Feeling abandoned

Dol

New member
My wife and I are new to poly relationships. Its been about five months since she started seeing her daddy dom. Since then I have switched antidepressants, resulting in a very big drop in my mood. I have good days and bad days. On the bad days I want her to spend time with me and help me cope. When we are together I feel ignored because she constantly has her face stuck in her phone messaging him and others, and she frequently doesn't hear me when I talk to her. When I tell her I'm not feeling good she tells me to cheer up, and when I don't instantly do so she gets frustrated and tells me how hard my depression is making her life, which makes me feel even worse. I don't ask her to stay when she has plans with him, because I don't want her to miss out on having fun, but when I think about if the roles were reversed, I can't imagine myself going out to have a good time while she was home feeling like shit and thinking about killing herself. How could I possibly have a good time while she suffers? Thinking about how she clearly can go out and have a good time while I wouldn't even consider it pisses my off and makes me resentful towards her. Am I just being selfish?
 
Are you in an emergency situation? Can you call 911, or call a suicide prevention hotline, or go see your therapist? Like, now?

Wanting to kill yourself after switching antidepressants is an emergency, no matter the "reason" ie: badly mismanaged "polyamory."

It's not a thing to ask about on an internet forum.
 
Hello Dol,

It sounds like your wife is being selfish, like she doesn't care that you're stuck at home feeling awful, while she is out having fun. Does this affect your opinion of her? Maybe this kind of thing could lead to a divorce. I'm assuming you don't want that, maybe you could just sit down with her and explain to her that you need her to be with you when you're feeling down.

Can I ask, why you switched antidepressants? Is there a chance you could go back to what you were taking before? or at least, switch again, to something you haven't tried yet? Sometimes it takes a lot of tries to find the right medication for you.

I am sorry you are having such an awful time.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It's not a thing to ask about on an internet forum.

Hi Dol -

I think what Magdlyn meant to say is that it's not a thing to ONLY ask about on an internet forum. I don't think she meant you shouldn't talk about it on an internet forum at all, but that you may want to consider reaching out for other help, besides (such, perhaps, as the suggestions she listed).

Obviously, there is a limit to the help we can provide here. But we don't mean to say that we're not at all available to you for talk.
 
If you are feeling suicidal, please call a hotline or 911 or go check yourself in to the ER. There is only so much Internet people can do to help. :(

You may have to accept that while you want your wife the most on bad days, she may not be equipped. What you might also need is professionals to help look after you when you are in the "danger zone." Not just her alone.

I don't ask her to stay when she has plans with him, because I don't want her to miss out on having fun...

Ok. Fair enough.

Does that go with you having an expectation that when she is home she is to spend her time attending to you and your conditions? She cannot have down time at home to be by herself? Cannot have phone/online dates with him? Only in person ones?

...I can't imagine myself going out to have a good time while she was home feeling like shit and thinking about killing herself.

She's supposed to magically know you are this poorly? Do you expect mind reader-ing?

Do you have a written suicide safety plan she is aware of? That lists what each of you is supposed to do? If not, you could draft one with a therapist that suits your needs/condition(s). There are templates online.

Ultimately your healthcare and health management is up to YOU, not her. She cannot be your life preserver or life raft, always buoying you up. :(

Thinking about how she clearly can go out and have a good time while I wouldn't even consider it pisses me off and makes me resentful towards her.

Why? You say you are happy for her to go out. Then you say you are not.

Do you resent her?

Or do you envy that she isn't bound by this illness like you are at this time?

Am I just being selfish?

I think your illness is making you self-oriented. Which sometimes happens with depression.

I watch it in my father... his world sorta "shrinks" and he wants to coop my mom up in there with him. She on the other hand, needs to be able to get out and away from his conditions sometimes for breaks so HER mental health can remain ok. Otherwise SHE gets resentful of him as the patient. Resentments can form in both directions in these situations. :(

When I tell her I'm not feeling good she tells me to cheer up, and when I don't instantly do so she gets frustrated and tells me how hard my depression is making her life, which makes me feel even worse.

I can imagine it is hard on you. It sounds like the condition(s) ALSO take a toll on your wife. Just in a different way that you.

I encourage you both to get professional help and support. Talk to your partner about managing this in a way were BOTH of you get more of what you need.

I can imagine it is challenging. :(

Hang in there ok? Please take care of you.

Galagirl
 
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