Limited Polyamory

I grew up in a very conservative, strict household, with a father who kept my mother and us kids firmly under his thumb. Every day from the age of ten or so, I wished my parents would split up.

I'm not claiming I was in the majority, however if there are multiple instances of cheating and/or ongoing tension and unhappiness in the household, that is NOT a great situation in which to raise children. Kids KNOW and will either blame themselves or develop long-standing resentment towards their parent/s.

My ex husband and I had a secure decades-long marriage, but when we DID eventually grow apart and start to date other people (in my case, more than one person) we did ensure our, by-then almost grown kids had the necessary emotional resources and were otherwise stable, before making our new arrangement permanent and announcing our individual relationship situations.

I concede it's not always practical or possible to do it this way where one or both parents may already identify as polyamorous, or have realised/admitted they're gay in a straight union; the marriage is extremely troubled... yet the kids are still quite young. In such cases, waiting until the children are grown, at college or out of the house is often unrealistic and means that the parents may have many years before they can seek happiness and fulfilment outside the original couple/nuclear family unit... which may fuel further frustration, depression and/or cheating behaviours.

So what to do? It is possible, if not ideal, to separate amicably and co-parent WELL, if both parents are committed to doing so. A lot depends on the ages of the kids, their dispositions and that of the parents, and if there are any complicating factors such as disabilities, developmental disorders or mental health issues that need to be factored into the ongoing care of either the children or parents concerned.
 
Without going back and quoting
Welp, I _am_ going to individually quote as I think you're making a lot of assumptions here. Perhaps I'm being defensive - as I _am_ a polyamorous parent who is trying very hard to be deliberate about the effect that has on my child - but I also just think there are generalizations here that are not as universal as you imply.


A poly parent is almost by definition spending a regular amount of time away from the kids dating and/or with other partners. Of course it impacts kids both to have parents gone so frequently and regularly AND to know they're gone to date other people, making a free choice that they'd rather be with someone else two or three nights a week than with the kids. Kids take these things to heart. They take meaning from them.

And yet somehow there's a stigma around this when it's dating, polyamorously or no (perhaps less so for a single parent but not by much) that isn't there for a parent that chooses to "spend a regular amount of time away" for work... or school... or church... or hobby... or even a regular night out with friends, or date between spouses. Time away from children is not unique to polyamory, and IS healthy - some of the least healthy parent-child relationships I know are the ones where the parent has willingly thrown away everything that made them a person in the name of "being a better parent" - and that's BEFORE you're left with a shell of a person when the child goes off to school / live their hopefully-independent lives.

For that matter, if I go out with my partner vs. my spouse, my son gets one on one time with his father instead of a sitter. This is a bad thing?

These kids very often have adults coming into their lives to whom they get attached...and then lose. We know this isn't healthy for kids.

In some cases yes. No different than divorced parents who date. Unless you're suggesting this also shouldn't happen?

The likelihood of divorce increases with bringing in new partners. All things being equal, no, divorce is not better for kids. Of course there are some bad situations where it's better. But on average, no, it's better for kids to keep an intact family, to have both their parents close.

And I'm sorry, but no, kids do not give a rat's ass whether their parents are sexually fulfilled. "I'm miserable because mom's not getting enough sex and is sexually frustrated and I wish she'd had more and more fulfilling sex even if it meant dad leaving home forever," said no kid, ever.

"No kid ever"? Huh. I knew FAR too much about my parents' sex life and how it and the lack there of was directly leading to a home life which made me miserable, and I know other people who have had similar experiences.

Reverie just posted about how much it costs to be out dating all the time. And being poly often makes it much harder to just have date nights on the cheap, at home because a spouse and in the case of parents, kids are there. XBF was spending a thousand a month taking me out. For a parent, that's twelve thousand a year that is not going to flugelhorn lessons, summer camp, a family trip to the Grand Canyon.

That's time and money that is not going to dinner with their own kids.

I'm not even sure I _could_ spend that much on dating if I tried. I'm fairly sure Artist and I together spend maybe half that and that's if you count dates with each other as well as any and all partners. Is it more than we should? maybe. Is it less than I'd be spending were we still active in medieval reenactment? SO very much so. Dating is like any hobby... but no one's throwing that same kind of shade on someone who, say, goes golfing, instead of dinner and the movies. And again, one of my values that I'm trying to teach my child is that I'm a _person_, not just a mother, and he is _not_ entitled to every dime of available money or minute of available time I may have. Everything he needs and most of what he wants, yes, but not the entirety of my resources.

I see one person on this board who seems to spend a lot of time with her kids, not be out partying all the time, and not be sliding men in and out of their lives and hearts. Those kids may grow up being just fine with poly.

But as a poly community, we need to address honestly that many other kids are growing up more in the circumstances I described--which I see in living color from other members on this forum. It is our job as parents to do the best we can for our children so if we're going to be poly and parents, we need to be honest about how poly may be affecting our kids.

You're not wrong that we DO need to address these things as part of a life balance thing - I mean, I _boggle_ at some of the people who talk about moving new partners in with their children in a matter of months or even in a few memorable cases weeks! But there is more than one parent on this board who takes parenting seriously - we just don't talk about it here because, well, it's not a parenting board.
 
Reverie just posted about how much it costs to be out dating all the time.
Actually, she writes about how her husband pressures and cajoles her into spending money on a lifestyle that they can't afford.


I see one person on this board who seems to spend a lot of time with her kids, not be out partying all the time, and not be sliding men in and out of their lives and hearts. Those kids may grow up being just fine with poly.
I spend a lot of time with my kids, am hardly ever out partying and I'm not sliding men in and out of their lives and hearts but I rarely write about my kids because our family life is actually pretty boring to read about. We're quite stable and dull, as my 17 year old will attest.
 
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Without going back and quoting:

The question has been brought up of what 'caused' Jayke's wife to stop desiring him/start cheating. Would this fly if it were a guy cheating on his wife and saying, "Well, she got fat, I didn't find her attractive anymore, so I had sex with someone else and didn't bother telling her." ?

It sounds like blaming the victim to me.

I asked that question merely to get a more rounded picture of the situation, if possible. We almost always just get one side of the "can this marriage be saved" problems here. I'm not blaming any so-called victims. Jayke even said his wife went with 2 lovers because of something he did or didn't do: "his fault."

The discussion of kids treats the relationship structure and the individual parenting as two separate things. Of course there are some poly parents who may be better parents than some mono parents. But the structure of the relationship does impact how a parent parents.

A poly parent is almost by definition spending a regular amount of time away from the kids dating and/or with other partners.

No, you don't get to say this is the definition of parenting while poly. Some people live with both partners in a boring old V of stay at home parents. Some people bring their children back and forth to the houses of each partner. And so on.

Of course it impacts kids both to have parents gone so frequently and regularly AND to know they're gone to date other people, making a free choice that they'd rather be with someone else two or three nights a week than with the kids. Kids take these things to heart. They take meaning from them.

I beg to differ. Poly does NOT mean you are "gone frequently." A married or partnered parent might only see their OSO once a week, or a couple times a month. They might have a LDR and only see their OSO a few times a year! They might frequently take the kids on family friendly "dates" with one or both partners, and so on and so on. And let's not forget single moms or dads. They need a social life too. Maybe grandma takes the kids a couple nights a week so mom or dad can go date (whether monogamously, or gasp! polyamorously). Is it the end of the world to spend an evening with Grandma? It could be very healthy.

Plenty of these kids are being left home alone--here's 20 bucks, kid, get yourself something.

Kids are left home alone all the time, 20 bucks or not. I doubt poly implies more "neglect" than any other parenting circumstance such as a job or hobby or need to go visit a sick friend or help someone with a life crisis, etc., etc.

These kids very often have adults coming into their lives to whom they get attached...and then lose. We know this isn't healthy for kids.

This is not easy for kids. In our culture, where people live in isolated nuclear homes, where families uproot and move so a parent can take a new job, and not in stable villages, as in days of old; when a devoted younger aunt suddenly has kids of her own and drops out of her niece's life, when a grandparent dies, when a platonic friend and a parent have a falling out, it's a hard part of life for us all to have to deal with. Can't be prevented really. Can't put the blame on poly. It's not easy, but is it really "unhealthy?" Only if a parent has a revolving door of lovers who come to the house for a few months, get intimate with the kids, then leave. But then, that's not polyamory, that's sleeping around. Many if not most, ethically poly parents don't introduce a partner until the relationship is safely established.

The likelihood of divorce increases with bringing in new partners. All things being equal, no, divorce is not better for kids. Of course there are some bad situations where it's better. But on average, no, it's better for kids to keep an intact family, to have both their parents close.

I highly doubt ethical poly causes divorce more than unethical cheating, which is extremely common in society.

And I'm sorry, but no, kids do not give a rat's ass whether their parents are sexually fulfilled. "I'm miserable because mom's not getting enough sex and is sexually frustrated and I wish she'd had more and more fulfilling sex even if it meant dad leaving home forever," said no kid, ever.

Reverie just posted about how much it costs to be out dating all the time. And being poly often makes it much harder to just have date nights on the cheap, at home because a spouse and in the case of parents, kids are there. XBF was spending a thousand a month taking me out. For a parent, that's twelve thousand a year that is not going to flugelhorn lessons, summer camp, a family trip to the Grand Canyon.

That's time and money that is not going to dinner with their own kids.

I don't see any need to spend $1000 a month dating poly partners. Good grief! I don't think I've spent more than $200 a month dating anyone lol. My dates are usually an inexpensive takeout meal or homecooked one, and a DVRed movie, or listening to music, driving to the woods for a hike, or going to the beach, or just talking (and having sex of course, which is basically free).

And married partners should go out on dates too. It's all part of healthy balance between being a parent, a lover, a human being.

Kids see these things. Kids feel these things.

Sure these things happen in SOME mono marriage. But they happen almost by definition in most poly marriages.

Angelina says these are just opinions nothing more. As if to dismiss them. They were posted because Ravenscroft asked for them. He challenged me, suggesting perhaps no kid feels as I said? There are the posts: yes, there ARE kids who feel that way and it makes complete sense that they do. But now that I have been shown to be right [yes there are kids who feel exactly as I said they do], it's being dismissed as irrelevant. Way to move the goal posts.

I see one person on this board who seems to spend a lot of time with her kids, not be out partying all the time, and not be sliding men in and out of their lives and hearts. Those kids may grow up being just fine with poly.

But as a poly community, we need to address honestly that many other kids are growing up more in the circumstances I described--which I see in living color from other members on this forum. It is our job as parents to do the best we can for our children so if we're going to be poly and parents, we need to be honest about how poly may be affecting our kids.
 
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These kids very often have adults coming into their lives to whom they get attached...and then lose. We know this isn't healthy for kids.

We also know that 99.9% of parents who bring a parade of adults through the home are serial monogamists. Any parent who is inclined to have lovers around willy nilly, bond with the children and disappear is a careless parent. In my experience, poly parents tend be incredibly conscientious about their kids. I wonder how many poly parents you actually know - really know, not just have a passing acquaintance with or just hear about. I am in weekly contact with 5 poly families IRL and none of them engage in this. Like I said, our kids think that their parents are exasperatingly normal, predictable, reliable and boring.
 
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I believe that if children are under the age of 14, then they don't need to tell about the divorce of their parents. This can be a huge psychological trauma for them. The children will blame themselves for the divorce. If you both decide to divorce, then create the impression of a happy family for the child. I read that children who grew up in a single-parent family become unsure of themselves. Recently, I have read many articles about relationships on breakupangels.com. Of course, it would be better if the situation in families didn't reach the point of talking about divorce.
 
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I believe that if children are under the age of 14, then they don't need to tell about the divorce of their parents. This can be a huge psychological trauma for them.
Do you mean shouldn't be told about the *reasons* for their parents' divorce? As I don't see how they could just, like, not know it happened. Unless you're saying the parents should "stay together for the children", which IMO is one of the more toxic ideas ever.
 
I believe that if children are under the age of 14, then they don't need to tell about the divorce of their parents. This can be a huge psychological trauma for them. The children will blame themselves for the divorce. If you both decide to divorce, then create the impression of a happy family for the child. I read that children who grew up in a single-parent family become unsure of themselves.

Those sweeping assertions aside, why on earth would you try to hide reality from children? Aren't they going to have to live in it eventually?

I am curious to see the details of the study you are basing "unsure of themselves" on.

Recently, I have read many articles about relationships on breakupangels.com. Of course, it would be better if the situation in families didn't reach the point of talking about divorce.

The problems that traditional relationships produce are almost as cringe as the proposed traditional solutions to them.

I have an alternative approach to dealing with divorce... give the concept of marriage the big old belly laugh it has earned.
 
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