What am I missing here or overlooking

Hi Belladonna,

It sounds like things are going better; that's good to hear. Keep the communication going, keep working on those individual issues.

Regards,
Kevin T.


It is. I am working on my boundaries and needs.

I asked madmaxx to not tell me about the things he really likes to do with pip. I do not want to breed competition. It puts my mind in a funny place and even though we have sex together I still do not care to hear about his highlights.

I can honestly see why triads should not be done. 😂 they are super hard and so many different dynamics.

Her and I have worked out our issues. I would actually say we are the strongest at the moment but I also know that is not a competition and can change. Plus I do not want to compete with my husband with her.

Why do I keep bringing up competition? I can see how it can easy happen. And distroy everything.
 
Yeah, competition is a problem, in any poly relationship. If you are aware of it, you can avoid it. It sounds like you're getting things worked out with Madmaxx as well.
 
I prefer clarity also. I think Gala girl makes some great points; well articulated.

Before I was with either of my current partners, Jester and Boho, those two were "together" in an UN-defined relationship (I call it "FWB" in my profile/signature, for want of a better way to describe it.)

Back then, this lack of clarity manifested like so:

- Jester considered their relationship one of close "friends With benefits"; with emphasis on the "friends" aspect. While he liked Boho as a person very much, and enjoyed sexual intimacy with her if they happened to be spending time together in person... he was not "in love" with her.

- Boho, meanwhile, believed they were "lovers" in the sense that they truly were "in love" with each other - despite the fact that neither had declared any specific "relationship escalator"-type commitment beyond that they had a "special" friendship... nor had they a monogamous agreement (Boho being married and Jester having other casual sex partners, at the time).

The differences in the way they each viewed their "relationship"/friendship at this point may seem negligible - however the lack of any clearly defined feelings, agreements and future plans proved to be a source of pain and frustration when a new person arrived on the scene... as Boho had assumed she and Jester would simply carry on with their relationship "as is", despite any potential "outside" involvement, while as it turned out, Jester didn't share this perspective when reality bit.

I relate the above, Belladonna, because I really believe you three need to do some soul-searching AND continue to discuss your own individual wants, needs and boundaries with each other IF you're going to continue with the FWB/closed/poly-fidelitous aspect (including shared group sex) into the future.

However, if ALL of you cannot reach a consensus that is more "hell, yes!" than cautious or reluctant acceptance, then perhaps it is time to review this arrangement - if not overhaul it altogether and go back to BFF status while Pip looks for that monogamous male life partner she really seems to be after.


I do agree and think we need to so some soul searching and decide what we really want. I think fear really hold us back. I know it does for me. I believe that we are unsure as to what we want, we really fell into this in a way and are trying to make sense of it. It has also gone at warp speed.
 
Question about how to handle an emotion?

Madmaxx and I had a very close bond and intimacy. With pip in the picture that is now gone. How do I get that back and still keep them both? They are growing theirs and I am going mine with her but mine and his is at zero.

When she is not there we all talk in chat. Or he talks about her or I talk about her. I can see less talking but when its new its hard not to.
 
What was his answer when you asked HIM that very question?

At first he didn’t understand. But after I keep asking he understood. We are going to make sure we schedule dates with each other too.
 
Yeah, I was thinking scheduling dates might be the answer. Determine what you and Madmaxx do not now have, that you used to have before Pip. Date nights? Anything else?
 
Yeah, I was thinking scheduling dates might be the answer. Determine what you and Madmaxx do not now have, that you used to have before Pip. Date nights? Anything else?


We gave up most date nights a while ago for pip but we also were not in an actual relationship with her.
Now its twice a week with overnights.

Planning. It seems we plan almost everything together now.

Also our own personal sex life is down.
 
How long have you been together? Sometimes things just cool off after awhile. As long as you still have a sex life with each other, you're probably okay, although there may be things you can do to spice things up. I just think the main thing is emotional intimacy. Opportunities to talk in a relaxed environment.
 
How long have you been together? Sometimes things just cool off after awhile. As long as you still have a sex life with each other, you're probably okay, although there may be things you can do to spice things up. I just think the main thing is emotional intimacy. Opportunities to talk in a relaxed environment.

Madmaxx and I have been together for 17 years and have known each other for a little over 19 years. We were good friends before dating.
 
I think that, whether or not you or Madmaxx are "in love" with Pip (and from what you tell us, he isn't, though you may well be), you're both experiencing a form of NRE - i.e. new relationship energy - provided by the addition of this third party, who has transformed the old duo into the current, nebulous iteration.

In Madmaxx's case, the excitement seems mainly contained to bedroom activities - the thrill of threesome sex - although from what you say in your latest posts, it almost sounds like madmaxx may be "protesting too much" when he claims he's mainly excited by the idea of YOU having a girlfriend. (Is it possible he doesn't want to admit having loving feelings towards Pip himself, in case you take it badly and put an end to the "fun"?)

If Pip has taken to waking HIM up via sexual manoeuvres - but neither of them does similar with YOU - I can see why you may feel left out and jealous.

While on that subject, why is it necessary for you ALL to sleep together in the same bed ALL of the time... and do you think it's healthy for your relationship to ONLY engage in threesome sex (no matter how exciting it may be)?

Personally, kitchen table poly or not, I do not think this current "all or nothing" version is going to be sustainable in the long term. I think jealousy is a pretty natural emotion, especially under these circumstances, where you've gone from having a long-term mono partner + a platonic best friend... to suddenly being expected to share your entire life, including your bed and every sexual experience, with this other person, with virtually no privacy or Belladonna/Madmaxx time.

Do you think that, perhaps, after seventeen years together, the spark had gone out between you and madmaxx, without either of you really realising it... and in some way Pip is being used (not in a callous or deliberate way) as a "prescription" to reignite some excitement (?) Except, again without realising it, this has unintentionally cause your connection to each other to falter.
 
I think that, whether or not you or Madmaxx are "in love" with Pip (and from what you tell us, he isn't, though you may well be), you're both experiencing a form of NRE - i.e. new relationship energy - provided by the addition of this third party, who has transformed the old duo into the current, nebulous iteration.

In Madmaxx's case, the excitement seems mainly contained to bedroom activities - the thrill of threesome sex - although from what you say in your latest posts, it almost sounds like madmaxx may be "protesting too much" when he claims he's mainly excited by the idea of YOU having a girlfriend. (Is it possible he doesn't want to admit having loving feelings towards Pip himself, in case you take it badly and put an end to the "fun"?)

If Pip has taken to waking HIM up via sexual manoeuvres - but neither of them does similar with YOU - I can see why you may feel left out and jealous.

While on that subject, why is it necessary for you ALL to sleep together in the same bed ALL of the time... and do you think it's healthy for your relationship to ONLY engage in threesome sex (no matter how exciting it may be)?

Personally, kitchen table poly or not, I do not think this current "all or nothing" version is going to be sustainable in the long term. I think jealousy is a pretty natural emotion, especially under these circumstances, where you've gone from having a long-term mono partner + a platonic best friend... to suddenly being expected to share your entire life, including your bed and every sexual experience, with this other person, with virtually no privacy or Belladonna/Madmaxx time.

Do you think that, perhaps, after seventeen years together, the spark had gone out between you and madmaxx, without either of you really realising it... and in some way Pip is being used (not in a callous or deliberate way) as a "prescription" to reignite some excitement (?) Except, again without realising it, this has unintentionally cause your connection to each other to falter.


Why do we sleep in the same bed? It is only a couple of times a week, otherwise she is at her house and we are at ours. My stomach hurt the other day and I left the bedroom and did not wake them. They woke up and came looking for me. So I am not sure how that will look in the future.

I have asked her how she feels about being intimate alone and she said she is not interested in that and that if she was alone with madmaxx she would probably not do anything either. They rode together the other day to come pick me up and he said it was like they were just friends in the car and talked. But I did notice the moment I got into the car the sexual tension spiked up between us all.

The spark, no. Before her we were having sex almost every day. We have a very erotic sex life and also do/did things that she will not be invited to do. Not because its a couple privlege thing but because both of us are very open with each other about our sexuality and are not ok with sharing that with anyone else. (Ie there are things I do for him and vice versa that we do care to tell anyone) (he is pansexual)
 
Can I ask, how often do you and Madmaxx have sex now? now that Pip is in the picture? and, has the quality of your sex with Madmaxx declined in any way? What about the threesomes, does that happen twice a week? Just trying to get a picture of your current status -- apologies if I am overly prying.
 
Can I ask, how often do you and Madmaxx have sex now? now that Pip is in the picture? and, has the quality of your sex with Madmaxx declined in any way? What about the threesomes, does that happen twice a week? Just trying to get a picture of your current status -- apologies if I am overly prying.


We have sex alone maybe once a week now. (Me and madmaxx)
Him and I mix it up as far as what we do in the bedroom. Our level of kink is very high and we feel very free to talk about anything in bed that is a fantasy of ours. I like pain so we do that sometimes, since he is pansexual we play that way sometimes. We have always been very lusty in bed. The only time that drops is when we are tired. And lately we are so tired.


When pip comes over we get very little sleep. Very little. Last week alone we had sex as a threesome 4 times and then me and him once. Considering he works weekends and I work weekdays. I am honestly so tired that the thought of when she comes over tomorrow night I am already tired for. She is coming over and then we leave at 3 am to take her to the airport on Wednesday, then we are picking her back up on friday. (This was planned well before the sex started)
 
It sounds like your involvement with Pip is taking up a lot of the time/energy that you used to have just for each other. If Pip gets four times in a week compared to your once, maybe the thing to do is pull back a little in the Pip area so that you'll have more of an equal amount of times just for each other. And then you wouldn't be quite so tired all the time. Does that make sense?
 
It sounds like your involvement with Pip is taking up a lot of the time/energy that you used to have just for each other. If Pip gets four times in a week compared to your once, maybe the thing to do is pull back a little in the Pip area so that you'll have more of an equal amount of times just for each other. And then you wouldn't be quite so tired all the time. Does that make sense?

That is exactly what I need. I am an introvert and need my alone time also.
I can already tell I am starting to get cranky from the lack of sleep.
 
I mean things with Pip sound pretty awesome, I'm thinking there are NRE fireworks and the three of you kind of got carried away with it. Hence, the lack of sleep. But you can only keep that up for so long, right? Sooner or later, you realize that you need your sleep.

And like you said, you need your alone time also.
 
Sounds like this pace is not sustainable. If you are feeling run down? You are overspending your time allowance. Not paying the rest/sleep "bill." It will come back to bite you.

You have to sit down and plan where you are going to spend your time. Just like you would sit down and plan where you spend your money. We are all not gazillionaires. And even those get only 24 hours in a day. The same time budget everyone else gets.

You HAVE to sleep daily to meet that physical need. So this time "bill" is paid daily.

Each of you needs time alone to recharge you batteries and rest mentally and emotionally -- perhaps weekly doing the things you like.

Each dyad needs time alone. Probably weekly for you and max. However it is for the others. Not for only sharing sex, but spending time together, checking in, etc.

  • You + Maddmax
  • You + Pip
  • You + Madmaxx

The trio needs time together -- sounds like you enjoy being together for group sex and in general. Perhaps this is a weekly/monthly?

I get that the NRE high is new and exciting and that excitement can make up for some lost sleep at the beginning. But sooner or later it has to come down to something more doable and more realistic.

Seeing someone doesn't have to come at a cost of dinging your health and well being.

Galagirl
 
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Sounds like this pace is not sustainable. If you are feeling run down? You are overspending your time allowance. Not paying the rest/sleep "bill." It will come back to bite you.

You have to sit down and plan where you are going to spend your time. Just like you would sit down and plan where you spend your money. We are all not gazillionaires. And even those get only 24 hours in a day. The same time budget everyone else gets.

You HAVE to sleep daily to meet that physical need. So this time "bill" is paid daily.

Each of you needs time alone to recharge you batteries and rest mentally and emotionally -- perhaps weekly doing the things you like.

Each dyad needs time alone. Probably weekly for you and max. However it is for the others. Not for only sharing sex, but spending time together, checking in, etc.

  • You + Maddmax
  • You + Pip
  • You + Madmaxx

The trio needs time together -- sounds like you enjoy being together for group sex and in general. Perhaps this is a weekly/monthly?

I get that the NRE high is new and exciting and that excitement can make up for some lost sleep at the beginning. But sooner or later it has to come down to something more doable and more realistic.

Seeing someone doesn't have to come at a cost of dinging your health and well being.

Galagirl


Thank you and you are right. I am taking off Thursday, getting a sitter and me and madmaxx are sleeping.

It doesnt help I also have a crazy personal life. (I work 4/10 shifts and am a year away from a psychology BA, oh and two kids)
Madmaxx is also in a similar boat (self employeed)
Pip is the only one that has time (single, no children)
 
Well, you have a lot on your plate. And maybe Pip doesn't even realize she's kind of wearing you guys out. I think it's a good idea to take a day off and get some sleep.
 
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