Polys opinions about monos exploring poly appreciated

WonderingSue

New member
Would like your opinions on something that has been bothering me. I let a crush know that I liked her and she responded that she needed someone who was heavily into kink (s&m), and knew I would not be able to provide that. We didn't even discuss that I am interested in poly. (When we first met, I'd apparently given her the impression that I was mono and vanilla). Having been exposed to her poly world (for the last year), I feel like exploring both worlds.

Recently she commented that her OSO's girlfriend was in over her head, since she was vanilla and not kinky. That the relationship will probably not last.

Still feeling a little slighted, I am wondering, do most poly folks feel the same about someone like me? That we can't change? Have you always felt "poly", even when you didn't have the word for it? Thanks.
 
I have always felt poly to some extent, but not everyone has. Some poly people however have strong ideas about what "all polys" are or are not. Things like kinky, geeky and pagan come up a lot. But there are many polys who are not these things.

I think you should tell her how you feel. And I assure you being poly doesn't really depend on what other things you are, as much as some people seem to believe it does. So don't worry about it.
 
I feel like there's really two different issues going on here. It seems to me like her comments are focused on being kink which doesn't have anything to do with being poly. I can understand her thinking that someone who needs a certain kind of kink in their relationships is not going to do well with someone who cannot provide that kink. I can also understand feeling that someone who is new to kink could be overwhelmed.

But none of that has anything to do with being mono previously and looking into poly. As long as you're honest with the people you date (something along the lines of "I agree with/am interested in the principles of poly but I don't know how I'll actually react so please be patient." gives them a chance to decide if they want to get involved with you) I don't see any problem with you "trying" poly. We all had our first experience with poly at some point, even if we felt poly before we knew the word. No one can know for sure what's going to happen in any attempt at a relationship, so as long as you're being open and honest and not using people to "experiment" on, what's the problem?
 
I agree that there are two separate issues (poly and kinky), and I wonder if she mentioned kinky as a way to let me down easy. I am trying to maintain the friendship and act "normal'.

It was her comment implying her gf's gf can't change that led me to wonder if most polys feel like she did. Because she's always been/felt poly, that she might have a hard time seeing someone who had not previously identified as such to "convert".

I don't know if it's worth discussing, and definitely don't want her to think I am bringing it up to try to change her mind about dating me. We're pretty close friends but on reflection, probably would not be a good match. And for a lesbian, I am horrible at processing. :)
 
From what I can tell, a lot poly folks won't try a relationship with someone inexperienced. It is understandable if you realize most of them got burned badly, and usually more than once :(

Within kink, it also makes sense that some are willing to work with a newbie and some aren't. It's their choice. If they are used to giving/receiving intense pain, I could see them not wanting to scale it back 20 fold for a newbie.

She might be picking up what kind of vibe/energy you have and making assumptions about what BDSM you would be into. In general someone submissive wants someone Dominant, so why waste their time with someone giving off a submissive vibe? Same for Dominants. Of course there are more roles than simply submissive or Dominant, but we often have a gut feeling whether someone complements us.
 
I can't speak to the kink aspect of this question.

I can say that many of us have the experience of dating someone poly-curious or transitioning to poly only to realize well into the connection that poly isn't right for them. This results in heartache (and sometimes drama).

I've recently had this experience (as detailed in my blog). It is hard. And, certainly hard to repeatedly and knowingly expose yourself to. Many poly folks are as a result very hesitant to date those who are exploring poly for the first time. It is heart protection. It is not about you as an individual.

I'm still a bit torn about this. I've had the experience - twice already - in a relationship ending hard because of a reversion back to monogamy. At the same time, someone had to take a chance on me as I explored poly. And, I appreciate her greatly for that. I guess I'm likely to continue to give compelling newbies the benefit of the doubt.

It puts my heart at risk. But, I guess that for me that's just part of living life fearlessly. I'm doing my best to do just that.
 
I also can't talk about the kink side of things, but can talk about the dating poly newbies.

I have had three relationships where when I met the person, they had never heard of poly. When I talked to them about it, they seemed interested and curious. So we talked at length about what it would mean, and, while it was different each time, eventually we fell in love.

The relationships lasted from a few weeks to a few years. They were always a challenge - trying to deal with the societal conditioning, and trying to work out what they really felt about poly. There were always struggles with them not respecting my existing relationship and wanting more, more, more. Dialogue between the three of us was very tough, to the point of being dysfunctional.

In the end, each one of them decided that poly wasn't for them. One of them had the decency to tell me straight-out, the others started looking for a "replacement" without telling me (in other words they cheated on me) and THEN dumped me.

It hurt a lot each time, not because they ended up deciding they were mono - I always knew that that was a possibility, it was more the continuous work of the day-to-day of the relationship dynamic and in the two case,s the ugly ways it ended, which were very hurtful for me.

I am in a long-term mono/poly relationship and that takes a lot of work by its very nature. Adding in more doubt and complexity pushed it to the point where some of the time it barely seemed worth it.

Then I met my current OSO, who was poly and "got it" and we have been together for 4 years. It has been FAR easier - she respects my mono partner and my relationship, she "gets it" when it comes to so much of the day-to-day parts of life. She hadn't been in a poly relationship before, but she had done a ton of research and just "got it" on a deep-down level.

I would definitely consider dating a poly-curious person again, but it would have to be at a time in my life where I could handle it, because it is difficult and contains a great risk of being hurt.
 
Have you always felt "poly", even when you didn't have the word for it? Thanks.
No, I felt twu wub in my first relationship (in my teens). But, within six months, I realized I wanted to experiment. I`ve also been in a mono relationship for 3 years, although out of compromise. I felt mono was the only way I could have regular sex. I basically dragged it as long as I could, before dropping the 'open up' or 'break up' bomb on my partner.

Nowadays, I suppose someone who`s mono or a recent "convert" would be batting above their average dating me, TBQH. At least for the long haul, I think I am better matched with people who have had plenty of sexual experience, partners, and experience in open relationships. And, especially partners who know how to keep what`s private, private (note that I am open not poly).

Yet, who knows? I`m open minded enough to take it on a case-by-case basis. I won`t invest a lot of time on you, however, unless I`m confident that we`re spit from the same dragon.

The way I`ve gotten burned was, I`ve had partners who would agree to an open relationship in theory but act mono. In other words, not give me space, check on me when we were apart, PDA, pressure me to 'fess up' to being with other partners, and just generally passively-aggressively push toward home-making until I felt cooped up.

I guess the opposite end has also happened. I`ve had dates who played fast and loose with my schedule, didn`t communicate, and left me hanging, or vanished without notice, on the grounds that I did not want a 'serious' relationship and that I made them 'confused.'
 
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I've been in mono relationships, like most poly people. Polyamory is a lifestyle, IMO, not an inborn sexuality. I think humans probably naturally lean towards monogamy for child rearing, but naturally seek out more than one partner otherwise. I saw a special on TV that says women prefer more masculine men during ovulation, and more feminine men when not ovulating, and I suspect that's true - We prefer different partners at different times.

I've always been kind of transient in my sexuality. I have periods where I don't even masturbate. I have periods where I feel very lesbian. I have periods where I feel very straight, and then I feel very interested in MFF threesomes or having sexual feelings towards men and women. I have periods where I think dating an MTF would be amazing, post-op or pre-op. Trans partners have this appreciation for being themselves, and seeing them become comfortable with their true spirits and identities is not just liberating for them, but their loved ones. Some of the best sex I had was with a trans partner.

I've also read women have more adaptable sexuality. I agree; I tend to find I'm interested in who I'm around. If I'm dating a woman, I tend to have more interest in women, and vice versa. And I imagine the same may even be true for poly - If you're actively living a poly life, it probably seems better than mono.

OTOH, I'm as vanilla as they come, and I cannot get into kink. Being dominated is not cool at all for me. I can do a good job at domination (so I am told), but it does nothing for me. I'd do some mild domination for someone I love, but they can forget me being a submissive. They'd have to find another partner.

I think it's a little sad your crush's OSO is probably going to end a relationship over a partner being too vanilla. Sex is important, but ending a relationship because a partner doesn't like a certain sexual act is unfortunate, but I guess I'm biased being a vanilla. :p
 
If you asked me out, and we chatted? I'd say yes or no depending on what I'm looking for at the time and if I'm even available for dating. It is not that you lack anything. Maybe her poly plate is just full right now.

It doesn't make you HORRIBLE or anything. Or her. Just... time management.


We didn't even discuss that I am interested in poly. (When we first met, I'd apparently given her the impression that I was mono and vanilla). Having been exposed to her poly world (for the last year), I feel like exploring both worlds.

If you think that wasn't put out there clearly, put it out once more but if there's no spark for her there's just no spark for her. Be friends and let it go.

GalaGirl
 
Still feeling a little slighted, I am wondering, do most poly folks feel the same about someone like me? That we can't change? Have you always felt "poly", even when you didn't have the word for it? Thanks.

I don't. There was a time when I didn't have "poly" to describe myself, and then there was a time when I had "poly" but didn't think to apply it. If it's what you want, it's what you want (and if it's not, that's awesome too).

I sometimes wonder how other poly people feel about someone who is vanilla and still poly. I can't meet kinky needs, either. Your crush certainly reinforces the whole "poly must be kinky too" paradigm. What if I'm just wired to want multiple people in my life, no whips or chains attached? /perturbed
 
I felt poly when I was a kid, but due to romantic notions and society, I did not think my wants were realistic, and I thought I could be happy with mono. Now I don't want mono.
 
Still feeling a little slighted, I am wondering, do most poly folks feel the same about someone like me? That we can't change? Have you always felt "poly", even when you didn't have the word for it? Thanks.
Hmm, see, I think that there are different groups of folks.

Some are monogamous, through and through. No matter how much they pretend to be poly (often to try to make their partner happy), they will never succeed.

Then there are the poly, through and through, that have known it all their lives. No matter how much they try, in order to make their partner happy, eventually they are going to feel closed in.

The middle class are those who have been brought up monogamous, and have managed to suppress the poly urges to convince themselves and others that they are monogamous. The question is, are they willing and able to deprogram themselves from what society has brought them up to think is right?

There have been a few One True Wayers who have maintained that there is no such thing as the first class, and that everyone is poly, it's just that some are hiding it better than others. I don't buy into that at all.

So for me, I didn't feel "poly", I felt unethical, immoral, untrustworthy and a whole bunch of other negative emotions because I didn't seem capable of "staying faithful", no matter how much I loved someone. I had no clue that poly existed.

As for the kink side of things, I have written elsewhere that sometimes the non-kink (vanilla) poly folks feel a bit left out because so many poly folk are also into kink. Kink changes the whole dynamic or relationships and sometimes to the point where "does not compute" starts flashing in the head when you try to grasp the concepts. We talk about how the old Mormon polygamy was bad because of how it was always one man, many women and how women need to have the right to have multiple partners too, and yet the d/s 24/7 TPE relationship is often structured exactly that way, OPP and all. That, somehow is ok, whereas the LDS version isn't. I'm not saying it's wrong, just cannot reconcile the two in my head.

We are talking in other threads on here about how bad it is to be a doormat in a relationship - to stand up for what we need, etc. And yet when it comes to kink, it's just fine to be a doormat and let your "master" dictate everything to you. I struggle to help folks in that sort of dynamic for that reason, I guess.

There is no question, though, that these folks make it work well for themselves, and that it is fully consensual. So it's not that I have a problem with it, just can't comprehend why someone would want that, and thus find it hard to contribute to discussions about it.
 
I sometimes wonder how other poly people feel about someone who is vanilla and still poly. I can't meet kinky needs, either. Your crush certainly reinforces the whole "poly must be kinky too" paradigm. What if I'm just wired to want multiple people in my life, no whips or chains attached? /perturbed

*putting hands up* Here, pick me, pick me! Totally vanilla and never interested in any kink as far as I know it, aside from the 'normal' stuff. Does this really seclude itself this much? I never noted such a strong connection between those areas.
 
I sometimes wonder how other poly people feel about someone who is vanilla and still poly.

I find this such a strange statement. I don't quite understand it. What do you mean by "vanilla and still poly?" Still? Like how is that possible? As if one automatically correlates with the other? It doesn't for me. To me, the practice of kinky or non-kinky sexual activities is completely separate from the practice of structuring one's relationships to be polyamorous, monogamous, etc. Sure, people can take part in both, and have them entwined in their lives, but I object to the idea that poly itself is a kink, which some kinksters seem to be saying sometimes. That always bugs me.
 
Ciel, a D/s relationship isn't about the sub being a "doormat" :) They are still equal in respect and human rights, and have the right to tell their Dom(me) if they did something wrong, although depending on the relationship they might have to do it in a very roundabout way.
The point for the sub is to give up all responsibilities, having to make decisions, etc, and letting someone you trust completely, and who knows you better than you know yourself, make these decisions for you. It takes a lot of stress off, stress that the person still has in the rest of their life even if at home they're a 24/7 sub.
Mind you, being a switch I have no direct experience with people who are in 24/7 relationships, or even relationships where the dynamics extent much beyond sex. But the idea that you need to stand up for yourself is still present, it's not about doing what the Dom wants as much as it's about letting the Dom ask you to do what you want.
 
OK, well my lack of experience and interest in kink is showing, quite obviously :) Thanks for the correction.

It was based a lot on some of the posts in poly forums where kink was more accepted. Lots of train wrecks where the confusing factor (to my mind, at least) was a highly one-sided relationship dynamic where the "sub" couldn't make their concerns known. Maybe this was folks doing kink badly, in the same way that folks can do poly badly.
 
And yet when it comes to kink, it's just fine to be a doormat and let your "master" dictate everything to you.

Um... no. It's agreed to play. It's not being a doormat without rights or without consent. Playing out a scene is not the same as a 24/7 D/s dealio. Even the dealio gets negotiated! There's kink ethics!

That isn't to say there are no people in the kink community that wear false colors.

Just like in the poly community that are some who wear false colors -- more like "poly" (air quotes!) fuckery than polamory.

Honest folk whatever the flavor -- kink, poly, hard or soft swing -- I think all frown on false colors being flown.

But I suspect that's why a large portion of poly are also into kink sprinkles -- there's a lot of negotiate-y going on in both worlds and the skillsets can easily transfer.

Me? I'm closed at this time with DH. Just not UP for a poly tribe raising kids. Does that make me horrible? No. Just not my scene. I rather close at this parent stage.

Your crush certainly reinforces the whole "poly must be kinky too" paradigm. What if I'm just wired to want multiple people in my life, no whips or chains attached? /perturbed

What? Non-kink polys somehow not cool? Of course not. Totally cool! Kink and poly are items on the sexual buffet. They don't have to come as a set! And all people have to find their sexual identity, then sexual preferences, and well... sort themselves out.

I do think people just need to speak up more about their current needs. And check in because - hey! We human! Needs change, evolve, we age.

Disappointing when crushes don't fly and line up but so it goes. Can't force a thing, right?

GalaGirl
 
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I'm also seeing a distinction between trying out poly by engaging in more than one relationship, and trying out poly by being in a relationship with only one person, who is poly. So if you have someone who has always been in monogamous relationships, they might be single and wondering whether to get involved with someone who's poly (while still being monogamous), or they might be in a relationship already and wondering whether to try adding on a second relationship. Whether an experienced poly person is open to getting involved with someone trying it out for the first time might have a lot to do with which kind of situation it is.
 
I find this such a strange statement. I don't quite understand it. What do you mean by "vanilla and still poly?" Still? Like how is that possible? As if one automatically correlates with the other? It doesn't for me. To me, the practice of kinky or non-kinky sexual activities is completely separate from the practice of structuring one's relationships to be polyamorous, monogamous, etc. Sure, people can take part in both, and have them entwined in their lives, but I object to the idea that poly itself is a kink, which some kinksters seem to be saying sometimes. That always bugs me.

I'm loving that this came up in the discussion here! Dude teases me all the time that I am "kinky" when I consider myself as about "vanilla" as they come - to the point where there is some stuff that a lot of people consider "regular" that I am not into/ turns me off.

I like to sleep with men and with women - that doesn't make me kinky that makes me bisexual. I like to be in relationships with more than one person - that doesn't make me kinky, that makes me poly. I like the occasional threesome and I don't think that even THAT makes me particularly kinky :eek: - to me I am just having regular vanilla sex with two people at the same time! (If doing the same sex act with one person is NOT kinky, why is doing that same sex act with two people suddenly now kinky?)

So people draw that "kink" line various places depending on their own experiences and comfort levels. Now the standing joke in the house is "THAT'S not kinky, because I'd do THAT:D."

("Plain")JaneQ("Vanilla")Smythe
 
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