I'm so very sorry you struggle with this.
I feel broken and Furious. I've become a person I don't know anymore. Filled with rage and hatred for this person.
I'm so lost and confused. I don't know how to stop hating this person who I feel so betrayed by.
Know what? Be ok not liking her. Whatever happened in the past? I'm not hearing where she's done anything to earn your trust or liking. Your not liking her may be well founded.
I wonder if you are busy hating on her because it's
easier to hate her right now. Rather than take a look at husband and be angry with him for his current behaviors. Maybe even hate him some for doing these things. Like it is easier to think she's a witch or something that's put him under a spell than to think "Whoa. Who IS this guy? Why's he treating me so bad for all that he claims to love me?"
Is something like that going on and part of the confusing feelings?
They want to see each other and still claim to be madly in love but it's eating me alive. He wants to continue to see her and he knows that it hurts me, but he says he cannot help his feelings and I'm not coping with it well.
He may not be able to help his feelings, but he CAN help his behavior.
- He can choose to date her at this time like THIS and hurt you.
- Or he can choose to refrain from dating her at this time and not hurt you.
That's about it to me.
I'm not hearing where he and this woman apologized for past behavior, asked for forgiveness, and opportunity to make ammends and try again on new footing with a clean slate. I'm hearing "Well, I'm not going to do any past repair work first. I'm just moving on to dating her whether you like it or not, full steam ahead!"
I don't know if this helps you any.
http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/
If you started with swinging and later moved on to poly with him, despite his bungling things with this woman? The price of admission to get to poly with you may be giving this woman UP. If he's wanting to be with her again? Then he could give you up and stop dragging you through the mud like this. Or you could choose to remove your own self and bow out. The GF he dumped? She got off easier even if he lied to her about the reason for the break up. She gets to LEAVE this wacky. You are still in it.
I could be wrong. But all the rest sounds like he's blowing smoke at you to get his way so he can have both of you around. Or maybe bully you/wear you down enough so you say "Ok, whatever, date her" not because you love this but because you are tired and want the arguing, comparing, fussing, and all that to STOP.
It's not a nice way to treat a spouse. It's not a nice way to treat anyone.
He Compares me to her and I feel like he's always trying to convince me how amazing she is.
Could tell him "Stop comparing me to her" and leave the room. You don't have to sit there listening to that.
It may sound persnickety, but I think you could be very strict right now with your own words if he's blowing smoke at you. That's already confusing enough.
You don't need to add to the confusion pile. YKWIM? You need to keep your bearings straight right now as you navigate this mess.
- Could use "I feel" for the emotions you are feeling
- Could use "I think" for the thoughts you are thinking
- Could use "I observe this behavior happening" or "I experience this happening" for the things that are actually happening to you or that you directly experience. You are not imagining things. Things ARE happening to you here.
Keep your own things super straight. Maybe even write things down as they happen so you know what order it came in.
I am hoping I am wrong but I have a bad feeling that he's going to make you start doubting your own self and your own perceptions. Like the big problem is you and your feelings rather than his provoking behaviors.
I could be wrong. But to me? It sounds like he
knows he's doing a not very nice thing right now and you are being railroaded into something you do not want.
I feel like them being together is literally destroying our relationship.
I think his poor behavior choices is destroying your relationship with him and your warm feelings for him.
HOW he is going about them being together is not kind to you.
Kinder would be to apologize for the past, ask for forgiveness, try to make amends, and then see what could be worked out. And if she's become a hard limit person to you? He could respect that. He could accept that the remaining choices are (be with you honorably and give her up.) Or (give you up honorably and go be with her.) Not drag you through crap like this so he gets access to both.
It sounds like it's just about him and what he wants, screw anyone else.
I don't know how to move forward so I can continue with my marriage and still allow them to be together.
Then don't.
Could say "I do not consent to you taking up with your ex like this. I prefer to end the marriage so I can be free of these shenanigans and you can be free to do what you want."
A part of me feels like I need to be in control of my own feelings and deal with them on my own, but a part of me also feels like my feelings should matter to him and he shouldn't be willing to toss them aside for someone he hasn't seen in 3 years.
To me feelings ensue after behavior. So if he's doing provoking behavior and you end up feeling bad? You could ask him to stop doing that behavior around you so you can feel better. And if he doesn't? You could remove yourself from his vicinity so you become "undingable" and his behavior no longer can hurt you.
I would frame it this way:
I want my partner to take my feelings into account. They should matter to him and he shouldn't be willing to toss them aside lightly.
Right now, I don't have that in this particular spouse. This partner does not take my feelings into account. Repeatedly in various ways. He is willing to toss them aside lightly.
I need to be in control of my own feelings and deal with that on my own. So I need to evaluate my situation: Do I still want him to do the spouse job when he does provoking things like this? Or do I want to "fire" him from the position?
Some people act like once married, they have the job for life no matter how they behave. I don't hold with the "sealed for life" idea. I think it is possible for me to be "fired" from the spouse job if I start treating my husband in crap ways. Just like he knows he could be "fired" if he started treating me poorly.
He is sent broken up with the woman that I adored so he can be with this other person. Unfortunately, he used me as a scapegoat to break up with her. He told her that his marriage was falling apart and that he needed to work on us, but in reality he wants this other girl to be his secondary.
Sounds like you know he will lie or spin stories to get his way. And it sounds like you are not his primary. Or his secondary. I'm not really sure where you rank in this system. To me it sounds like his stuff is primary. What he wants comes first, screw anyone else.
I think to lessen your confusion you could stay focused on what YOU need to be well through this and past this. Whatever running around he's doing with whoever and whatever... you could keep your focus on YOUR well being, YOUR limits, YOUR boundaries.
You could tell him "No, you cannot date your ex with my glowing consent. So stop trying to "sell" her awesomeness to me. She could be AMAZING. But that doesn't change that YOU are doing poor behaviors toward me. Stop comparing me to her. Stop using me as excuse for you dumping your other GF when really it's because you want to be with this one. I cannot stop you from seeing her, but I don't have to pretend to love it either. I'm not up for this like this. Don't try to make it be like I am ok with it. I am not. I need time and space away from talking about this with you."
State your limits. ONCE. Then move on to assess if you want to stay here with him or not. Stay focused on that. On what YOU need to be well.
The new relationship energy is in full swing for them and I feel like with each argument with my husband, it's pushing him further away from me.
Hon, you wanting to discuss what is going on is reasonable. If you want to address how you are being treated poorly here? That is reasonable too.
If he makes it be an argument and blame shifts because he doesn't want to own his poor behavior? If when you bring it up he makes it be a long song and dance to make you tired and make you shut up about it? It's not
you pushing him away. It's him avoiding connecting with you in an authentic way. It's him not wanting to hear your concerns.
If you don't want to be in a marriage where you are treated this way? Could stop being in it. I know that is sometimes easier said than done. But you don't sound like you are respected in this marriage much. That is a hard pill to swallow. Yet there it is.
I encourage you to see clear, keep your head on straight and try to get through this.
Whether it means a trial separation so he gets whatever out of his system or an outright divorce or something else....
You do not sound like you want to continue in a marriage like THIS where you are treated this poorly/taken for granted/not considered.
Something has to change. FWIW, remember that you matter,
you have worth, dignity and value. Even if he's treating you poorly.
Galagirl