Which way to turn?

Well, no, I haven't talked to her about our talk yet. I'm waiting until she's home from vacation before I bring that up. Nothing like having an important conversation like that with someone over a faulty cell-phone while they're 8 - 10 hours away, hun :)

As ar as you going to the fair on Sunday - I never said you couldn't go, or that I wanted you to stay home. Yes, I did say that I wanted it to be jsut the two of us, but I guess I meant that I planned on spending as much time with just her and I on Sunday as humanly possible. I didn't want you feeling like a third wheel because she and I wanted to spend some time together. I didn't even know Panda was going on Sunday - it sounds like you two could have a good time, provided the heat and your knee cooperate with you. Panda loves going to the fair with you, at any rate.

The thing that actually bugs me here are your feelings about my phone call with her earlier. I wanted to make sure she was OK given my feelings at the time, and I don't understand why me checking on her, and feeling better after I did so, bothers you. You've never been bothered by me making sure that anyone else we care about is OK.... I don't get it.
 
Well, no, I haven't talked to her about our talk yet. I'm waiting until she's home from vacation before I bring that up. Nothing like having an important conversation like that with someone over a faulty cell-phone while they're 8 - 10 hours away, hun :)

As ar as you going to the fair on Sunday - I never said you couldn't go, or that I wanted you to stay home. Yes, I did say that I wanted it to be jsut the two of us, but I guess I meant that I planned on spending as much time with just her and I on Sunday as humanly possible. I didn't want you feeling like a third wheel because she and I wanted to spend some time together. I didn't even know Panda was going on Sunday - it sounds like you two could have a good time, provided the heat and your knee cooperate with you. Panda loves going to the fair with you, at any rate.

The thing that actually bugs me here are your feelings about my phone call with her earlier. I wanted to make sure she was OK given my feelings at the time, and I don't understand why me checking on her, and feeling better after I did so, bothers you. You've never been bothered by me making sure that anyone else we care about is OK.... I don't get it.

It's all about TIMING and communication (or lack thereof).

When you need a day off work, usually it is required that a vacation request be submitted with a certain amount of lead time and there is always a possibility that it could be denied or altered. Most bosses get really annoyed if you ask last minute, unless it is an emergency. It sort of works the same way with your partner.

Don't make your partner play 20 questions to know what your plans are. This gets really draining for the one asking the questions. It can make your partner feel like you are hiding something, even if the truth is you just forgot to mention it or didn't think it was important enough to mention.

Obviously, I don't know the specifics of the conversation but it sounds like Mohegan was asking questions and Karma was answering, instead of Karma voluntarily offering as many details as possible up front. Remember, what may seem obvious to one party may not be quite so obvious to the other.
 
Which I understand, it just hurts. He didn't even tell me about it, until I brought it up last night. He'd already pretty much made the plans with her and here I am sitting in the dark again.

It just sucks to have these emotions kick up and not know why.

After thinking on RP's comment that I haven't gotten over the hurt and the trust from the affair and readign Marksbabygirl's post about not trusting her spouse. I started thinking, maybe I don't trust Karma to make the right decisions for "us". After all the affair stemmed from him deciding to lie so he "didn't hurt me".

Two weeks ago he was questioning breaking up with her to stop the pain I was feeling. Sounds like he does think about making decisions with our betterment in mind. I just don't know that I fully trust that. Though after our talk last night, that seems to be getting better as well.

And by still being in the dark about things, I feel like it is hard to get all of that trust back. Like, did he talk to her about the talk he and I had about them sleeping together? I have no idea. When was he going to tell me he was taking her to fair on Sunday? When he left?

I understand that... the "why didn't you just mention it instead of me feeling like I had to grill and interrogate you to get some basic information out of you???" feeling.

We're working through that as well.

I hope your day is going better... I hate that 'unsettled' feeling.

(((HUGS)))
 
What I would give to be at a point where this is all okay and all makes sense and every little thing doesn't send me spinning and questioning and back to zero. This constant state of okay, not okay, and not knowing why is getting really fucking old. At this moment I don't know what I want or what I need other than time with my husband. I so wish I had just said "No you can't see her till we are better", but I didn't and now I have to deal with it all at once. Maybe it's because I'm not feeling good, but I'm just irritated and pissy at the whole damn situation. Karma and still doing really well. It's just that everytime I think about things or try to work things out in my head I get all upset and pissed off.

I was trying to figure out why I don't trust him to make good decisions for us and I started to think about what she brings to us as a family. And all I could think was it didn't matter. He fell in love with her, with no plans to tell me or clue me in, so our "family" was never a concern in the first place. So know I have to figure out if I want to include her and make a family or if I would rather it really be two seperate relationships. Which I have issue with, b/c I don't get what it is she does for him. I don't understand the point or need to be in that relationship. I can only see it in the context of , he wasn't getting needs met, fell in love with someone who did that, we got things back on track so those needs should be getting met again, so in my mind she's no longer needed. Enter emotion- he loves her. And my first reaction to that is -so where does that leave me.

It's irritating how I understood all this on an academic level but when actualy dealing with it, I don't get it at all. What does she provide that I don't?

Bah!! Spinning in circles again and getting pissed off because of it.
 
It occurs to me perhaps his wanting to celebrate their one year of being togather could be a source of pain for you. As I recall you found out about his cheating with her. It seems like there is alot of unresolved angry and disappointment about this.

Is it possible that his wanting to spend as much time as possible without you being included at what seems an important event to you combines all that pain?

Perhaps being with Panda that day would be good for you as a source of comfort. Perhaps, he needs to acknowledge how making a deal over something that hurt you badly effects you. I know you have worked through so much. It seems like you need to move slowly. I would also say, her being away this week makes there reunion more dramatic as the poor timing with the date.

Take it slow and take care of yourself. Get the comfort that you need.
 
Karma and I had a long talk last night before bed and I don't feel like we got anywhere. In fact, I woke up just now, feeling like crying and going back to bed. I feel so defeated.

We were discussing my need for space away from g/f and why I haven't healed yet. He asked if I wanted time away from her (well duh hadn't we covered that a week ago?) And I do, but I feel bad b/c that would mean no over nights. I'm not okay with him staying the night there. I knew he would be upset and then he brings up how little time they'll have together if he can't have her around me and since I never leave the house...

And that started a giant ball of shit. He made it into this big thing that revolves around him. That I won't go anywhere without him. Well for the most part he's right. Because I hate socializing. I am not a social person and he knew that long ago. I don't get anything out of sitting at someones house, doing the same things I could be doing in my own home. Every once in awhile, yes it's great, fun even needed to interact with people face to face. But I don't need it nearly as much as he does. So I felt like he was pretty much saying I need to leave the comfort of my own home so he could have alone time with g/f. Fuck That!

I'm also, apparently, happier when I'm working, though he believes it's because I have my own space and my friends, the reality of it, is that it's because the bills get paid and we have money to eat on. Yes I met some great people, and am still in contact with some of them, but working does not create a sense of happiness, paying the bills create accomlishment that creates happiness.

I just don't even care right now. I want to go back to bed, burry my head in the covers and just cry. I am apparently never going to get over any of this, never deal with any of the pain, b/c I can't find the source, so I guess I should just go find a job and a social life and pretend to be happy.
 
You're jumping to conclusions again. And doing a really good job at making me look like an asshole in the process.

My analysis of your lack of a social life has nothing to do with "making you leave your house so I can be with my girlfriend." We went over this last night, although you seem to have forgotten that fact. It has to do with the fact that I think you need more to build your life around than just me and cleaning the apartment, and the fact that I can't recall the last time you left the house to go anywhere or see anyone without me. It seems like you have no connection to anyone other than your family and me, unless it's through me.

You say that's fine, that you base your life on accomplishments. Well, that's fine, I guess. I don't understand how someone can do that, but that's what makes different people different. But let me ask you something, babe: what was the last thing you accomplished?

I'm not trying to make you look or feel worthless here, I'm just pointing out the fact that lately, we've both been a pair of slackers. What have we been accomplishing?

I'm OK with this, for the most part. I don't base my life around accomplishments, though - you do. So where does this leave you?

It leaves you floating, in my mind. Without those accomplishments you value, you're clinging to the other thing you have left - me. And I think a part of you can't acccept that you can't have me all to yourself, because right now you don't seem to have anything else, aside from phone calls to your mom and brother, and facebook messages to Panda - unless, of course, I decide to go over to her house. Then you tag along. Sometimes. If I ask the right way.

And yes, I understand that your health issues make dealing with her stairs problematic. But that doesn't change anything. Whether or not you want my GF over here, you need more to your life than just me. Everyone does. I feel like you've put me on this pedastal that I never asked to be on. And you seem to think that this is all because I want you "out of the way" or something. What the hell? When did you start thinking that you were just an obstacle for me to find a way around?
 
I'm to tired to write anything deep-great night hanging out with friends and getting my dress for renn fair done.

not so great night fighting with Karma.

Ending night by laughing with Karma and going to bed.

We'll never go to bed angry. We might stay up for 24 hrs fighting-we've done it before-but we won't go to bed angry.

This whole mess is just frustrating. I don't know why she sets me on edge, but she does. And he can't accept that, so I must be hiding the reason from him :mad:

I think he got the point that, that's not me, not what I do. I kinda went off. I was PISSED that he was accusing me of hiding shit/lying. I yelled at him like I haven't yelled in a long ass time. Usualy when we fight I yell through tears. This was pure anger.

I think it caught us both off guard.

Still no answers but we're laughing instead of screaming so I'll go with it.
 
Karma and I stayed up all night friday night working through the argument and what not. We couldn't fall asleep afterwards so we decided to just head to fair at open instead of later in the day. Had a great time. Had a TON of people take out picture for various news papers and contests. Karma says he felt like a celebrity. :D I just think we both looked damn good and people were compelled to take our pictures.

Karma and I are doing okay. I'm okay with him and g/f going to fair today. I'm also okay with it being their anniversary. No where near as upset or down about it as I thought I would be. I wanted to go to and hang out with Panda, but I want Karma and g/f to have their day without the rumor mill going wild about how he's with her and I'm with Panda and not him. Plus it was 90 degrees at 10am. Way to freaking hot for me to be out there all day.

And I have homework to get done.

Still working on answering him on where my "bad vibes" from her come from. Trying to give him reason to my emotions. Trying to give myself reason to my emotions.

And I think he was right about one thing. While I do hate to socialize. After being with friends Friday and all day yesturday, I am, overall, in a better frame of mind. Maybe by being home and constantly thinking over things, I am dwelling to much. Exhausting my brain and emotions to a point where I reach a dead end because my brain is just done trying to compute it all.

I am a creature of habit. Because of the fibro and my OCD and anxiety, I do not do well with change. And I guess that has it's downside. I get so into my routine of wandering around the house and playing on the computer and whatever that I forget that I apparently do need human contact. I don't feel the need for it, so I forget that I do need it.

I still don't need it the way Karma does. I'm just not a social butterfly. But I guess I do need to start making sure I get more. Do things that do not revolve around cleaning the house, doing homework, watching TV, and solving all this emotional drama. I guess, in a way, I forgot that there was more to my world and my life, than all of this emotional crap. I want so badly to solve it all and live happily ever after, that it is all I think about.

This weekend was a reminder that I need more than that in my life.

So there ya go babe, you were right.

I still don't believe it was because I put Karma on a pedistal, or that I couldn't do anything without him. I just forgot that I wanted to.

Part of Poly that I don't understand, is why the need for more. Karma gives me all I need. Yes the unboyfriend woke feelings up and it is exciting to explore things with him. But I could honestly take it or leave it. I don't need someone else. I am just as content to have a great friendship with unb/f (guess I got find a nickname for him too as things seem to be moving again) as I would be to explore things further.

Karma found g/f when he and I were having problems. We aren't disconnected anymore so I don't understand what he needs from her. I don't understand what role she fills now.

Now I get that you can love more than one. I love Panda. I call her my wife for a reason. I think part of my apprehension does have to do with how g/f came into my life.

I see a lost child, with wide eyes who is amazed by everything and looking for Karma to take her by the hand and lead her through life. I see someone who only thinks of pleasing others and to me she lacks a backbone because of it. Her needs, wants, desires are secondary to her and I have no concept of how anyone lives that way. To me that screams fear and low self esteem. All I know of her is the mistakes I've seen. For awhile I wondered if she had anything going on in her head.

So with that impression, I have no way of understanding why he loves her. What does he get from being with her? What about her was worth risking our marriage? Why, now that we are doing better, does he still need her? I don't discount that he loves her, but I don't know why. Their relationship was built around deception.

When asked about her ever shifting personality she openly said she's an actress and sometimes doesn't even know she does it. Well how the hell am to know what's authentic with her and what isn't? Someone like that doesn't sound like someone I want to know or associate with.

Maybe I have a lot of unfair prejudice against her, but I don't know why or how much of it is prejudice and how much of it is true dislike. I don't know how to get past the dislike to give her the second chance ( or third or fourth or whatever we're on now). Last time she was here, just hearing her voice made my skin crawl and I can't pinpoint why.

Oh well, not gonna start down that road today.

So in other news, Karma talked with non b/f yesturday and he now knows Karma is okay with all of it, and he says he's just been really busy and has limited computer access and that is why he hasn't been in constant contact. I think it's been good though. I don't know that I want to be trying to explore that, while dealing with all of this with Karma and g/f.
 
Every Fucking Time!

G/f and Karma are currently wasting time sitting in the ER b/c her other b/f got a nasty head shot at Darkon today, then went out to Renn fair. My take-mild concussion and heat exhaustion. IDIOT!!!!!

Happy anniversary to them. I'm really ready to be petty enough to say he not only isn't allowed in my house (which is a current rule) to he isn't allowed in my vehicles either.

He always has to be there and finds a reason to be there. And uses Karma to be there. NO. I have issues with them being together too, but I am not interested in taking away their time together. He's lucky Karma is such a nice guy. I'd have left there. If you're that stupid,you deserve the chance that no one will take pitty on you.

He's done nothing but burn bridges, I doubt anyone would have cared.

I am SO pissed right now. Karma says I can't send him a ansty message, so I'll play nice. But I'm not happy about it.

I know Karma loves g/f and she loves ( or claims to) other b/f, so Karma didn't have a choice but take them to the ER, but I am sick of him being put in those positions. I am sick of my gas money being used on this Jack Ass with no pay back. I am sick of him being in the way of Karma and g/f. I may have my issues with them, but I try really hard to not get in the way of their time. This guy shits out reasons why he needs to ruin their weekends together.

So pissed and no one to yell at!:mad:
 
I know Karma loves g/f and she loves ( or claims to) other b/f, so Karma didn't have a choice but take them to the ER, but I am sick of him being put in those positions. I am sick of my gas money being used on this Jack Ass with no pay back. I am sick of him being in the way of Karma and g/f. I may have my issues with them, but I try really hard to not get in the way of their time. This guy shits out reasons why he needs to ruin their weekends together.

:

Sounds like Karma gained a son rather than a metamour :p
 
Mono, as usual you have made me grin :)

Got to see the little girl that owns my heart tonight at ren fair. I haven't seen her in about a month. She's about a year old, and when Mommy walked up with her, she just about jumped out of mommy's arms to get to me. I absolutely melted. :D

It's kinda silly. My gf was, quite literally, three feet away basically being undressed by another woman (her corset was giving her issues, so it came off and went back on), and I had absolutely no idea that it was happening until her Mommy, my gf, and Panda started laughing at me. The extent of my awareness was the little girl in my arms, stealing my water bottle. :)
 
Horrible day that had nothing to do with poly or our drama.

Had an interview this morning, got said job and an awesome pay rate, went and ordered my new rim and tire so we can leave for ohio this week, came home bribed Karma with breakfast to get him to drive me around and went to get my drug test. Waited an hr to get called back, took 2 more hrs to get one that would read. Cuz the med assistants there are IDIOTS. So I one point I send Karma to go eat. I'm not allowed to eat or drink, (great for a hypoglycemic). I finaly get a good one and am allowed to leave and Karma isn't back yet. They let me use the phone once, but since his phone wont hold a charge it didn't do any good. So they wait with me for all of 3 min before telling me they're leaving and have to lock the door. So I'm outside, alone, in 95 degree heat. Karma has my purse cuz I wasn't allowed to have it in the back. So I don't have my knife, my phone, my water, my cane, my inhalor NOTHING. I have a moment of freak out. Panic attacked so bad I almost passed out. And then reality kicked back in. Karma was most likely lost, that's what happens when Karma goes anywhere new, there are several cars at the building across the street, if I need someting I will go there, and then I realized I couldn't remember any phone numbers, not even my parents who could have looked up Panda's or my in laws. So I start freaking all over again. Karma pulls up after about 15 min and I almost started sobbing in relief. He was pissy the rest of the day, but understandably so. And he didn't put anything through the building window like he threatened so...

By the time we get home I'm nauseus as all hell, so at 9 I go to bed. Woke up at 4 am feeling worse than I started.


I got nothing done I wanted to do today cuz I had to sit there for 3 freaking hrs. So now I've gotta get it all done Tues, cuz we leave for Ohio Thurs and I need wed to prepare for that.

:mad::mad::mad:
 
Another day full of mixed emotions.

I've been up since 4 am. Couldn't go back to sleep. But I've been productive and feel really accomplished. And as we learned earlier, I base my worth off what I accomplish.

I got a 94 on a test, an 89 on another. Got almost all my homework done (need a break from the math). Did some cleaning last night, last load of laundry is in the dryer, made banana bread, went to the school and got that all done (gonna take four weeks to get my loans now cuz they screwed up so much :mad::mad::eek:), waiting on my new tire and rim to get delivered so I can get that done, still need to vaccume and pay bills, but I am ahead of schedule and feeling damn proud of myself after yesturdays breakdown.


Karma will most likely be going to see g/f tonight. The last minute plan stuff still irritates me, but I am trying to be flexible and she was gone all last week and we'll be gone for 5 days starting Thurs. so I know they need some time together. It's just frustrating. I am not a last minute plans kinda person.

Karma was asleep when she called and she called twice, back to back, so I was concerned something was wrong. I never check his voicemails, but did just to make sure all was okay. It was, she just wanted to know if they could hang out tonight. I was okay for a bit, but while putting laundry in I was struck with...I dunno. Anger, jealousy, envy, confusion? I have no idea. More of the "Why do you even need her?"

I had this whole inner dialogue about how I should be like normal wives and tell him to leave her. Or thoughts of " Why can't we have a normal, mundane relationship. Why can't he work and support us and I'll stay home and raise our kids with our white picket fence and happily ever after".

WTF

Sometimes I feel like two different people. The 1950's submissive house wife and the independant, dominant modern woman. I can't figure out how to mesh the two. I want the happy little family, but I want to be happy and him be happy and not be boxed in by societal norms. I want to figure out what I want and then figure out how to include that in my life.

Sometimes I base things off what I should do, not what I want to do. Sometimes I base things off of my lists, pros and cons, pos vs neg.


Until the last two months, I was totaly okay with poly. And now I am questioning all of it.

And how is it I can be okay with wanting to be with someone other than my husband, but not okay with him doing the same?

I want my husband happy. I want me happy. I want us happy together. I gotta figure out how to smoosh it all in.

Well there's my brain dump for the day. Gonna go find something else to accomplish today.
 
I had this whole inner dialogue about how I should be like normal wives and tell him to leave her. Or thoughts of " Why can't we have a normal, mundane relationship. Why can't he work and support us and I'll stay home and raise our kids with our white picket fence and happily ever after".

WTF

Sometimes I feel like two different people. The 1950's submissive house wife and the independant, dominant modern woman. I can't figure out how to mesh the two.

LOL - I go through the same thing.

I don't like surprises and plan changes either. It really throws me for a loop and I get incredibly cranky when my plans get messed up. This is something I'm working on. I sometimes just have to take a step back, breath and take the time to re-formulate how this detour is really going to affect things. If I can make myself do that it helps.

However, there is nothing like having your 15 year old kid say "Mom, relax it's not that big a deal ..." This comming from the kid most like myself and the most upset by plan changes. It's creepy when your kids start repeating back what you say to them.

I had to learn to prepare my son (yes, the one that like to tell me I am over-reacting) to unexpected plan changes. Before we went anywhere, I had to tell him the plans and then proceed to tell him, that things may change mid stream and that is ok and he is not to get upset when that happens. Well, I learned that it works to tell myself the same thing.
 
I'm missing my husband.

He's only been gone a few hrs, but I'm really not feeling good, and my crazy sleep schedule hasn't made for much us time.

I just want some snuggle time, but I can't have that b/c he's with g/f.

This is the part I really don't like. This is the sharing part I have issues with. I don't want to call him home just b/c I'm lonely and not feeling well. But I've never had to share that.

I've never not had hom here when I wanted him here until her.

I don't want to hold that against her, or what they have. But it's frustrating.

I guess maybe I am affraid of losing him. Not permanently. But in these little moments, I don't have him. I should have my husband here to comfort me, but I don't. I lose him in those little moments.
 
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