Karma and I stayed up all night friday night working through the argument and what not. We couldn't fall asleep afterwards so we decided to just head to fair at open instead of later in the day. Had a great time. Had a TON of people take out picture for various news papers and contests. Karma says he felt like a celebrity.
I just think we both looked damn good and people were compelled to take our pictures.
Karma and I are doing okay. I'm okay with him and g/f going to fair today. I'm also okay with it being their anniversary. No where near as upset or down about it as I thought I would be. I wanted to go to and hang out with Panda, but I want Karma and g/f to have their day without the rumor mill going wild about how he's with her and I'm with Panda and not him. Plus it was 90 degrees at 10am. Way to freaking hot for me to be out there all day.
And I have homework to get done.
Still working on answering him on where my "bad vibes" from her come from. Trying to give him reason to my emotions. Trying to give myself reason to my emotions.
And I think he was right about one thing. While I do hate to socialize. After being with friends Friday and all day yesturday, I am, overall, in a better frame of mind. Maybe by being home and constantly thinking over things, I am dwelling to much. Exhausting my brain and emotions to a point where I reach a dead end because my brain is just done trying to compute it all.
I am a creature of habit. Because of the fibro and my OCD and anxiety, I do not do well with change. And I guess that has it's downside. I get so into my routine of wandering around the house and playing on the computer and whatever that I forget that I apparently do need human contact. I don't feel the need for it, so I forget that I do need it.
I still don't need it the way Karma does. I'm just not a social butterfly. But I guess I do need to start making sure I get more. Do things that do not revolve around cleaning the house, doing homework, watching TV, and solving all this emotional drama. I guess, in a way, I forgot that there was more to my world and my life, than all of this emotional crap. I want so badly to solve it all and live happily ever after, that it is all I think about.
This weekend was a reminder that I need more than that in my life.
So there ya go babe, you were right.
I still don't believe it was because I put Karma on a pedistal, or that I couldn't do anything without him. I just forgot that I wanted to.
Part of Poly that I don't understand, is why the need for more. Karma gives me all I need. Yes the unboyfriend woke feelings up and it is exciting to explore things with him. But I could honestly take it or leave it. I don't
need someone else. I am just as content to have a great friendship with unb/f (guess I got find a nickname for him too as things seem to be moving again) as I would be to explore things further.
Karma found g/f when he and I were having problems. We aren't disconnected anymore so I don't understand what he needs from her. I don't understand what role she fills now.
Now I get that you can love more than one. I love Panda. I call her my wife for a reason. I think part of my apprehension does have to do with how g/f came into my life.
I see a lost child, with wide eyes who is amazed by everything and looking for Karma to take her by the hand and lead her through life. I see someone who only thinks of pleasing others and to me she lacks a backbone because of it. Her needs, wants, desires are secondary to her and I have no concept of how anyone lives that way. To me that screams fear and low self esteem. All I know of her is the mistakes I've seen. For awhile I wondered if she had
anything going on in her head.
So with that impression, I have no way of understanding why he loves her. What does he get from being with her? What about her was worth risking our marriage? Why, now that we are doing better, does he still need her? I don't discount that he loves her, but I don't know why. Their relationship was built around deception.
When asked about her ever shifting personality she openly said she's an actress and sometimes doesn't even know she does it. Well how the hell am to know what's authentic with her and what isn't? Someone like that doesn't sound like someone I want to know or associate with.
Maybe I have a lot of unfair prejudice against her, but I don't know why or how much of it is prejudice and how much of it is true dislike. I don't know how to get past the dislike to give her the second chance ( or third or fourth or whatever we're on now). Last time she was here, just hearing her voice made my skin crawl and I can't pinpoint why.
Oh well, not gonna start down that road today.
So in other news, Karma talked with non b/f yesturday and he now knows Karma is okay with all of it, and he says he's just been really busy and has limited computer access and that is why he hasn't been in constant contact. I think it's been good though. I don't know that I want to be trying to explore that, while dealing with all of this with Karma and g/f.