Sailing Solo

I had a brief chat with Kip today. No news really and I put in as much effort as he did, which was not much. However, I did start craving curry, Pavlovian response :) I am very into the little spinach cakes, hara kebab, they have at the lunch buffet, dipped in tamarind sauce. Heaven on a plate.
Prof is coming round to screw my dishwasher back into the counter top, should I say something? But I want to avoooooid it, waaaaaah, though admittedly it was me that brought it up in the first place. This is so ridiculous.
He is so very kind to me, I feel it is unbalanced due to the finances involved, but he says he it evens out cause I let him do pretty much whatever he wants sexually. Again, unbalanced cause I absolutely love it.:D
I still think that love is not allowed, that he wants to be friends with just a little more. Love is a burden. It is too soon after Ms Text dying. Don't ask for anything that he can't give. I was so surprised he said ( but did not) in the first place and possibly more surprised that he said it when I asked.
It was so vivid, the memory of him saying it was so vivid, down to the the physiological response. I had to ask. It doesn't seem to have messed up anything too badly because he did offer to fix the dishwasher tonight, I didn't ask. I thought I wouldn't see him till Thursday.

"I want to know you intimately in a way so that we both understand each other"
"I want to share every aspect of my life including my feelings with you"
"And I won't run screaming if you upset me, we'll try to work things out"
"I care about you to the point that I will make an effort to take your feelings into consideration with everything that I do"


That is the definition that Joe gave me. I don't agree with much about the first, or the "every aspect" part of 2. Yes to 3 to some degree, though obviously a dig at me dumping him, and yes to some degree to the fourth.

He is seeing someone who declared their mad love for him after 4 weeks, but she is divorcing her third husband so I an mot taking her as a good example of understanding love.

Too much use of absolutes, every, all, etc. Is that love? Definitions of love are so personal. It needs clarification. I am annoying myself with this :rolleyes:
 
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I didn't say anything.
Prof fixed my dishwasher and put 2 screws through the counter top. Funny, but it was fine last night, one had come through by this morning and one by this afternoon. Some sort of settling. but I now have 2 holes in my pristine for 3 weeks counters :( He said he will fix it.
No sex, said I wore him out at the weekend. Haha, it was good :)
He picked up tickets today for a musical show that is on tour. I didn't know he liked musicals. So that is Thursday night, then we have a concert on Sunday and one at the end of the month. He cancelled Wednesday, but will have Thursday morning booty call. Interesting to see how long the drive takes at 6 am.
I would like one more partner for fun naked sex sex sex. Guess who doesn't know what to do with themselves when not constantly studying in her free time?
Grades still haven't posted for my last class. I think I might get a 'B" but I don't care as long as it is a pass.
I did start to work-out with the crew in the parking garage today. They meet 4 lunchtimes a week. I don't have a lunchtime as such but will go as often as I can. And I will get the bike from Prof hopefully this weekend. I did borrow a bike rack so can at least load all 3 of us to do a ride.
It will all grind to a halt at the end of the month, oh well, might as well do what I can during the break.
A little chatting with Kip. Yawn.
 
Pretty much done with Kip, taking the chicken shit route and mostly avoiding him. He called when I was about to start driving, so that was a case of genuinely being unable to talk. I put out the request for some effort last Friday and a few times after, and here we are one week later. I am fine with it, just don't want to have a talk about it.

And I told Prof that I loved him, last night as we were going to sleep. He said " I knew you were falling in love my with me." He said that to me on Saturday last week too, when the whole " I love you" thing got going. Totally my fault, I will caveat that I am now on daily medication for migraine, all kinds of side effects, vivid dreams being one. I replied, " No I wasn't." and meant it. I just said it to make him happy, or to even the score or whatever. He said let's talk about this another time, fine by me. I don't want to talk about, repeating theme here or what. There are so many things about him that I adore, he is my #1 person to go to for fun stuff. We went to the show last night and had such a super fun time, got all dressed up, he was terribly handsome in his suit, I fancy him like mad. I did the early morning booty call yesterday ( the drive takes 17 minutes ) , crawled into bed with him, he snuggled up put his hand on my hip and we went back to sleep. It was lovely. Woke up a little later and had energetic sex. He fixed up one of his bikes for me. I picked it up this afternoon, is getting a rack for the camper so we can all go riding. It is a wonderful relationship, I just don't know if it's love. I felt like a liar when I said it. I feel like a liar at this moment.
I think it will be fine. I do adore him. Absolutely adore him. I can say that with conviction.
 
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I let it come to a gentle end with Kip last night. I gave a few final opportunities for him to work out something schedule-wise, but, as I suspected, it was all talk and bluster. He said he was sad that I couldn't make my schedule work. I could if I wanted to, but I don't want to hear the fake promises anymore about nights away and fun activities. He pretty much skipped around that topic, didn't want to admit to it, and it is not worth getting into you said/I said discussions.
I have no regrets about the relationship, it was fun and the best sex I have ever had.
The big lesson learned for me, I am an activity slut and if people are in relationships that doesn't allow that to happen, then I need to stay away. The only reason I get to do things is with Prof now is because Ms text died. I am under no illusions that any of the things we have been doing would have occurred under the previous set-up. I do acknowledge that my needs and wants have changed to. I originally met Prof to join the mfm, so that moved on from "sex partner" to "camping with kids and on my emergency contact list" partner. But nothing will change with Kip, he made promises and I did say very specifically that I was looking for someone to do things with, but not move in or have that kind of relationship. He came up with a number of weekend trips and things we could do. Not one of them happened, and while mostly it was fine, because of the emotional support part, it became not fine when he disappears and drops out of contact. Request have been made, promises made and nothing changed. Ah well.
On Thursday night we went to see a musical with Prof. I was not so keen on the story, but very much enjoyed the professional production, the costumes, set design music and green vodka drink.
Tonight is concert night.
And once I check with my boss on Monday about the time off, geek's weekend will be booked. Prof was impressed by my scheduling and trip planning skills, which is rather surprising considering the most excellent job I did on the 4 day trip. He said he had been to that area 30+ times in the past and never tried any of the things that I found for us to do.
So busy times ahead with Prof. Just a shame that the sex is not consistently great or even good. We have had quick sex twice this week. The rest of the time he has not been able to. Maybe get something happening before the concert.:D
 
Let's start with Kip. Seems he is not prepared to let things go without a fight. I have found it be emotionally draining; phone talks, I.M. chat and one face-to-face talk. I really thought he was ok with it, but he says he deserves a chance and I can't throw away 2 years without making some effort. He feels blind-sided and wants the opportunity to make some changes before I give up entirely. I have been chatting with Joe too and he says my lack of effort in relationship work is pretty bad and I can't keep walking away when it feels like work. :rolleyes: I think that is more about the fact that I broke up with him with no talks and second chances, but I digress.
Kip has promised one dinner night per month and some daytime activities. Apparently he talked to Mrs Kip and said he wants that even before I moved towards the break-up. I have a feeling that is BS, I am fairly sure he said he talked to Mrs.Kip before and nothing changed. I am not agreeing to this with a "joyous yes" or "fuck yes". I am agreeing to this to give him more time to get used to the break up idea. I do tell him that it is me that has changed, he was clear on his availability from the start and I agreed to it. He has been bringing that agreement up, to which I reply that yes, I did agree but now that it is not working for me. I am not angry or sad or mad but I do want different and I would rather not see him at all than be frustrated by it and see nothing actually change.
I think he will not be available for a birthday dinner anytime at all, the discussion with mrs kIp being BS and all, and that will be my grounds to declare a broken contract and move on.
I don't see why he can't just give up gracefully. He says he 2 other lovers. I did not ask, I was informed. The nurse, Ivy, and the "house wife". It was quite a clear move to make me jealous. :rolleyes: I just don't care, do what you like! If I am so easily replaceable then why the fuss?

Things are fine with Prof. The concert was wonderful. At one point an owl flew through the amphitheater, it is a small intimate venue on a hill top with a gorgeous view of the city below. The owls seem to be doing well this year, I can hear some at night from my bedroom. Prof came round to book Geek's Weekend and told me he is seeing Ms. White Picket Fence for a long-weekend at the start of next month. I am quite surprised he is doing that after the whole " I love you, I want to marry you and have babies " break-up of was it May or June?. But none of my business so I will keep my mouth shut. I think he is covering up a little on his dating in general, I could be way off base, but I am thinking so. I don't know why he thinks I would be upset, and I don't like that he thinks I would be. Kip says he thinks I can't handle it either. I think both of them are projecting. Prof asked to be informed when I had over-night's with Joe or he got "anxious" and Kip worries that anyone I date is " A keeper" and I will leave him for a life of monogamy. I have never had a melt down or tantrum over any dates, though I was mad with Kip about the lying thing of Xmas when I had his phone. I certainly never have anxiety issues or stay up at night worrying about what either of them does on their own time with other people. I do get jealous over activities, I am honest about that, but it is more the activity than the person they do it with. What is true about them dating is I don't care all that much. Condoms became a matter of course a long time ago so...we don't know need to talk about, did you or will you. I am contemplating putting up my OKC profile again, but I worry about the time factor. It can wait until New Year is probably the best idea, but I would like to go and have some NRE and smooching and fucking and not talk about relationships and feelings and what not.
 
A couple of my girlfriends came round at the weekend to see the house. They think it is serious with Prof, mainly based on the premise that if a man gives you his fully functioning, fairly new, washer and dryer set, then he is serious. Oh yes, and loans you a ton of money to buy a house, and books holidays in Europe next year and a geek's weekend for your birthday and buys you earrings made of of meteorites so you can wear rocks "not of this planet", and a wireless blu-ray player so you can stream Netflix, and 2 bike racks for his van so he can take you and your kids on trips, and was contemplating selling the current camper and just buying another just so trips can resume, and put off buying his new car to do so. And fixed your dishwasher and bought spare garage door openers and programmed them. And got one scooter fixed and the other is in progress so you can get your license and will go to bike class on Saturdays with you to make sure the scooter doesn't break down again. Well, when you put it that way.... :eek: He is probably quite fond of me, and I of him. ;)
 
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... he says my lack of effort in relationship work is pretty bad and I can't keep walking away when it feels like work. :rolleyes:

He can say whatever he wants, for whatever reasons he has...you CAN walk away whenever you want. If the "work" of the relationship is out of proportion to the "joy" that it brings you - that is for you to decide, not anyone else. (Now, it would be unreasonable to expect that you can walk away whenever you want and then expect other people to hang around and wait for you to walk back - but I don't get the impression that this is what is going on at all.)

I do tell him that it is me that has changed, he was clear on his availability from the start and I agreed to it. He has been bringing that agreement up, to which I reply that yes, I did agree but now that it is not working for me. I am not angry or sad or mad but I do want different and I would rather not see him at all than be frustrated by it and see nothing actually change.

People change. We make the best decisions we can in the place we are at at the time. What works for us at one point in time may no longer work at a different point in time. If we perceive that it is worth it, we may decide to commit to achieving a work-able solution - but if the relationship is NOT worth it and/or the other person doesn't have the same level of commitment to make it work (i.e. following through with changes)...then you are done.

I think he will not be available for a birthday dinner anytime at all, the discussion with mrs kIp being BS and all, and that will be my grounds to declare a broken contract and move on.
I don't see why he can't just give up gracefully. He says he 2 other lovers. I did not ask, I was informed. The nurse, Ivy, and the "house wife". It was quite a clear move to make me jealous. :rolleyes: I just don't care, do what you like! If I am so easily replaceable then why the fuss?

Meh. Juvenile drama making - telling you what he thinks you want to hear, flaunting other relationships. If you want to give him a "final chance" so there is closure, that is up to you - but I think that you have already checked out of this endeavor.

... but I would like to go and have some NRE and smooching and fucking and not talk about relationships and feelings and what not.

Amen.
 
JaneQSmythe;277945 [/QUOTE said:
People change. We make the best decisions we can in the place we are at at the time. What works for us at one point in time may no longer work at a different point in time. If we perceive that it is worth it, we may decide to commit to achieving a work-able solution - but if the relationship is NOT worth it and/or the other person doesn't have the same level of commitment to make it work (i.e. following through with changes)...then you are done.
Thanks JaneQ, I need to get over this feeling of needing to try when the relationship is really not worth it and the work is more than the joy. It is what kept me in my unpleasant marriage way past the point of reason.

JaneQSmythe;277945Meh. Juvenile drama making - telling you what he thinks you want to hear said:
I thought it was a rather obvious ploy to make me jealous. I did feel relieved and not jealous that there were others to take my spot.

I haven't communicated much at all this week with Kip. He gave me some unasked for details about his sex life. If communication doesn't fizzle out completely in a couple of weeks then I will tell him straight up. I can't really imagine being friends either, maybe a few years down the line, but we don't move in the same circles so it is not necessary.

I am not sure what to do about being open to meeting someone new. I could pop OKC back up but am worried about the amount of class work I have to do. I did finish up one section which was pretty big, but then looked at the next part. :eek: I do have next weekend kid free :D Nothing to say I can't take it down again. The best recent pics that I have are from holidays with Prof, is it ok to use them?

Things are fine with Prof. We had a "non-talk" about drinking when we are together, he feels it is excessive. He explained a little and I became somewhat offended and a little defensive and said I didn't want to talk about it at that moment, but would when I had time to think about what he was saying. He was good a let it go and giving me time to think about what he was saying. I drink once a week and not even every week but it is always with him, but still couldn't understand why he would think I was drinking too much. If we go somewhere I drive and never drink and drive so... but I wanted to go over it my head and see where he was coming from.
Then I got a text the next morning about him wanting some sober, vanilla sex once in a while, wow! This is fairly serious.
I thought about it most of the day and said I would like to meet for a talk after work.Turns out he thinks his own drinking is excessive and would like to cut down, he did say this to me a while ago. We have got into sharing a bottle of champers on Weds but when that is done I drink tea or juice, he then moves onto beer or whatever he is in the mood for. And I do get tipsy very easily so it probably looks like I am drinking more than I do. He drinks every evenoing/night, said probably 5-8 beers and/or mixed drinks on a regular night more on a date night. I knew he drank a lot and I have written about it before. During the talk he described himself as a functioning alcoholic, which he had also said before and added that he wants to cut down but has come to associate Weds with more drinking and wild sex. So can we have some sober vanilla sex? Sure! I am happy not to drink at all. Makes no difference to me and we still have fun sober vanilla morning sex. We did then have fun sober vanilla afternoon sex!

As I write, one more thing does come to mind. The E.D. is getting more, what's the word, usual? commonplace? He said to me the other week that his favorite thing about me was...that I am patient and don't get annoyed when he can't get it up. ( I was hoping for beautiful, intelligent @@ ) I felt a bit bad because I am getting annoyed and frustrated, I simply haven't told him as I knew he was aware. So maybe someone else has said something and he wants to work on it.

Anyway, whatever his reasons are, I have no problem supporting him and glad he let me have the time to work on it in my own way and be in a listening place not a defensive place.
 
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The best recent pics that I have are from holidays with Prof, is it ok to use them?

Is he in the pictures? If he is, then I would ask him if it was ok with him. Unless there is some other concern? (For instance, when we - me, MrS, Dude - were on OKC NONE of us had "identifiable" photos as we are not "out" publicly due to my job.)

We had a "non-talk" about drinking when we are together, he feels it is excessive. He explained a little and I became somewhat offended and a little defensive and said I didn't want to talk about it at that moment... Turns out he thinks his own drinking is excessive and would like to cut down...So can we have some sober vanilla sex? Sure! I am happy not to drink at all.

Sounds like just a miscommunication - however he framed the initial "non-talk" got your hackles up and ended the conversation before he could get to the meat of the matter? (His own drinking.) He may have taken the intervening time to think about what he was really trying to say, and clarify things for himself as well.

The E.D. is getting more, what's the word, usual? commonplace?

Cutting back on the alcohol should help with this.

Anyway, whatever his reasons are, I have no problem supporting him and glad he let me have the time to work on it in my own way and be in a listening place not a defensive place.

I think it is great that you acknowledge this! It took me a LONG time to learn how to just step away from a topic when MrS and I disagreed and emotions came into play. But, it just works SOOO much better ...
 
Yes Jane, It works better for me to go away and have a think about things and then be able to formulate questions calmly.

I am pretty sensitive about the subject of drinking having been married to not very functioning alcoholic. Any implication that I am not doing what needs to be done or not taking care of my children will set my hackles ups. I saw Prof on Weds at a concert and he said he was working on having a couple of alcohol free nights a week. The conversation was entirely about him. No more "we need to cut back". In the past 2 weeks I have had one drink. Not much to cut back on!

Prof is off vising Ms. White Picket for the weekend. I am a little curious as to how things are going but keeping the texting to general chit chat.

He called me before he left, asked me to stay at his house for Halloween. Yes, we had already discussed that. Asked me and the kids to come and stay next weekend for a street bbq/birthday party. Sure, would be fun. Hasn't called brother regarding Thanksgiving. Ok, no rush. Looking forward to getting the camper back (yes, it does need a rebuilt tranny ). I have booked Spring break campsites, as he knows. Only 2 weeks till Geeks Vacation. Yes, it is.

It wasn't till I got off the phone that I realized he was trying to reassure one of us that plans would continue after the visit to Ms White Picket. It hasn't been causing me any anxiety :rolleyes: I think he is recycling issue from his relationship with Ms Text, she had vetoed Ms. White Picket and I can only imagine he thinks it is upsetting me. Ms White Picket lives in a city that I have no particular interest in going to so...no jealousy on my part :D. Might be different if they were meeting in Honolulu ;)

Kip. I am him meeting tomorrow for a curry. I am fascinated by his desire to keep me in his life, doesn't make sense really. He has other active partners so not too sure what the motivation is. It cannot purely be the tea and biccies after sex. Maybe it is the amazing blow jobs.

I bought myself a new-to-me car. A compact SUV type thing. I was standing in the garage wondering how to get 3 bikes and camping gear strapped on to my compact sedan. I figured out the borrowed bike rack for 2 bikes on the trunk with roof racks for camping gear and the third bike on top. And started laughing. I realized it really was time for a bigger car.
I was having a little buyers remorse till I folded down the back seats and hauled a new-in-the-box bookcase home from the thrift store. Nice one!

The concert was a big surprise and really fun, tickets were organized by Prof's cousin. It was a big outdoor event, and I worked us through the crowd to fairly near the front. No way did I do a 2 hour drive to watch the music equivalent of Lego mini-figures. If I am doing it then I want to do it groupie style, up close and personal. This is not the Tuesday night one, I decided to back out of that as back-to-back weeknight concerts in the city would have been exhausting. I am glad I just went to the Weds night one and really enjoyed it. We didnt get home till nearly 2 am.
 
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I think it started with birthday plans for Prof. We will come back from the geek's weekend on his birthday. My understanding was we were to going to have presents and cake in the evening as he had no plans. As of last night he has plans, an MFM with a current lover and her partner and I can join in if I want to. It is on a Monday night, so no I can't.:rolleyes: I was surprised as he was the one who said he intended to spend Monday evening with me but scheduled over the top. There was also a little edge to this as I had never heard of the new partner, let's call her Ms Pine, before and I picked up that he had met her a least a few times.

I am getting quite good at reading Prof and thought there was a reason behind the poke. I think he wanted to gauge my reaction and set up the next part of the conversation.

Back peddaling slightly.
I did ask him on Monday "How was your trip?" He told me about the trip but not about Ms White Picket. I thought he purposely avoided talking about her which was fine by me and thought he would talk about it when he had time to process. The question was deliberately worded to allow for that space.

These 2 items combined into Prof wanting to have a "define this relationship " talk. This is what I heard. He doesn't want a "don't ask don't tell" agreement, he enjoys relationship conversations, he loves me and is in love with me, adores the kids, wants me to ask him any question, he wants total transparency, thinks our relationship is going well, wants me to ask specific questions, wants me to be forthcoming with my dating life and life in general.

He purposefully did not answer about Ms White Picket on Monday because he wanted me to ask specifically about her. He absolutely made it it clear that he knew I was asking about her and deliberately didn't answer.This tied into the MFM reveal of earlier. The logic being that if I asked more questions then I would have known that Ms Pine was planning a visit and if I had asked what happened with MS White Picket then he would have answered. He misses the point that I don't see it as my business.

He thinks I am amazing and wonderful at dealing with the challenges of life, have superb focus and that I don’t quit. He doesn't want to do anything that would break-up the relationship, wants me to tell him if I feeling unhappy and not just do the break-up thing. Thinks we go deeper than activity partners and "great sex" partners. He sees me as a true friend, very grateful for the support during Ms Text's illness and after her death. His cousin though I was wonderful and good fun and that Prof should hold on to me. He is excited about our “Geekend” away. His friends think it is great that he has found a girl willing to do some of the silly things we plan to do. I am flexible, open and don’t hold onto anger.
It was mostly positive but went on until 4 am.

He says I have many misconceptions about him. Specifically, the part not wanting to be a burden, not wanting to ask him for help, thinking he doesn't want to know about my dating, worrying about his anxiety. He agrees that he said those things but thinks the situation has changed since then and I need to let them go.

My main reaction to this outpouring is that I don't particularly want to know who he is seeing. I think he has a number of partners right now after a fairly quiet period, and I don't feel that I need to know what he does in his own time. I am happy to hear if he wants to tell, I was curious about Ms White Picket, but he told me he was going to see her. I didn’t ask what he was going to do on that trip. Sometimes I have questions but mostly I want to keep the relationships separate. He knows my schedule, it is fairly basic and if he asks I will tell him what I am doing. His schedule is very busy, I know he sees other people, so I don't ask. An AHA! moment. I don't want to replicate the whole "date" or "engagement" arrangement he had with Ms Text. I thought it was awful, but I see that Prof would like to be in the know and that would help him with his anxiety. A "date" was a meeting with a chance of sex, and "engagement" was non-sexual. They texted each other before going out to let each other know what was likely to happen.

I think my main input was saying that I am happy with how things are, I want him to be happy and enjoy his other partners and I don’t want either one of us to interfere with the other’s relationships. I don't have any others right now, but that is how I feel.
 
There we go, I just deleted Kip from my signature.
We met, we had lunch, we had sex, we had very good sex, but I just don't trust him or really like him that much anymore. When we met a few weeks back and I expressed my desire to end it, he made a number of promises and suggestions. He made a slight effort for a wee while but has slipped back again. " I suppose we should make plans for your birthday dinner." I threw out a couple of dates and got no response, and TBH this was the final test, I asked him again if any of the dates worked for him. No response. My second request for dinner in 2 years and his reaction is " I suppose", No worries mate, time to move on.
I mostly feel like avoiding making birthday plans. We had the super fun night for #2 child only a couple of weeks ago and the whole organizing thing gets tiring. One my my BFFs has asked me to organize birthday dinner for her in a few weeks so we could combine hers and mine like we did last year. Yup, I just sent out a few texts. Do it in a few weeks. I think that is every weekend between now and Xmas has something happening, it is enough.
Getting so excited about the Geekend. I need to start working on that. the ex has flaked on some morning drop off plans we made for the kids. He got me to cancel the morning school care and then said he didnt want to do it after all. Getting up at 7:15am is too early for him :rolleyes: the kids would be dropped off with lunches made, dressed and ready to go. All he has to do is drive, lazy fucker. The point of that paragraph being, we booked the plane tickets based on me taking the kids to their father at 7:15 am next Friday.
$60 for morning daycare drop-in fees. :mad:
Addendum to the previous post. Sex with Prof is not great for me, it is ok. The ED continues, but fair enough we had quite a bit of birthday champagne. Possibly he is having so much sex that he is tired. He is compensating with other techniques but really, I like lots of PIV. It will be interesting to see over the Geekend how things go. As everything else is pretty good then I am not going rock the boat over something he has only some control over.
 
So I think we got to the bottom of the communicating for now.
He told me about his current partners, he categorizes them as "sees more than once a month" and sees "irregularly." Ms White Picket will be once or twice a year, irregulars also include Ms. Fish, Ms Bike and Ms Admin if she reappears. I didn't ask about Ms Pine. There is Ms Ride, fairly recent biking partner with whom it turned sexual, Ms Widow fairly regular, and someone else who he has had a few dates with, but nothing sexual yet. One of them has a primary, possibly Ms Ride? Not sure. A lot of information came quickly.
I did express a little surprise at the numbers, seems like a lot to me, he said he really only has time for 2-3 regulars. I take up most of his free time and am the only one with a very set days, often 3 nights plus a week.
I asked would he be ok with me seeing that number of people, and here in lays the root of all the need for talking. He wants to know when I feel ready to start dating again, and when I actually start to meet people, dinner, dates, sex. "Why?" I ask, "why so much detail?" He says he is worried that with my very limited free time that he would get pushed aside in a haze of NRE, he wouldn't be happy with once a month or less. He also worries that I might blind-side him with a done deal kind of situation which he would never have seen coming. He is not looking to replacement me and hopes I don't want to replace him.
The other topic was jealousy, when asking about triggers I said activities. We tried to get to the bottom of what would make me unhappy and after quite a lot of digging came up with nothing. There would have been the TV series we were watching on DVDs that got shipped via 2 stops. I would have been hurt if he watched that with someone else. But that is it. He is free to go wherever in his camper van with whomever, it is his. My free time is limited and I would never prevent him from doing something fun just because I couldn't go.
It was pointed out that I am somewhat stuck on the model of open relationships that he had with Ms Text, I have been very quick to agree and said it is my default of understanding how he runs things. He says we have to make our own model and let that one go.
I think, for me, I don't have the degree of worry about being replaced, relationships end, life goes on, if you find someone else who makes you happier then have at it, enjoy your life as much as you can. This equals less of a need to be informed, go have fun, be safe, be happy.
Mr Anxious likes to be prepared, and for him that involves being in the information loop. It does go against what he said before, all he wanted to know was I was being safe and being treated with kindness and respect. I have a feeling he will go back to that when I do start seeing someone.
I still can't see how to make dating work for now. Maybe an FB? I don't want to do the daytime thing that I did with Kip, and pretty much only have 2 or 3 free nights a month, and I need some time for friends and for me. But, but, but, I do want some mad crazy sex.
Sex with Prof is defaulting down to OK. We had OK sex last night. I don't want OK. I want hours of rolling orgasms. We talked briefly about that, he says it is lack of sleep. I did a little push by asking how was sex with the other partners, his reply was " vanilla" I was asking more about if he had problems lasting with them. So no clear answer.
So that is it. Hopefully enough questions and answers for a while. I want to go have fun, get the camper van back and do a trip in it somewhere. Enjoy the Geekend. give each other space to do what needs to be done then meet up and have toe curling sex and lots of laughs.
 
Yeah for the fun sex! :D
Saturday night was OK, Sunday night rocking, Monday early morning good and Monday late morning better. I had to pop back home for a phone charger and Prof had got back into bed after I had left, so I joined him for a quickie.
 
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I am so far behind on Master's class it is not funny. I changed my topic, all previous work is for naught and I am starting over. Prof said he will help. nice thought but we are not in even remotely similar fields although he deals with phD defenses etc. I said it would be more helpful to eat curry with me and smack my ass. I need to post a huge rewrite by Saturday. Not going to happen! Cause I will be either on a plane or trying to find a place for a quick fuck at various well known tourist destinations. :D

2 sleeps till the geekend. So excited!!!!!
 
Quick update.
The geekend was a laugh. We saw all the sites that we wanted to see and one extra. I drove, he navigated, we stopped to look at the stars, so incredibly clear. We ate far too much sugar, drank a little. The sex was fine, so I can pretty much see the default level there and will think about what I want to do. Fine is fine, it is not great, not fabulous, not toe curling. I wanted more most of the time. But we got on very well, no cross words the entire trip, no relationship talks, mostly a lot of laughing and being very silly. Brilliant! We are working on the next 2 trips.
 
I picked up a cold on one of the flights, stuffy runny nose mostly. I am feeling a little sensitive and left work early to come home and nap for a bit. Prof invited me to go house-hunting with him next Tuesday and go for dinner with the realtors after at a very fancy schmancy restaurant. I texted him about getting a sitter and he replied with "up to you." That didnt' seem very enthusiastic so I said I could just view the house with the kids and go home. response was "your are welcome to do whatever you want." My little feelings want him to say "I would like you to join." So I will be sulky and petulent and not reply till I feel better.
Kip wants us to resume, says he misses me. I miss the sex, havent had a really awesome fuck since last time I saw him. I might go for it.
Big changes with the ex. He has a lawyer and wants the divorce to be reversed so he can go after whatever it is he wants.
I asked for his mi- week overnights to be reduced due to his repeated failure to show up, no homework and lost homework. the judge agreed and singed the reduction but lawyer wants an "evidenciary hearing". What a PIA.
I have to round up paperwork and get anyone involved to write a declaration stating the receipts are real. Ex then has the nerve to call me 3 hours later and say he can't do the next three days of pick ups and I need to sort something out, and hangs up the phone, calls back, hangs up. Sucked up over an hour and a half of my work day. Could this be why I want him out of the mid-week loop entirely? :mad:
 
I sent Prof an email asking for a firm yes or no.
Got sensitive while chatting to Joe, so went to sleep at 8pm and slept 10 hours straight on top of the 2 hour nap. Feeling like I could go back to bed and sleep more.
Prof has been really sweet recently so dont read too much into the my -preceived -lack -of -interest texts. He is going to add me as his companion so I can get free flights with him, going to give me airmiles for the euro trip next summer, coming to make pizza with the kids Saturday night, took care of the sniffly grumpy me on Weds night. My follow up email wasn't grumpy just asking for clarity, so I haven't dug myself a hole there.
Fairly sure I will meet Kip for some sex, I have no time to for dinners and activities with him anyway. Prof and friends are going to get what little kid free time I have and I would like some too. Short of watching UFO with Prof, I havent watched tv in 10 weeks. That's a lie, I burned my way through Walking Dead on Netflix.
 
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How off-base did I get?
So the request for clarification ended up with emails, texts and eventually phone calls. I was lost and confused, he was saying stick with one communication mode and then changing back to another. I thought he was getting angry and annoyed. I was getting anxious, I left a voicemail and eventally we connected by phone.

Turns out Prof was teasing me with the emails and texts, wasn't annoyed at all. The "up to you" explanation is still a little lacking in enthusiasm for my liking, basically if I want to pay for a sitter then welcome to join in. No mention of " "I would like you to come" but then is still all keen for pizza making on Saturday and he kept repeating that, plus we have plans for booking Euro tickets on Saturday too. I think he is trying to give me an exit due to the cost, but I was taking it as lack of enthusiasm. It was a fairly rushed chat, he was surprised that I was genuinely in a tizzy, but didn't have time to talk as he was on his way into a meeting. He did, however, say that he appreciated me making the effort to communicate and asking for clarity. I can let it go now.
I developed an new acronym. SRS, Subtext Reading Syndrome. Finding meaning that isn't there.
I don't feel very well either. Pretty much clock watching till home time.
 
Chit chatting to Joe online. He has a spare skateboard to give to my kids and offered to bring it up on Saturday and would also like to restart a "romantic full-time relationship" with me. :eek: Didn't see that coming. There is no way I can with time constraints being what they are, but I would reengage with him as a FWB. We arranged to meet on the 15th to eat curry, I converted him :D so we will see what happens. He is also still seeing Ms Mono so I wont go there till there that relationship is resolved and made that quite quite clear.
Had a really fun night and part of the day with Prof. He arrived an hour late to make the pizzas. I had already started as the kids were hungry and was somewhat annoyed, but he explained how his afternoon had gone and how he he had been trying to be on time. He really has been making the effort with punctuality so I heard him out and it seemed genuine, rather than his usual "got caught up with..." We had a strange conversation after the kids went to bed. I was giving im a back rub and we were talking about the house hunting. He said he wanted to work out how to move in here with me. I was all, well you could have half the garage, build an addition or garden shed, add some closets, get a storage spot for the camper, but there is still no way you'd fit all your stuff. He said he would sell everything and downsize. It was then I realised he was half serious and I had to shut him down with the fact that my kids are 20 years younger than his and I am sure he does not want to start that lifestyle all over again. He then moved on to me renting out this house and moving into his new purchase. I am hoping he was kidding but he has mentioned it before. He stayed out till 4am on Friday night/Saturday morning. I got up at 6 am on Saturday morning. Our lifestyles and schedules are so far apart. I wouldn't even want to try.
He left a little after 10:30 this morning, I had some friends coming round. And then reappeared with tools and bits and pieces to repair the garage door, clean out and get the heater running, ziploc bags, I had run out, and spent 2 hours doing maintenance tasks with #2 child while I did homework with #1 and house stuff. And took my pocket-watch to repair, my bracelet to reduce in size and my meteorite earrings to turn into charms and solder to the bracelet. Quite above and beyond anything I would even dream of asking for help with.
#1 child asked if we were love birds and loved each other. We both said we like each other a lot :) #1 said to Prof "Well, I love you." Prof said he loved #1 and #2 too. #1 skipped back off to bed all happy.
We further clarified "up to you" and what it means to both us. He sees it as a no pressure invitation, I see it as not all that bothered if you show or if you dont. He gave me an "up to you" this morning over his previous Halloween invitation. We had discussed this before, his offer, not my idea, so giving it an "up to you" seems back pedaling. I gave him raised eyebrows and he said 'What I mean is I want you to pack an overnight bag for the kids and spend Halloween at my house, I want you all to be there." Much clearer message than "up to you."
I am also chatting with Kip, possibly meeting for some sex this week. Seems easier to go with previous known entities then someone new.
 
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