Insecurity in first stages of poly relationship - help?

weatherwax

New member
Hi folks,

I did quite a bit of reading before I registered, so I apologise in advance for posting the n-th variation of this topic. But I could really use some advice and help processing things, and there's no-one in my circle that I can actually talk this through with.

So a bit of background: me and my partner (both F) have been together for almost 7 years now, and we decided to open up the relationship 2 or 3 years ago. I was the one who suggested it but the final decision was mutual, based on several factors, including some sexual incompatibility.

Since then my partner's had two attempt as relationships; the 1st one didn't go so well, and she's just entering the second one. I'm rationally completely fine with the idea - and emotionally I really want her to be happy and find the things she needs to be happy. However, both times a new person has appeared in her life, I experience a very strong emotional reaction that's becoming a problem. I've took the time to exmine it as best as I could and I'm relieved to find that it's not based on jealousy or something idiotic like a sense of ownership, but more in serious feeling of inadequacy and insecurity. Both are things that I'm aware of in myself (and I'm trying to work) and while they're older issues, the appearance of a new person seems to exacerabte them.

I've tried to rein all that in so that it doesn't interfere with her relationships (as I realise those are mine inividual issues that I need to sort out), but it's a pretty strong emotional response. I can't really manage/hide it all the time, and I can't communicate it clearly enough in a way that doesn't feel unfair to her. It makes her apprehensive of telling me when a new person appears because she doesn't want to hurt me. And it's making me feel utterly shitty for suggesting the idea in the first place and then handling it this poorly - to the point where it's ruining her NRE high apparently, which is something I really don't want to do. So it's a bit of a vicious circle - my reaction only heightens the inadequacy issues because here's one more thing that I'm failing to do properly.

I guess what I'm asking it it... is it somewhat expected to feel some insecurity in the first stages of transitioning to poly, and are there any tips of dealing with that? I really want to make this work but I know my issues won't disappear overnight even if I'm trying to work on them, and I have no reference in navigating a situation like this.
 
Definately.

And... it’s okay to ask for reassurance.

In fact, it’s almost expected. (“I’m afraid if she’s prettier than me, you’ll leave me. I KNOW I’m not being rational, but it would helps to hear it from you.”)

Or even just state your fear “I’m afraid what will happen if x”.

Things can and will change, and you need to allow this— if yoor partner says “I’m not thinking I’ll sleep with her”- this may change and change rapidly so be prepared—.but this gives you a snapshot of now. Including truths like your partner loves X with you, thinks you attractive, etc for you to hang on to. And helps you calm down, and your partner know how to be supportive.
 
This is completely normal in the beginning. I think it's better to lay everything out in the open than play the "I'm not going to do this because she might feel that" game. You both need to address each other's feelings. Now is the time to make that a habit.
 
Hello weatherwax,

You said you were experiencing intense inadequacy and insecurity. If I may ask, in what areas do you think/feel that you are inadequate? and, what are the fears that are making you feel insecure? What's the worst thing that you fear could happen? If it did happen, what would you do? and how would you feel?

Your partner has only had two relationships so far; what I mean is, maybe your strong emotional reaction to a new relationship will become less severe as time goes on. Of course, it will also help to examine your insecurities and fears, which is why I ask those questions. Hopefully I can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If I may ask, in what areas do you think/feel that you are inadequate? and, what are the fears that are making you feel insecure? What's the worst thing that you fear could happen? If it did happen, what would you do? and how would you feel?

Thanks, Kevin. Yeah, I've tried to pinpoint the worst offenders. I think the most prominent one is the sex/passion area (where it's an objective fact that I can't really offer a lot, due to low libido and other things), and close second are emotion, mystery (after 7 years together I can hardly offer a lot of surprises), romance. I've always felt a bit like a mismatch in a lot of areas that are important to my partner - she's more energetic and outgoing where I'm more reserved, she loves to dance and I have two left feet... etc. So in my worst days I've felt a bit like a placeholder - there only until someone better comes along (not rational but I can't help tthe thought sometimes).

At the moment I feel like the only thing I can really offer is some security at home and the fact that we're really well-matched in day-to-day life - something my partner says she's looked for and has never found before. But I feel like this is not enough to keep someone in a relationship once they've found all of the other things in another partner, and I myself won't be happy if I'm the partner who's only there for mundane every-day issues.

Fears: worst case scenario would be this relationship becoming redundant/subpar and ending, or being stripped of all romantic notion and turning into a strictly cohabitation situation. In which case I will probably need to move on, as that won't be enough for me and will be too painful. I realise that's a possibility and I'm not obsessed about keeping it going at all costs- if needed, I'll let go. But both of these will leave me heartbroken because this is one of the most important relationships of my life and I would hate to have to leave it behind.

As the others have suggested, my partner and I talked about it, and I think the conversation helped a bit with her fears but in part it only fed into mine so I think I'll give myself some time to process and think before trying again.
 
You sound mismatched. Never mind what she might need from an OSO. Do YOU wish you had more in common with HER?

I've tried to pinpoint the worst offenders. I think the most prominent one is the sex/passion area (where it's an objective fact that I can't really offer a lot, due to low libido).

Do you wish you had a partner for whom sex wasn't so important, so you didn't feel pressured to perform?

mystery (after 7 years together I can hardly offer a lot of surprises),

Do you know that in healthy relationships between healthy people, people evolve and keep unfolding a mystery, a ride full of surprises and shared new experiences?


Do you know that long term partners NEED romance to keep being interested in each other? Take a trip, go to a new restaurant, go hiking in a new area, have a picnic, take a class together, share a new hobby or experience. Romance will follow. Romance is easy in a new relationship, but it will fade after 6-12 months if not worked at, anyway. Some people become NRE junkies just for an easy romance fix. Not really a healthy way to live. Kind of immature.

I've always felt a bit like a mismatch in a lot of areas that are important to my partner - she's more energetic and outgoing where I'm more reserved, she loves to dance and I have two left feet... etc. So in my worst days I've felt a bit like a placeholder - there only until someone better comes along (not rational but I can't help tthe thought sometimes).

If you're not that interested in sex, or dancing, or socializing, what interests DO you two share, if any?

At the moment I feel like the only thing I can really offer is some security at home and the fact that we're really well-matched in day-to-day life - something my partner says she's looked for and has never found before. But I feel like this is not enough to keep someone in a relationship once they've found all of the other things in another partner, and I myself won't be happy if I'm the partner who's only there for mundane every-day issues.

Yeah, you know what? You're right. You sound like mere roommates already. What do YOU want in a relationship besides mundane day to day security and chores?
Fears: worst case scenario would be this relationship becoming redundant/subpar and ending, or being stripped of all romantic notion and turning into a strictly cohabitation situation. In which case I will probably need to move on, as that won't be enough for me and will be too painful. I realise that's a possibility and I'm not obsessed about keeping it going at all costs- if needed, I'll let go. But both of these will leave me heartbroken because this is one of the most important relationships of my life and I would hate to have to leave it behind.

As the others have suggested, my partner and I talked about it, and I think the conversation helped a bit with her fears but in part it only fed into mine so I think I'll give myself some time to process and think before trying again.

It sounds like opening your relationship was just a "soft breakup" between 2 people who are kind of friends, but not lovers, already.

You do say you'd miss "romantic notion" though. How do you propose to keep romance alive between you? Sounds like you haven't put much effort into it?
 
Magdlyn, I'm going to assume your intention is to help and offer an objective perspective, which is why I'm going to ignore some issues around your post in order to address the rest.

As I mentioned in the original posts you quoted, these are my own insecurities and fears that come up when I'm in a bad mental place, not a literal description of my every-day life. We're a slight mismatch and that's not news to either of us - but we've found that we complete each other in some oof the areas instead of matching. We share a physical relationship - yes, it's not overtly sexual because we're not a perfect fit in that field but we're working on it and have found a place to meet. At no time I have felt pressured to perform. So no, I don't want a partner who's less intersted in sex. We share plenty of romantic things together - we both enjoy mountain hiking, we travel and discover new places, we go to bars, concerts and walks... We've been there for each other through a lot of downs and celebrated a lot of ups together. So no, we haven't stopped working at it. I can't encompass our entire relationship in a post (or two) but let's just say it's fulfilling to me, and (according to my partner), it's fulfilling to her too (I would add 'in most areas' because I tend to be a bit of a pedant). We opened up not because we wanted a soft break up or a fix, but because we agreed that in time we both might get interested in new people and we wanted to be open and honest about it exactly because we wanted to keep this relationship.

The problem is that - lacking any experience or reference - I get insecure that any of the things we do have are enough to compete with the high of a super intense NRE. As I'm sure you know, there's something special about first-meeting feelings with any new person - and those can't be recreated years down the road, even with constant work. Which is not saying that we don't discover new things about each other, just that it's not the same thrill of meeting and getting to know someone for the first time. You even mentioned the serial NRE seekers of easy romance fix - they exist because of the unique nature of the first time feelings. Anyway, I guess my problem is exactly thinking of it as something that competes rather than something that exists as a parallel to what we have. Unfortunately monogamy has been drilled into me for many years and while my rationale has overcome that, my emotions have apparently not - which is what I tried to get tips on.

Thank you for your perspective.
 
Hi weatherwax,

I am hearing you say that you are afraid you will have to compete with NRE, and you don't feel you could do that and come out ahead because you feel like you're not an exciting enough person for your partner. Let me ask, when your partner starts to see someone new, does your partner give you the time and attention you want/need? NRE often results in people becoming oblivious to their partner's wants/needs. They're overly focused on the new person that they're seeing. During NRE, do you and your partner still have fulfilling times together? Is anything lacking? One common thing that happens is, your partner is always texting with the new person, even when it should be time for just you and your partner, like when you're going out together. Does that ever happen? Anything similar?

Wishing you the best,
Kevin T.
 
Hi weatherwax,

You might want to remind yourself when you get insecure about being a placeholder that poly can offer your relationship something special. It would be too much pressure on you to meet every single one of your partner's needs. By being open, your partner can gets some needs met that are not possible nor probable for you to deliver. It may take a long time for it to sink in, but you may come to see your partner's new lover as a positive for her and for you in the long run.

I am a queer woman with a long term girlfriend, we are a great example of opposites attracting. We also recently opened up, entered into poly, and after some highs and lows realized being polyamorous lets us be who we are, together, dating together or dating solo. Give yourself time and stay positive!
 
Magdlyn, I'm going to assume your intention is to help and offer an objective perspective, which is why I'm going to ignore some issues around your post in order to address the rest.

Thanks for assuming positive intent. I haven't been on this board for 9 years just to tear people down, you know. I would have been banned long ago if I was! :)

As I mentioned in the original posts you quoted, these are my own insecurities and fears that come up when I'm in a bad mental place, not a literal description of my every-day life.

OK, you may have said that, but I got something else out of your following descriptions of mismatches and incompatibilities. My mistake!

We're a slight mismatch and that's not news to either of us - but we've found that we complete each other in some of the areas instead of matching.

I am glad you can affirm the mismatch is only slight! I'd say every couple is slightly mismatched. We aren't clones of each other, thank god.

We share a physical relationship - yes, it's not overtly sexual because we're not a perfect fit in that field but we're working on it and have found a place to meet. At no time I have felt pressured to perform.

OK. I can attest that poly is a good way to make up for a mismatch in libidos. I have a much higher drive than my nesting partner, so it works out well in that area. And it takes pressure off her. I may have been projecting. She has admitted to feeling pressure to perform. When I have a horny bf, the pressure is less on her to satisfy me, which ironically increases her desire for sex.

We share plenty of romantic things together - we both enjoy mountain hiking, we travel and discover new places, we go to bars, concerts and walks.

That sounds really fun, and romantic as hell! My long term partner and I love those things too. And often our newer partners do not!

We've been there for each other through a lot of downs and celebrated a lot of ups together. So no, we haven't stopped working at it. I can't encompass our entire relationship in a post (or two) but let's just say it's fulfilling to me, and (according to my partner), it's fulfilling to her too (I would add 'in most areas' because I tend to be a bit of a pedant).

Well, I don't know what you're pedantic about, but I am hearing you have a bit of insecurity around that? That it might drive your partner away slightly?

We opened up not because we wanted a soft break up or a fix, but because we agreed that in time we both might get interested in new people and we wanted to be open and honest about it exactly because we wanted to keep this relationship.

The problem is that - lacking any experience or reference - I get insecure that any of the things we do have are enough to compete with the high of a super intense NRE. As I'm sure you know, there's something special about first-meeting feelings with any new person - and those can't be recreated years down the road, even with constant work. Which is not saying that we don't discover new things about each other, just that it's not the same thrill of meeting and getting to know someone for the first time. You even mentioned the serial NRE seekers of easy romance fix - they exist because of the unique nature of the first time feelings. Anyway, I guess my problem is exactly thinking of it as something that competes rather than something that exists as a parallel to what we have. Unfortunately monogamy has been drilled into me for many years and while my rationale has overcome that, my emotions have apparently not - which is what I tried to get tips on.

As an experienced polyamorist, I can say that, while NRE is heady, obsessive and erotic (hormonal cocktail that it is) there is a good deal of unpleasant anxiety and insecurity around it as well, that can be exhausting. "He loves me, loves me not," kind of stuff. And there is lots of disappointment. A person you think is great, a few months down the road turns out to be actually kind of a creep, or actually boring, or emotionally stunted, immature, or just using you, to have a drug problem, or be a narcissistic monster, etc., etc. How many times have I come to my nesting partner with woes about one more man that has let me down?

But that is my experience after a decade of living poly. When you've barely begun, you don't know how prettifying those rose colored glasses of NRE really are. You both will learn to take NRE with a large grain of salt over time. Just keep solid between the 2 of you.
 
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Kevin: it's all very new so not a large amount of data to go on from but yeah, so far she's trying - even harder than before - to be around me and offer support and love, especially because it's pretty obvious I'm struggling. We'll see how it goes from here.

Rising: thanks for the reassurance. It's especially helpful in such moments to hear that a (somewhat) similar sutiation has worked out, and that the downs are not unsurmountable. Yeah, I definitely will need time to be able to see the postivies for what they are.

Magdlyn: thanks for the insight. Yeah, I think it's partly the novelty of the situation and structure that's frightening me and bringing out the ugly parts of my insecruity. I'm usually much better at handling them, guess I'll need to learn how to handle them in this setup as well. The pedantic part is about the low sex drive because it's a personal sore spot for me and hence my biggest insecurity in any relationship. I'd gotten a good grip of it in the last year or so, but with the new relationship I think I suddenly felt like I've lost chances of working on it between us, because most of the energy will naturally go to the metamour. We talked it through though (and many of the other things I've mentioned in the older posts), and I feel slightly better about it all.

I definitely get you about the not so rosy part of the NRE - it's been a while since I've dated but the weirder stories have stayed with me :D And I certainly hope it'll get easier not to overthink it so mcuh with more expperience.
 
Hi weatherwax,

Maybe a part of this is a trust issue of sorts? Like, you aren't 100% sure if you can trust your partner to stay with you in the face of all this exciting NRE? or maybe you're not completely sure you can trust your partner to continue to spend time with you and be close to you. When she's got something very exciting going on like that. Is that (or something like that) part of this?

Re: libido ... it seems to me like you are saying that the low sex drive is something you wanted to work on with your partner, and now you are losing your chance to do that. Am I understanding right in saying that? If so, have you talked with your partner about it? and if you did, how did she respond?

I know, more questions. :)
With sincere regards,
Kevin T.
 
While loving someone else doesn't mean they love you less, loving someone else does often mean the time/attention you get will could be reduced. Unlike love, they are a finite resource and the attention of a loved one is a powerful thing.

It is natural to feel some loss or to feel threatened that you may have to give up more of it than you feel ready to.

May help to recognize this and see what you are going through as a symptom of well thought out choices both of you have made that matter to you. And to accept that till you know just how much of what you come to count on will have changed or reduced and whether the change is something you feel able/willing to adapt to, you will feel unsettled and anxious.

Sometimes I scam myself like this. If something that causes anxiety is unavoidable, I try to look at it in a reassuring manner - that it is what happens in the phase I am in and is actually a symptom of the poly I choose being put to practice, etc. A satisfaction over enacting my values then sort of becomes a (sometimes poor, but it is something) balm over my anxiety. Maybe it will work for you, maybe it won't. Scamming yourself successfully takes some talent to take what you tell yourself at face value and pretend that is the whole picture. lol

As in, "Insecurity is a correct feeling in the middle of change. Security will return when the new patterns settle" etc
 
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Kvein: yes to all of your questions (except probably I don't see her staying as something I need to trust - she doesn't owe it to me to stay, so either she does, or she doesn't - I'll deal with whatever comes to pass). We talked about the other issues and agreed that it's not a closed door - even if right now I'm feeling that it might be a while before we're on the same wave length there.

Thanks for the advice, anamikanon - the self-scamming actually works to an extent, and it helps me deal with the emotions better; as you said, reaffirming that some fear / anxiety goes along with every change has at least helped me to not feel like a hypocrite when I'm having a difficult moment.

These difficult moments happen less often and are less intense than they were - so I think I'm making some progress. Still need to learn how to cope with direct triggers but I think that'll get easier with time too. My partner and I talk a lot, and while I still feel a little guilty that most of these talks end up being heavy and probably dampening her mood, I realise that it's better to hash it out and I've become way more open as a result. Started seeing a therapist to independantly work on the inisecurity/inadequacy feelings some more. Now probably just need to work on broadening my social life to have more options for distractions when they need time together.
 
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