Need some advice please

lafeelicite

New member
Hello guys!

I would really appreciate your advices here, even if it is not about polyamory itself but nonmonogamy.

My boyfriend and I had several talks during the past year about opening up. He knows I have a drive for that and he can see himself also benefit from it. But we never came to any agreement and boundaries. I just know and acknowledged that he doesn't want to hear about polyamory if I fall for someone. He will not agree to that. Fair enough, since I realized I might develop feelings for people but then choose not to be in love relationship with them. Love is infinate but my time is not.

Last conversation was begining of january and we didn't have a talk on it since. We agreed we want to try to open but then we said we still to discuss details. Specially I asked him if he wants to know what I am doing and he said he will think about it (I, myself, would feel more confortable in a DADT at the begining I think).

Also, we are half of the week in LDR since a few months and we struggle adjusting to that. We don't have deep talks when we are far and when we are together, it seems that we are pretty unefficient in our communication.

In particular, it feels like I am always the one bringing subjects on the table, then he gets defensive, I get hurt / sensitive and we can talk for hours with no solution / agreement.
That's why i didn't raise the subject of opening our relationship lately.

I had sex with someone this afternoon. I chose to have sex with this guy, that I knew from before and was a perfect match: lives far, i am not falling for him, he is not for me, and he has kinks matching mine.

Now I have to come clean. And I hate that my best choice was not to talk about it before (the guy was passing by my region and it all was decided in the morning for this afternoon - It would have been horrible to talk about that in the middle of the day).
I don't know what to say. I don't really feel guilty since I have tried to have a talk and a clear answer from my boyfriend since so many months. But I am afraid he feels betrailed. Specially if I wait to see him in person to tell him (that means, in two days).

Thanks in advance for any light,

Fée
 
In particular, it feels like I am always the one bringing subjects on the table, then he gets defensive, I get hurt / sensitive and we can talk for hours with no solution / agreement.
That's why i didn't raise the subject of opening our relationship lately.

This is a problem. You two may have to learn how to do better communication and conflict resolution.

I hate that my best choice was not to talk about it before (the guy was passing by my region and it all was decided in the morning for this afternoon - It would have been horrible to talk about that in the middle of the day).

Then maybe the agreement you two make is not "Tell me before you have sex with someone else."

The agreement could be "If you have sex with someone else, you have to tell me before you have sex again with me."

I don't know what to say.

Could be honest and keep it simple. " I need to make you aware that I've shared sex with someone else."

I don't really feel guilty since I have tried to have a talk and a clear answer from my boyfriend since so many months.

I cannot tell if you broke any agreements here. Did you guys decide "Ok, we agree we are Open now. Details to come later, but we are Open." If so, then you haven't broken agreements.

Or was it "Ok. We agree we are not Open yet. After we do details, then we are Open." If so? You have broken agreements because detail talk didn't happen yet.

But I am afraid he feels betrailed. Specially if I wait to see him in person to tell him (that means, in two days).

Then don't wait tell him in person. Tell him over the phone.

If he feels betrayed, he feels betrayed. And you two sort that out next.

What is it you are afraid of? That he will be angry? He will break up? Something else?

Galagirl
 
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Thank you very much for your reply GalaGirl, I really appreciate it.
This is a problem. You two may have to learn how to do better communication and conflict resolution.

Yes, we definitly do. We agreed to go to a therapist, I have to make an appoinment.

Then maybe the agreement you two make is not "Tell me before you have sex with someone else."

The agreement could be "If you have sex with someone else, you have to tell me before you have sex again with me."

Sounds like a good agreement.

Could be honest and keep it simple. " I need to make you aware that I've shared sex with someone else."

Thank you, easy and honest.

I cannot tell if you broke any agreements here. Did you guys decide "Ok, we agree we are Open now. Details to come later, but we are Open." If so, then you haven't broken agreements.

Or was it "Ok. We agree we are not Open yet. After we do details, then we are Open." If so? You have broken agreements because detail talk didn't happen yet.

Way clearer this way. I broke the agreement. And I am mad at me I did, I wish we had an agreement first. I do feel guilty indeed. I was just trying to push it away.

Then don't wait tell him in person. Tell him over the phone.

If he feels betrayed, he feels betrayed. And you two sort that out next.

What is it you are afraid of? That he will be angry? He will break up? Something else?

I am afraid he will be hurt. I am afraid I hurt him by being myself. I love him and that would conflict my need to take care of his well being and take care of our relationship.

I am afraid we dont "sort that out" because we don't know how to communicate / do conflict resolution.

I also don't trust him to be able to express his anger feelings. I am afraid he will suppress them and be distant and not talking and that is a behavior I can't stand for long. I get very anxious and emotionaly activated.
 
Hi Fée,

Make that appointment to go see that therapist. It's very important. Another thing that may help is to do some research on NVC -- Nonviolent Communication. Look for books by Marshall Rosenberg. Look for, "Nonviolent Communication: a language of life." (Third edition.)

There is likely to be fallout from telling your boyfriend that you had sex with someone. But bite the bullet and tell him anyway. He needs to know that he can trust you to tell him the truth. Also, continue to post in this thread as your situation evolves, so that we may give you updated thoughts/advice.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I seem to recall that English is not your first language... so I will take it one sentence at a time.

I am afraid he will be hurt.

Well... that is neither here nor there. Feelings happen.

If he's hurt? He feels hurt.

If you feel afraid? You feel afraid.

Each one could feel your own feelings.


I am afraid I hurt him by being myself. I love him and that would conflict my need to take care of his well being and take care of our relationship.

I think you could be yourself. Do not shrink yourself just to fit this relationship if this relationship is not actually compatible.

It is not your job to attend to his well being. You could CONTRIBUTE to his well being, but the manager of his well being is him. Not you.He does not have to accept your contributions.

The manager of your well being is you, not him. He could CONTRIBUTE to your well being, but he is not the manager. You do not have to accept his contributions.

It is not your job alone to take care of the relationship. Presumably is a shared job because both of you are choosing to participate in it. Like a two way street. You give some things, you receive some things. He gives some things, he receives some things. That is both people participating in a way that feels good to both.

I am afraid we dont "sort that out" because we don't know how to communicate / do conflict resolution.

So if you both saw a therapist, read some books, did some activities... could that ease your fear because you see you are both trying to sort that out?

NVC model

Defensive Listening

Those are two free examples. You could find others.

I also don't trust him to be able to express his anger feelings. I am afraid he will suppress them and be distant and not talking and that is a behavior I can't stand for long. I get very anxious and emotionaly activated.

Well, say he doesn't learn to express his anger. And he does suppress them and grows distant and not talking.

You don't like that. But you keep hanging around a person like this. Is that you being a good manager of your well-being? When you keep hanging around people you don't get on with all that well?

I encourage you to try to solve your problems together. But if they are not solvable? You may have to come to terms this might not be a compatible partner after all. And be ok breaking up.

That is the last loving act to "taking care of the relationship." Letting it end with grace if it is not compatible to spare both people more new hurts. Not try to drag it out by force while bending the people into pretzels.

Galagirl
 
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Fee, hi,

Maybe your boyfriend is a slow "processor" of new information and situations. He may have difficulty both adapting to changed circumstances AND with communicating his feelings around difficult issues.

Sounds like polyamory/non monogamy is a difficult issue for him. He may theoretically see some benefits arising from it as far as he is concerned, but perhaps he still sees more potential pain and issues stemming from opening up.

Perhaps he is actively avoiding the pending discussion about boundaries and achieving specific agreements because, at heart, he really doesn't want to open up and this is his way of burying his head in the sand and pretending you never brought the topic to his attention (?)

You say you suspect you hurt him by "being you" (in other words, your polyamorous nature), which he may not wish to face. If your boyfriend is truly monogamous and may - at most - agree to some kind of casual sex on the side or swinging type arrangement, but is adamantly opposed to either of you having other partners you may develop feelings for - yet YOU can easily envisage yourself falling for someone else and maybe conducting multiple relationships or simultaneous liaisons that involve more than just sex - then you two may simply not be compatible as long term partners.

However, before you either agree to part ways OR make any other form of agreement, you MUST get this issue out on the table and deal with it head-on. A therapist may be able to help. Books and articles surely will point you both in the right direction... IF you can get your partner to commit to reading them AND sharing his insights and feelings about what he has read afterward. If he won't do this in a timely fashion, he is engaging in active avoidance, and you will have to make a difficult decision.

In the meantime, you must come clean about your recent hook up in the most honest, simplified fashion possible. Just tell it like it is, and then deal with whatever fallout occurs. Honest communication is the cornerstone of ethical non monogamy. Without that, it's just cheating.
 
Hello all!

Thank you very much for your replies and support!

Hi Fée,

Make that appointment to go see that therapist. It's very important. Another thing that may help is to do some research on NVC -- Nonviolent Communication. Look for books by Marshall Rosenberg. Look for, "Nonviolent Communication: a language of life." (Third edition.)

Thank you Kevin. We both know NVC and even bought the same book in both our langages to be able to practice. We have the good tools... but deep rooted interaction schema :(

There is likely to be fallout from telling your boyfriend that you had sex with someone. But bite the bullet and tell him anyway. He needs to know that he can trust you to tell him the truth. Also, continue to post in this thread as your situation evolves, so that we may give you updated thoughts/advice.

Thank you very much for your advice and to suggest me to continue posting, it is very conforting.

I seem to recall that English is not your first language... so I will take it one sentence at a time.

You recall well, I hope I can still make myself clear enough. Thank you for taking time to answer ant take one sentence at a time.

It is not your job to attend to his well being. You could CONTRIBUTE to his well being, but the manager of his well being is him. Not you.He does not have to accept your contributions.

The manager of your well being is you, not him. He could CONTRIBUTE to your well being, but he is not the manager. You do not have to accept his contributions.

It is not your job alone to take care of the relationship. Presumably is a shared job because both of you are choosing to participate in it. Like a two way street. You give some things, you receive some things. He gives some things, he receives some things. That is both people participating in a way that feels good to both.

I fully agree and when I talked about my need to take care of is well being and the relationship, I meant participate in that, not that i take responsability for it.

So if you both saw a therapist, read some books, did some activities... could that ease your fear because you see you are both trying to sort that out?

NVC model

Defensive Listening

Those are two free examples. You could find others.

Thank you for the links. It was very conforting to read about defensive listening and how it can drive frustration.
That's how I have been feeling more and more for the past months, as I was trying to communicate and connect and it would just push him away.
Indeed, I should remember that we are both willing to sort things out.

You don't like that. But you keep hanging around a person like this. Is that you being a good manager of your well-being? When you keep hanging around people you don't get on with all that well?

That is a question I had for myself since a few months also. Is it temporary? We are now playing "games" from childhood relationships, specially because we love each other so much and we grow closer.
He is the first man I am together with that I can talk "meta" about our conflicts and relationships... but we lack of time together and this talks take time and energy.

I encourage you to try to solve your problems together. But if they are not solvable? You may have to come to terms this might not be a compatible partner after all. And be ok breaking up.

Yes. Fully true. I am not there yet. I feel that there is more. A part of me, the one who is not affraid, trust that this can be a great relationship.

Maybe your boyfriend is a slow "processor" of new information and situations. He may have difficulty both adapting to changed circumstances AND with communicating his feelings around difficult issues.

Thank you for articulating that in this non judmental way. It sounds very much like him. And it seems that it drives frustration on my side :)

Sounds like polyamory/non monogamy is a difficult issue for him. He may theoretically see some benefits arising from it as far as he is concerned, but perhaps he still sees more potential pain and issues stemming from opening up.

Perhaps he is actively avoiding the pending discussion about boundaries and achieving specific agreements because, at heart, he really doesn't want to open up and this is his way of burying his head in the sand and pretending you never brought the topic to his attention (?)

Thank you also for this perspective. I did ask him yesterday if the fact that he didn't think about his answer to the question "DADT model or open talks?" that i asked a month ago was activ avoidance because he doesn't want it. He said no.

You say you suspect you hurt him by "being you" (in other words, your polyamorous nature), which he may not wish to face. If your boyfriend is truly monogamous and may - at most - agree to some kind of casual sex on the side or swinging type arrangement, but is adamantly opposed to either of you having other partners you may develop feelings for - yet YOU can easily envisage yourself falling for someone else and maybe conducting multiple relationships or simultaneous liaisons that involve more than just sex - then you two may simply not be compatible as long term partners.

To be clearer, he is not opposed to develop feelings but his hard limit is that he doesn't want to talk about having a second significant other when I would already have a crush on someone. He would feel trapped then. I get that and respect that. I also figured out for myself that I would not have enough time and ressources to grow another deep relationship for now, in my life. So that was an agreement I didn't have hard time to reach. And still we could talk about polyamory in a "cold situation" (no crush on going) if i would feel the need.

However, before you either agree to part ways OR make any other form of agreement, you MUST get this issue out on the table and deal with it head-on. A therapist may be able to help. Books and articles surely will point you both in the right direction... IF you can get your partner to commit to reading them AND sharing his insights and feelings about what he has read afterward. If he won't do this in a timely fashion, he is engaging in active avoidance, and you will have to make a difficult decision.

It is very true what you are saying about active avoidance and I see that i have hard time recognizing that.
I find a lot of justification: he started this new job, new life in a new country and city, we have other challenges (we also can't manage to talk about life plan, building a family, leaving together)... But i am starting to realize that active avoidance is his pattern and I need to know what I want to do with that.

In the meantime, you must come clean about your recent hook up in the most honest, simplified fashion possible. Just tell it like it is, and then deal with whatever fallout occurs. Honest communication is the cornerstone of ethical non monogamy. Without that, it's just cheating.

Yes, it was no question for me that i had to tell him.
I wanted to make sure first that he would want to know if that happens so yesterday eve I asked that we talk about opening up again and if thought about my question.
He said no and then asked how urgent is the need of answer here. I replied that it was urgent enough that i brought the subject again and then he asked me if i did have sex with someone also.

I realize writing that down that he might had the impression that I would not have told him if he didn't ask. I will have to clarfiy that maybe.

So I told him that I did have sex with someone and that I was very sorry I broke our agreement and didn't talk about it prior to it.

Well, he expressed being surprised. I think it was anger but he couldn't let that go out.
He said it takes away some trust, that he doesn't understand why i couldn't wait that we have an agreement.
On the other hand, he said it's not like i fully cheated, that we had talks about opening up.
He said he needs to process.

I feel releaved that i told him and also that i stopped suppressing that part of me who wants to be open for a long time and that i was keeping down to respect his rythm.
Whatever are the consequences, i am ready to assume it. But i can't agree to be closed anymore. Which might be the biggest problem, since trust is damaged on his part.
I wonder if i should have told him the night after, on phone, instead of waiting. Also maybe I should have told him right away. I don't know. It was anyway a chocking news.

I will let you know how things develop, thank you again for feed-backs and support
 
It sounds like your boyfriend needs some time to process. Maybe the next thing to do is find out how much time he needs. This way you would know how long you should hold off being open, and he wouldn't use that as a stalling technique. You know that you want to be open, you need him to confirm whether he can tolerate that.
 
Well, he expressed being surprised. I think it was anger but he couldn't let that go out.
He said it takes away some trust, that he doesn't understand why i couldn't wait that we have an agreement.
On the other hand, he said it's not like i fully cheated, that we had talks about opening up.
He said he needs to process.

Might want to set an appointment date to check in. So it is not "stuck in processing."

I feel releaved that i told him and also that i stopped suppressing that part of me who wants to be open for a long time and that i was keeping down to respect his rythm.

And that's what I mean about "stuck in processing." You probably don't want to wait on him to make up his mind for 50 years. You have already been kinda of waiting.... and waiting.

If you are want poly but he does not? Might be time to agree that you are not compatible rather than get "stuck in processing." It's one think to give him a few months to think things out. It's another to give him a few years. Figure out what you both think a reasonable time frame is and when is the time to check in.

Whatever are the consequences, i am ready to assume it. But i can't agree to be closed anymore. Which might be the biggest problem, since trust is damaged on his part.

Could let those be separate issues or separate steps.

It's ok for you to say "I am making you aware that I no longer want to be Closed. I can no longer agree to that."

Whether or not you can rebuild trust and do open/poly with THIS partner could be a separate issue.

Hang in there while you both sort things out one step at a time.

Galagirl
 
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So I told him that I did have sex with someone and that I was very sorry I broke our agreement and didn't talk about it prior to it.... he said it's not like i fully cheated, that we had talks about opening up.....I wonder if i should have told him the night after, on phone, instead of waiting. Also maybe I should have told him right away. I don't know. It was anyway a chocking news.

An important part of moving through this, whether you two stay together or not, is for you to recognize that what you did is cheating, period. He is perhaps not feeling justified in his anger and hurt because you two had discussed an open relationship, but your agreement was that you'd talk about sex with others before you had sex with others. That was your agreement and you broke it. This is separate from the larger discussion of whether he wants an open relationship at all and whether that's a deal breaker for you. It's important for you to take responsibility and recognize that agreements are just as important in poly/open as the de facto agreement of exclusivity in mono. Whatever the agreement, it has to work for both partners and if one partner breaks the agreement, it's cheating.
 
You are correct, lafeelicite, that recent events aren't particularly poly. Having a one-off drive-by hookup with an old acquaintance isn't polyamory. Perhaps nonmonogamy, or maybe "monogamy as widely practiced." No relational/emotional attachment ("i am not falling for him, he is not for me"), no polyamory.

But if that fling satisfies you, what is it that you are actually after? Flings, Long-term intimate partners? Something between? All of the above?

You speak repeatedly of "opening our relationship," yet remain quite vague about what that would entail. If your boyfriend senses the same vagueness, he might simply be baffled as to what it is that you expect him to agree to, & is reluctant to agree to anything so nebulous. He may be having difficulty "talking about" something that appears to have so much margin for misunderstanding.

Your old relationship is over. Whether it can be restarted with new understandings -- about your desires/"needs" -- is up to both of you, as idividuals AND as a dyad.

If both of you aren't willing to create something new, or to at least compromise, then perhaps the wisest course would be to leave the relationship dead.
 
It sounds like your boyfriend needs some time to process. Maybe the next thing to do is find out how much time he needs. This way you would know how long you should hold off being open, and he wouldn't use that as a stalling technique. You know that you want to be open, you need him to confirm whether he can tolerate that.

Hi Kevin, thank you for your reply and the tip on next thing to do. That was very helpful.
We have a date planned in 2 weeks to talk about things he had to process.

Might want to set an appointment date to check in. So it is not "stuck in processing."

Hi Galagirl, thank you for your reply and wise advices. We setted an appointment date.
It was a bit hard for me to ask for it and he asked if I wanted that to "stop being closed sooner". I used your words and said I don't want to be stucked in processing.
He said we have been doing quite fine until now, in a sweet way. I replied that it leaded me to cheat on him and that I don't want that to ever happen again.
He agreed and thanked me so I think he might appreciate that I push for more direct communication. Still, it is challenging.

Could let those be separate issues or separate steps.

It's ok for you to say "I am making you aware that I no longer want to be Closed. I can no longer agree to that."

Whether or not you can rebuild trust and do open/poly with THIS partner could be a separate issue.

Thanks, that is also a very good and pragmatic approach.

Hang in there while you both sort things out one step at a time.

Thank you very much, I will :)

An important part of moving through this, whether you two stay together or not, is for you to recognize that what you did is cheating, period. He is perhaps not feeling justified in his anger and hurt because you two had discussed an open relationship, but your agreement was that you'd talk about sex with others before you had sex with others. That was your agreement and you broke it. This is separate from the larger discussion of whether he wants an open relationship at all and whether that's a deal breaker for you. It's important for you to take responsibility and recognize that agreements are just as important in poly/open as the de facto agreement of exclusivity in mono. Whatever the agreement, it has to work for both partners and if one partner breaks the agreement, it's cheating.

Hi Angelina, thank you for your reply.
I think I did take full responsability and expressed myself in words like: "I know I broke our agreement" and "I cheated".
I see your point that he may not feel his feeling justified, specially because it is a pattern of him to suppress this feelings :(
But I don't know what to do more. I was the one naming anger and saying it was ok to be. I told him that I hope he can still trust me enough to share this "negativ" feelings.
I don't want to be intrusiv, force him to express his anger or hurt feelings :confused:

You are correct, lafeelicite, that recent events aren't particularly poly. Having a one-off drive-by hookup with an old acquaintance isn't polyamory. Perhaps nonmonogamy, or maybe "monogamy as widely practiced." No relational/emotional attachment ("i am not falling for him, he is not for me"), no polyamory.

Hi Ravenscroft,

thank you for your reply. It is very direct and confront me to some ambivalence and ambiguous feelings.
I know the problem I addressed is not polyamory. I discovered the forum while searching on polyamorous questions and I have been reading it since a year now, appreciating very much the advices and discussions here. That's why I posted here.

But if that fling satisfies you, what is it that you are actually after? Flings, Long-term intimate partners? Something between? All of the above?

You speak repeatedly of "opening our relationship," yet remain quite vague about what that would entail. If your boyfriend senses the same vagueness, he might simply be baffled as to what it is that you expect him to agree to, & is reluctant to agree to anything so nebulous. He may be having difficulty "talking about" something that appears to have so much margin for misunderstanding.

You make a very good point. I am ready to discuss and accept quite a lot of boundaries since I appreciate very much my relationship with my boyfriend and that I don't want to put him in a situation he wouldn't be happy. Maybe that create nebulosity.
Also, I was never in a ethical non monogamic relationship, either a polyamoric one. So there is a part of me who wants to take it slow, since I don't know how i will feel when he has sex with someone also.
Ideal would be: we start with being ok for sex with other persons, no friends. At the furthest of this "scale", i would see having friends with benefits being ok.

Your old relationship is over. Whether it can be restarted with new understandings -- about your desires/"needs" -- is up to both of you, as idividuals AND as a dyad.

If both of you aren't willing to create something new, or to at least compromise, then perhaps the wisest course would be to leave the relationship dead.

Very true.

Writing here allows me also to see that a part of me judges me and makes me feel it is not legitimate to want to be open.
I mean, I love my boyfriend and our relationship, this part of me doesn't understand why this is not enough. Is really the possibility of having occasional hookup 3 or 4 time a year worth loosing him?

Also, I am pretty sure I won't get a "happy yes" if he agrees on being open. Is it ethical to go on, knowing and feeling that it is mainly to please me / not loosing me?

W-end was so nice, we shared great moments, we were very connected and we both expressed several times how we love each other.
He expressed so very few is anger and fears... Should I ask about those feelings? Is it intrusiv/ not my job to seek for them?

I mean, I am very happy our w-end was awesome but I don't want the price to be that he processes difficult feelings on his own --> get distant --> I worry --> tension and conflicts on superficial things.

Thank you very much for reading and being there, this is really a great help to process things here,

Fée
 
I'm inclined to suggest that you let your boyfriend decide if/when he will talk about his feelings. And, if he says he's doing fine, believe him. In other words, don't try to read his mind. Let him state out loud how he's doing, and what he needs.
 
I replied that it leaded me to cheat on him and that I don't want that to ever happen again.He agreed and thanked me so I think he might appreciate that I push for more direct communication. Still, it is challenging.

You don't have to push for more direct communication. Just practice it. It is ok if it is challenging --- this is a new way of communicating for you.

Also, I am pretty sure I won't get a "happy yes" if he agrees on being open. Is it ethical to go on, knowing and feeling that it is mainly to please me / not loosing me?

If he agrees to Open mostly to avoid breaking up? It is not a happy yes? Then I think no. It is not ethical. I would end it rather than string him along or accept responsibilities that are not mine.

I would like to think he would have the sense not to get himself into things he really doesn't want to be doing himself. Rather than put the responsibility for his well being on you. It is ok for your to contribute to his well being. It is not ok for him to make you be the manager of his well being.

He expressed so very few is anger and fears... Should I ask about those feelings? Is it intrusiv/ not my job to seek for them?

You cannot be a mind reader. If you want to know something you have to ask.

If you need reassuring that he feels ok? Ask him how he's feeling and ask to be reassured. Give him opportunity to share. If he doesn't want to share? LET IT GO.
You tried to give him the space, and if he doesn't use it, he doesn't use it.

If this becomes a habit with him? And you find that you prefer more emotional intimacy than he can actually give you? Or that he lied to you and said it was ok and it really wasn't? Rather than go around and around in circles over this? You could end it.

Keep this way easier on yourself. Each of you could carry your own fair share of the load and only that. Not try to carry everyone's load for them.

Galagirl
 
News

Hi all!

Not much to say in fact... our date to talk about the things my boyfriend was suppose to process:
- his feelings towards my cheating and where is stands towards that situation (wanna continue with me? what are his needs here)
- my willingness to be in an open relationship and how he feels about it

And... he avoided. We were both tired but still. I was the one telling him that we had this date planned and I felt aggrissiv feelings on his side.
He seems to value that he "let go" that I cheated on him without talking about it when it is actually the "opposite" that I want :(

I had therapy appoinment this morning. She abviously heard and then phrased what i am unable to decide now: i am not building anything here, i am not going in the direction of what i want for myself in life.

I know i need to take a decision, to break up with him (there are other reasons of disconfort that have nothing to do with non monogamy also). And i am scared, i feel guilty... :(
 
Hi Fée,

I'm sorry to hear that your talk didn't go as you would have hoped, and that you are realizing you need to break up with your boyfriend. That makes me sad, I had hoped things would work out. But, I think you have done all that you could. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to let go.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry to hear that.

And... he avoided. We were both tired but still. I was the one telling him that we had this date planned and I felt aggrissiv feelings on his side.
He seems to value that he "let go" that I cheated on him without talking about it when it is actually the "opposite" that I want

I can imagine that you want forthright emotional and mental intimacy where he opens up more with you and you both can talk about vulnerable things without you having to "drag" it out of him or "fish" it out. Not more situations where he closes up and avoids deep discussion.

I had therapy appoinment this morning. She abviously heard and then phrased what i am unable to decide now: i am not building anything here, i am not going in the direction of what i want for myself in life.

I think your therapist is right. You two are not building anything here and the relationship is not going in the way you want.

I know i need to take a decision, to break up with him (there are other reasons of disconfort that have nothing to do with non monogamy also). And i am scared, i feel guilty...

Coming to final acceptance that you have to break up, that this is not going to be a long term match, that there are deep incompatibilities, ... that processing is not easy. It's ok to feel whatever you feel. It's ok to feel sad, angry, scared... whatever it is is you might feel in the coming weeks about it all.

Keep moving forward though.

Galagirl
 
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update

Hi All!

Time flies, I wanted to give you some news for a long time and here I am, finally!

I broke up with SexyGerm in march. And it was a really good decision. It gave us the opportunity to finally open to each other and connect in a deeper way. We are back together but the dyanamic has changed and I am a lot more confident: in me to keep taking good care of myself and in us to continue growing.

We have an agreement of non-monogamy and dates every two weeks are planned so we can talk specifically about it, if that is something we want to continue or not, boundaries...
I am fine with this setting and that we agreed we try. I feel free to feel whatever I feel for anyone and that's nice!
Also, I don't feel like he forced himself to please me or not loose me.

That's a nice relief to be out of this anxious state I was! Now enjoying life in a more relaxed way :)

I wish you a wonderful day! :)
 
Hi Fée,

Thanks for that update. I am glad to hear that things worked out for you guys after all. Sounds like you finally had the talk that you needed. I hope that you'll continue to grow together, and that the communication will continue to flow. Congrats!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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