mothballedaccount
New member
Hello,
I'm hoping for a bit of wisdom, or at least a sanity check!
I'm male, 40, married and straight. My wife is 39 and recently declared as bisexual (I was entirely unaware when we got married in our mid-twenties).
I won't go into the details now (although I can, if it helps), but basically our position is this:
(a) We are very happy together generally, with sex/sexuality issues the only problem area. We are both dead set on remaining together.
(b) My wife is definitely bisexual rather than gay, as she had a short affair a little over a year ago with a male, as well as with a female a month or so before that. Our relationship was in dire straits at the time, much of which was my fault, and all is forgiven now!
(c) Our sex life is infrequent, and poor quality, because she is not really sexually attracted to me anymore. We spent years trying to fix this, but its just not fixable.
(d) She would like to be able to have the relationship open on her side, to be able to sleep with women. I think I can live with this, although I have to say I'm probably not built for non-monogamy so jealousy is likely to be a bit of an issue for me.
(e) She would ideally also like to be able to sleep with other men, although she is less fussed about this. I don't think I could live with this. I'm not sure I can explain why this is different for me, but it is. I am in a position to judge my own feelings from this based on experience, since her affair with a man hit me MUCH harder, even though it was actually a lot less significant in terms of scope.
(f) Although I'd be happy with just my wife if she was actually interested in me, as she isn't, I feel like I would like to be able to sleep with other women too. My wife isn't keen on this, and particularly not if she is restricted not to be able to sleep with other men.
So...what do we do?!
The options seem to be:
(1) Remain monogamous - this would be "fair", but we would both be unfulfilled sexually.
(2) Open things her side, but only for women, and keep things closed my side - this would be manageable on my side from a jealousy point of view and would let her satisfy her same-sex-attraction, but would not give her as much freedom as she would ideally like, and would leave me unfulfilled sexually. It's not exactly "unfair" on me, since presumably I would be allowed to sleep with men - but being straight this is obviously no use to me.
(3) Open things up both sides, but again only for women - this would be much better for me than option (2), but has the risk of being unfair on her - why should she be restricted but not me?
(4) Open things up fully on both sides. This is "fairest", but I have to be honest that I'm not sure I could cope with it.
(5) Limit our outside sexual encounters to threesomes with another woman. I'd probably be happy with this (and it would probably ease my jealousy/fears since there would be no "unknown" element), but my wife would feel a bit "constrained" if I was present.
(6) We separate, and find partners better suited. But as I mentioned (and we've talked about this) we would rather stay together and stick with option (1) than do that.
Does anyone have any advice/experiences to share?
Thanks very much
I'm hoping for a bit of wisdom, or at least a sanity check!
I'm male, 40, married and straight. My wife is 39 and recently declared as bisexual (I was entirely unaware when we got married in our mid-twenties).
I won't go into the details now (although I can, if it helps), but basically our position is this:
(a) We are very happy together generally, with sex/sexuality issues the only problem area. We are both dead set on remaining together.
(b) My wife is definitely bisexual rather than gay, as she had a short affair a little over a year ago with a male, as well as with a female a month or so before that. Our relationship was in dire straits at the time, much of which was my fault, and all is forgiven now!
(c) Our sex life is infrequent, and poor quality, because she is not really sexually attracted to me anymore. We spent years trying to fix this, but its just not fixable.
(d) She would like to be able to have the relationship open on her side, to be able to sleep with women. I think I can live with this, although I have to say I'm probably not built for non-monogamy so jealousy is likely to be a bit of an issue for me.
(e) She would ideally also like to be able to sleep with other men, although she is less fussed about this. I don't think I could live with this. I'm not sure I can explain why this is different for me, but it is. I am in a position to judge my own feelings from this based on experience, since her affair with a man hit me MUCH harder, even though it was actually a lot less significant in terms of scope.
(f) Although I'd be happy with just my wife if she was actually interested in me, as she isn't, I feel like I would like to be able to sleep with other women too. My wife isn't keen on this, and particularly not if she is restricted not to be able to sleep with other men.
So...what do we do?!
The options seem to be:
(1) Remain monogamous - this would be "fair", but we would both be unfulfilled sexually.
(2) Open things her side, but only for women, and keep things closed my side - this would be manageable on my side from a jealousy point of view and would let her satisfy her same-sex-attraction, but would not give her as much freedom as she would ideally like, and would leave me unfulfilled sexually. It's not exactly "unfair" on me, since presumably I would be allowed to sleep with men - but being straight this is obviously no use to me.
(3) Open things up both sides, but again only for women - this would be much better for me than option (2), but has the risk of being unfair on her - why should she be restricted but not me?
(4) Open things up fully on both sides. This is "fairest", but I have to be honest that I'm not sure I could cope with it.
(5) Limit our outside sexual encounters to threesomes with another woman. I'd probably be happy with this (and it would probably ease my jealousy/fears since there would be no "unknown" element), but my wife would feel a bit "constrained" if I was present.
(6) We separate, and find partners better suited. But as I mentioned (and we've talked about this) we would rather stay together and stick with option (1) than do that.
Does anyone have any advice/experiences to share?
Thanks very much