Thank you.
Seems like I remember we talked about the nanny stuff earlier in this blog. I think the conclusion was, not so much that it's a luxury for the rich, more that it's more of a European thing than an American thing. But Americans do hire babysitters so it's kind of the same principle. Lots of monogamous parents take breaks from their kids, and they certainly want a sitter they can trust. So, it's not very different in my opinion.
I would rather have the same person than different people in and out. The nanny has been here since before the first was born.
When we lived in London, our families were not close. My parents lived in Weybridge, which is an hour outside of London. My sister has three children of her own and works full-time. My brother and his wife bounce between living in the States and travelling for 6-9 months with his job. My friends all had children of their own. With two working parents, who did that leave? It was a nursery or a nanny. We chose a nanny. I refuse to shell out hard earned money for my child to not learn anything. If I am going to have someone "babysit" our son, they can do it in our home.
It is certainly not a luxury. My child's nursery fees are over $32k/year. Live out nannies and au pairs are half of that. We have two other children. One is in private school, and the other is in a selective entry [public] high school. Our oldest wants to change schools because her current school is all about the academics, and she has seen her classmates crack from the pressure of trying to maintain perfection. We all agree that she does not need that kind of pressure. Academics are important, but if she was unhappy, the obvious choice was to look for a new school for the term that begins in January 2015. That move is not coming at a cheap price. Her tuition will be just as much as our son's. Our youngest daughter is considering moving to the same school as her sister, and as with our oldest's move, more tuition, more fees, and more money.
In fact the classic argument about poly and kids is that kids do better with more adults to help out with the parenting. I think the principle is the same with a nanny. A nanny isn't a parent replacement, she is a parent supplement. An extra set of hands. I'm likely talking out of my ass because I have no kids and have never even met a nanny, but I have read this blog and painted in my mind a picture of how things are and were using the blog's many brushes.
A nanny is not to be a replacement for a parent. She was never intended to be a third parent or even parental figure. Authority figure that requires respect? 100%. She is an extra set of hands, eyes, and ears. More love is supposedly a good thing, right? I know their nanny loves them, and she has been with our family for six years. She left her life in London and committed to moving just to make sure continuity of care for her charges was uninterrupted.
To me, the important thing about poly in this story is actually less how it hurt your daughter (which it did), and more how it was destroying your marriage. I realize you had a lot of irons in the fire at the time, but if some iron had to be removed in order to save your relationship with your child, why not the great big iron that was also driving you away from your husband? Matt -- Mr. Grey -- was never thrilled about polyamory and when Kensi introduced herself to the delivery room, I think it pushed him over the edge.
My thoughts exactly. I believe he would have exploded if she had been present for our daughter's actual birth. Thank God the hospital had a cap on the number of people in the room.
The iron that needed to be removed was an outside relationship. I have to say it. She was the centre of many arguments and tension. Like I told her she caused so much damage and was able to move on while we are still reassembling the pieces in the aftermath.
From that time forward he began to realize that he wasn't being supplemented, he was being replaced. Kensi even admitted as much long after her (nearly successful) attempt at cowgirling had been shut down and left in the past. Successful poly requires honesty. Kensi wasn't being honest, and she did a darn good job at pulling the wool over people's eyes. She knew how to play on your wishes, ideals, and fantasies, and didn't hesitate to wield that knowledge.
There was no winning with an admitted cowgirl. How do you win against that? She wanted to control my life, dictate who was in it, who I was with, and how much of my time they got.
I should have left her after the first positive pregnancy test. She became jealous of my baby after she was here and wanted more and more. Only it was never enough. I made her a co-primary and a co-parent out of loyalty and guilt for my absent feelings. I felt obligated because she refused to take on more partners. We were never supposed to be primaries. Our relationship was secondary. That was the natural shape and my level of comfort. I went against what was comfortable to suit her because I felt some need to overcompensate since I did not love her.
It spiralled out of control. My hubby was not okay with our child sleeping away from home, so guess what? If I had a date, overnight, and work the next day, I may not have seen my child from Wednesday morning until Friday morning. Barring her being awake on Friday morning. I had to break it down for her therapist, so she could get the full picture. If I went to work at 7:30, and she did not wake up until 9, at what point would I have seen her? Let's say I worked until 10 or 11 that same night. If she went to bed at 8:30, when was I going to see her or spend quality time with her? The solution? Kensi would have to sleep over at our home. That solved nothing but it made him feel even more uncomfortable because she was invading his space. It was miss time out of the arse with my child while staying at her place or deal with him being uncomfortable. In my book, there was no way to win. Tensions increased, arguments never stopped, and our marriage suffered. Fight for the loveless relationship or work my arse off and fight for the marriage and the man I still loved? I chose the right one.
I won't pretend that I don't know that poly can be a successful relationship model. I know it can because it works so well (most of the time) in my own life. And I know it has worked well for LovingRadiance, with many children in her household. But it doesn't work for everyone. Sometimes it's just clutter in one's life. Something you do because it sounds neat, it sounds progressive. What people (newbies especially) need to understand is that poly requires sacrifices. It requires a redistribution of time and energy. It also requires struggling monogamous spouses to either choke it down and deal, or remove themselves from the situation (i.e., divorce). So again, if you need to unclutter your life (for your kids' sake), why not start with the clutter that's breaking your monogamous spouse's heart?
Poly is a wonderful thing...for SOME people, couples, and families. It was not for this couple or family, and that is okay. It worked until it reached a certain point. Point, blank, and simple. It became clutter in my life. It became more work and more of a chore than something that was an extension of my happiness. I found no joy in being with her. It was all about going through the motions of maintaining a relationship in name only.
My advice to any couple contemplating poly is, understand that you can't take it lightly. Don't do it unless your whole family -- parents and kids -- is willing and ready to make weighty sacrifices to make it work. And be a mind reader with a crystal ball when you choose your additional partner, because that's the only sure way to detect a very skillful con artist. In other words, poly doesn't just require sacrifices; it requires risks as well.
Excellent advice. I would add: listen to your partner when they try to forewarn you about someone. Sometimes they can see what you cannot see due to rose coloured lenses. They are not always out to ruin your happiness. They might be trying to save you from destroying everything around you.
Climbing Mount Everest is really cool, but now, because it's so cool, and popular, the mountain is like an anthill full of people during prime climbing season -- people who have no business being on that deadly serious monolith. Lives are being needlessly endangered -- professional and amateur lives alike -- because of the bottlenecks created by the glut of unfit climbers. In other words, Everest being "cool" should not suffice as a reason to climb it.
It's the same principle with polyamory. You don't do it because it's "cool." If you do, you're going to create the same kinds of bottlenecks and catastrophes in your life and relationships. On this forum (to wit, Polyamory.com), we are flooded every day with the disaster stories of would-be polys who thought, "Hey, this sounds really cool." Polyamory requires expertise. It requires fitness. It requires high priority. It comes with no guarantees, and it has no mercy on the souls who can't meet its demands -- even when it's not their fault.
The world is full of beauty and wonder. You don't need to have the whole world to experience its beauty and wonder. Everyone in the whole world doesn't need to climb Mount Everest. A precious few each year would be more than enough. And everyone in the world doesn't need to practice polyamory, either. There are plenty of ways to have a fulfilling, healthy life and relationships -- and plenty of ways to "be more evolved" -- without opening the poly can of worms.
I love Mount Everest, but I know I don't belong there. The safety of my desktop is enough for me. And for many others too.
All of this. I am sharing this.