Having trouble adjusting to husband's new girlfriend

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I've been contemplating a lot lately about how difficult it is for me, an extravert, to be with a bf who is a serious introvert.

I'm at a total loss as to what to do (or not do) and am pretty angry and frustrated about this."
...

What do you do when one of your partners is dating someone you don't like? ...
....

But I don't know how to handle this either.

Just a suggestion:

'Dear Llama, Dear hubs, I know that you want more interactions with me, and you want my happiness to coincide with yours. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit introverted. This does not mean I'm unhappy, it means I need a lot of time to myself. Please quit trying to make me into a version of you, and recognize that I am who am.'

or

'Dear husband, I'm so happy you have a happy OSO relationship. I am not in that relationship, and I need you and her to stop trying to make me be in that relationship. {again with the introvert speech]'

Actually, in another thread I just read, they were talking about boundaries and consequences. Feel free to add some of those.

'Please don't drag me into your relationship. when you do, I will remove myself with a book for an hour.' or whatever.


I was a poly meeting last week, and somebody said the first answer to every question is 'Communication, communication, communication,' and after that you can get into specifics. :D


Also, a perspective for you, from an extravert: I realized that in the absence of actual info from my introvert, I make up stories. Unfortunately, I make up the worst stories possible. (I've realized that's completely mine to work on) But perhaps they are frustrated because they're unsure what's going on with you when you're distant/or just being alone.
 
Thanks, you guys, your words are helpful. Emm, I love that article and have shown it to my husband before. I think there's a lot of other stuff going on here, including me feeling like my life is dictated by other peoples' schedules; it's extremely difficult for me to not only have enough time to myself, but to have hardly any time with my husband and my partner. I get panicky and sad about it all, and I'm sure that I lash out and get disproportionately angry about some things.

Last night, I spent time with my partner (which was negatively influenced by the argument my husband and I had before I left); today, as I left my partner, we got into a difficult discussion and I was late getting home, which meant that my husband was late picking up his girlfriend, and I feel like the fallout from this is going to last for weeks. Sigh. I hate this. It feels like there's always some sort of issue going on that needs to be discussed; I'd just like a bit of a breather from time to time!
 
Thanks, nycindie, that's a good idea. I don't communicate much with the girlfriend, but I could show it to my husband, and he could show it to her.

I wonder just how much communication I should have with her. As I said, she started out wanting to be very buddy-buddy very quickly; I just don't work that way, and it made me uncomfortable. In addition, she has said and done things that made me very uncomfortable (including making a remark in my presence - and my husband's - about giving my husband a blowjob. Seriously?)

When my husband and I were talking the other day, I said something about not liking her much, and he replied, "Well, she doesn't like you either." That felt weird. I feel like all I've tried to do is limit my interactions with her, and all of sudden she dislikes me? I am friendly with the other person she's currently seeing, and have heard that his wife has issues with her as well. I wish I could think of a way to smooth things over, if only because I think it's hard on my husband that we dislike each other. Sigh.
 
I am friendly with the other person she's currently seeing, and have heard that his wife has issues with her as well.
She sounds like a bull in a china shop, unaware of the mess she makes.
I wish I could think of a way to smooth things over, if only because I think it's hard on my husband that we dislike each other. Sigh.
Is he all caught up in NRE over her? (I forget if you mentioned that) If so, it will be hard to get through. But maybe if you talk to the wife of her other lover, you two may be able to come up with ways to support each other while each of you has issues with her, and deal with her sort of as a cohesive team (???), and then you won't be seeming like haranguing your spouses about her. I dunno, just a thought.
 
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What do you do when one of your partners is dating someone you don't like? I don't discount the possibility that we could end up being friendly, but I'm damned if I can see just how that would happen right now. Sigh. My husband is all stressed out by this, and so is my partner (can't blame him, after Girlfriend had that totally inappropriate conversation with him) and so am I. I'm just sick of the whole thing. It's getting to the point where I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it.

I wouldn't ask my husband to break up with her, any more than I would break up with my partner if he asked - we don't work that way. But I don't know how to handle this either.

Since you say that you and your husband aren't the types to make each other break up with other partners, I'd say you have to just not like the person. I guess I wonder why you even have to like the person in the first place? He's the one in a relationship with her, not you. And you're the one in a relationship with your male partner, not your husband. I know that's all easier said than done, but I really do fail to see why there has to be "liking."

Our regular friends sometimes date people who aren't awesome to us. Sometimes we don't like the person. But...usually it's not that big a deal.

I guess i tend to think when a poly person says they "don't like" a husband or wife's mate, that it is coming from jealousy or resentment, even if just a little. I don't want to presume, but you know, it's only natural. The truth is, most men and women in general don't fall into any extreme likable or dislikable category. Most people fall into at least a general "he's alright" category.

To put it in perspective, when I first started dating a guy who was in a polyamorous relationship, I knew his girlfriend already. In fact, I"d known her for two years already (distantly). I never had anything much for or against her except for (just a little) thinking she was kind of a snob. But when I started dating her boyfriend, I have to say...the 'not liking' came out a bit more than it ever had before. Just a little. She and I had so little interaction. I wouldn't say she did anything wrong at all. But I liked her less when we were dating the same guy.

I dunno....I guess I'm just saying that I see SO much "I don't like her" on this board coming from women about their husbands' partners. And there's always some qualification like "And it's not jealousy, it's that...she makes me uneasy."

Or...just something.

I tend to think there'd be absolutely nothing (or very little, anyway) wrong with these women if they weren't dating your husband. If she's "dramatic," it's because you guys are in a dramatic situation that pits your ego and needs against hers. It's not because her personality is just naturally dramatic. Not necessarily. I mean, she probably thinks *you're* dramatic because you guys are experiencing drama with each other.
 
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I tend to think there'd be absolutely nothing (or very little, anyway) wrong with these women if they weren't dating your husband. If she's "dramatic," it's because you guys are in a dramatic situation that pits your ego and needs against hers. It's not because her personality is just naturally dramatic.

I don't know...There are lots of women (and a few men) that seem very "dramatic" to me - their lives just seem to go from one crisis to another (not just romantically). Dude's ex-girlfriend (CrazyGirl) is like this. Several times a week she would call with some "damsel in distress" call - someone was in the hospital, someone was arrested, she lost her lisence, she locked herself out of her house, she went on a date and almost got date-raped (6 times in a 3 month period), she lost her friends at a concert and can't get home, etc. etc. Maybe she just has bad luck but it seems to me that some people don't seem to consider the consequences of their actions, fail to consider back-up strategies, and overall frenetically race through life with little regard for Murphy's Law (and their own safety).

Don't get me wrong – it's nice to know that you can call on your partner(s)/ friends(s) in need. Just last week MrS got to play “knight-in-shining armor” when the exhaust on my car decided to half fall off half-way to work. He brought me the other car (and the carjack and bailing wire to hold up the exhaust so he could drive it home) gave me a kiss and sent me on my way. Now what if MrS (or Dude) had not answered the phone, or answered the phone and were busy with something else important? STILL not a crisis. Plan B – call one of the girls at work to come get me, go to work and call a tow truck, make arrangements to rent or borrow a car, go on with my day. No crisis.

Jane(”No-Drama”)Q

In this day and age - if you have a cell phone and a credit card there are very few true crises, most things are just inconvenient.
If you don't need 9-1-1 then it's not really an emergency.
 
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JaneQSmythe,

That's all true, there are some people who have a lot of crises in life. But it doesn't really sound like that's the case with the OP's situation. It's more like "I just. don't. like. her."

It's more like they just don't like each other.

I see so much of that on this board. I think women just don't like each other when they're dating the same guy.

Honestly, very few people seem happy with their poly situations. I think most people on this board would love it if they were poly but their partner was only with them. It's kinda crazy! I mean, understandable. But it definitely says something...

The women all hate their husbands' girlfriends. She's dramatic. She's trouble. She's sneaky. She's bossy. She's controlling. She's always something. She's never just the woman your husband is dating who's allowed to be human and have needs and call him and take up his time. It always crosses someone's boundaries.

I'm not saying I wouldn't feel or be the same way if I were poly. Just saying....this is what poly is, and it's freaking sad.
 
I think most people on this board would love it if they were poly but their partner was only with them.
If you look at those with a post count under 20, perhaps. That's where you'll find the ones who came here because they've encountered something new and threatening and who haven't had time to work themselves out yet.

If you think it's all "freaking sad" perhaps you should stop projecting.
 
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If you think it's all "freaking sad" perhaps you should stop projecting.

I've gotta agree here....

Bear in mind, mercury, that posts you find on a forum commonly used for seeking help or advice are often.... seeking help or advice.

If, as someone with new or limited experience in fixing cars, you peruse a forum full of experienced automotive technicians, it's likely that you're seeking to find an answer regarding why your car is broken and advice in how to fix it. If, as someone new in practicing polyamory, you peruse forum full of experienced polyamory practicioners, it probably isn't because you have absolutely no problems to work out in your relationships.

The people NOT having trouble with their relationships, but still reading forums (or practicing polyamory and NOT reading forums) aren't going to be posting things stating "We're all getting along! Oh no, what should we do?!"

Y'know?
 
And, just a thought, but I don't really think it's "freaking sad" to see people posting asking for help resolving an issue - even (or especially) if it's THEIR OWN issue with acceptance of someone in a partner's life.

Also, just to be especially clear, I don't mean to be picking on you, mercury. Honestly. I just think you might not have considered the ways it might NOT be "sad" to see so many people seeking help with something. Maybe it's just plain good for them to BE seeking help, instead of floundering, right?
 
Honestly, very few people seem happy with their poly situations. I think most people on this board would love it if they were poly but their partner was only with them.
Well, please count me
as another who is quite happy with their poly situation. I would actually love it if my partners had more than me, but one doesn't want to, and the other hasn't been able to find anyone that clicks with her yet.

I know several other friends who are also quite content with their poly situations.

I mean, could things be better? Usually, yes, but that's the same for everyone, mono and poly alike. That doesn't mean that I am not content.

I'm not saying I wouldn't feel or be the same way if I were poly. Just saying....this is what poly is, and it's freaking sad.
This may be what you have experienced, but it's not the reality for a lot of folks.

People tend to come to forums when they have problems, looking for advice, help, or just a shoulder to try on. There are a large number of poly folk out there who never post on a forum - they are out there just getting on with it.

I think that drawing any conclusions based on forum posts is inaccurate at best.
 
I see what you are all saying, and I understand your point. But the thing is, I don't think poly people who don't post on message boards seeking advice and help are "happy," either.

I post on a general relationships and dating board full of mono people, too, and the people there say the same things, "We're messed up here, but people not on message boards are doing just fine."

That's not true. Even people who don't ever post on message boards have extreme relationship problems. They just happen not to be the personality types that go on message boards. I was in a relationship for five years that had all kinds of problems, and I never came to a message board for advice.

Hence, no, poly people not here are not doing "just fine." Poly and mono relationships have major problems. I mean, pretty much EVERY interaction I have with poly (not just here) has some crazy jealousy issue. My recent guy pen pal was a polyamorous guy who said everything was hunky dory but then he let it spill that one woman was upset because she saw vacation photos of him and his other woman. (That's an oft-heard thing: "She saw the Facebook photos and got jealous!"

Mono relationships have troubles and issues, too; I'm not saying they don't. When a mono girl talks about her mother-in-law: "I don't like her" "She's bossy" "She's controlling"...etc., it sounds just as bad as poly women going on and on about how her husband's partner is "controlling" "a drama queen."

Mono relationship problems like "I wish he would call me more" or "He hasn't been paying enough attention to me" or "He's not sure if he wants to commit" don't strike me as being AS petty because those types aren't two women being catty to each other. They're still kinda unpleasant to hear about and for the people to experience, but I'm not disgusted because it's not female cattiness.

In short, don't think of yourselves as troubled poly couples while the non-message-board poly couples are doing just fine. They're not better at being poly than you are. They have the same issues. Just as non-message-board mono couples have the same issues as message-board mono people. It's not an insult; it's just the truth.
 
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And, just a thought, but I don't really think it's "freaking sad" to see people posting asking for help resolving an issue - even (or especially) if it's THEIR OWN issue with acceptance of someone in a partner's life.

Also, just to be especially clear, I don't mean to be picking on you, mercury. Honestly. I just think you might not have considered the ways it might NOT be "sad" to see so many people seeking help with something. Maybe it's just plain good for them to BE seeking help, instead of floundering, right?

I agree it's not wrong for people to post about their poly relationship struggles and difficulties. People do need to reach out for help when they need it. What I'm saying is that the content of the posts saddens\ me. I wish women could just like each other more. When you stop to think about how bad it is to fight over a man, even subtly, it's just...wrong. Women are supposed to be in solidarity. We are united by gender, and I don't like all the "I don't like her" and "She's trouble."

She's your sister in this patriarchal world.

So you see, it's not the "help seeking" that bothers me. It's the letting a man make you see some other woman as an enemy when she's not.

I would hate to be in a poly situation in which the other woman and I clearly didn't like each other and every time one of us was with the guy alone, we were saying things like "I don't like her (the other woman)" to the guy. At the very least, I'd want a situation where we're kinda neutral to each other. Best case scenario, friends or friendly.

But I implore you all, even if he is your husband of 15-25 years, stop hating on other women. I don't think she's as bad as you're making her out to be. She's just a woman who has relationship needs like any other woman.

Don't let yourselves fight over men...

Try looking at things differently occasionally. Instead of "my husband." Think...your fellow woman.

And thank you for saying that you're not picking on me. I know what I said was a little inflammatory. But....it's true. I actually was being a bit that way myself recently. But I gave myself a check recently and said...no. I'm not going to make some woman the enemy because of a man.
 
I never said that EVERYONE who doesn't post is just hunky-dory - just saying that those who DO post tend to be the ones with troubles, and to extrapolate that to a statement about the whole population is fallacious, since posters tend to not be a representative cross-section of the poly population.

You may well have had some person experiences that back up your hypothesis, I am just giving you that from my experience there are quite a lot of poly folk out there who are making it work very well for them. Trying to broaden your sample size a little :)
 
I see what you are all saying, and I understand your point. But the thing is, I don't think poly people who don't post on message boards seeking advice and help are "happy," either.

I am not posting on a polyamory message board seeking advice. Uhh, I never HAVE sought polyamory advice on message boards, actually (but am delighted to lurk and learn from others' experiences, and have an opportunity to grow from the advice they receive, even as they do!). Are you submitting that I am also not happy? Because your statements read as though you honestly believe that ALL polyamorous folk (women specifically?) are not happy. If that's the case, then I guess we're looking at a glass-half-empty/glass-half-full sort of thing, and just won't agree - which is okay too, I guess.

I post on a general relationships and dating board full of mono people, too, and the people there say the same things, "We're messed up here, but people not on message boards are doing just fine."

That's not true. Even people who don't ever post on message boards have extreme relationship problems. They just happen not to be the personality types that go on message boards. I was in a relationship for five years that had all kinds of problems, and I never came to a message board for advice.

See, this all really does read to me as "You/We are ALL screwed in our relationships, no matter what, period, the end", and, maybe my glass is just half full, but I can't (won't?) believe that as truth.

Hence, no, poly people not here are not doing "just fine." Poly and mono relationships have major problems. I mean, pretty much EVERY interaction I have with poly (not just here) has some crazy jealousy issue. My recent guy pen pal was a polyamorous guy who said everything was hunky dory but then he let it spill that one woman was upset because she saw vacation photos of him and his other woman. (That's an oft-heard thing: "She saw the Facebook photos and got jealous!"

I.... have sincerely ENJOYED seeing my boyfriend's vacation photos on his Facebook. While he and his wife were gone, the wife's boyfriend and I did some home repair work on their house. The wife got home a few days before her husband (yeah, still that selfsame boyfriend of mine), and we were EXCITED to share photos. I loved hearing about the awesome time they had. And then she invited me out to dinner with her and her boyfriend as a thank-you for working on their house. We had a lovely time.

I'll grant that I'm not dating her, nor interested in dating her, nor would I date her - she's not my "type" and I have no interest in her beyond a fond friendship. I'll even grant that she has attributes and such that REALLY rub me the wrong way at times. But.... pretty much everyone in the world REALLY rubs me the wrong way at times. As a person, she is not someone I would date. And.... so the hell what? We aren't dating. Big deal. Doesn't mean I'm jealous of the relationship she has with my boyfriend. Why should it? I LIKE her. We ENJOY each other. I think if you asked her, she'd say all the same things about me.

And I don't think we're the exception to the rule. I really sincerely believe that.

Mono relationships have troubles and issues, too; I'm not saying they don't. When a mono girl talks about her mother-in-law: "I don't like her" "She's bossy" "She's controlling"...etc., it sounds just as bad as poly women going on and on about how her husband's partner is "controlling" "a drama queen."

Mono relationship problems like "I wish he would call me more" or "He hasn't been paying enough attention to me" or "He's not sure if he wants to commit" don't strike me as being AS petty because those types aren't two women being catty to each other. They're still kinda unpleasant to hear about and for the people to experience, but I'm not disgusted because it's not female cattiness.

In short, don't think of yourselves as troubled poly couples while the non-message-board poly couples are doing just fine. They're not better at being poly than you are. They have the same issues. Just as non-message-board mono couples have the same issues as message-board mono people. It's not an insult; it's just the truth.

Setting aside the comment about "couples" (polyamory is NOT always about couples, hierarchies, and the like, but that's another discussion entirely), I have to admit.... I don't think of us as "troubled". I think there are plenty of polyamorous people, on message boards and off, that sincerely do not think of themselves as "troubled" in the manner you describe. The people posting about problems are having problems, sure. There are other people who have problems too, sure. But not everybody NOT posting about problems is actually HAVING problems.

And, again, I'm seriously not picking on you, mercury, I promise. I just.... You sound so very jaded, and I'd like for you to see that the glass isn't always half empty :) I honestly do not believe that happy relationships are the exception to the rule in polyamory. Or monogamy. Or anythingelseamy.
 
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Have a lot of work to do and can't reply right now, but I probably will later...or tomorrow. But just want to say something about the jaded thing. Maybe it's from reading the troubles on here. People just don't seem happy. I wish they would like each other more, that's all. I wish a woman would actually like her husband's partner. (And that that partner would like her boyfriend's WIFE). You never hear that on here. I have not once read "she's really cool, he picked well." At BEST, it's been "Well, I have my issues with her, but so far there haven't been any major difficulties." It's like this begrudging acceptance. It's never nice. It's mildly troubled, AT BEST.

And no, I don't think we're all screwed up in relationships. Well, I think we are, but that it can be worked on. But I think mono and poly relationships are different, and that i see much more female cattiness in the poly ones (which only makes sense because there is much more prevalence of women pitted against each other). The mono ones have a different kind of trouble. Jealousy is an issue a lot less, but mono ones have other kinds of problems that poly ones don't have. But the NATURE of those different problems isn't as catty.
 
I never said that EVERYONE who doesn't post is just hunky-dory - just saying that those who DO post tend to be the ones with troubles, and to extrapolate that to a statement about the whole population is fallacious, since posters tend to not be a representative cross-section of the poly population.

You may well have had some person experiences that back up your hypothesis, I am just giving you that from my experience there are quite a lot of poly folk out there who are making it work very well for them. Trying to broaden your sample size a little :)

The thing is, your sample size isn't any bigger than mine. Or however much bigger your sample size is than mine, it's still not big enough for YOUR assessment of poly to be any more valid.

I mean, we can go back and forth all day with "Well, the couples I see are fine" (you) and "the couples I see have so many jealousy issues' (me). I'm not going to place more stock in your assessment than I am in my own just because you tell me to.

I do notice a lot of defensiveness here. A lot of people talk freely about how much of a hassle poly is and how it's a real challenge, but as soon as someone says "Yeah, it does seem like a lot of issues," people then quickly revert to "But it's fine! I'm really quite content and it really works out well..." It's almost like you think I"m insulting you when I say it seems a hassle and has a lot of issues. I'm not insulting you. I'm just saying poly is this way. It is a hassle, it's very jealousy-filled. It's not for nothing that it has the image that it does. I'm not saying the "ends" aren't worth the struggle for some people. But the ends are just that -- the ends. The means, the journey, the struggles...go on and on...and it's constant "I don't like her" stuff.

This is what I"ve observed about poly couples: 1) they're either just starting out and neither partner has even met anyone yet; they haven't even been put to the test yet at all, or 2) couples who have been at it for a long time, but there are lots of issues.
 
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Setting aside the comment about "couples" (polyamory is NOT always about couples, hierarchies, and the like, but that's another discussion entirely), I have to admit.... I don't think of us as "troubled". I think there are plenty of polyamorous people, on message boards and off, that sincerely do not think of themselves as "troubled" in the manner you describe. The people posting about problems are having problems, sure. There are other people who have problems too, sure. But not everybody NOT posting about problems is actually HAVING problems.

And, again, I'm seriously not picking on you, mercury, I promise. I just.... You sound so very jaded, and I'd like for you to see that the glass isn't always half empty :) I honestly do not believe that happy relationships are the exception to the rule in polyamory. Or monogamy. Or anythingelseamy.

Oh, I think it's easier to be happy in monogamy. I definitely think there are plenty of happy mono couples. I said they have their problems, but I think it's an easier relationship structure. They don't always last forever, but I think most people are more at peace in monogamy for a longer period of time than one is in polyamory.
 
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