Why can't I stop hating her?

PoIyAnna

New member
I've been poly for a couple of years now. Just before becoming poly my husband and I were swingers. We ventured into polyamory because we discovered that we really enjoyed significant relationships much more than swinging. My husband decided to see a girl whom he lied to me for several months about having feelings for. That didn't go well and I felt ultimately betrayed by them both. She moved away and he was broken-hearted. It hurt me to see how much he cared about her and that they were both willing to lie to me about it. He says that he did it because he wasn't sure how to break the news to me because those feelings were very new for him. After a couple months and some therapy we decided to move forward and give polyamory a shot. We met a couple who we absolutely adored and things were great for a while, but the wife of that couple became quite a strain on all relationships involved. She eventually left my husband as well as her own. I continued dating her husband even though his marriage falling apart. My husband met someone new and I absolutely adored her. Much unlike his previous two choices. They have been seeing each other for a year and a half now and I really do like her. Unfortunately the girl from a few years ago has come back into the picture. They want to see each other and still claim to be madly in love but it's eating me alive. He wants to continue to see her and he knows that it hurts me, but he says he cannot help his feelings and I'm not coping with it well. I feel broken and Furious. I've become a person I don't know anymore. Filled with rage and hatred for this person. He Compares me to her and I feel like he's always trying to convince me how amazing she is. I feel like them being together is literally destroying our relationship. I don't know how to move forward so I can continue with my marriage and still allow them to be together. A part of me feels like I need to be in control of my own feelings and deal with them on my own, but a part of me also feels like my feelings should matter to him and he shouldn't be willing to toss them aside for someone he hasn't seen in 3 years. He is sent broken up with the woman that I adored so he can be with this other person. Unfortunately, he used me as a scapegoat to break up with her. He told her that his marriage was falling apart and that he needed to work on us, but in reality he wants this other girl to be his secondary. I'm so lost and confused. I don't know how to stop hating this person who I feel so betrayed by. I don't want to live with a marriage that I feel like is constantly being compared to something with unrealistic expectations. The new relationship energy is in full swing for them and I feel like with each argument with my husband, it's pushing him further away from me.
 
Have your husband and his on-again-off-again partner individually apologised for cheating on you and taken reasonable steps to regain your trust? There's no magic formula to suddenly make you ok with him hooking back up with her, but that would seem to be a first step.
 
The one thing I really dislike, or am at odds with, when it comes to polyamory, is the idea that a person's negative feelings are their responsibility to deal with, and theirs alone.

This is quite a common refrain among poly folk, and while it holds a lot of weight in many respects, it CAN leave a person (especially one who is already struggling emotionally due to a partner's bad behaviour/iffy choices) feeling even more isolated and like something is wrong with THEM because they're finding it hard to "deal with it" and get on with life.

While it's true that a spouse or partner doesn't really have control over who their S.O. chooses to date (and only limited say-so in the way they conduct their other relationships, depending on what agreements are in place)... ideally, EVERY person should treat their partner/s with loving kindness and respect their feelings and opinions.

This includes being open and honest in communication, keeping agreements and not making negative judgements or comparisons about one partner over another. (Making comparisons out loud is unnecessary, cruel and pretty immature.)

It also includes truly listening to one's partner's wishes and trying to understand why someTHING might be a boundary or soft/hard limit for them, or why someONE might make their "messy person" or veto list.

Where one partner has cheated, lied or been less than honest regarding a particular person, relationship or situation, I believe it is THEIR responsibility to "own" their bad behaviour, apologise sincerely, attempt to make amends to the "wronged" partner... and do their work on themselves to ensure such a situation never happens again.

The cheating partner need to understand that it was THEIR decision to be dishonest that has led to their partner's current, negative state of mind - and try to evaluate and re-dress whatever it was that caused the emotional fallout, even if they cannot actually CHANGE the way the other party feels.

In your case, PolyAnna... your husband was not only less than forthcoming about the nature of his relationship with the first girl at the time... but he also fudged the truth very recently once again, when he used YOU as the "bad cop" when breaking things off with his most recent girlfriend - the one you liked very much.

May I ask... what did he have to say for himself about that little ploy? :rolleyes::mad: Because it seems to me that that was a very disingenuous move on his part. Not only did he NOT have to take responsibility for dumping or downgrading this woman, he also (potentially?) sabotaged the good relationship/friendship that presumably existed between you and her.

Granted, love, or NRE, can be a formidable force, and people can do some odd things and make some not-so-wise choices while in its grip. But I think you need to consider whether your husband displays a recognisable pattern of avoiding responsibility and/or being less than honest... or if this sort of behaviour is limited ONLY to his relationship with THIS particular woman.


If the FORMER rings a bell... he has a lot of self-work to do (preferably with a therapist), and/or your MAY wish to re-consider if you ought to stay in a relationship with someone who puts your feelings so far down his list of priorities.

On the other hand, if the LATTER is the case, you two really need to sit down and have a serious discussion (possibly in the office of a couples' therapist or mediator, if he really refuses to hear you out) - rather than an argument - in which you firmly state your feelings; outlining the reasons for them, your BOUNDARIES and agreements in regards to his "new" relationship, and any consequences that might arise in the event of breaking these revised agreements.


You'd be within your rights to ask him NOT to continue with her at all, but ultimately there is no way to enforce that unless you are prepared to risk a break-up.. Still, if you feel strongly enough about it, you CAN ask. Or you may request that they slow things down to a pace you can deal with, for "x" amount of time. Tell him you don't want to hear about their exploits or how you "compare" to this woman in any way: that is between them, and not something YOU need to have in your head.

For all intents and purposes, your husband has already cheated with this woman in this past... and now he expects you to be A-OK with everything now they've reconciled and HE is happy with her. This is a LOT to ask of anyone, and he has to be made to understand that if he wishes to continue in BOTH relationships.
 
Last edited:
I'm so very sorry you struggle with this. :(

I feel broken and Furious. I've become a person I don't know anymore. Filled with rage and hatred for this person.

I'm so lost and confused. I don't know how to stop hating this person who I feel so betrayed by.

Know what? Be ok not liking her. Whatever happened in the past? I'm not hearing where she's done anything to earn your trust or liking. Your not liking her may be well founded.

I wonder if you are busy hating on her because it's easier to hate her right now. Rather than take a look at husband and be angry with him for his current behaviors. Maybe even hate him some for doing these things. Like it is easier to think she's a witch or something that's put him under a spell than to think "Whoa. Who IS this guy? Why's he treating me so bad for all that he claims to love me?"

Is something like that going on and part of the confusing feelings?

They want to see each other and still claim to be madly in love but it's eating me alive. He wants to continue to see her and he knows that it hurts me, but he says he cannot help his feelings and I'm not coping with it well.

He may not be able to help his feelings, but he CAN help his behavior.

  • He can choose to date her at this time like THIS and hurt you.
  • Or he can choose to refrain from dating her at this time and not hurt you.

That's about it to me.

I'm not hearing where he and this woman apologized for past behavior, asked for forgiveness, and opportunity to make ammends and try again on new footing with a clean slate. I'm hearing "Well, I'm not going to do any past repair work first. I'm just moving on to dating her whether you like it or not, full steam ahead!"

I don't know if this helps you any.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

If you started with swinging and later moved on to poly with him, despite his bungling things with this woman? The price of admission to get to poly with you may be giving this woman UP. If he's wanting to be with her again? Then he could give you up and stop dragging you through the mud like this. Or you could choose to remove your own self and bow out. The GF he dumped? She got off easier even if he lied to her about the reason for the break up. She gets to LEAVE this wacky. You are still in it. :(

I could be wrong. But all the rest sounds like he's blowing smoke at you to get his way so he can have both of you around. Or maybe bully you/wear you down enough so you say "Ok, whatever, date her" not because you love this but because you are tired and want the arguing, comparing, fussing, and all that to STOP. :(

It's not a nice way to treat a spouse. It's not a nice way to treat anyone.

He Compares me to her and I feel like he's always trying to convince me how amazing she is.

Could tell him "Stop comparing me to her" and leave the room. You don't have to sit there listening to that.

It may sound persnickety, but I think you could be very strict right now with your own words if he's blowing smoke at you. That's already confusing enough.
You don't need to add to the confusion pile. YKWIM? You need to keep your bearings straight right now as you navigate this mess.

  • Could use "I feel" for the emotions you are feeling
  • Could use "I think" for the thoughts you are thinking
  • Could use "I observe this behavior happening" or "I experience this happening" for the things that are actually happening to you or that you directly experience. You are not imagining things. Things ARE happening to you here.

Keep your own things super straight. Maybe even write things down as they happen so you know what order it came in.

I am hoping I am wrong but I have a bad feeling that he's going to make you start doubting your own self and your own perceptions. Like the big problem is you and your feelings rather than his provoking behaviors. :(

I could be wrong. But to me? It sounds like he knows he's doing a not very nice thing right now and you are being railroaded into something you do not want.

I feel like them being together is literally destroying our relationship.

I think his poor behavior choices is destroying your relationship with him and your warm feelings for him.

HOW he is going about them being together is not kind to you.

Kinder would be to apologize for the past, ask for forgiveness, try to make amends, and then see what could be worked out. And if she's become a hard limit person to you? He could respect that. He could accept that the remaining choices are (be with you honorably and give her up.) Or (give you up honorably and go be with her.) Not drag you through crap like this so he gets access to both.

It sounds like it's just about him and what he wants, screw anyone else. :(

I don't know how to move forward so I can continue with my marriage and still allow them to be together.

Then don't.

Could say "I do not consent to you taking up with your ex like this. I prefer to end the marriage so I can be free of these shenanigans and you can be free to do what you want."

A part of me feels like I need to be in control of my own feelings and deal with them on my own, but a part of me also feels like my feelings should matter to him and he shouldn't be willing to toss them aside for someone he hasn't seen in 3 years.

To me feelings ensue after behavior. So if he's doing provoking behavior and you end up feeling bad? You could ask him to stop doing that behavior around you so you can feel better. And if he doesn't? You could remove yourself from his vicinity so you become "undingable" and his behavior no longer can hurt you.

I would frame it this way:

I want my partner to take my feelings into account. They should matter to him and he shouldn't be willing to toss them aside lightly.

Right now, I don't have that in this particular spouse. This partner does not take my feelings into account. Repeatedly in various ways. He is willing to toss them aside lightly.

I need to be in control of my own feelings and deal with that on my own. So I need to evaluate my situation: Do I still want him to do the spouse job when he does provoking things like this? Or do I want to "fire" him from the position?

Some people act like once married, they have the job for life no matter how they behave. I don't hold with the "sealed for life" idea. I think it is possible for me to be "fired" from the spouse job if I start treating my husband in crap ways. Just like he knows he could be "fired" if he started treating me poorly.

He is sent broken up with the woman that I adored so he can be with this other person. Unfortunately, he used me as a scapegoat to break up with her. He told her that his marriage was falling apart and that he needed to work on us, but in reality he wants this other girl to be his secondary.

Sounds like you know he will lie or spin stories to get his way. And it sounds like you are not his primary. Or his secondary. I'm not really sure where you rank in this system. To me it sounds like his stuff is primary. What he wants comes first, screw anyone else.

I think to lessen your confusion you could stay focused on what YOU need to be well through this and past this. Whatever running around he's doing with whoever and whatever... you could keep your focus on YOUR well being, YOUR limits, YOUR boundaries.

You could tell him "No, you cannot date your ex with my glowing consent. So stop trying to "sell" her awesomeness to me. She could be AMAZING. But that doesn't change that YOU are doing poor behaviors toward me. Stop comparing me to her. Stop using me as excuse for you dumping your other GF when really it's because you want to be with this one. I cannot stop you from seeing her, but I don't have to pretend to love it either. I'm not up for this like this. Don't try to make it be like I am ok with it. I am not. I need time and space away from talking about this with you."

State your limits. ONCE. Then move on to assess if you want to stay here with him or not. Stay focused on that. On what YOU need to be well.

The new relationship energy is in full swing for them and I feel like with each argument with my husband, it's pushing him further away from me.

Hon, you wanting to discuss what is going on is reasonable. If you want to address how you are being treated poorly here? That is reasonable too.

If he makes it be an argument and blame shifts because he doesn't want to own his poor behavior? If when you bring it up he makes it be a long song and dance to make you tired and make you shut up about it? It's not you pushing him away. It's him avoiding connecting with you in an authentic way. It's him not wanting to hear your concerns.

If you don't want to be in a marriage where you are treated this way? Could stop being in it. I know that is sometimes easier said than done. But you don't sound like you are respected in this marriage much. That is a hard pill to swallow. Yet there it is. :(

I encourage you to see clear, keep your head on straight and try to get through this.

Whether it means a trial separation so he gets whatever out of his system or an outright divorce or something else....

You do not sound like you want to continue in a marriage like THIS where you are treated this poorly/taken for granted/not considered. :(

Something has to change. FWIW, remember that you matter, you have worth, dignity and value. Even if he's treating you poorly.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
You don't have to like your partner's partner, or ever want to associate with that person. But you do have to decide if you can have a relationship with someone who is so willing to disregard your feelings. You can't make him break up with her, but you can choose if his behavior is something you're willing to deal with.

Honestly, the fact that he wasn't even willing to be honest with his previous partner and lied to her about why he was breaking up with her is yet another sign, to me, of his inability to be honest when it means doing something tough or telling someone something they don't want to hear.

That doesn't bode well for his ability to practice ethical non-monogamy.
 
Hello PoIyAnna,

Your husband has lied to you, and to at least one other. He wants you to like this other woman, and is willing to push and push until you give in, but she has lied to you also. You don't trust her. Do you trust him? What will you do if he continues to see her?

I am thinking you are hating this other woman because you are overexposed to her. He is talking about her all the time. You need him to stop talking about her, whenever you are with him, and if he's going to carry on with her, you need him to do it in a way that leaves no evidence. Tell him this.

You are worried about pushing him away, but he is the one who is pushing you away. Can you stand this treatment much longer? Even if he is otherwise a wonderful man, and you are just venting ... it would be great if you could figure out how to move forward so you could continue with my marriage and still allow them to be together. But is that even possible?

You have some tough things to work out. I don't envy you. :(
Much regards,
Kevin T.
 
Jealousy and discomfort about another partner is natural and can be worked with. You don't have to hear about his partners at all, if you don't want to. Him keeping at you about how wonderful she is is inconsiderate behavior with you. And frankly, there are ways and ways of admiring someone. Whether you share the admiration or tell it as a comparison, for example.

That said, it will always be fine to have some people on a "not allowed" list. This would include people who have caused damage to your relationship in the past.

If Spexy tried to shove his cheating partner down my throat as a legit relationship just because we are poly, I'd kick him out. Whether it worked out with her or not. Either he accepts that cheating was dishonesty and we move toward repairing it, or he fixes our relationship only to render it unimportant again when the cheating partner returns on the scene.

Hurt me once, I forgive. Hit the same place again, I don't call it an unintended accident.

You have to decide how much crap you will take.
 
Why can’t I stop hating my friend

have a personal experience on this

During the toughest months of my life, I had a close friend who was seemingly enjoying hers with her new found friends. I felt left out and alone.

I didn't speak to her for a while. I ignored her messages and unfollowed her on social media. Eventually, I found my footing again but still couldn't forget what I felt before. I became cold and distant. Distant. That was what I felt and I was determined to return the favor.

Months passed then it became years. Eventually, my feelings thawed. I saw and realized that she continuously tried to reach out. I reached back.

I accepted my fault as well. I didn't tell her what I felt. I just did what I did. As much as I remember the feeling of being hurt, I knew I was also unfair. Despite of it all, she reached out. Constantly. I'm not sure I can do the same if I was in her place.

Time definitely healed me. I should have just told her what I felt instead of sulking in my anger. So much time wasted and I was the only one who knew of it.

Last year, we traveled internationally together. Just the two of us.:)
 
Back
Top