asking for advice on monogamous relationship - acceptable here?

My issue is this: we have agreed to take a month of separation, during which our relationship is done. We are not together. I need to unvelcro the connection, and spend time focusing on my own creative work. It's difficult, transitioning out of daily loving communication. We are not spending time together during this period. There are no assurances of future reconciliation.

He is finally bringing this up with his counselor, reading literature on the subject. He has expressed guilt, shame, remorse, a desire not to lose me, to retain our connection. I don't doubt those emotions. I do doubt that he will have the capacity to make any lasting change without months or years of honest therapy. He has stated that he wants to understand why he makes the choices he makes, why he self-sabotages. He wants to be a good partner, doesn't want to further abuse my trust.

I am very concerned that my natural desire for connection and love will lead me to empathize too strongly with his struggle. I fear that my pain will be secondary to his new self-examination. And I fear that he will do all the work and regain my trust, only to rinse and repeat. I have expressed this to him, and he claims to understand my fears.
 
Even if he intends to be honest in the future, even if he sincerely wants to, even if he thinks he can, he is addicted to dishonesty, and that addiction will not so easily go away. This is why you can't trust him, not because his heart isn't in the right place, but because he has a behavioral pattern that denotes a strong addiction. He is accustomed to being dishonest. It is a comfortable fit for him. How can you really know that he'll have the willpower to give that up?

And of course, what I'm describing is the best case scenario. The worst case scenario is that he has no intentions of being honest, he just intends to become a more skillful liar. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, assuming that's not the case. But at the least he is a lie addict. He has proven that. You have to decide how many times he can fall off the wagon before you've had enough. Right now you're already at that point. But if you decide to give him another chance, I'll support that. I just know that you won't want to spend your whole life that way.

I'm very sympathetic of your situation, you have some hard choices to make. And I'm not without sympathy for him, I just think that you shouldn't sacrifice yourself on his altar. He may need to hit bottom before he can get back up. :(
 
Even if he intends to be honest in the future, even if he sincerely wants to, even if he thinks he can, he is addicted to dishonesty, and that addiction will not so easily go away. This is why you can't trust him, not because his heart isn't in the right place, but because he has a behavioral pattern that denotes a strong addiction. He is accustomed to being dishonest. It is a comfortable fit for him. How can you really know that he'll have the willpower to give that up?

And of course, what I'm describing is the best case scenario. The worst case scenario is that he has no intentions of being honest, he just intends to become a more skillful liar. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, assuming that's not the case. But at the least he is a lie addict. He has proven that. You have to decide how many times he can fall off the wagon before you've had enough.

I want to second all that Kevin has said, above. ^

This is where I see your situation as being at, at the present time.

A couple of days ago you said you'd ended things with him... yet now you indicate that you're giving it a month to think things over. I'm wondering what the purpose of this month is, and if perhaps he will take this as unspoken confirmation that a reconciliation is not off the cards. :confused:

In any case, you've reached a fork in the road as far as decisions are concerned and whether or not you're willing to stick to your own boundaries, or whether your compassion for this ex-partner will lead you to giving him that "one more chance" to prove himself.

*********

Having been through a very similar situation, in which "the other women" were in fact drugs/addiction, which was the source of subsequent lies and obfuscation, may I repeat part of my earlier post:


He never did "devalue" me verbally, cheat or leave... but I just KNEW something was amiss. I could feel it.

Turns out, he WAS lying... had been for a long time. He'd relapsed and hadn't told me. It was plainly obvious, of course, but he had so many "legit" reasons for his behaviour: school, ill health, etc. There is nothing worse than being made to feel YOU are the crazy, distrustful one when someone ELSE is at fault for weaving a web of lies.

There is a chance your (ex) partner may truly change, MostlyMonogamish, and may indeed be doing the work to better himself via therapy (...) That does NOT mean you need to be his guinea pig (...) I would never want anyone to go down the road I did if it could be avoided.

Though we are still together, I only WISH I'd been firmer in my own boundaries, at the time, and not allowed someone else to pull the wool over my eyes (open though I'd THOUGHT they were!)

People who are dishonest by nature (either because of some inherent personality disorder, or as a learned defence mechanism) are very often immensely charming and convincing. It's their stock in trade after all.

From what I've learned, it is tremendously difficult to break people of such a habitual, ingrained behaviour - especially if they've been that way since childhood or adolescence - even with intensive therapy.

Love does NOT conquer all, unfortunately. :( It helps if the person truly loves YOU, however, and actually WANTS to change for themselves as well as for your sake, rather than just saying they do. (Though that begs the question - how does one know??)

Only time will tell. Yet YOU do not have to give them this time - your time. As I said, let him do the work on his own. And let his future life and actions be the proof of this change. You run a great risk by giving him the chance to experiment using your time, emotions and good will.

Whatever you decide to do, long term, I'd definitely advise you to hold off on any future plans to live together or marry. This man is NOT ready for such a commitment.
 
I am very concerned that my natural desire for connection and love will lead me to empathize too strongly with his struggle. I fear that my pain will be secondary to his new self-examination. And I fear that he will do all the work and regain my trust, only to rinse and repeat.

To have a natural desire for connection and love is human. We all have this.
What you are describing here is co-dependence.
 
I am very concerned that my natural desire for connection and love will lead me to empathize too strongly with his struggle.

It is possible to sympathize and empathize with his struggle without going back to dating him again.

I think most people want love and connection. When you are healed from the break up, and ready to date again, you can move on to develop love and connection with more compatible people who treat you as you want to be treated and actually keep their agreements with you.

Here he's made a new agreement (month of separation) and he's already breaking it again. (telling you stuff, trying to reconnect.)

I fear that my pain will be secondary to his new self-examination.

Are you saying you will put your attention more on helping him do his self examination work rather than put your attention on helping you heal your pain and avoiding any future pain? If so...Why would you do that? :confused:

If you guys are broken up and agree to do a month of no contact and breaking agreement to call you and to tell you his latest realizations?

It's ok to say "We are broken up. I cannot be doing this. Please do not call me. Call someone else to process with. Next time I do not answer." Then follow through= by blocking the number for a month so YOU maintain the month of separation even if he doesn't.

Enforce your personal boundaries.

And I fear that he will do all the work and regain my trust, only to rinse and repeat.

You are the person in charge of you. If you don't want to deal in "rinse and repeat" it is ok to not date him any more or even talk to him anymore.

If he asks you out again, you can say "No, thank you. That chapter of our life is closed. Please do not ask again." Then there is no chance "rinse and repeat."

You write as though you will be helpless against him asking you out. And if he does ask, it's a forgone conclusion that you will say "yes." Why is this?

No break up is fun, and I can only imagine the sorts of feelings you are dealing with right now. Yet you are still in a charge of you, and you pick who you want to be dating. If dating him scares you because of the risk of "rinse and repeat" and you are tired of the lack of forthrightness and broken agreements?

It's ok to decide not to get back together after the month is over rather than try to be exes and friends. It's ok to be DONE done.

I need to unvelcro the connection, and spend time focusing on my own creative work.

Could focus on this. Do your creative work, and don't connect. Turn things OFF. Email, phone, etc. Don't answer, let it go to voice mail, block things, whatever you need to do to help you "unvelcro." Focus on what YOU need right now. Not on what he needs right now. He can be in charge of his needs. You in charge of yours.

He is finally bringing this up with his counselor, reading literature on the subject. He has expressed guilt, shame, remorse, a desire not to lose me, to retain our connection.

This is him not maintaining the month of separation you two agreed on. He's still telling you all his stuff in effort to retain connection.

(What he wants right now) is more important than (keeping agreements with you). He keeps ON breaking agreements with you. His words are one thing, his actions continue to be the same: Broken agreements.

He can email or call or whatever... but if you are answering his attempts? You are not maintaining the month of separation either. You are not helping yourself unvelcro.

I think you could put what you want/need FIRST. Be ok grieving the end of the relationship. Do your self care. But let it be done with him.

Galagirl
 
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Even if he intends to be honest in the future, even if he sincerely wants to, even if he thinks he can, he is addicted to dishonesty, and that addiction will not so easily go away. This is why you can't trust him, not because his heart isn't in the right place, but because he has a behavioral pattern that denotes a strong addiction. He is accustomed to being dishonest. It is a comfortable fit for him. How can you really know that he'll have the willpower to give that up?

...He may need to hit bottom before he can get back up. :(

A couple of days ago you said you'd ended things with him... yet now you indicate that you're giving it a month to think things over. I'm wondering what the purpose of this month is, and if perhaps he will take this as unspoken confirmation that a reconciliation is not off the cards. :confused:


Whatever you decide to do, long term, I'd definitely advise you to hold off on any future plans to live together or marry. This man is NOT ready for such a commitment.

To have a natural desire for connection and love is human. We all have this.
What you are describing here is co-dependence.

So you're all saying that it WON'T be like this song? Because I'm pretty sure it will be exactly like this song. ;) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YeGQXqqvvAY

Karen, I agree with you. The situation I described WOULD be codependent. I'm still processing this internally, and it's difficult to change my thinking overnight. Last week, I was in a great relationship, and planning for our move-in date. This week, I've ended that relationship due to dishonesty. ADD makes adapting to change a challenge, sometimes; changes to routine are particularly challenging. I'm also a verbal processor, and tend to consider every possibility (sometimes all at once). Those fears I expressed were my worst fears, not the course of action I've decided upon. I have a soft heart, but a very hard head, and I feel committed to staying on my own path.

We are internet strangers, and so I am wary of coming across as stomping my feet & clenching my fists - "I'm NOT codependent! I'm NOT!" - but I've done a lot of reading on codependency. Though I can recognize some of those traits in myself in former relationships, I can say with honest self-reflection that I am not codependent, I am mourning the loss of something I deeply valued. I like the life I have, with or without a partner, cherish my friendships, and am excited by the work I'm doing. I've chosen celibacy & single life for years at a time, and can do so again (or choose another partner when/if it feels right).

Lunabunny & GalaGirl, the month is largely for my own mental clarity. It was helpful for me to set a solid time for when we would talk again, so that I could relax into the time apart and reestablish a routine of my own. The communication between us was instigated by me - I had felt as though I needed answers for some questions, which led to larger conversations. We've both agreed not to be in touch again until the end of the month, as it only pushes on a healing bruise. He is (and was) respecting that boundary, and I am respecting myself by maintaining it. It took me a moment to fully disengage from daily contact, and transition to no contact.

Why take a month? What's the point? The plan is assuredly not to reunite at the end of the month, and move in together. Should we ever decide to be in a relationship again, it would be a new relationship, with new agreements, and moving in would be off the table for the foreseeable future. I think that space and time will allow us to have a more honest conversation about the future, whether we choose to reconnect or separate for good. It may be that I see serious steps toward positive change, and we reunite in six months, or a year. It may be that he sees a wider gulf between where he is now & where he wishes to be than previously imagined, and we see that no relationship is possible between us.

I don't make commitments lightly, and I seek to honor them while honoring myself. I also do not think that choosing to reunite, no matter how much time passes, would necessarily be the wisest choice for my life. Even if he is intensely focused on his own self-work, how much of that do I want to be present for? How much change would I need to see to feel it's worth investing again?

These are questions I don't currently have answers to, which is why this time feels necessary. I can see how simple it must seem with the luxury of distance, and I appreciate the photographs from those viewpoints. I'm not pushing against the advice I'm receiving, merely saying that endings are difficult, and I'm conflicted.
 
The communication between us was instigated by me - I had felt as though I needed answers for some questions, which led to larger conversations. We've both agreed not to be in touch again until the end of the month, as it only pushes on a healing bruise. He is (and was) respecting that boundary, and I am respecting myself by maintaining it. It took me a moment to fully disengage from daily contact, and transition to no contact.

Thank you for clarifying that.

It's ok to be conflicted.

It's also ok to do a month and decide you need more time separated if you are not done thinking all your things out and postpone reassessment til later down.

It's also ok to just decide -- "I'm tired of all this thinking. I am going to call it DONE. Then I can heal knowing that I don't have to reassess later down. I already decided to not get back together again."

I think a time of no contact is good. I'm glad to see you have decided to refrain from talking to him because it IS like pressing on a healing bruise.

I encourage you to do your self care at this time.

Galagirl
 
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