Hi all, I'm new here, but I've been reading a bunch. I (44, F) am in a new long distance open relationship with a man I'll call Jack (44, M). We met about four months ago in my town when he was visiting, and it became clear to both of us quickly that this could be a significant relationship. We are in touch daily about everything including dating (he's got that compersion thing down; I'm struggling with some jealousy but working on it) and we visit monthly. We are open because of the distance and also because we're both recently out of long-term marriages and we don't want to limit ourselves right now. We are hoping he will move to my town in another year or so, and we might be non-monogamous then but we'll figure that out down the road. We were both involved with other people when we met, but nothing serious. With new people, we disclose our open relationship early in interactions (we've both done this).
My question is about the existing relationships. Before I knew Jack, I started seeing "Max," who I now see about once a week for a date and sex. We have discussed that we don't really see long term monogamous potential for us (I think that's something he wants for himself eventually) and we are explicitly non-exclusive. Max is aware that there's a "guy out of town" I've been dating, but he doesn't know much more than that; I know he's also dating. Because of the timing of our dates, Max hasn't been aware when I've left town to visit Jack, and I haven't called attention to it. Max and I are very affectionate and romantic when we are together but we aren't in contact very often between dates.
Jack has had an FWB situation with "Kate" since a month or so before he met me (that's his description of it). They see each other every other week or so, usually dinner and sex but sometimes it's a longer date. They had a very short "friends with benefits" conversation early on and they don't generally discuss other people they may or may not be dating; he's thought they had an informal DADT situation. They are in touch pretty frequently, however, texting regularly throughout the week, and my sense is that she contacts him when she's stressed and wants support, in addition to other times. It's become clear that Kate wants more with Jack. She recently asked if he wanted to eventually be long term and monogamous with her and seemed to be close to breaking things up if not. He said he didn't want more than FWB, but he also hasn't told her about me. She decided to continue seeing him and more recently again indicated interest in a more serious, longer term, likely monogamous relationship with him. The non-disclosure of our relationship makes me uncomfortable, and I'm trying to work through this.
Max isn't aware of the extent of my relationship with Jack, but Max and I are also very much on the same page about our relationship and its potential. So this is confusing.
On the one hand, I feel like I should trust Jack to manage his own relationships, especially one that existed before I knew him. On the other hand, I feel like it's disrespectful to Kate and me not to disclose. He's been acknowledged in my relationships with others while I'm invisible in his relationship with Kate. I also have empathy for Kate, as a woman who has wanted more with a man than he wanted. In Kate's situation, I would be pretty hurt and maybe embarrassed to find out about me. It's not that Jack doesn't want a long-term, serious relationship; it's that he doesn't want it with her. He does like and respect her, though. At first I thought my feelings were from jealousy, which I've struggled with, but now I think it's more than that. I'm not sure Kate would want to continue with Jack if she knew he was working towards a serious, long-term relationship with someone else, and shouldn't that be her decision?
We are talking about this situation and trying to figure out how to move forward. I'm sure he's concerned about losing that relationship, which he values. This is my first more serious non-monogamous relationship, and I'm still figuring out boundaries. I trust Jack, but I'm concerned that he's so worried about losing this relationship that he's not being as honest with Kate as he should be. Is that even my business, though? Is it reasonable to want your partner to disclose your relationship to others, even when those were already-existing relationships? Would that mean I would need to have another conversation with Max about Jack (which I'm willing to do)?
My question is about the existing relationships. Before I knew Jack, I started seeing "Max," who I now see about once a week for a date and sex. We have discussed that we don't really see long term monogamous potential for us (I think that's something he wants for himself eventually) and we are explicitly non-exclusive. Max is aware that there's a "guy out of town" I've been dating, but he doesn't know much more than that; I know he's also dating. Because of the timing of our dates, Max hasn't been aware when I've left town to visit Jack, and I haven't called attention to it. Max and I are very affectionate and romantic when we are together but we aren't in contact very often between dates.
Jack has had an FWB situation with "Kate" since a month or so before he met me (that's his description of it). They see each other every other week or so, usually dinner and sex but sometimes it's a longer date. They had a very short "friends with benefits" conversation early on and they don't generally discuss other people they may or may not be dating; he's thought they had an informal DADT situation. They are in touch pretty frequently, however, texting regularly throughout the week, and my sense is that she contacts him when she's stressed and wants support, in addition to other times. It's become clear that Kate wants more with Jack. She recently asked if he wanted to eventually be long term and monogamous with her and seemed to be close to breaking things up if not. He said he didn't want more than FWB, but he also hasn't told her about me. She decided to continue seeing him and more recently again indicated interest in a more serious, longer term, likely monogamous relationship with him. The non-disclosure of our relationship makes me uncomfortable, and I'm trying to work through this.
Max isn't aware of the extent of my relationship with Jack, but Max and I are also very much on the same page about our relationship and its potential. So this is confusing.
On the one hand, I feel like I should trust Jack to manage his own relationships, especially one that existed before I knew him. On the other hand, I feel like it's disrespectful to Kate and me not to disclose. He's been acknowledged in my relationships with others while I'm invisible in his relationship with Kate. I also have empathy for Kate, as a woman who has wanted more with a man than he wanted. In Kate's situation, I would be pretty hurt and maybe embarrassed to find out about me. It's not that Jack doesn't want a long-term, serious relationship; it's that he doesn't want it with her. He does like and respect her, though. At first I thought my feelings were from jealousy, which I've struggled with, but now I think it's more than that. I'm not sure Kate would want to continue with Jack if she knew he was working towards a serious, long-term relationship with someone else, and shouldn't that be her decision?
We are talking about this situation and trying to figure out how to move forward. I'm sure he's concerned about losing that relationship, which he values. This is my first more serious non-monogamous relationship, and I'm still figuring out boundaries. I trust Jack, but I'm concerned that he's so worried about losing this relationship that he's not being as honest with Kate as he should be. Is that even my business, though? Is it reasonable to want your partner to disclose your relationship to others, even when those were already-existing relationships? Would that mean I would need to have another conversation with Max about Jack (which I'm willing to do)?
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