Coping with the lows caused by N.R.E.

LoveBunny

Active member
N.R.E is not always puppies and rainbows, especially for those of us who tend to love "too much." The come down from those love chemicals can make one feel insecure, over-sensitive to imagined slights from our lover, distracted at work, etc..

Right now, N.R.E. for my boyfriend of 5+ months is kicking my ass. I don't currently have any other partners to contend with, but when he and I get in an argument, I lose my appetite until I hear from him again, I start checking my phone every two seconds if I haven't heard from him in a day, shit like that. What's worse is I think he already went through his N.R.E for me (he fell hard for me a year ago, before we were officially dating,) and I only recently became truly emotionally invested, so I feel like there's been a massive shift from where I was calm and cool while he pursued, he is now confident, and I am pursuing.

I'm seeking some tips and tricks for getting a grip when my body is screaming at me that I just need to get under him and nothing else matters. I try to make sure I schedule time with my friends, stay active on dating sites, get my work done, etc., but I feel half-insane. Does anyone else find N.R.E. overwhelming? How do you get through it?
 
My experience has been that NRE can start out great, then turn into a stress machine. Unfortunately I don't have any special tricks for dealing with it, other than riding it out. Perhaps it helps just knowing what's causing the stress?
 
I read that the happy brain chemicals that are released in NRE do interfere with other brain chemicals like serotonin. For me, that, combined with losing sleep to get more time together, resulted in months of depression and my first panic attack ever. That led me to get on zoloft which mitigated the worst of the lows pretty quickly. If your brain gets too little or too much of important chemicals sloshing around it can be disabling. That is nothing to be set aside waiting to "get over it".

Leetah
 
The come down from those love chemicals can make one feel insecure, over-sensitive to imagined slights from our lover, distracted at work, etc..

Insecurity, insecurity, insecurity - I know it well. Blame it on chemicals, NRE, behavior, time, whatever you choose, but insecurity is insecurity. The NRE stage only shines a spotlight on the insecurity that is within you, it doesn't create insecurity and the only thing that truly changes this is a focus on building security within yourself. Looking to him to assuage your insecurity (checking texts for affirmation of his interest, etc.) only kicks the can down the road until the next time his attention drifts (as it must) to something other than you or if he says something that you perceive to be a slight. Building your own bedrock of security is the only way to make this better and you'll see every other aspect of your life benefit as well.

Inner-security building practices are an essential part of my daily life and without these practices, I'd be experiencing what you describe (and believe me, I have experienced that plenty.) Coming from a place of inner security, you're free to enjoy romantic relationships rather than stress and ride the (NRE or otherwise) roller coaster. This page helps me in a nuts and bolts, specific thought kind of way. This passage especially helps me and I re-read it about once a week, as I remind myself that insecurity is often a need to control what simply cannot be tamed.

"Having to know whether your partner really loves you, having to know this or having to know that puts a lot of unnecessary strain and tension into the relationship. The fact is, we all have to live with uncertainty. Insecure people can still feel insecure even when they are told they are loved. Wanting what is not possible (complete and utter certainty in all and everything forever) is not possible because imagination can still make up doubts. So stop looking for certainty where it doesn't apply. Self-assurance comes from starting to relax with uncertainty. Wanting to know for certain that someone will be with you forever prevents you enjoying the here and now. Nothing in life is certain."
 
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This page helps me in a nuts and bolts, specific thought kind of way.

Thanks, that's good stuff.

On thing I'm trying--just telling him what's going on! "Hey, my feelings for you have grown lately, and I'm feeling vulnerable towards you, and nervous because of past experiences. A little extra sensitivity is appreciated, and I will try very hard not to be obnoxious as I adjust to these new emotions."
 
Thanks, that's good stuff.

On thing I'm trying--just telling him what's going on! "Hey, my feelings for you have grown lately, and I'm feeling vulnerable towards you, and nervous because of past experiences. A little extra sensitivity is appreciated, and I will try very hard not to be obnoxious as I adjust to these new emotions."


If it's any consolation. I struggle a LOT with what you originally posted. Doesn't your heart just flutter when you hear his specific text tone? It's awesome and....scary at the same time. How ONE text can just make an entire day or break it. Yeesh.

@FallenAngelina
Dude I'm printing that post out and putting it on my door. That was just...gold. Thanks.

I wish I had words of wisdom here. All I can offer is that you're not insane, and definitely not alone. I feel your pain/frustration.
 
@FallenAngelina
Dude I'm printing that post out and putting it on my door. That was just...gold. Thanks.

Yeah, a lot of those relationship coaches are cheese upon the obvious, but that one page has some golden nuggets that really help steer thoughts into a more self-sustaining orientation. Glad to pass this along because it crystalized and turned a lot of insecure thoughts around for me.
 
Hi LoveBunny, I an relate to a lot of what you wrote in your first post.

For me, this is what works:
If I start feeling really insecure about the relationship it is usually accompanied by feelings of worthlessness (2 factors: I'm not good enough anyway, he'll tire of me - and: I'm so stupid for being so insecure, he will soon get enough of being with someone so insecure). One thing that helps is doing something that I know I am really good at, something completely not relationship-related. So I try to help a friend with something, I put more effort into work etc. It not ony distracts, but it helps in building confidence.

If mindfullness - buddhism etc is your thing, google Tara Brach's youtube videos. They are all great, but the ones about anxiety / fear / addiction (because I consider my constant need for affirmation and reassurance an addicton) especially.

This may not be helpful right now, but: time does help. It took me about a year to lose some of my anxiety with my current BF. His spoken affirmations never helped much (only VERY temporarily) but what did help was noticing that he stayed with me month after month, and showed no sign of wanting to leave. Of course he could still want to leave tomorrow or next mnth, but I no longer live in constant dread of that moment.
 
Insecurity... I know it well. For me, it comes from a crappy past, my entire life up until about nine years ago, of being told I wasn't wanted, wasn't worth anything, wasn't good enough, was too much trouble, etc. Even after nine years of *not* hearing those things on a daily basis, and eight years of therapy and of Hubby and others sometimes telling me that I *am* wanted, worth it, good enough, the voices from the past live in my head, and sometimes they're louder than the present. On top of the crap that was drilled into my brain, I have clinical depression and anxiety, which carry with them as symptoms a whole 'nother load of insecurity and "I'm worthless."

When I'm in the initial stages of a new relationship, I'm always braced for the other shoe to drop. My heart jumps when I hear the text tone or ring tone, but if I don't hear from the person, I immediately go to worst case scenario. After my experience with S2, who did say all the good things about me--right up until the end, when even as he was breaking up with me he said I deserved better than what he was doing--it's become even harder to believe anything good will last, or to trust the word of anyone who says the good things.

All that said, though...

I fully recognize that insecurity and fear are *my* problems. I do *not* allow myself to interact with my partner (whichever partner is the focus of the insecurity) when I'm in that state. I know that no matter what I am afraid is happening, it is only my perception, and I know that in cases like that, my perception is nearly always wrong. So I distract myself. I read. If I'm able to focus, I write, though that hasn't been happening in months for other reasons. I surf websites. I post ranty vents in my blog here; that's actually one of my coping strategies, because thinking about how to put things into words helps distract me from the emotions behind those words, and seeing the situation and my thoughts in writing tends to help clarify what's true and what's incorrect perception on my part.

I've been blessed all along with very understanding, caring guys who understand that I'll do my best to handle this kind of thing on my own, but that sometimes I need to reach out and tell them how I'm feeling and ask them to reassure me. They're more than happy to give me that reassurance when I ask, because they know that I only ask when things get so overwhelming I can't handle it on my own. And I've learned to wait to go to them until I've calmed down enough to be clear and rational, and to ask for the specific reassurance I need, like "I'm struggling with being afraid you'll get tired of me, and I know you've said before that you won't, but I need to hear it again."

Woody's been particularly amazing with me on this. I've been more insecure with him than with Hubby or my past boyfriends because he has other partners; Hubby doesn't and Guy and S2 didn't. So on top of my usual "he's going to get tired of me, he's going to get pissed off because of my anxiety, he's going to realize I'm not good enough," I've also had to contend with things like "Highlight's way more confident than I am, so he probably likes her more" or "He's going to realize he's spread too thin, and I'll be the one he cuts out because Highlight and Stella are better for him."

He's told me to always be completely honest with him when I'm feeling that way, even to call him if I need to. He's said he'll keep telling me he loves me, isn't going away, and isn't going to get tired of me until I believe it, even if that takes forever. He's also begun doing some guided imagery suggestion things with me to both kill off the crap from my past and to help me be more confident with him particularly but also in general. He's had some training in this, and I have a vivid imagination, excellent visualization skills, and can put myself in a semi-trance in about five seconds when I choose to, so in the few weeks since he started doing this with me there's been a huge difference already. So now when I start feeling insecure, instead of struggling to fight it off, I do the visualization he gave me, and it really helps.
 
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Nice to hear I'm not the only person who struggles with feeling insecure at the start of a new relationship.

My honest conversation with Hal regarding my N.R.E. was only partially helpful. He's a lifelong bachelor, and just BAD at emotional support. But he did agree to a certain amount of quality time with me weekly. So that helped to take the edge off.

Another issue with N.R.E.--LUST!!! If I'm not actively engaged with work or reading, or out with friends, my fantasies/memories go there. Anything only half-engaging, such as watching t.v. or doing housework, quickly disintegrates leaving me flushed and flustered. If I was a man, I'd have a boner all the time.

Part of me wants the N.R.E. stage to end so I can concentrate on other areas of my life---and part of me wants it never to end.
 
LUST!!! If I'm not actively engaged with work or reading, or out with friends, my fantasies/memories go there. Anything only half-engaging, such as watching t.v. or doing housework, quickly disintegrates leaving me flushed and flustered. If I was a man, I'd have a boner all the time.

Part of me wants the N.R.E. stage to end so I can concentrate on other areas of my life---and part of me wants it never to end.

Welcome to my world! But it's not just NRE, I've got a high sex drive in general. Ever since peri menopause started and my female hormone started receding, my testosterone really came to the fore. It's one reason I ID as gender queer, I feel more like a teen boy than a middle aged woman. It started at age 42 and hasn't let up for 18 years. Another reason I don't date within my peer group much... they just can't keep up.

One time at a trans-health conference, a transwoman shared that since starting androgen blockers and estrogen, she still has a high sex drive, but not like when she had all the testosterone. She said, "At least I can get some things done now." I have spoken to some men who were entirely sex focused well into their 30s, and have not abated much in their 40s...

It's a blessing and a curse, this sex thing. When you get to have it, people like us enjoy it so much more than the average person. When you don't get it though, it's awful! People with lower sex drives (like my gf) don't understand. It's really a NEED. I'd skip a meal, or two, if it meant I'd get hot sex instead. In fact, I skip oxygen for longer than I should when I am focused on giving a good deep throat bj. I don't need shelter for sex, I am happy to have it out in the wild. I do need water tho, because... I am a squirter. lol
 
It's a blessing and a curse, this sex thing. When you get to have it, people like us enjoy it so much more than the average person. When you don't get it though, it's awful! People with lower sex drives (like my gf) don't understand. It's really a NEED. I'd skip a meal, or two, if it meant I'd get hot sex instead.

Yes, I agree, with me it often feels like a NEED, though I understand, technically, I won't die without sex. Kind of feels like it sometimes, though. I've always had a high libido, but since I hit my forties, holy crap. I often wonder if I wasn't always extending so much energy to get good booty what great things I might accomplish in my life. And when I'm not being made love to frequently, the frustration is overwhelming. Masturbation doesn't cut it (though I do plenty of that too.)

Every time I read stuff on sex addiction, I totally understand why someone might put their life in danger to fuck strangers or neglect their kids for sex, though I, luckily, don't have to do any of that. I have, in fact, purposefully set up my life so that I can have lots of sex--no kids, a job that's fairly undemanding, and a healthy, fit body. The trouble is finding partners able and willing to keep up with me!
 
I guess I'm weird... I have a high sex drive when sex is available. When I'm with Woody, I spend a lot of time thinking about "okay, when can we stop watching this goddamn movie and go upstairs and get naked". But when I'm not with him, I don't really think much about sex. When I'm at home, or anywhere else, sex isn't readily available, so I don't see the point in dwelling on it. I just divert my brain to other things. (And no, sex isn't readily available when Hubby's around, because his sex drive is much lower than mine, his schedule and mine don't mesh, and we've had so many arguments and conflicts about sex in the eight and a half years we've been together that half the time I honestly prefer not having it with him.)

I think probably I'm able to do that easily because of the 4+ decades of being taught and internalizing that sex isn't an acceptable thing... I made myself not think about it, want it, or enjoy it for a very long time so I could prove to people that they were wrong about me being a slut or a whore or someone who deserved to be sexually abused. I don't have to consciously shut off my sex drive or sexual desire; "off" is the default setting. It turns on more automatically now than it used to, since I've had some positive sexual experiences, but sometimes I still have to remind myself "Oh, yeah, sex is a thing I can want, and hey, here's an opportunity."

So for me, NRE doesn't extend to wanting more sex...sometimes, it's actually made me want *less* sex because the negatives from my past have resulted in deep-seated fear that if I want sex and enjoy it, my partner will think I'm a horrible person, therefore I can't want or enjoy it once something becomes a relationship, because I would be risking losing the relationship by being a horrible person, and I want that relationship to continue.

I know it's irrational, believe me... Intellectual knowledge and emotional understanding don't always coexist.
 
Yes, I agree, with me it often feels like a NEED, though I understand, technically, I won't die without sex.

I think I would! I think I'd get so frustrated and depressed I'd really lose will to live. I basically live for sex. That is when I am happiest.

Kind of feels like it sometimes, though. I've always had a high libido, but since I hit my forties, holy crap. I often wonder if I wasn't always extending so much energy to get good booty what great things I might accomplish in my life. And when I'm not being made love to frequently, the frustration is overwhelming. Masturbation doesn't cut it (though I do plenty of that too.)

When I was younger, masturbation was just as good, if not even sometimes better, than partnered sex. But then, I was mono and my ex h and I had such issues that I wasn't all that attracted to him much of the time. So, I found myself better served by fantasies and self care.

Every time I read stuff on sex addiction, I totally understand why someone might put their life in danger to fuck strangers or neglect their kids for sex, though I, luckily, don't have to do any of that. I have, in fact, purposefully set up my life so that I can have lots of sex--no kids, a job that's fairly undemanding, and a healthy, fit body. The trouble is finding partners able and willing to keep up with me!


Yeah, at this point I find myself almost satisfied with the amount of sexual touch I get, since I have, most of the time, a romantic cute gf and a lusty male partner. Could use a third partner. Working on that! Got stood up today for a first date with a young man who showed so much promise, argh!

I do not feel I am a sex addict though, since I can't do meaningless booty calls, I don't resort to porn on a daily or even weekly basis, and I can actually go days without release if I have to. I've never paid for sex, and I don't skip out on responsibilities to have sex instead. But I sure am a much happier camper when I am getting plenty of sex.
 
N.R.E. is also giving me a persistent case of "one-itis." It's not that I don't WANT to date other people, but I have no one on my radar. Hal has another semi-regular partner, and I'm envious. I wish I had someone to make love to when he isn't available, but he's the only one who does it for me right now.

He told me if I wanted to be monogamous with him, he'd stop seeing other women, and I actually considered it. But then, what about when this N.R.E. wears off, and one of us meets someone we really want to get with....I don't ever want to have to blow up my life again over my sexuality, plus Hal is a lifelong bachelor, and has never even been in what I consider a long-term relationship. I'm not convinced he can do long-term monogamy any more than I can. The fact that I'd even think about monogamy with this man after years of fighting to be free of it tells you how crazy I am right now.
 
That's a lot of crazy, to be thinking about giving up poly ... :eek:
 
That's a lot of crazy, to be thinking about giving up poly ... :eek:

Don't worry, I told him no as soon as he asked. Frankly, I was VERY surprised he asked. I sort of wonder if he only did it because he was fairly certain I'd say no.
 
N.R.E. is also giving me a persistent case of "one-itis." It's not that I don't WANT to date other people, but I have no one on my radar. Hal has another semi-regular partner, and I'm envious. I wish I had someone to make love to when he isn't available, but he's the only one who does it for me right now...... The fact that I'd even think about monogamy with this man after years of fighting to be free of it tells you how crazy I am right now.

Thinking about monogamy and being open to negotiation with a partner is the opposite of "blowing up your life," so put those worries aside. I consider myself poly, but am crazy mad focused on my new BF right now and he is all I want. That doesn't mean my life and every freedom that I have come to is now null and void, that just means that I am crazy mad focused on my new BF right now. We both are open to negotiation and new people, but right now we're goo goo gaga and the feeling of "just us" feels perfect and special and almost sacred right now. Being poly doesn't mean that you have to feel like fucking multiple partners all of the time. Being poly means that you have the desire and ability to romantically love more than one person at once, not that you have to demonstrate that continuously and without exception. To my way of thinking, poly is just one more optional way of loving that you can embrace, not an achievement or a "lifestyle" that you're either in or out of.
 
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Thinking about monogamy and being open to negotiation with a partner is the opposite of "blowing up your life," so put those worries aside. I consider myself poly, but am crazy mad focused on my new BF right now and he is all I want. That doesn't mean my life and every freedom that I have come to is now null and void, that just means that I am crazy mad focused on my new BF right now. We both are open to negotiation and new people, but right now we're goo goo gaga and the feeling of "just us" feels perfect and special and almost sacred right now. Being poly doesn't mean that you have to feel like fucking multiples partners all of the time. Being poly means that you have the desire and ability to romantically love more than one person at once, not that you have to demonstrate that continuously and without exception. To my way of thinking, poly is just one more optional way of loving that you can embrace, not an achievement or a "lifestyle" that you're either in or out of.

Yes, I totally agree. Not that I've actually done that since going poly. I met miss pixi right at the start of my poly adventure, so I was always dating men, and still am... But when Ginger and I were solid, I stopped going to OKC for over a year. And now, with miss pixi and Punk, I feel quite fulfilled. I am less motivated to seek other men. The only reason I am right now is because Punk really wants to make me happy by providing me with a MFM experience. So I am just looking for a more casual lover who might be open to that.
 
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