Confused

Cutiepie

New member
I am "single" woman dating someone already in a marriage for the last year. K is the V. I have been reading these boards for some time now. I am having some difficulties that I have discussed with my partner "K". I dont know how to change it bc i feel my feelings are being brushed off. You see the three of us do everything together. There is never any alone time. I make sure they get their aline time. We dont go anywhere unless the other half is also there. K rarely wants to sleep with me bc K feels bad that the other half will feel jealous or left out. I have been begging K to do something with me those 2 - 3 days a week I see K. now i am seeing a little resentment and anger coming from k towards me for speaking up. im at a loss. I love this person. I want a real date with k. Its suffocating me.
 
Cutie you have every right to ask for alone time.

Are you in a true V relationship like I am. My husband and boyfriend have no relationship other than knowing each other through me. Or are you are in a triad?

There is no way Murf would put up with Butch being around for everything.

Do you all live together?
 
Cutie you have every right to ask for alone time.

Are you in a true V relationship like I am. My husband and boyfriend have no relationship other than knowing each other through me. Or are you are in a triad?
No its not a triad and we do not live together.
 
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Thanks for clarifying your situation.

Unfortunately in my opinion unless K is willing to work on things and set some boundaries with his OSO there is nothing you can do.

I personally hate the whole primary secondary relationship model. To me the secondaryends up feeling like a second class citizen. I live by the rule of never make someone a priority who makes you an option. My relationships are separate but equal. Butch's wants do not come above Murf's.

Since K is not going to work to make things better my advice is to do what is right for you. You deserve happiness.
 
Central Pa by Pottsville. The home of Yeungling beer
 
Can you sit down with K and his wife to work out needs? Is this their first time trying polymer? The wife needs to get a handle on her jealousy and let your relationship be great.

You deserve to be treated with respect and like your needs matter. You're just as important and they need to realize that the two relationships need to be separate. You're dating him. Not her. I'm opposed to hierarchy b/c #2 always ends up being treated wrong.

♡ Bella
 
I have talked and negotiated. Noone is listening. I was already told my needs cannot be met. I dont think this is their first time. I am after all only a secondary.
 
Secondaries have needs and wants. If a relationship wasn't meeting my needs, I wouldn't stay in it. A relationship can't survive like that. Too much togetherness will work on everybody's nerves and create resentment.

♡ Bella
 
I have talked and negotiated. Noone is listening. I was already told my needs cannot be met. I dont think this is their first time. I am after all only a secondary.

You are, after all, a human being with feelings that matter. I really feel like this defeat by default mentality is affecting your self esteem. Everyone deserves to matter in romantic relationships. If you don't matter, run.

Good luck. :)
 
DH and I just had this discussion. The whole 'secondary' thing. It gets frowned on and a lot of times for good reason. DH and I are together and BF and I are together. However, we don't like calling BF secondary. We couldn't figure out how to explain that my emotions are not ranked! So the best distinction we could come up with was this:

My relationship with BF is secondary, BF himself is not secondary.

You are being treated as if YOU are secondary, or even farther down to thirdly or something like that. That is not fair. You can have what many call a 'secondary relationship' and it be all you need or want, same with him. However, no one deserves to be treated as if they as a person or secondary by someone that claims to love them.
 
Frames of Mind.

Sounds like K is trying to protect his wife from discomfort, and I have respect for that; he loves her, has history with her, and wants to make sure she's taken care of. Those are good qualities, and definitely deserve respect, but the conundrum is that you want to move things forward before his wife might be ready for that. No one person needs to suffer while other people are getting what they need/want - it's got to be a balance to stay healthy.

It seems like the communication doesn't need to happen with your partner, but rather your partner's wife. Have you talked to her, and asked her if it's something that she's open to the idea of? Have you shared your feelings with her, and asked her to do the same with you? Are you building trust, respect and a friendship with her on your own?

In my opinion, it can't all be one person's responsibility to move a relationship forward, and it's not the relationship structure that makes moving a relationship forward impossible. It's the communication, respect and consciousness of all of the involved members that creates healthy, happy dyas/vees. You're not just in a relationship with K - he is attached, and part of being a good metamour is having emotional maturity, concern for, and community/communication with his wife.
 
I do feel second class. I dont want to walk away

I don't mean to be harsh, but...are you hoping someone will have the magic bullet?

You have talked to them. It sounds as if they've been pretty clear that what you're getting is what you're going to continue to get. So, despite living in a world with 7 billion books along the lines of How to Talk so People Will Listen and How to Get What You Want in Every Situation, and so on, the truth is, we cannot control other people.

They've told you what they're going to continue doing. Your choice now is to keep feeling hurt and frustrated, figure out how to love being the third wheel who never gets alone time, or walk away. Walking away will hurt in the short run, but you'll be happier in the long run.

Think hard about where you want to be ten years from now. Still living like this?
 
Walking away will hurt in the short run, but you'll be happier in the long run.

Think hard about where you want to be ten years from now. Still living like this?

This^^^^

Cutiepie, you are worth so much more, do not feel you have to enable these entitled couples who want to have everything on their own terms, you have rights also. Move on, yes, it will hurt like the Dickens for a while but you will find other poly partners who will treat you with respect whilst they move on from person to person messing up relationships until they learn to start treating other people with respect and not just toys to play with.

Natja
 
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