Advice on having better sleepovers with my partner

kraken

New member
First post, so apologies if I make any glaring mistakes here. I'm in a v style partnership with my partner. They are the v hinge, my metamour and I are the ends of the v. My partner and I have been together almost five years now. We live together in the same house, everyone has their own bedroom though (no other housemates).

I'm looking for advice on how my partner and I can enjoy sleepovers better together. I like to do two sleepovers or so a week, which has been something we've been able to make happen lately. Currently when they sleep over in my room, the two of us (or at least they) often wake up early, for us that's around 7 am, after having gone to bed around 1 am or so. It's been rough for both of us when we don't sleep well for obvious reasons, additionally my partner usually sleeps reasonably well when they spend the night in my metamour's room. I've been feeling jealous and insufficient because of this. I like having sleepovers and sometimes it has felt like a chore/not an exciting thing to do because of the not sleeping well together issue. Otherwise we would like to spend that time together. It's weird feeling like my room/bed is the issue and I'm not sure what I can do to make things better. I plan to sit down and talk about it soon, but am waiting to hear from them about when they're in a good space to talk about it.

Has anyone had similar issues/come up with good solutions to this problem? Here are some things I've considered that might help/be part of the problem:

-My metamour's bed doesn't transfer much movement. Mine is a fairly firm bed that has a foam mattress topper because the bed was too firm for my partner and I to sleep comfortably on (hilariously I originally tried to buy the bed to their taste). Maybe a former type of topper would help? Open to ideas.
-I'm working on fully blocking light from my room and think this might help.
-My metamour has a sound machine, maybe getting one might help? Theirs cost $100+, which is out of my budget. Would appreciate suggestions for good options!
- My partner has a twin bed so I can't sleep in their room. Would it be reasonable to see if they were interested in getting their own bed, which presumably they would sleep well in, to facilitate better sleepovers?
-Any suggestions for sleep aids/sleep masks? I've used stuff like melatonin and it works, but that doesn't help me stay asleep all night. My partner doesn't seem to like sleep aids, any suggestions for ones I might be able to recommend them?
-I usually go to sleep at 12:30 at the latest. My partner is usually in bed by 1 am but will stay up until 2 am some nights. Would it be reasonable to ask that they take bedtime into consideration on nights we sleep together? I.e. going to bed at 12 or 11:30 would mean even if we do get up at 7, we'd get 7 or so hours of sleep.
-I can't really consider another bed as an option for myself, since the one I just bought is a year old.
-Sometimes when we sleep together one or both of us will overheat.
-I use earplugs and my partner doesn't, so no need to comment on that.

I realize that this is more of a general relationship issue than anything, but it's been negatively affecting my feelings on the relationship. I've been feeling jealous of my metamour's ability to have sleepovers with our partner whenever and that they seem to be things my partner looks forward to. My partner does like to take naps, so that's something that helps, but I would rather they and I had less 5 and 6 hour sleepovers together. Obviously this doesn't have much to do with me as a person but I feel bad about it anyway, hopefully that makes sense. Any advice welcome, thanks for reading the long post!
 
I have a Dohm sound machine I got for around $40 from Amazon.

A more important question for you is this; do you really WANT more sleepovers, or do you somehow feel like your relationship pales in comparison to your metamor's because they and your hinge sleep well together? If so, that is NOT the case. Sleep incompatibility is a real thing and shouldn't make you feel "less than."

My spouse and I don't sleep well together. Period. It led to resentments that carried over into the daytime. We now sleep in separate rooms and our relationship has improved a great deal.
 
I don't really know what to offer in the way of advice.

It may not be a "bed" issue, per se. As powerpuffgrl says, sleep incompatibilities happen.

You yourself say that you and/or your partner tend to overheat. This is an issue for me as well. (I am "hotblooded", so to speak.) I also snore a bit and am conscious of that disturbing my partners. For decades I've not really enjoyed sleeping with my partner/s for a whole night, except on rare occasions for these reasons.

I like to feel comfortable, physically and emotionally, when I'm trying to sleep... as I'm sure everybody does. It's no crime to sleep separately.

Why not accept these differences, and enjoy sexual activity, closeness (hugs, cuddling, kissing post-sex) and napping together if the opportunity arises, without having to "force" the sleepover issue just to even things up.
 
I agree with LunaBunny - given that you tend to go to sleep earlier than your partner anyway, why not have your partner come to your room to cuddle, etc, and stay with you until you fall asleep, then go to their room for the rest of the night? You'd each get your normal sleep cycle, no one would overheat, etc.
 
- My partner has a twin bed so I can't sleep in their room. Would it be reasonable to see if they were interested in getting their own bed, which presumably they would sleep well in, to facilitate better sleepovers?
I don't understand this bit ... did you mean that they do NOT have a twin bed?

-I usually go to sleep at 12:30 at the latest. My partner is usually in bed by 1 am but will stay up until 2 am some nights. Would it be reasonable to ask that they take bedtime into consideration on nights we sleep together? I.e. going to bed at 12 or 11:30 would mean even if we do get up at 7, we'd get 7 or so hours of sleep.
Does this mean that your waking time is normally 7am? So that it's not that you don't sleep well, you just wake up at your usual time? That would be very normal for morning people.

By all means, do try. If they usually go to bed at 1-2, they may not be able to fall asleep earlier, but maybe their rhythm with you is significantly different (if you usually have sexytime and dim the lights in advance) so that might help.
 
My partner has a twin bed so I can't sleep in their room. Would it be reasonable to see if they were interested in getting their own bed, which presumably they would sleep well in, to facilitate better sleepovers?

I don't understand this bit ... did you mean that they do NOT have a twin bed?

I wonder if this is a thing that is called something else in Europe? US "twin" beds are single-person beds, the narrowest available. I suspect the name comes from the fact that one could technically put two in an average bedroom, thus "twin"?
 
I wonder if this is a thing that is called something else in Europe? US "twin" beds are single-person beds, the narrowest available. I suspect the name comes from the fact that one could technically put two in an average bedroom, thus "twin"?
I see.
Yeah, likely.
I wasn't sure so I even googled "twin bed" and got some pictures of the double-sized ones.
 
Hello kraken,

I am leaning toward asking your partner to turn in earlier (12:00 or 11:30), and if they're not willing to do that, ask them to get a bigger bed so you can sleep with them in their room.

Sorry you are having this difficulty.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I'm looking for advice on how my partner and I can enjoy sleepovers better together. I like to do two sleepovers or so a week, which has been something we've been able to make happen lately.

What do the sleepovers do for you? Could that be achieved in a non-sleepover way? Like cuddle you til you fall asleep, and then he can stay up doing whatever in his room so him geting up at 7 AM doesn't bother you?

Because if your pattern is to go to bed at 12:30 at the latest and his is to stay up til 1 or 2 AM and then get up at 7 AM? I'm not sure you are getting the quality/quantity of sleep you need on sleepover nights. Is the lack of sleep worth the X you are getting out of it?

Otherwise we would like to spend that time together.

You want to spend that time together HOW? Sleeping in the same bed? Or interacting in other ways? Maybe one solution is to stop looking at it like "Other partner gets so many sleepovers and I get so few."

And more like "For quality time together, they like to do their activity things together. For quality time together, we like to do THESE activities. They don't have to be the same activities."

Has anyone had similar issues/come up with good solutions to this problem?

Yes. If my spouse has wine too soon close to bed time? He is gonna SNORE because he sleeps on his back. If he does that? I cannot sleep. He sounds like a bear. And I'm gonna punch him to roll over so he's not on his back snoring. So he either has to not drink wine too late at night. Or not fuss if I punch him to roll over and sleep on his side if he starts wine snoring at me. Or he has to be ok with me getting up to sleep in the den because I cannot stand the snoring and side sleeping is not solving it. (Lately with peri-menopause night sweats and hot flashes I'm not a great bed sharer anyway. It is not always him who has the things going on.)

I think you could ask your hinge all your questions to see how to make sleepovers more comfortable.

One thing I did not see if it turns out your room is the problem... Like maybe your windows let in too much sun and it gets hot or faces the street noise or whatever? Could put his twin in your room and your larger bed in his and do the sleepovers there in his room. That's a free option to try since you are on a budget. The only thing you lose is the time to move the beds around to try it. If it doesn't work, put them back and try something else. Different bed time, sleep mask, curtains, white noise, etc.

My grandparents shared a room, but with two separate single beds in the room. That was their "goldilocks" solution because he wanted everything hard and she wanted everything soft and squishy.

My aunt and uncle shared a room, but had single person beds pushed together. Then they were together, but if one tossed and turned it didn't jiggle the mattress of the other one. That would cost money, but perhaps something to think about when one of you is ready to buy a different bed system.

My parents shared a queen for most of their marriage until 2011. Then my mom started with her weird restless leg thing kicking my dad awake. And my dad got all weird with his alzheimer. They decided it was better to maintain separate bedrooms than keep waking each other up all night and be crabby in the morning. They sleepover at each other's rooms when they want to "visit."

That's why I ask... what are you getting out of the sleepovers? Could that be obtained in a different way or a different activity? Because sometimes sharing sleeping quarters isn't compatible. Or it used to be and things can change over time.

Galagirl
 
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Hey Kraken,

I like the idea of everyone having their own rooms, which is weird of me because my boyfriend is currently upset that his wife wants to move into a different room from him. Maybe it's because he knows the reasoning and it's not sleep.

You have a lot of ideas, but none of them seem psychological? You've been together much longer than my boyfriend and me, so maybe you're not concerned about that. I've actually been beating myself up because I don't sleep well in his bed. Part of me thinks it's just too firm, but another part of me thinks that I won't let myself sleep well subconsciously because it's his and his wife's bed. Not to be a debbie downer, but could there be a subconscious reason? I mean, did it only start when you got the new mattress? Did something else change recently? Or has this been going on for 5 years?

As far as advice from your ideas, there are videos on youtube for sleep sounds and there are apps for white noise, etc, so you can try using your phone. It'll be free and you can at least see if it helps. If it doesn't help, at least you haven't lost any money.
 
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