glowinthedarkstars
New member
Back at Poly, this time as a "Little" and not sure if its for the best
Hi Friends,
I used to use this resource quite often when I was in a few different poly relationships from age 19-22. I am now 28 and spent the past 4ish years in a monogamous relationship. It was pretty damn toxic, I was submissive to a fault and my partner was very dominant-- he also had significant emotional and possibly physical affairs that he wouldn't communicate about (I felt consistently in the dark and powerless but came to believe that only he could love me, and that we were destined to have this passionate damaging thing together). Anyhow at that time, I had also convinced myself that polyamory was just a phase I went through in my teens/twenties. I had seen my ex-couple divorce from polyamory not working for them and it made me really sad, esp because I introduced it to them in the first place. I also wrestled with the idea that this toxic, emotionally abusive, monogamous relationship just like poly but worse (I felt all of the bad feelings and none of the good ones-- everything felt threatening and unstable and dishonest, which is the opposite of a healthy communicative relationship, poly or otherwise).
Anyhow, back in the dating pool and I started seeing a man who identifies as poly (he has a primary partner who also has a boyfriend). He hasn't really been poly in practice so I feel like I have a lot to offer by way of showing him some of the ropes (such as surprising him by explaining that I wanted to meet his partner) I have come to feel compersion for him and his partner, with slight bouts of jealousy here and there. And while I have come to love him, and respect his partner, I feel really insecure and messed up when it comes to him dating new girls. I don't like it one bit. I especially don't like if he is dating other "littles" when I get in "little mode" I find it very hard to swallow polyamory, sharing, regulating my emotions etc. For those of you unfamiliar with the term it is a DDLG (daddy dom little girl) sort of dynamic. Anyhow when the emotions hit, I tell myself that they (whoever he is fancying) is better than me, prettier, more worthy, more important, whatever I can to tell myself that is damaging. I feel entirely triggered as if I have reverted back to being in that awful mono relationship where I felt powerless and kept in the dark. Since that time I have become much more insecure, broken down and damaged than when I used to be poly. Back then, honestly I was more of a college kid having fun, more carefree, hedonistic, frivolous and less serious about things.
Now I am wondering if this is right for me. I know only I can say. Is it fair for me to tell him I am okay with you being with your primary partner but I don't think I will be able to handle you seeing other women? (he's had a few dates, and even a few heartbreaks, all very difficult for me to swallow due to my self-worth issues that really have nothing to do with him and said partners ).
Another issue is we've never had boundary discussions. I really want to have it but its one of those "you don't know what you don't know" sort of things. I know what makes me emotionally crazy but I don't know that its fair to ask based on that.
A big part of having a functional poly relationship is having a good relationship with yourself and I am doing a lot of work to understand my personal boundaries and where my self-worth is derived from, how to handle my emotions and what my wants and needs are but I am not sure if this complex type of relationship is good to use as a"sandbox" to figure out what works and what doesn't so to speak. On the other hand, it's forcing me to think a lot and spend time thinking differently than I have become accustomed to.
TLDR: I am having doubts as to whether being in a poly relationship, while not knowing if I am poly, and also while having significant jealousy issues is going to do more damage than not. Any insight or similar experiences?
Thank you so much for the long read and I am excited to get back in touch with all of you and new members I have never met before
Hi Friends,
I used to use this resource quite often when I was in a few different poly relationships from age 19-22. I am now 28 and spent the past 4ish years in a monogamous relationship. It was pretty damn toxic, I was submissive to a fault and my partner was very dominant-- he also had significant emotional and possibly physical affairs that he wouldn't communicate about (I felt consistently in the dark and powerless but came to believe that only he could love me, and that we were destined to have this passionate damaging thing together). Anyhow at that time, I had also convinced myself that polyamory was just a phase I went through in my teens/twenties. I had seen my ex-couple divorce from polyamory not working for them and it made me really sad, esp because I introduced it to them in the first place. I also wrestled with the idea that this toxic, emotionally abusive, monogamous relationship just like poly but worse (I felt all of the bad feelings and none of the good ones-- everything felt threatening and unstable and dishonest, which is the opposite of a healthy communicative relationship, poly or otherwise).
Anyhow, back in the dating pool and I started seeing a man who identifies as poly (he has a primary partner who also has a boyfriend). He hasn't really been poly in practice so I feel like I have a lot to offer by way of showing him some of the ropes (such as surprising him by explaining that I wanted to meet his partner) I have come to feel compersion for him and his partner, with slight bouts of jealousy here and there. And while I have come to love him, and respect his partner, I feel really insecure and messed up when it comes to him dating new girls. I don't like it one bit. I especially don't like if he is dating other "littles" when I get in "little mode" I find it very hard to swallow polyamory, sharing, regulating my emotions etc. For those of you unfamiliar with the term it is a DDLG (daddy dom little girl) sort of dynamic. Anyhow when the emotions hit, I tell myself that they (whoever he is fancying) is better than me, prettier, more worthy, more important, whatever I can to tell myself that is damaging. I feel entirely triggered as if I have reverted back to being in that awful mono relationship where I felt powerless and kept in the dark. Since that time I have become much more insecure, broken down and damaged than when I used to be poly. Back then, honestly I was more of a college kid having fun, more carefree, hedonistic, frivolous and less serious about things.
Now I am wondering if this is right for me. I know only I can say. Is it fair for me to tell him I am okay with you being with your primary partner but I don't think I will be able to handle you seeing other women? (he's had a few dates, and even a few heartbreaks, all very difficult for me to swallow due to my self-worth issues that really have nothing to do with him and said partners ).
Another issue is we've never had boundary discussions. I really want to have it but its one of those "you don't know what you don't know" sort of things. I know what makes me emotionally crazy but I don't know that its fair to ask based on that.
A big part of having a functional poly relationship is having a good relationship with yourself and I am doing a lot of work to understand my personal boundaries and where my self-worth is derived from, how to handle my emotions and what my wants and needs are but I am not sure if this complex type of relationship is good to use as a"sandbox" to figure out what works and what doesn't so to speak. On the other hand, it's forcing me to think a lot and spend time thinking differently than I have become accustomed to.
TLDR: I am having doubts as to whether being in a poly relationship, while not knowing if I am poly, and also while having significant jealousy issues is going to do more damage than not. Any insight or similar experiences?
Thank you so much for the long read and I am excited to get back in touch with all of you and new members I have never met before
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