supplement. An extra set of hands. I'm likely talking out of my ass because I have no kids and have never even met a nanny, but I have read this blog and painted in my mind a picture of how things are and were using the blog's many brushes.

A nanny is not to be a replacement for a parent. She was never intended to be a third parent or even parental figure. Authority figure that requires respect? 100%. She is an extra set of hands, eyes, and ears. More love is supposedly a good thing, right? I know their nanny loves them, and she has been with our family for six years. She left her life in London and committed to moving just to make sure continuity of care for her charges was uninterrupted.

To me, the important thing about poly in this story is actually less how it hurt your daughter (which it did), and more how it was destroying your marriage. I realize you had a lot of irons in the fire at the time, but if some iron had to be removed in order to save your relationship with your child, why not the great big iron that was also driving you away from your husband? Matt -- Mr. Grey -- was never thrilled about polyamory and when Kensi introduced herself to the delivery room, I think it pushed him over the edge.

My thoughts exactly. I believe he would have exploded if she had been present for our daughter's actual birth. Thank God the hospital had a cap on the number of people in the room.

The iron that needed to be removed was an outside relationship. I have to say it. She was the centre of many arguments and tension. Like I told her she caused so much damage and was able to move on while we are still reassembling the pieces in the aftermath.

From that time forward he began to realize that he wasn't being supplemented, he was being replaced. Kensi even admitted as much long after her (nearly successful) attempt at cowgirling had been shut down and left in the past. Successful poly requires honesty. Kensi wasn't being honest, and she did a darn good job at pulling the wool over people's eyes. She knew how to play on your wishes, ideals, and fantasies, and didn't hesitate to wield that knowledge.

There was no winning with an admitted cowgirl. How do you win against that? She wanted to control my life, dictate who was in it, who I was with, and how much of my time they got.

I should have left her after the first positive pregnancy test. She became jealous of my baby after she was here and wanted more and more. Only it was never enough. I made her a co-primary and a co-parent out of loyalty and guilt for my absent feelings. I felt obligated because she refused to take on more partners. We were never supposed to be primaries. Our relationship was secondary. That was the natural shape and my level of comfort. I went against what was comfortable to suit her because I felt some need to overcompensate since I did not love her.

It spiralled out of control. My hubby was not okay with our child sleeping away from home, so guess what? If I had a date, overnight, and work the next day, I may not have seen my child from Wednesday morning until Friday morning. Barring her being awake on Friday morning. I had to break it down for her therapist, so she could get the full picture. If I went to work at 7:30, and she did not wake up until 9, at what point would I have seen her? Let's say I worked until 10 or 11 that same night. If she went to bed at 8:30, when was I going to see her or spend quality time with her? The solution? Kensi would have to sleep over at our home. That solved nothing but it made him feel even more uncomfortable because she was invading his space. It was miss time out of the arse with my child while staying at her place or deal with him being uncomfortable. In my book, there was no way to win. Tensions increased, arguments never stopped, and our marriage suffered. Fight for the loveless relationship or work my arse off and fight for the marriage and the man I still loved? I chose the right one.

I won't pretend that I don't know that poly can be a successful relationship model. I know it can because it works so well (most of the time) in my own life. And I know it has worked well for LovingRadiance, with many children in her household. But it doesn't work for everyone. Sometimes it's just clutter in one's life. Something you do because it sounds neat, it sounds progressive. What people (newbies especially) need to understand is that poly requires sacrifices. It requires a redistribution of time and energy. It also requires struggling monogamous spouses to either choke it down and deal, or remove themselves from the situation (i.e., divorce). So again, if you need to unclutter your life (for your kids' sake), why not start with the clutter that's breaking your monogamous spouse's heart?

Poly is a wonderful thing...for SOME people, couples, and families. It was not for this couple or family, and that is okay. It worked until it reached a certain point. Point, blank, and simple. It became clutter in my life. It became more work and more of a chore than something that was an extension of my happiness. I found no joy in being with her. It was all about going through the motions of maintaining a relationship in name only.

My advice to any couple contemplating poly is, understand that you can't take it lightly. Don't do it unless your whole family -- parents and kids -- is willing and ready to make weighty sacrifices to make it work. And be a mind reader with a crystal ball when you choose your additional partner, because that's the only sure way to detect a very skillful con artist. In other words, poly doesn't just require sacrifices; it requires risks as well.

Excellent advice. I would add: listen to your partner when they try to forewarn you about someone. Sometimes they can see what you cannot see due to rose coloured lenses. They are not always out to ruin your happiness. They might be trying to save you from destroying everything around you.

Climbing Mount Everest is really cool, but now, because it's so cool, and popular, the mountain is like an anthill full of people during prime climbing season -- people who have no business being on that deadly serious monolith. Lives are being needlessly endangered -- professional and amateur lives alike -- because of the bottlenecks created by the glut of unfit climbers. In other words, Everest being "cool" should not suffice as a reason to climb it.

It's the same principle with polyamory. You don't do it because it's "cool." If you do, you're going to create the same kinds of bottlenecks and catastrophes in your life and relationships. On this forum (to wit, Polyamory.com), we are flooded every day with the disaster stories of would-be polys who thought, "Hey, this sounds really cool." Polyamory requires expertise. It requires fitness. It requires high priority. It comes with no guarantees, and it has no mercy on the souls who can't meet its demands -- even when it's not their fault.

The world is full of beauty and wonder. You don't need to have the whole world to experience its beauty and wonder. Everyone in the whole world doesn't need to climb Mount Everest. A precious few each year would be more than enough. And everyone in the world doesn't need to practice polyamory, either. There are plenty of ways to have a fulfilling, healthy life and relationships -- and plenty of ways to "be more evolved" -- without opening the poly can of worms.

I love Mount Everest, but I know I don't belong there. The safety of my desktop is enough for me. And for many others too.

All of this. I am sharing this. :D
 
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Thanks Ry ... I know I was kind of rambling, and getting long-winded indeed. Hope you had your Hot Cheetos handy. :)
 
...The iron that needed to be removed was an outside relationship. I have to say it. She was the centre of many arguments and tension. Like I told her she caused so much damage and was able to move on while we are still reassembling the pieces in the aftermath.


... I went against what was comfortable to suit her because I felt some need to overcompensate since I did not love her.


...Poly is a wonderful thing...for SOME people, couples, and families. It was not for this couple or family, and that is okay. It worked until it reached a certain point. Point, blank, and simple. It became clutter in my life. It became more work and more of a chore than something that was an extension of my happiness. I found no joy in being with her. It was all about going through the motions of maintaining a relationship in name only.

OK, the words I quoted here seem to be a better message than your earlier one. More nuanced. And yes, don't have a polyamorous r'ship with someone you don't love, just because you think it makes you "cool" to be poly or bi! Polyamory means LOVE, not duty or "cred."
 
Even without the additional relationship, I was running myself into the ground. It was not fair to me, my husband, my children, or my loved ones. I was not taking care of myself properly. Sometimes I forget I am human and not invincible. I owe it to my children to never allow myself get weighed down like I was before. I was rushing myself out of here.

I never wanted a nanny. Childcare in the UK is arguably some of the most expensive in the world. For my youngest child, we were told it was going to be almost £20k for him to attend for three HOURS a day/three days a week. They admitted to yearly increases every January, and he would only be allowed to attend three days until he turned three. He will not be three until June 2015. He would have been at a nursery from 9a-12p on Monday's, Wednesday's, and Friday's. What about the other hours of the day? Most parents work 8-10 hours. What the hell was three hours a day going to accomplish when we would still have to source additional help for twice that? For a child under two, a nursery is a waste in the UK. The most eye watering nursery fees we came across were a staggering £988 per WEEK. That was on the basis of full-time attendance. If we had gone down that route, we still would have had another child to consider. Would I rather pay that much to a person who can give him one-on-one attention than an overworked, underpaid teacher who has six to ten (or more) other pupils in her class? Absolutely.

And no my relationship with Kensi was not to make me cool or to give credit. This supposed being cool cost me valuable time with my in-laws, shit load of heartbreak, and a lot of resentment. It was definitely not a fad or a trend. I cared for her. I just was not in love with her. I knew at the beginning of my pregnancy that I no longer had romantic feelings. My own mum told me she knew after Eis was born. She looked at me and how I interacted with my ex. She picked up on it without me mumbling a word. My daughter's birth confirmed what I had been in denial about. Kensi became an afterthought and maintaining the relationship was a hindrance. That "old feeling" was gone, and I never could get it back. Subconsciously, I probably did fight for it, but I checked out long before it was over. I grieved for her before we called it quits. I suppose that is why I have never shed any tears over her. I made peace with it, and it was okay when I finally did end it with her.

I had a really wonderful weekend. We went to London and Paris for a whirlwind trip. The girls were out of school Friday and Monday, so we made a long weekend out if it. We left here Thursday night, and we arrived on Friday morning in Paris. We made a family day of it. Eis finally went to the Louvre. I promised I would take her, and she was happy with that. We had dinner as a family before I treated the girls to a concert. They both love Beyonce, and it gave us a chance to bond and have fun. I am always serious, so it tickled them when I got in to and was singing the words. Mum can be cool at times.

We departed from Paris on Saturday morning. We had a splendid time in London. It was a non-stop day and night, but it was worth every second. We had lunch with my parents and younger brothers at the Waterside Inn. I was able to see my friends and family, checked on my aunt and my great uncle (both are doing well; slowly getting on after being widowed; great uncle is dating a new lady), and relaxed. We saw Earth Wind and Fire at the Last Night of the Proms, which was out of this world. They were incredible. They had so much energy. I believe there were 50k people in Hyde Park that night. My youngest daughter loves "Boogie Wonderland," and she was singing it on the way to school yesterday.

My mum is just about certain that I am pregnant. (If I am, there will be no confirmation until early 2015. If I am, I would certainly keep quiet until my foetus was viable. After the last time, I am convinced my body is not keen on the idea of making it to full term.) It has been determined that under no circumstances am I allowed to labour naturally for any future pregnancies, which has been weighing heavily on my mind. We have talked about having another baby. He is not been pressuring me in to TTC immediately or even within a set time. He asked me how I felt about it, and the idea does appeal to me. Admittedly, I am also unsure because of our youngest daughter. We are finally making headway with her treatment. Experts say give it 90-120 days before any noticeable changes will be visible. How would she react to a new baby taking my attention? Should we put our lives on hold and focus on getting her to a healthy point? I have faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

While my ending did not have a big happy, poly ending, it is still a happy ending. In all seriousness, I am terribly put off by the idea of even thinking of maintaining plural relationships. I am quite turned off by having more than one sexual relationship. The thought of more than one sexual relationship now repulses me. I am not attracted to the same sex now either. I think that has more to do with my demi side than anything else. I said months ago that if I ever got involved in a second relationship, it would have to be non-sexual and aromantic. Basically friendship with no benefits. Romantic, sexual, or otherwise. I do not have it in me to attempt this again. My hubby could tell me he was truly fine with it, and my response would, "Eh." I have lost all interest. I am not sure when or how it happened, but it is my reality. And I am okay with that.

I do hope you are all doing well. I hope your weeks are going splendidly. If not, there is still time for improvement. We are heading stateside on Friday for two weeks, and I have not packed anything. Enjoy the rest of your Tuesday or Wednesday. :)
 
Sounds like you had some great mother daughters bonding time :D. So glad to hear the youngest daughter is improving.

We saw Earth Wind and Fire at the Last Night of the Proms, which was out of this world. They were incredible. They had so much energy.

Saw them in DC 2 years ago and I wasn't all that impressed. Sounds like you got a better concert. I just got back from Nashville where I saw Montgomery Gentry in a small concert setting and it was amazing. I could have spent another few days in Nashville, just going from bar to bar listening to all the music - not to mention my sinuses like TN, in spite of the hot muggy weather (then again it's 103 here right now).
 
Happy Monday. It is officially summer, and I could not be more thrilled if I tried to be. I am lounging on the beach with my hubby. This is the perfect way to start the week. I needed a day to decompress, so I took one. Stressed out? Over worked? Missing meals? Missing quality time with my hubby and children? Never again. I have to take care of myself. I have to make myself a priority, and I will continue to do that.

My hubby and I are doing well. I cannot remember the last time we argued. We have nothing to argue over. We have been closed for just shy of two years. If it is not broke, why bother attempting to fix it? He just gets me, and I could never forget that I have been blessed with the gift of loving him. No other relationship could possibly compare. Just think. I had this all along. We carve out time for our marriage and our friendship no matter what is going on. I will never be too busy to spend time with him or to remember that our marriage is something that should be honoured, remembered, cherished, and respected at all times.

I have been laying low on here, as I struggle to relate and understand because I am so incredibly far away from the mindset I once possessed. I suppose almost losing everything will cause a shift in the atmosphere. Nonetheless, I was quite keen on the forum when I was more active. There are quite a few of individuals who have been truly amazing, supportive, and all around good people. I am grateful for all the advice and wisdom. I do miss being on here and some of you that I established a rapport with, so I will make an effort to be more visible and active. Though my path deviated from the intended [poly] path, I am sure my mistakes can help someone avoid inflicting the same type of pain on others.

With that, I am going to do something 110% out of character and partially unveil myself because the joy in my spirit is simply too great to conceal. An arsenal of people said I was making the biggest mistake of my life by turning away from the "only style of loving" I knew. I caught strife for fighting to save my marriage and not fighting to stand behind an identity I had long ago detached from. People said I was only doing it for my hubby. People said I was only doing it because society would never understand. Everybody was running their mouths and talking, talking, talking. Very few listened to me and took in to account that, "Hey. Ry might actually know what she is doing." Mistake?

2uonq0w.jpg


The love growing inside of me is proof that I made no mistake.​
 
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Love the picture Ry! :D

I totally respect the path you've chosen in life, and I think there will always be naysayers no matter what you choose. You have to do what's right for you, and for your family.

And I always like it when you post. :)
 
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