Back into poly again after a 5 year mono

Back at Poly, this time as a "Little" and not sure if its for the best

Hi Friends,

I used to use this resource quite often when I was in a few different poly relationships from age 19-22. I am now 28 and spent the past 4ish years in a monogamous relationship. It was pretty damn toxic, I was submissive to a fault and my partner was very dominant-- he also had significant emotional and possibly physical affairs that he wouldn't communicate about (I felt consistently in the dark and powerless but came to believe that only he could love me, and that we were destined to have this passionate damaging thing together). Anyhow at that time, I had also convinced myself that polyamory was just a phase I went through in my teens/twenties. I had seen my ex-couple divorce from polyamory not working for them and it made me really sad, esp because I introduced it to them in the first place. I also wrestled with the idea that this toxic, emotionally abusive, monogamous relationship just like poly but worse (I felt all of the bad feelings and none of the good ones-- everything felt threatening and unstable and dishonest, which is the opposite of a healthy communicative relationship, poly or otherwise).

Anyhow, back in the dating pool and I started seeing a man who identifies as poly (he has a primary partner who also has a boyfriend). He hasn't really been poly in practice so I feel like I have a lot to offer by way of showing him some of the ropes (such as surprising him by explaining that I wanted to meet his partner) I have come to feel compersion for him and his partner, with slight bouts of jealousy here and there. And while I have come to love him, and respect his partner, I feel really insecure and messed up when it comes to him dating new girls. I don't like it one bit. I especially don't like if he is dating other "littles" when I get in "little mode" I find it very hard to swallow polyamory, sharing, regulating my emotions etc. For those of you unfamiliar with the term it is a DDLG (daddy dom little girl) sort of dynamic. Anyhow when the emotions hit, I tell myself that they (whoever he is fancying) is better than me, prettier, more worthy, more important, whatever I can to tell myself that is damaging. I feel entirely triggered as if I have reverted back to being in that awful mono relationship where I felt powerless and kept in the dark. Since that time I have become much more insecure, broken down and damaged than when I used to be poly. Back then, honestly I was more of a college kid having fun, more carefree, hedonistic, frivolous and less serious about things.

Now I am wondering if this is right for me. I know only I can say. Is it fair for me to tell him I am okay with you being with your primary partner but I don't think I will be able to handle you seeing other women? (he's had a few dates, and even a few heartbreaks, all very difficult for me to swallow due to my self-worth issues that really have nothing to do with him and said partners ).

Another issue is we've never had boundary discussions. I really want to have it but its one of those "you don't know what you don't know" sort of things. I know what makes me emotionally crazy but I don't know that its fair to ask based on that.

A big part of having a functional poly relationship is having a good relationship with yourself and I am doing a lot of work to understand my personal boundaries and where my self-worth is derived from, how to handle my emotions and what my wants and needs are but I am not sure if this complex type of relationship is good to use as a"sandbox" to figure out what works and what doesn't so to speak. On the other hand, it's forcing me to think a lot and spend time thinking differently than I have become accustomed to.

TLDR: I am having doubts as to whether being in a poly relationship, while not knowing if I am poly, and also while having significant jealousy issues is going to do more damage than not. Any insight or similar experiences?

Thank you so much for the long read and I am excited to get back in touch with all of you and new members I have never met before
 
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Hey welcome home :D:D


Personally I think everyone has the capcity to be poly or operate in a poly relationship it’s just more work. That being said why is it important for you to place that indentity label on yourself in order to enjoy a poly relationship ??.

How do you see your jealousy issues causing more damage. Damage to what ?? When or how does this jealousy manifest itself.?
 
It sounds to me like the biggest thing going on here isn’t about the structure of your relationship so much as it is about you needing to process and heal more from the toxic mono relationship that you ended. I don’t know how open you are to the idea, but I would recommend finding a therapist to work with while you’re challenging yourself in this new relationship. It seems like you need a little extra help and support!
 
It sounds to me like you have very low self esteem; you don't like yourself. So in any relationship, whether you're seeing a mono man or a poly man, you are going to struggle.

Are you in therapy to find the roots of your low self esteem, unpack them, air them out, and start to love yourself? You can't properly love anyone else if you don't love yourself.
 
It sounds to me like the biggest thing going on here isn’t about the structure of your relationship so much as it is about you needing to process and heal more from the toxic mono relationship that you ended. I don’t know how open you are to the idea, but I would recommend finding a therapist to work with while you’re challenging yourself in this new relationship. It seems like you need a little extra help and support!

Absolutely, I am seeing a therapist and my partner has been pretty damn understanding about certain triggers. I think I do need probably more help than my therapist can give though, english isnt her first language so sometimes theres a slight communication issue and I feel I do not get as much as I need because its hard to explain to her.
 
It sounds to me like you have very low self esteem; you don't like yourself. So in any relationship, whether you're seeing a mono man or a poly man, you are going to struggle.

Are you in therapy to find the roots of your low self esteem, unpack them, air them out, and start to love yourself? You can't properly love anyone else if you don't love yourself.

100% true. I have a lot of reframing, rewiring and self love to build back up again
 
Hello glowinthedarkstars,

I think it is okay to tell the man you are dating that you can't deal with him seeing anyone other than his primary partner. At least, not right now. You are trying to work on your self-worth issues, and things may change in the future.

So, you do not think you are worthy? You feel like you are not worthy? What is that like when you have these thoughts about yourself? Do you at other times feel good about yourself? What is that like if so?

I hope we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hello glowinthedarkstars,

I think it is okay to tell the man you are dating that you can't deal with him seeing anyone other than his primary partner. At least, not right now. You are trying to work on your self-worth issues, and things may change in the future.

So, you do not think you are worthy? You feel like you are not worthy? What is that like when you have these thoughts about yourself? Do you at other times feel good about yourself? What is that like if so?

I hope we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thanks so much. I am working to learn and remember that my emotions do not dictate my worth, importance, or what I deserve and that they are just emotions there to teach me things and give me insight into my wants, needs, fears etc. It's quite a process though that doesn't happen overnight. I have been conditioned over a long period of time to believe "I am not important" some of the time. Often times, I have a good group of friends, fun times with my partner and lots of fun and interesting things going on in my life that make me feel good. Having said that a lot of my self concept is based on what others say and think of me, or in the case of the toxic relationship what my "abuser" told me he thought of me. Working on building my own self concept is kind of what I am on now. Such heavy stuff.
 
It sounds like you have some baggage to unpack from the past. Can you go into more detail about that? How was it to be in a toxic monogamous relationship? Is there anything else in your past that made you feel like you were not important?

It sounds like you are working on your insecurities ... not an easy task, not completed quickly. Maybe never completed. A lifelong endeavor. As long as you're making progress, that's the important thing.
 
I started seeing a man who identifies as poly...I feel really insecure and messed up when it comes to him dating new girls. I don't like it one bit. I especially don't like if he is dating other "littles" when I get in "little mode" I find it very hard to swallow polyamory, sharing, regulating my emotions etc.

Just making sure that you know that polyamory does not necessarily mean that the partners are open to pursue all attractions at all times. If it skeeves you out that this new BF is also dating others, then you are well within the bounds of poly to tell him that his taking on new partners is not working for you. Just because we are poly doesn't mean that we're open for business, all day, all the time and that we need to somehow be cool that our partners will take up with anyone else they are interested in. If this extent of openness doesn't work for you, say so - and it sounds like it's making life hell for you. Knowing your own boundaries is essential in poly and even more important in the type of kink relationship you're in with your BF. The DD/LG relationship is based on the daddy taking care of the little girl, not on daddy doing whatever the f**k he pleases. As Magdlyn suggested in your other thread, get yourself onto Fetlife and start networking with other littles, other subs. It's really important that you have older and more experienced littles and subs to mentor you - and that you don't contain your DD/LG relationship to the bubble of whatever your daddy feels like dishing out to you.

Along with meeting others on Fetlife, The Submissive Guide is a good website and source of online mentorship - by subs, for subs.
 
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I recently learned my adult daughter is in a DD/lg relationship with her long term boyfriend, though they are mono so their experience doesn't pertain to your situation, Glow.

I myself am not "a" little, however I DO have some of this dynamic going on in ONE of my relationships, SOME of the time. Going back decades, before I'd even heard it was a "thing", I discovered I was inclined towards acting this way at various points and it worked well with the right partner.

However, the DD/lg dynamic is a "special" one. I cannot imagine being in this sort of relationship and having my partner act out his DD role indiscriminately with any number of other partners. It would make that part of our partnership LESS special and frankly, I'm not sure I'd see a point to doing it at all.

Now, factoring in your current low self esteem due to your past toxic relationship (which is NOT your current partner's fault, of course, so he should not be punished nor bear the brunt of it) - I can see why this would further erode your sense of security and self worth.

I DO think it's worth discussing the subject openly with your partner and seeing if he is willing to at least temporarily put the brakes on approaching new potential partners while you seek therapy and emotionally regroup. Of course, you cannot hold him hostage to your own insecurities forever, should he really WANT to pursue new/other people. I do not think it's unreasonable, however, to request that he keep the DD/lg stuff between you two ONLY for the foreseeable future. He does not have to agree, if he feels this is too limiting... and then you will need to decide IF you can continue in this particular relationship.
 
However, the DD/lg dynamic is a "special" one. I cannot imagine being in this sort of relationship and having my partner act out his DD role indiscriminately with any number of other partners. It would make that part of our partnership LESS special and frankly, I'm not sure I'd see a point to doing it at all.

I agree. Unless there is some "sister wife" connection among the LGs, I don't see what a woman would get out of the relationship, since the whole point of the DD/LG dynamic is that she is extra, extra special to him - Daddy's Little Girl and all that. Unless you have a sisterly relationship with Daddy's other little girls, how can you possibly feel special?

Not every sexually dominant man is ready to be a Daddy Dom or even a Dom. It takes quite a bit of experience, maturity and focus for a man to not just act out his fantasies, but truly take care with his Little Girl. The nucleus of that kind of relationship is the growth and nurturing of the LG, not the feeding of the desires of the DD. A DD who has several LGs in a healthy way would be an extraordinary and unusual man - certainly a man with lots of experience in the vast range of awareness and skills that being a good Dom requires. It would not be someone who is new to this kind of dynamic and would definitely not be someone who is new to poly.
 
You have every right to say you cannot handle dating him while he dates others right now. That’s honest and good communication.

BUT...

It’s not right to expect that the default is “no one new”.

It might be essential to his happiness to be “on the prowl” or be pursuing multiple littles.

Just as it might be essential to you to have a break from that right now.

You might need to put this on hold till you can handle it.

Or it might be an acceptable compromise to take a break from adding people on his end.

Either way, a relationship is not out. The question is: is it better to pursue now or later? You might be better off easing into this situation another way. Find someone less towards the high end of the “I need the possibility of new people frequently” scale, and add the new guy later.
 
I strongly disagree with the posters who suggested that as a Daddy, he has to express his polyamory in a certain way. I identify as a Mommy in some of my relationships. Not all of them. And I am polyamorous. Of course it is my responsibility to meet my partner's needs and do my part of sustaining our connection, but for me that certainly would not include a promise to keep the CG/little dynamic exclusive to ourselves or limit it in any way. That would be a compatibility issue if someone expected that of me.

Maybe the reality is that Daddy cannot take care of this little girl. That does mean he is not a Daddy or she is not a little.
 
That would be a compatibility issue if someone expected that of me.

Right now it's a huge compatibility issue that the OP seems to be internalizing as massive anxiety. Of course there are many ways to do poly and kink, but it's not apparent that the OP recognizes that she even has a right to voice her preference.
 
I started seeing a man who identifies as poly (he has a primary partner who also has a boyfriend). He hasn't really been poly in practice so I feel like I have a lot to offer by way of showing him some of the ropes (such as surprising him by explaining that I wanted to meet his partner) I have come to feel compersion for him and his partner, with slight bouts of jealousy here and there.

You are very aware of what he doesn't know. While your "V" with him and his wife went well, you are aware that you did quite a bit of the heafy lifting to figure out how to make it work, etc. (This may or may not be true according to him, but it is your perceived/experienced reality)

I feel really insecure and messed up when it comes to him dating new girls. I don't like it one bit.

Insecurity can be you jumping at shadows. It can also be you seeing a threat to your own well being that you haven't noticed enough to articulate. Perhaps you may have observed that he isn't a good hinge without guidance to prevent distress to his metamors and don't feel confident that he could do this on his own if his new partners didn't handhold him through as you did.

Or perhaps you don't want anyone else handholding "your" poly-student and are possessive.

Or you think he's adding a new person too fast after you and you don't feel like you are stable enough in your relationship to feel ready for a new factor.

Or perhaps you don't want a revolving door type situation, but a closed "V", which you assumed, since he wasn't poly in practice - till he found another person.

It can be anything. You are also recovering from a monogamous relationship that didn't go well.

Only you know what is going on, but one way to try and identify what exactly bothers you is to go on a "I'd be fine if it was this. I have a problem with this" kind of rant (to yourself not either of them) Write it somewhere or if you're a video person, record it. Leave no holds barred. Have at it. Then see what your issues are. What you are fine with and what you are not fine with will usually have a few elements that are different that matter. And that is your line the problem is crossing.

In any case, you are going to need a "TALK" to figure out whether you are open or closed or if there are any requirements of anyone and so on.
 
Just making sure that you know that polyamory does not necessarily mean that the partners are open to pursue all attractions at all times. If it skeeves you out that this new BF is also dating others, then you are well within the bounds of poly to tell him that his taking on new partners is not working for you. Just because we are poly doesn't mean that we're open for business, all day, all the time and that we need to somehow be cool that our partners will take up with anyone else they are interested in. If this extent of openness doesn't work for you, say so - and it sounds like it's making life hell for you. Knowing your own boundaries is essential in poly and even more important in the type of kink relationship you're in with your BF. The DD/LG relationship is based on the daddy taking care of the little girl, not on daddy doing whatever the f**k he pleases. As Magdlyn suggested in your other thread, get yourself onto Fetlife and start networking with other littles, other subs. It's really important that you have older and more experienced littles and subs to mentor you - and that you don't contain your DD/LG relationship to the bubble of whatever your daddy feels like dishing out to you.

Along with meeting others on Fetlife, The Submissive Guide is a good website and source of online mentorship - by subs, for subs.


Wow thank you, I have never been on fetlife so I really appreciate the resources. Also, "just because we are poly doesn't mean that we're open for business, all day, all the time and that we need to somehow be cool that our partners will take up with anyone else they are interested in". THIS. Thank you!!!
 
Right now it's a huge compatibility issue that the OP seems to be internalizing as massive anxiety. Of course there are many ways to do poly and kink, but it's not apparent that the OP recognizes that she even has a right to voice her preference.

I think that's true. Understanding and solidifying where my limitations are instead of having my boundaries transgressed and then hurting in the name of submission or lack of self-confidence or whatever I may be is what I really need to be careful of.
 
Thank you all so much for the well thought out responses. Sorry its taken me a little while to get back on here. I am def going to be reading through them again and ponder all sides. I really appreciate all of the support I get on here. Thank you!
 
Understanding and solidifying where my limitations are instead of having my boundaries transgressed and then hurting in the name of submission or lack of self-confidence or whatever I may be is what I really need to be careful of.

This is true of many subs that are newer to this kind of relationship and that's one reason that mentorship can be really helpful. Experienced subs are wonderful resources for younger or newer subs. Glad you're looking into Fetlife. There's a lot of support and good guidance there if you tune into it. Look for groups that are specifically for subs (as opposed to hookup groups.)
 
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