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  #221  
Old 11-25-2015, 12:30 AM
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It's probably a bad idea to spill one's heart out onto The Internet, but I'll do it a little anyway.

I've been having some difficulty transitioning from friendship with cuddles and kisses to friendship without ... with my new friend.

One of my new but also bestest and wisest of friends read the situation right and said I need to find a way of being with him without desire. Not so easy to do, as he's so gorgeous. But facts is facts. And my longing can do none of us any good.

I actually really do love him, but it's not exactly easy to have that love always be "pure" ... without desire. Not that desire makes love impure! But wrongheaded or wronghearted desire is impure, and so I have to try and get my head and heart right about him -- to let go of him in order to love him in a wholesome way that won't hurt him or me.

Thank goodness for wise, loving friends who can read things clear and say it like it is.
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  #222  
Old 08-01-2018, 01:09 AM
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About a hundred years ago I hung out with this guy who was polyamorous, before I knew much about polyamory. He said he no longer participated in the ritual known as "dating," since "dating," as he understood the term, was basically holding a "type of relationship" agenda in mind while exploring a possible relationship with a person. It wasn't fair to either party, really, he basically said. Maybe the two are going to be platonic friends, or maybe they will be lovers, or something..., something. But why enter into the whole exploration with any sort of half-baked expectation, agenda, preference, etc.... It's a good point, I think. But one has -- apparently -- to live longer than a single human lifetime to really embody the point. Right? I mean, it's something to keep in mind as a kind of ideal. No agenda, no expectation, no hopes..., just getting together and hanging out and letting things be as they will. I like it. It's a sound, reasonable approach.

And that's why I'm not going to say I have a "date" on Thursday. I'm going, rather, to meet up with an interesting and attractive guy I "met" online (since that's how these things are done now, right?). Sigh.

I hope we can at least be platonic friends. I need another such type of friend, as one of my besties recently dropped me without explanation. Sigh.

But he, like I, identify as "bi". So it theoretically could be called a "date" -- but I'm going to just simply meet up with him and hang out. That's all. No big deal.
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  #223  
Old 11-05-2018, 06:50 PM
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Nothing became of the kind of sortof "date" I mentioned in my last post here. In fact, I think (if memory serves) that guy was one of several around that time who were all talk and no follow through. We never actually met up.

But I've been talking with another guy I "met" on the internet. We've been exchanging some very nice emails. He's intelligent (a college student), MUCH younger than I. Indeed, he's about half my age and part of another generation than mine. He's articulate, sensitive, kind, warm... And he wants a Friend With Benefits of the kind I like, if it's going to be FWB. That is, he likes real intimacy and friendship -- the works: talking, getting to know one another, hanging out, ... kissing, physical affection, touch, cuddling, "holding one another"... He wants a real friend, not just a sex partner. But he's not wanting a full-blown capital R Relationship. That's fine! He doesn't seem to be worried about there being real connection and affection.

He lives about fifty miles away from me, in New Mexico's largest city. (I think Albuquerque is the largest -- hmm.) Luckily there's a train connecting us. Choo--Choo!

Oh, he's cute too. Pretty eyes. And he likes older guys and finds me attractive too, though it's only been a photo exchange and some back and forth by email so far.

This could be fun!
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  #224  
Old 11-08-2018, 01:44 AM
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And it was fun. We spent a large chunk of the day in the bosque in Albuquerque today. It was warm and sunny there. Yellow leaves, Canada geese.... Lots of intimate talking and getting to know one another, some cuddling and kissing and more talk and more cuddling. Very nice, indeed. I'm sure there will be more such days in the future.

I'm learning a lot. Fast. On so many topics! It's amazing how mature some folks half my age are! And how delightfully wow some of them are!

Turns out his interest in older guys has more to do with that word, maturity. He's quite mature for a guy of his age -- or of any age. I feel so blessed to have had that time with him!
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  #225  
Old 11-09-2018, 10:51 PM
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And now for a word from our Sponsors....


Filipino stock fishermen wielding frenetic tonic water spatulas ate pepperoni pizza in the
West village. "That's what you get for trying to write like that," she said. "Whadda
ya mean?" I asked. "You're free associating again." "Freud was a big pussy," I said.
"But there you are playing computer chess with zombies in Florida again!" said she.

"Yeah, well, when I become a famous poet I'll just have to let you know," said I.
"Your editor is gonna have your balls for this," she said. "I've been writing this farking
script for decades," said I. "I told you to go into advertising... or Opera" she said.
(She always capitalizes Opera.) said I.

All of your characters are shallow and insipid she said. Not believable for a minute,
said she. All of your flip charts are hyperbolic, i said. All of your dreams are fantastic said
she. You couldn't write your way out of a wet paper bag, she said, You cannot dance yourself
into a decent frenzy i said.

Every book has a spine, she said. Signature binding has a signature, said I. I guess that's
why it's all so delicate, she said. I must agree, said I. This body is so much weight to carry
she said, If you dance like a madman it's easier, said I. But what of punctuation, she asked?
I cannot think that way, I said.
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Last edited by River; 11-09-2018 at 11:04 PM.
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  #226  
Old 11-15-2018, 02:28 PM
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I'll call him ABQ here. That's short for Albuquerque, and that's where he lives, while I live about fifty miles North, in Santa Fe.

Somewhere in this forum I mentioned that he seemed be pushing me away, or to have lost interest, or whatever. But it turns out that's not so. He's just the sort of guy who is slow to respond to text messages -- as in sometimes days slow. He reassured me that this is the case "even with my closest friends". I'm glad. Sort of. LOL. I mean now I have a 50 miles distant friend with extras who's slow to respond to text messages -- sometimes days slow.

Oh well.

He sent me a reassuring text this morning and said he'd like to come spend time with me up here.

Maybe I'll tweak ABQ a little and call him Abe. LOL. And I'll find him a top hat.
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  #227  
Old 11-16-2018, 02:33 PM
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Yesterday ABQ said to me (paraphrasing), "Let's set aside this restrictive definition we've been using for what we're exploring. Let's just see what happens and put no narrowing definition on it." We were defining what we were exploring a FWB situation. Now it's a new, emerging friendship with no holds barred and lots of touch options. Not "dating," (which implies something romantic to me) per se. But not not 'dating', either. He didn't want me to be worried that I may appear to be "romancing" him by mildly complaining 'cause I won't be able to spend any real / private time with him for a month... and by inviting him for lunch sooner than that. (I have to take the train way down there just to have lunch with him. It's kinda a big deal.)

It takes over an hour to arrive in Albuquerque from Santa Fe by train. The next train back is hours later. I have to be prepared to spend much of the day there. I can bring my work with me and do it in coffee shops. No problem.

He was clearly happy that I wanted to meet him for lunch. He's very busy with his university work, so I won't get to see him much until Winter Break, and probably not at all in a private space for any duration. But it feels good that ... that it feels like a solid human connection. Waiting is less sad 'cause I feel genuinely connected with him. It's a weird sentence to utter from my mouth, that last one, 'cause my tendency is to be sad when I can't spend time with someone I feel connected with. But I'm feeling glad, instead, 'cause despite the month of waiting, at least there's a genuine warmth between us.

Our age difference is sort of floating in the back of my mind, as if numbers of years really means something. In this case, it honestly doesn't seem to mean a hell of a lot. This guy feels entirely like an age peer. I KNOW he's much, much younger than me. But when we talk... his shimmering full spectrum intelligence (he's got all of the intelligences online!) is ... well, shimmering. He's knowledgeable, and wise as hell for his years. I'm just a little more wrinkled than he is and I've had a few more trips around the sun. That's about it.

BUT... but, some folks are probably going to think one or both of us have serious "issues" and will almost certainly have a lot of judgements about us if we really are "dating". I don't think I'll enjoy that part of it.
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Last edited by River; 11-16-2018 at 02:45 PM.
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  #228  
Old 11-19-2018, 04:01 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
And now for a word from our Sponsors....


Filipino stock fishermen wielding frenetic tonic water spatulas ate pepperoni pizza in the
West village. "That's what you get for trying to write like that," she said. "Whadda
ya mean?" I asked. "You're free associating again." "Freud was a big pussy," I said.
"But there you are playing computer chess with zombies in Florida again!" said she.

"Yeah, well, when I become a famous poet I'll just have to let you know," said I.
"Your editor is gonna have your balls for this," she said. "I've been writing this farking
script for decades," said I. "I told you to go into advertising... or Opera" she said.
(She always capitalizes Opera.) said I.

All of your characters are shallow and insipid she said. Not believable for a minute,
said she. All of your flip charts are hyperbolic, i said. All of your dreams are fantastic said
she. You couldn't write your way out of a wet paper bag, she said, You cannot dance yourself
into a decent frenzy i said.

Every book has a spine, she said. Signature binding has a signature, said I. I guess that's
why it's all so delicate, she said. I must agree, said I. This body is so much weight to carry
she said, If you dance like a madman it's easier, said I. But what of punctuation, she asked?
I cannot think that way, I said.
"I cannot think that way" pretty much sums up my experience of poetry ...unless you are giving me a Robert Service anthem of a story, then I am lost.
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JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-always-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (27+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (9+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #229  
Old 11-19-2018, 02:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
"I cannot think that way" pretty much sums up my experience of poetry ...unless you are giving me a Robert Service anthem of a story, then I am lost.
That was no poem. What that was was a total disaster. I was goofing off with free association. It was regretful then and having it repeated is regretful now. If I could delete it, I would. But I haven't got such powers.
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  #230  
Old 11-21-2018, 07:08 PM
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I spent a couple of hours (roughly) with ABQ yesterday. It took an hour and a half on the train to get there, then another hour and a half back. And I don't expect I'll be seeing him again until his Winter Break (from university studies). We ate hamburgers and fries for lunch, then went and sat by the duck pond at the university and talked a little ... and allowed our legs to touch as we sat close. I touched his ankle.... This is (apart from hugging goodbye and hello) about as much touching as we could get away with.

In retrospect, it may be a little odd that we didn't find a secret place to steal a kiss.

It was quite cold in the morning (burrrr!) but by the time we'd had lunch the air around the duck pond was warmish and the sun was shining, so it was comfortable outdoors.

While we were having lunch our legs brushed together under the table, which eventually led to me entwining his legs with mine. I really didn't give a shirt if anyone saw this. And he didn't seem to care much either. As I said, we're both tactile sorts. But we're different, too. He'd be fine with spending the early hours of Getting To Know One Another in relatives silence, as far as talking goes. I'm a gabber. I yammer. It's what I do. But not so much with small talk. From his side, if we could just cuddle in silence for a couple of hours, he'd be fine with that. He's also fond of just being together without touching, just sharing space in close proximity. How do I know? He says so! He does talk. I talk. But he'd be just as well not to.

His being so busy with university studies, and our living far-ish apart, makes things challenging. He's more available to connect emotionally, etc., than most guys (and folks) I've met in a long while. At least insofar as mutual attraction is concerned beyond the platonic. But he's apparently not able to come spend time with me for weeks and weeks. And only maybe a lunch hello seems to be available to us otherwise, if he'd even be into that again. So there is a certain echo with the unavailable ones here. Perhaps. Just in terms of how much time we might have together, anyway. It's difficult for me to feel really connected with someone I only see every so many weeks apart (a month or so). Maybe even especially in the early stages of getting to know one another.

I can't go spend time with him at his place, 'cause he has no privacy where he lives.
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