Nope:
You stretch to make it sound very nebulous & distant, when the OP has clearly said they were connected with one intermediary. I will enjoy your rationale.
You're absolutely correct that I misquoted the OP, though I don't think it's a stretch at all to say the significance of that connection is uncertain. I gave the example of dating where I live (a community of 6-8K people year round), nearly any local I could date, already has friends in common with me, my existing local partners and the other people in my life- friends, co-workers, other business relationships, and even my doctor. Nebulous is a great way to explain the multiple overlapping social connections in a small community that create a "friends in common" sphere that's relatively large but also rather dilute in meaning. It definitely changes what people consider a messy person.
In contrast, when I lived and worked in Los Angeles there was almost no overlap in these kind of relationships so a one intermediary relationship would have been more significant in meaning. You can call it friends in common, friends network, circle of friends, or really any of the terms folks use to describe relationships like this but what it means, in my experience anyhow, depends on where you live. Without knowing the context of it, friends in common doesn't necessarily point to poor judgement or exploitation. My initial response, and my follow up, was contesting the idea that the age, vaguely defined social relationship and power differential would lead anyone to impugn the guy's judgment. I'd want more information and the first couple of posts asked for it.
Hi!! Welcome to Polyamory.com!! You must be new around here, or you'd know that's true for like 99.999% of posts.
I appreciate the facetiousness and humor, but that gets to my point. The OP was somewhat vague, enough to not support the conclusion that the husband is exercising poor judgement or exploiting the power differential between him and the younger woman. What she did say was:
He does not see age as an issue, but I do.
We all have things that we see as "issues" however age is something that people have no control over, much like sex at birth, national origin, ethnicity, sexual preference, etc. So replace "age" with a word from one of those categories, say bisexuality, then how does the sentence read? What if the metamour was significantly older and instead having friends in common with the OP's daughter it was her mother that had friends in common? If she said she had an issue with age in that case, would his judgment be equally suspect?
What is it that you find reprehensible about #2?
Never said it was reprehensible, in fact was asking how the advice would differ if the OP said it was the former or the latter. One more time here: my main issue with some of the responses concluding that the guy has poor judgment. If the OP came back to tell us, "I told my husband that this is causing me anxiety because it has unwanted social consequences for both of us, it makes daughter very uncomfortable, and you can continue dating her but if you do, I don't want to continue a romantic relationship with you. He said he still doesn't see the problem..." then yeah, the dude is being a dick. If she came back and said "I just think it's wrong to date someone that much younger" then I don't think she's wrong for feeling that way but it also doesn't mean he's being a dick or using poor judgment. As I said earlier, age is something we don't have control over and as
Also, if you care, the reason I asked is I was also responding to the idea that someone is pulling a "dick move" by dating a metamour that causes their existing partner anxiety. I don't post much but I have been reading these forums and these blogs for years now and in that time, I've seen any number of posters that are struggling with anxiety, hurt, and insecurity because their partner is dating someone at all, messy or not.
So, a non-rhetorical question here, does continuing to date a metamour that brings anxiety to the existing partner necessarily mean someone is of suspect judgment or being deliberately hurtful? The most common advice I read here is for the person posting about this type of anxiety is that it's ok to be scared or icked out by something however we don't necessarily have to agree with who our partners date so maybe examine why they are feeling this way and decide if maybe this is a price of admission that they are willing to pay for being with someone.
Unless the man is a credible saint AND has wide experience with multiple ongoing relationships, then (IME) I would expect that at some point he will be tempted to "fall overboard" & go all self-congratulatory at being SUCH a stud
rolleyes
particularly as his marriage is presently "in a down" & a mature person would be fixing THAT first rather than blithely piling on more obligations.
Well, look at what the OP did say about her husband's experience managing multiple relationships:
He has many other partners, all who I have no issue with whatsoever.
I'm not defending the guy nor do I think he's a candidate for sainthood nor do I even necessarily agree that his dating choices are wise but for his partner to say this even as she's struggling with this particular metamour indicates that he's mostly doing something right as far as she's concerned. She did also say that they've had their ups/downs and that his choice in partner is the source of the current down. I'd agree with you that it's of questionable judgment if they were already having problems and then he added another relationship, but it seemed pretty clear that this relationship is the source stress.
Once again, I thought more information was needed before giving input and the first responses asked for more info but then someone said, paraphrasing here, that given the limited facts presented, nearly anyone would say his judgment is suspect. I disagree with that and laid out a case why.
Maybe this guy is an absolute dick, taking advantage of a younger woman's naivete. Maybe this guy couldn't help falling for someone younger and likewise, she couldn't help falling for him. It's really hard to say and that's why I had an issue questioning his judgment.