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Old 04-20-2013, 05:24 AM
TaraDelFuego TaraDelFuego is offline
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Default The Brink

I am bi. I am poly. I am going insane.

I have been like driftwood on the sea midst a hurricane and I have come to the point where I don't think I can handle this anymore.

I am in a steady relationship with a man. He and I have been together for 3 years and 2 years of it he has been gone for his job, coming home for short spells to see family. I love him and he want to take things further.

I have only barely come out to myself and my select friends as poly. Before a few months ago, I have been lead to believe that these thoughts and my feelings were dirty and merely an excuse to be a whore. Now I see that there is love in the relationships I cultivate, the people I genuinely connect to. I simply can't do anything about them.

Then there is him... Oh, this man is remarkable... Singer, actor, brilliant and perhaps a tad egotistical. Refreshingly enough, though he is the center of his own universe, he does not demand that he be the center of everyone else's universe. He speaks like a gentleman, walks like a statesman and drinks like the every-man. This is more than NRE speaking. I have shared and spoken with him as easily as I could with a friend I've known for years. He is poly, one of my guides on this journey through the vast unknown of Polyamory, and sadly, he loves me. Sadder still... I love him back.

My problem lies in that my boyfriend, the man who wants (or claims to want) a future with me, is oblivious to my orientations. Worse, to him there is no other alternative to "You and I" but "You and I? Never again".

Do I risk losing my love of roughly a year face to face- 3 chronologically- by telling him who I am and how I feel? What if he asks me to abandon my heart and be solely and completely his? What do I do?

Constant battles in my brain continuously bring up three options.
1: Tell him and risk the loss
2: Don't tell him and abandon a part of my heart
3: Kill yourself and do everyone a favor

How twisted am I that number 3 is slowly and carefully working its way up the list to option 1?

I don't know what to do...
~~From Tara with Love...~~
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Old 04-20-2013, 02:14 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hey there. I just wanted to give a shout-out to option #1. I'm guessing that you're in the prime of your life. Even if you lose your boyfriend -- and you might, it's true -- your life will go on. You will love again. Heck, you already do in the form of Mr. Gentleman/Statesman/Every-man.

Being honest is hard and scary. But the alternatives are much worse. You seem to know that, since "abandon a piece of myself" and "kill myself" are what you've seen that you're left with in the absence of honesty. Honesty is hard when you're saying the words, but then a million times easier afterwards. The weight is off your chest. You're free. You can move forward, and discover what life has in store.

Maybe your boyfriend will surprise you and be more open-minded than you ever dreamed. Do you really want to deny him the opportunity to show you a new side of himself, if in fact there is one hiding behind what you've already seen? Alternately, of course, you might break his heart. But do you know what would break his heart a million times worse, possibly in a way that never heals? For his girlfriend to kill herself? That's not the sort of thing people get over easily, if at all. It's the cruelest possible option for all involved.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 04-21-2013, 08:46 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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I second AnnabelMoore, and would also like to point out that Option 2 is much easier said than done.

Can you abandon a piece of your heart without creating resentment towards your boyfriend? Can you really let go, forget about this other person, and this aspect of yourself that you have discovered?

An impossible option isn't really an option.

Also with Option 3... I really understand the feeling that suicide would "do everyone a favour", but you are obviously loved by at least two people (and no doubt many more... family, friends). Killing yourself may well stop you from hurting people in the future by your actions, but I very much doubt, in fact guarantee with my own life, that there is nothing you could do in the future to hurt them more than how hurt they would be if you killed yourself.

So, I'd cancel option 3 as well.

Leaving you with AnnabelMoore's sage advice.

Another thing: with option 1, there are many possible ways it could go. Perhaps your boyfriend needs monogamy, at least for now. Maybe you can live with that, as long as you can talk about your poly feelings, and work together to see if you will be able to open up in the future (if I'm correct, GalaGirl and her partner are doing this - she blogs here too).

Finally, try to keep the general topic of being poly as a person separate from the specific topic of being in love with this other person. The second would be quite hard to hear, I think, if your boyfriend is mono-minded and has no idea that you have these feelings. Be clear about what you are saying. Are you saying you NEED to be with this other person? Or saying that you NEED to be open about being poly and sometimes having feelings for other people, that don't diminish how you feel about your boyfriend? Whether or not you are able to act on these feelings is a different matter.

Take care out there x
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Old 04-21-2013, 12:58 PM
ThatLChap ThatLChap is offline
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Hi there, sorry to hear that you're so concerned about this. I very much agree with fuchka and AnnabelMoore, but if you're taking these thoughts of suicide even half seriously, you absolutely need to talk to someone. There's always a better option than suicide, which brings me to the first two options.

As someone who was in a similar position to your boyfriend, that being my partner was coming to the realisation that she is poly, and eventually struck up a relationship with another man. The difference is; she told me, and we communicated every step of the way, and honestly, we've never been happier than we are now. A few months ago I had never even thought that would have happened, as we were considering our long-term options.

So if I were you I'd most likely go with telling your partner about your orientation, though before you do anything, what stance, if any, does he have on poly? If he truly wants a future with you, he should accept that you are polyamorous, and that your feelings for this new person doesn't necessarily take away or replace the feelings you already have for him. That's something I've talked about extensively with my partner, and I've never doubted that she still loves me.

I wouldn't really consider option 2. I can only see it leading to more problems down the road. If your feelings for your new gentleman (who does sound amazing) are that strong, you won't be able to ignore them, and acting on them without first communicating with your current partner wouldn't be a good step.

So to sum things up: I think honesty takes precedence over everything else here. Though if you're unsure as to how your partner would react, I'd ease him into the whole situation first. Feel free to listen to the other posters more, though. I'm still new to poly, but I can say that open communication, for me, has worked better than anything else.
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:11 AM
TaraDelFuego TaraDelFuego is offline
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Default For your support

Thank you all for your uplifting words of wisdom. Though this journey is a hard one, I can see a bit of light in the distance. My boyfriend is due back home soon hopefully and I want to make sure this time he can't escape the talk we have to have, as he so often does.

How do I get him to listen? How can I get him to sit and talk about this? He never calls or writes, no emails, while he's away and when he does he's either drunk or in the process of being so... This is definitely a talk that needs to be conducted sober but how do I approach him? Feel out his feelings on poly? Should I even admit to my feelings for this other man?

I am stuck between Menelaus and Paris... I am far from a Helen of Troy... It's never easy is it? :/
~~From Tara with Love...~~
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Old 04-26-2013, 04:23 PM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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Originally Posted by TaraDelFuego View Post
It's never easy is it? :/
Hi, TaraDelFuego.
I'm Jim.
"Never" is a strong word. Exercising honesty is like exercising a muscle. At first, it's hard, heavy, and adjoining parts of you will be sore. If you teach your body and mind how to do it and remain consistent, though, it does get easier. It's one of those things about life that feels very unnatural to us because of the soreness we feel and the effort involved, but the benefits make us much stronger and healthier. Also, as time moves along, sometimes we find that we've outgrown our workout partner(s). By all means, they deserve a chance to catch up and maintain our pace, as do we, their's. If they don't or can't for whatever reason, then we have a tough decision to make. I hope this rambling simile is remotely helpful.
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Old 04-27-2013, 06:54 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I have a question: If your boyfriend has been gone and out of sight for 2/3 of your relationship, never writes or calls while gone, and is usually drunk if he does deign to be in contact, then what do you get out of it and what are you afraid of?

Seems to me you're afraid of giving up a few crumbs when someone else is presenting you with a smorgasbord. Loving someone is not enough basis for a relationship to be satisfying.

If I were you, I would just flat out tell him in a letter, email, or phone call, that things aren't working for you anymore, that you want more than he can give, and you will be seeking a relationship with someone else. I would say that you hope he can accept it and be on board with you having more than one lover, but if not and he chooses to end it, you wish him well.

And then go and be with the man who thrills you and can at least give you the attention and time you deserve. Yes, poly is about having consent, but independent people shouldn't be asking others for permission to live their lives. If far-away bf balks, that's his choice, but you have yours, too.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 04-27-2013 at 06:57 AM.
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Old 04-29-2013, 04:34 AM
TaraDelFuego TaraDelFuego is offline
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nycindie: besides loving your profile picture, i love how you say the same thing my friends say... I hate thinking about it this way but I was told that it sounds more like I love the idea and stability of a relationship with him. I love him and I would hate to think about it in that light because it makes me sound like i'm using him, but i'm really not... or am I?

I ask for nothing but his attention and consideration. I've been going through some medical issues that could curb any thought of a family with him and I feel as if I am alone. I hate to feel like I'm burdening people with my fears but it is a frightening time for me. I understand the distance is difficult and I can deal with the distance. He's a half a world away but I wish he didn't act like he was a half a world away... I feel as if I haven't given him a chance, yet everyone I seem to talk to say that I've given him more than enough.

I want this to work and yet it seems like an uphill battle.
~~From Tara with Love...~~
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