I think you have interrelated issues that are tangled up. Kinda hard for internet people to help you untangle something like that.
Which is why I suggest a counselor who is better trained to help you untangle. You don't seem willing to do that at this time.
So your self help options are going to be limited.
I find it somewhat aggravating that other than this issue, I have excellent self esteem.
But this thing hits so hard that all of my positive self image doesn't even seem to matter.
What's the excellent self esteem the positive self image based on?
How is your self respect? I don't see you mention it.
To me, self respecting behavior is what my self esteem is based on. I do behavior that is self honoring and self respecting. I do not do stuff that hurts me or dings me. Then I can feel proud of taking good care of me. I can hold myself in good esteem.
If I lie to myself, tell myself stories, talk down to myself like I am my own self bully -- none of that is self respecting behavior. I cannot feel proud of doing that, and my self esteem as a result won't be so hot.
I see some places in your posts where you kinda talk down.
She wanted to get back together late in the year, no poly. I still loved her, so gave in.
I don't say things like "I gave in." I say "I agreed to try dating again." I take
ownership of my choices.
I don't see me as a helpless leaf on a river going whatever way other outside forces say. I see me as a captain of my own ship. It might only be a row boat, but I decide whether to paddle or coast with the current.
How do you see yourself as you move in the world? Like a leaf or a captain or something else?
I ended the relationship last year because I was so tired of trying and failing to deal with the nonfunctional open relationship issue. She wanted to get back together late in the year, no poly. I still loved her, so gave in. That no-poly fell under the bus when a love interest got all forward after about 5 months. Rather than ditch the relationship, I decided to try one more time for balance, I like my relationship except for the stupid left out thing.
The left out thing is not stupid. Why do you call things names when they are important to you? You seem to value connection, inclusion. Why's that stupid?
She asked to get back together Closed. You were willing to try that model.
Then that ended when she wanted to Open again. If open/poly did not work before why agree to try that again rather than say "Nope. Not up for that" or similar?
And it really really looks like it'd be tons of fun if I ever make enough social connections with women for those possibilities to have a chance to evolve to where there's fun for me out in the world too that I don't have to generate myself
It's ok to play the field. Could dating as a single person give you the fun opportunities you want without the problems of poly?
How is you (keeping you in this poly thing after two attempts of it not working) an example of you taking good care of yourself? How can you feel proud of that behavior and hold you in high esteem?
I think you have to ask her to return to Closed. And if she's not up for that, stop seeing her.
Or don't ask, since you see she doesn't really
want to do Closed. Could skip right to not seeing her any more and finally accept that love is not enough and you two are just not compatible.
Free yourself of this ill-fitting poly model and stop banging head on wall.
That's not going to solve your other problems with building a friend/support network for yourself, learning to date women better, and working on social skills.
But it ends you having to sit around home feeling sad because she's out elsewhere poly-dating other people while you aren't. You can have your own home and not deal in seeing any of that any more.
I'd love to find things to do in the out and about, with women around. Unfortunately, can't dance, too introverted to be more than a lump at parties or bars or what have you.
If I want to go do stuff out and about? I find the local listings of events and focus on what I am willing to do.
If you don't want to dance or do bars, that's fine. But what DO you want to do or ARE you willing to try? I notice you have yet to list something concrete that you are willing to try in a group. If you like hiking, why not try group hiking?
Could focus on what you want MORE of, rather focus on stuff you do not want.
I don't call my own self names like "lump on a log." That's a put down. How can you feel proud of calling yourself names? That's a ding to self esteem.
I could be wrong, but it is like you go around emptying your self esteem bucket in small ways.
Maybe ways you don't even notice because of depression or because of struggling with 10+ years of frustration. Could that be happening here?
Cuz it's going to be hard to fill the bucket if there's little holes in the bottom draining things away every time you try to put some in there. The little holes might be little, but the effect is not. They don't help the rest stay. They have to be fixed first.
You sound depressed to me so you might want a doctor check up to assess if that is so. Because depression is another bucket drainer.
Though I do see the same suggestions repeatedly since 2009, and they're no easier to follow now than they were then, like go find new friends, develop something exciting to do alone so general happiness/attractiveness are increased, go talk to people who you pay to listen to you (therapy,) and finding groups of like minded people (no dice, yet.)
None of that will be doable if you have depression and have to solve that first. Nothing will have appeal and you may not have the energy to try.
Again, you seem to have MANY overlapping things going on at the same time and untangling them in order to be able to figure out which ones to deal with first? You might want help with that if you have been going at it alone for a long time and no dice.
You may have to change your mind about that "paying people to listen" thing.
Galagirl