New to this: Am I Poly or just into threesomes?

Djm2018

New member
Me (F) and my husband have been married for 5 years. We have had a threesome with a girlfriend from my work. However, I felt a little jealous when I saw him touching her, jealous but extremely turned on. We quit seeing her two years ago, although in heated moments in bed we would talk about those nights with her....
I just recently ran into her again. She is in love with me, which is why we endes it before bc my husband coukdnt deal with that.
Since then, me and my husband have grown in oyr relationship and are more secure. We habe talked openly about everything to her and about the relationship. We have spent the last few weekends with her, enjoying being out and in the bed. It has increased our sex life and we see this being a long term thing. Personally, I would move her in with us, not sure how my hubby would feel about that, he likes the occasional thing, but he tries to make sure that I always feel like his main focus. Which doesn't bother her bc she is in love with me, likes him, but loves me. So we all are satisfied and love were we are currently at.
I guess I'm confused if this is polyamory or something else.
 
It might be. It might not be. Try dating and see how it goes. Not just having sex, but dating.
 
NRE is a bad time to take major decisions (like moving her into your home). You are likely to embrace the change and rapidly add her to your life and your husband is likely to feel threatened by it.

Take it slow. Build properly. Reassure your husband. Define how she fits in your life instead of spilling all over it (like living in your home from the start). Make sure she doesn't take up your husband's space as far as possible. You have a better chance of making it work if your husband isn't spooked by your pace.

It will also help your relationship with her to have a husband free space to conduct it in, so you don't have to keep half an eye on his reactions to all you do all the time and can be with her more spontaneously.
 
Polyamory to me means many loves. I'm not sure this group shares love. I notice you don't mention who you love in your post. I could be wrong, but it sounds like what you three mostly share at this time is group sex. Which is fine, if everyone is happy with that. I would call it "Open" rather than "Poly."

I could be wrong, but here is how it sounds to me...

  • You enjoy group sex. And you like her, but are not in love with her.
  • Husband enjoys occasional group sex. Not into anything more than that. He is not in love with her. He loves you.
  • She loves you. She likes him, and is ok doing group sex to get to be with you again.

If that all makes you guys happy? Carry on. Don't over think it, but maintain your own homes/spaces. It is too soon to be talking about moving in together.

I think before living together, you could let a year or two go by to make sure you all are deeply compatible and are not making decisions in NRE.

You could also get to know each other better and what this all is.

If this becomes a long term thing, what kind of long term thing is this? A group sex partner who comes over regularly, but mainly just for weekend fun? Or something more like a girlfriend? Something else?

Is this only about group sex on the weekends she comes over? What about sex with just you and her? Or just you and him? Or just him and her? What if she wants to share sex with another lover that is not you and not him?

If it has to end again... what are the deal breakers? And how do you guys want it to end? In person? On the phone? By email? Something else?

Galagirl
 
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That's great advice. Like I said I'm new to this, but want to explore deeper in this relationship. I believe that it could evolve into a permanent relationship with the three of us, each involved with each other and together. After reading many other threads, I'm definitely not risking into living arrangements in any near future.
I appreciate your advice and questions, has really helped me to think about things I haven't considered.
 
GalaGirl provided you with a lot of pertinent food for thought.

Also, be wary of using this woman, even unintentionally, because you (and your husband) enjoy the group sex aspect.

You broke things off with her a few years ago because she was in love with you and your husband couldn't handle that. Now he thinks he can...

However, you still don't specify how YOU feel about HER. Do you feel the same way about her as she does about you, or similarly? (Are you in love with her?/Do you love her back?)

If not, does she KNOW you don't?? Because if she's labouring under some misapprehension that this is a lot more than just hot sex with close friends, then you're potentially doing her a great disservice. Think it through.

If neither you nor your husband love this woman, then no, I wouldn't class it as polyamory.
 
No, I don't feel at all in the slightest that we are using her. We hang out in the weekends without anything sexual. We truly enjoy her company. I can't say I'm in love with her bc I have a hard time with that, however I care tremendously for her, we talk about everything, openly and honestly, we are close friends as well. Her and my hubby get along really well.
I think the first time we tried things, that we were newly married and there were some insecurities from the past. So now that we are more established and trust each other, having her back in our lives has been great.
She knows what she wants, she knows what we want, and it all lines up. We all want this a permanent relationship. She isn't interested in others, she wants to be apart of us, as an equal. (I have been discussing alot of this with her over the last couple of days lol)
I guess my big confusion is, not really knowing where to go from here. What is some advice you could give to us?
 
Could discuss "equal" and what it means to each.

Equal HOW?

Because it's not like she gets to marry either of you. That's already not equal. You are already married to each other. And most countries/places only allow 1 spouse at a time. And being married gives the spouse "standing" in certain situations that other partner's will not get. Like visiting in hospital -- spouse is next of kin.

If you want this to be a permanent relationship in future... talk about it. Just like you did with spouse before you married him.

If you guys redecorate the living room, does she get a vote on what color the couch should be? Or not because even though she hangs out there a lot, it's not her home?

If one of you gets a career transfer.... does that mean all follow? Or break up? Or what?

How do kids fit in or not?

What about being out to relatives/friends? Are there expectations to share holidays and bring partners around to them?

At this time she's not interested in others. Neither are you two. What happens if anyone of of the three becomes interested later on? Then what? Is that a deal breaker?

You do not have to have it all solved NOW this minute. But view it more as part of getting to know each other better and letting this evolve as it will.

Galagirl
 
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I can't say I'm in love with her bc I have a hard time with that,

I'm going to ask you several questions, Djm, which you can answer here or simply reflect upon without answering here. It's your choice. I think it's good to reflect on the questions regardless. You may not wish to share your answers with us, and that's fine.

You said, "I have a hard time with that." But the reader here may have barely a clue what, in particular, you have a hard time with.

Some possibilities:

  • a hard time falling in love, generally
  • a hard time falling in love with another person while married to yet another
  • a hard time falling in love with a person of the same sex
  • some combination of the above
  • none of the above

I want to introduce a vocabulary term which, unfortunately gets little use: biamory (or biamorous).

Lots of folks complain when a plethora of neologisms come rolling in, but I find the term exceptionally useful. I mean, if the term "bisexual" is useful, then the term biamorous is at least as useful. Here's why:

Not everyone who is bisexual is also biamorous.

Some people are both bisexual and biamorous.

Bisexuals are those who are sexually attracted to people of either of the two sexes. (There are also folks who designate themselves as pansexual, meaning basically that they are attracted to any class of humans, be they male, female or trans-, or non-binary....)

But biamorous people are "romantically" attracted to persons of either sex, meaning they are prone to falling in love with persons of either sex.
 
Hello Djm2018,

It sounds like you're borderline poly; or, you're in a FWB situation with your girlfriend. And maybe later on you hope to be in a triad type configuration. But for now you mostly just like the friendships and the threesomes.

I guess my suggestion would be, don't try to force anything, just let the situation evolve naturally as it will. Keep the channels of communication open; talk with your husband and your girlfriend, talk a lot about the way things are, and how you'd all like it to be.

If you'll keep us posted going forward, we can give you updated advice. I wish you nothing but the best in your newfound trio.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Reading this is exactly what I looking for

My wife and I have been married over 15yrs. She has a female friend of 8 yrs that has always taking a liking to her but never really acted on it. Her friend has been in several relationshios with guys and gals but none have ever worked for her. Thinking your gay then bi she is utterly confused. Until she read about polyamory and tells ME that's exactly who she is. She wants a relation with gal and guy. She's had threesome but says it was more f2f. So she has always fantasized about my wife even when been with other gals. Today she told me last nite by herself was with both of my wife and I. So I'm like oh what do I do now. She definitely wants my wife and will have me also so I'm kind of stuck. Is she a beauty queen not really. If I was single would I try date her most likely. We've all did things together and always had fun but never bedroom stuff
 
My wife and I have been married over 15yrs. She has a female friend of 8 yrs that has always taking a liking to her but never really acted on it. Her friend has been in several relationshios with guys and gals but none have ever worked for her. Thinking your gay then bi she is utterly confused. Until she read about polyamory and tells ME that's exactly who she is. She wants a relation with gal and guy. She's had threesome but says it was more f2f. So she has always fantasized about my wife even when been with other gals. Today she told me last nite by herself was with both of my wife and I. So I'm like oh what do I do now. She definitely wants my wife and will have me also so I'm kind of stuck. Is she a beauty queen not really. If I was single would I try date her most likely. We've all did things together and always had fun but never bedroom stuff


Sex changes everything.

Before you go further there are things to ask your self and they should do the same.

Would you date her separately if you were not married. (You already answered this but think more about it)
Because she is a friend her quirks may not bother you but once in a relationship you will see your friend in a different light.

Where do you see this threesome going. What happens if its not equal. Do you stop. Can one of you date alone? Is everyone on that same page, because when feeling happen that could change.

Have you two had threesomes before?

I dont mean to sound harsh. Just want to let you know things can be difficult after sex happens. Its not always fun. It can be great but like any relationship its also work.

Before jumping into bed I would suggest actual dating. I understand that you guys have been friends for a long time but dating is different. Before you two were the unit. Once you date her and then have sex now it is a 3 person unit.
 
Sex changes everything.

Just for the record - this is true much (most?) of the time, but not always. For myself, sex does not necessarily "change everything", it is FEELINGS that change everything. For some people, like myself, sex is just sex. For many people, having sex does lead to feelings, so if that changes things on the part of ANY of the participants then it does, in fact, "change everything"

Before you go further there are things to ask your self and they should do the same.

True.

Would you date her separately if you were not married. (You already answered this but think more about it)
.

This is a fine question, but the answer isn't necessarily straight forward. Say you wouldn't date her separately if you weren't married? So what? You are married so that is just some information to be aware of. I wouldn't have dated Lotus's husband TT separately but was fine with both of us since we weren't interested in "dating" just fooling around - which was fun!


Because she is a friend her quirks may not bother you but once in a relationship you will see your friend in a different light

Just because you have sex doesn't necessary mean that you are "in a relationship", or to put it a different way, you are already "in a relationship" if you are in a "friendship" - having sex doesn't necessarily mean that you are in a "romantic relationship" unless you both agree that you are - communication about expectations is key here.



Where do you see this threesome going. What happens if its not equal. Do you stop. Can one of you date alone? Is everyone on that same page, because when feeling happen that could change.

1.) Threesomes (or any other situation) are not required to "go anywhere".
2.) Threesomes (or any other configuration) are not required to be "equal" (and, likely, will NOT be equal - all persons being different).
3.) Being on the same page is good.

...

Before jumping into bed I would suggest actual dating. I understand that you guys have been friends for a long time but dating is different. Before you two were the unit. Once you date her and then have sex now it is a 3 person unit.

a.) You are not required to date someone to have sex with them - although that is a common enough scenario.

b.) Nope, not a believer in the "3 person unit" - or even the "2 person unit". Each person is their own unit and they have whatever relationship that they have with each other person in romantic or sexual relationships just like we do in in family relationships or friend relationships. The people may overlap but the relationships are between two people.

PS. Sorry to be contrarion, I know this is the poly boards but some of us can identify as poly and still believe that sex =/= love and that is OK.
 
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