My wife and I started dating a woman together. She has a lot of experience with polyamory and in leadership in my local poly Meetup group. I started falling for her hard and fast but found her communication style was incompatible with my communication needs. We had started (I thought) dating and speculating dating three different times over the past year and a half. Each time things would end due to her apparent lack of interest or consideration. One time she just flat out ghosted. The second time she stopped replying and said she was backing off then didn’t reply for a couple weeks. The last time we met, negotiated a relationship agreement/terms regarding response times. (I have some personal challenges with perceived neglect and so long as there is a previously agreed upon amount of wait time, I can handle it but it is difficult for me. In this case she said she could reply within 24 hrs. I texted her asking if she would like to meet for coffee one day and she took two days to send a generic text saying she was super busy and likely wouldn’t be any less busy anytime soon. I had previously tried scheduling a phone call previously to discuss misgivings I had about what appeared to me as lack of interest vs my infatuation.
So after the breach in agreement, generic reply I waited a few days and sat with my feelings. I texted her that I can not continue in the relationship and this would be my last correspondence. She indicated that she thought that was harsh and would have preferred I talk to her. I said I had tried.
Anyways, fast forward a few months and we ran into each other, her, her boyfriend, me and my wife. She seemed surprised and not particularly friendly or pleased to see me. It was at a concert and she later talked to my wife. She ended up taking me by the hand and hugging me and wife together. After the show she and wife discussed getting together sometime. With me she hugged me then told me I was a real jerk. I acknowledged her feelings were hurt but tried to share I had tried. Anyway, didn’t leave things warm and fuzzy but we did talk about getting together for coffee. I texted that evening I was glad we ran into each other and she never replied (shocker). She was exceptionally drunk and it’s possible she didn’t mean the good things she said when we were talking or forgot she said them.
Sooooo. Wife says she is interested in dating her and I’m trying to be kind and loving. Trying to give her the freedom I would like to get from my wife. I am ok most of the time but find it particularly difficult as 1) this will be the first separate dating either of us have done, 2) I don’t feel great about her dating someone I struggled to get over, 3) she wants to date someone who right off the bat thinks I’m a jerk, I feel unhappy about this choice but I have shared as much and said she is welcome to date her if she wants.
So, poly people, any similar experiences? Can you share any mantras you used to help with the discomfort?
I imagine any first like this is going to be challenging but It is extra challenging when feelings remain. Both hurt and affection.
So after the breach in agreement, generic reply I waited a few days and sat with my feelings. I texted her that I can not continue in the relationship and this would be my last correspondence. She indicated that she thought that was harsh and would have preferred I talk to her. I said I had tried.
Anyways, fast forward a few months and we ran into each other, her, her boyfriend, me and my wife. She seemed surprised and not particularly friendly or pleased to see me. It was at a concert and she later talked to my wife. She ended up taking me by the hand and hugging me and wife together. After the show she and wife discussed getting together sometime. With me she hugged me then told me I was a real jerk. I acknowledged her feelings were hurt but tried to share I had tried. Anyway, didn’t leave things warm and fuzzy but we did talk about getting together for coffee. I texted that evening I was glad we ran into each other and she never replied (shocker). She was exceptionally drunk and it’s possible she didn’t mean the good things she said when we were talking or forgot she said them.
Sooooo. Wife says she is interested in dating her and I’m trying to be kind and loving. Trying to give her the freedom I would like to get from my wife. I am ok most of the time but find it particularly difficult as 1) this will be the first separate dating either of us have done, 2) I don’t feel great about her dating someone I struggled to get over, 3) she wants to date someone who right off the bat thinks I’m a jerk, I feel unhappy about this choice but I have shared as much and said she is welcome to date her if she wants.
So, poly people, any similar experiences? Can you share any mantras you used to help with the discomfort?
I imagine any first like this is going to be challenging but It is extra challenging when feelings remain. Both hurt and affection.