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  #1951  
Old 07-14-2015, 08:15 PM
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Oh my god the pain is so strong it rips me apart most days. Two weeks and I sit in Mono's stuff waiting for him to come and get it. I often just can't move for the weight of it. Soon, he says. He needs a place and he is happy at his gf's for now.

It's a threefold dagger; pain from losing him to another, pain of having lost him years ago as he says he didn't love me and the pain of all the cheating. I flip from one to the other and get overwhelmed when I try to wrap my head around all of it. I just don't understand that level of deception.

Relief..... I long for relief.
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  #1952  
Old 07-15-2015, 08:41 PM
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He started moving out today.... it will take until tomorrow. In a couple of hours I get my sti results. Could the results add to my pain? Another dagger in? We shall see.
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  #1953  
Old 07-16-2015, 03:55 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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I'm so sorry redpepper, sending lots of positive, healing thoughts your way.
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  #1954  
Old 07-22-2015, 04:49 AM
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Mono has moved out. After a week or more of living in his stuff he is finally gone. The place echos without him here and I find myself with mixed emotions. Tonight I was angry for the first time. I paced around, did chores and threw things... yelled at my Dad and tried to entertain myself. I came downstairs and stood looking at the door that leads from one part of the house to the other and blew up. FUCK YOU! How many times have I stood there and knocked, respecting his privacy before walking in. I should of walked in and helped him with his cock shot videos he was sending to random women on various dating sites and around town... some of whom live in my neighbourhood! Who does this shit to people?! What utter disregard and disrespect for everything about me!

I have spent hours going over the memories and good times only to come up with it was all a joke and game to him. His control was everywhere and I didn't see it! I have done so much reading on Narcissism now and spent many hours contemplating my role in all of this and all I can see are all the red flags that I chose to ignore due to his gaslighting. I can see it all now... years of being whittled down to believe that all I needed to do was trust him for his word and that it was me that was crazy to have gut feelings that didn't match what he said.

I have been working hard to ignore myself and get to a place where the suite is rented, I have a mortgage, I have the place to myself and can sit and take all of it in and allow myself to be completely overwhelmed so that I might rise again. All while he merrily goes on his fucking way with his new girlfriend, his instant family solidly by his side petting his head and telling him "it's okay, they are all crazy and I know you better... this is your new lease on life and I will save you." FUUUUUUCKKKK!

It just isn't right.
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  #1955  
Old 07-22-2015, 04:55 AM
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by the way I am clean... not that he bothered to ask me, but I am. More testing in a few months to be sure but as I was within the 12 period, I am confident.
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  #1956  
Old 07-22-2015, 04:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I have the place to myself and can sit and take all of it in and allow myself to be completely overwhelmed so that I might rise again.
I can't begin to imagine what your pain and anger is like right now, with a betrayal like that. But I found the sentence above really heartening... Not sure if you intended it as a positive thing. But yeah, once it's all out and the air is clear and yours again, that is when you can grow, and grow stronger.
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  #1957  
Old 07-22-2015, 05:20 AM
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Hi Red...-

Sorry about the hurt and pain!

Wishing you the best.

Hold yourself in the warmth of love.
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  #1958  
Old 07-26-2015, 11:33 PM
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Sometimes the only way is to let the pain and sadness take over and let it wash over me.

I just saw that movie "inside out." I feel like my joy memory balls are being touched by sadness. Each memory is uncertain and filled with doubt of whether or not the events were really ones, where I felt I belonged to a wonderful family that loved each other and were there for each other.

I sometime have a glimpse of believing that it doesn't matter because they are mine to remember but more often than not I attempt to forget them as they are tainted with thoughts of other people experiencing Mono at the same time as I without my knowing. Possibly his focus was more on them than me and our life together. It's likely his focus was rarely on me.

I think about it in a poly mindset and find it doesn't matter. Anything I create in my head and heart is for me and no one else's memories matter. I can grasp that occasionally.

I have taken to dating many people and spending a lot of time with friends. I am not short of interactions with others but they feel hollow from my end and I am lonely within moments of them leaving regardless of anyone being around me for hours.

I see myself differently now and don't know who I am. I see how much I give and trust and how naive I must look. I have put myself at risk with others emotionally. My vulnerability is evident and I can see outside of myself that they are using me and not trustworthy. Eventually I need to face myself.

I have rented the suite Mono and I shared, PN is moving out this month, I am beginning to move upstairs, my mortgage and life is coming together. LB is not being parented well by his mother and I intend to focus on him if I can... soon. I seem to be incapable of parenting my inner child let alone my own child.
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  #1959  
Old 07-26-2015, 11:38 PM
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I keep hearing from the woman that told me about Mono's cheating. She is hurting and reaches out to me. I finally told her that she needed to move on, learn from the experience and resolve never to cheat with someone else's boyfriend again... turn another leaf of integrity and hold her forever people close while she heals and grows.

How is it possible that I am able to embrace someone who stole my joyous memories and find a way to compassion and kindness? I ask myself that question daily as I face people who would chose unkindness and destruction of my nature rather than celebrate who I am.
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  #1960  
Old 07-27-2015, 08:56 AM
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You're a good person living your life with compassion and vulnerability and honesty and all these things are strengths not weaknesses. Weaker people guard their hearts and lie and lash out so they never have to feel what you're feeling but they also miss out on the happiness, the wonderful highs of love and intimacy.

You have been and continue to be an inspiration to me since I first found this board six or so years ago.
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