weatherwax
New member
Hi folks,
I did quite a bit of reading before I registered, so I apologise in advance for posting the n-th variation of this topic. But I could really use some advice and help processing things, and there's no-one in my circle that I can actually talk this through with.
So a bit of background: me and my partner (both F) have been together for almost 7 years now, and we decided to open up the relationship 2 or 3 years ago. I was the one who suggested it but the final decision was mutual, based on several factors, including some sexual incompatibility.
Since then my partner's had two attempt as relationships; the 1st one didn't go so well, and she's just entering the second one. I'm rationally completely fine with the idea - and emotionally I really want her to be happy and find the things she needs to be happy. However, both times a new person has appeared in her life, I experience a very strong emotional reaction that's becoming a problem. I've took the time to exmine it as best as I could and I'm relieved to find that it's not based on jealousy or something idiotic like a sense of ownership, but more in serious feeling of inadequacy and insecurity. Both are things that I'm aware of in myself (and I'm trying to work) and while they're older issues, the appearance of a new person seems to exacerabte them.
I've tried to rein all that in so that it doesn't interfere with her relationships (as I realise those are mine inividual issues that I need to sort out), but it's a pretty strong emotional response. I can't really manage/hide it all the time, and I can't communicate it clearly enough in a way that doesn't feel unfair to her. It makes her apprehensive of telling me when a new person appears because she doesn't want to hurt me. And it's making me feel utterly shitty for suggesting the idea in the first place and then handling it this poorly - to the point where it's ruining her NRE high apparently, which is something I really don't want to do. So it's a bit of a vicious circle - my reaction only heightens the inadequacy issues because here's one more thing that I'm failing to do properly.
I guess what I'm asking it it... is it somewhat expected to feel some insecurity in the first stages of transitioning to poly, and are there any tips of dealing with that? I really want to make this work but I know my issues won't disappear overnight even if I'm trying to work on them, and I have no reference in navigating a situation like this.
I did quite a bit of reading before I registered, so I apologise in advance for posting the n-th variation of this topic. But I could really use some advice and help processing things, and there's no-one in my circle that I can actually talk this through with.
So a bit of background: me and my partner (both F) have been together for almost 7 years now, and we decided to open up the relationship 2 or 3 years ago. I was the one who suggested it but the final decision was mutual, based on several factors, including some sexual incompatibility.
Since then my partner's had two attempt as relationships; the 1st one didn't go so well, and she's just entering the second one. I'm rationally completely fine with the idea - and emotionally I really want her to be happy and find the things she needs to be happy. However, both times a new person has appeared in her life, I experience a very strong emotional reaction that's becoming a problem. I've took the time to exmine it as best as I could and I'm relieved to find that it's not based on jealousy or something idiotic like a sense of ownership, but more in serious feeling of inadequacy and insecurity. Both are things that I'm aware of in myself (and I'm trying to work) and while they're older issues, the appearance of a new person seems to exacerabte them.
I've tried to rein all that in so that it doesn't interfere with her relationships (as I realise those are mine inividual issues that I need to sort out), but it's a pretty strong emotional response. I can't really manage/hide it all the time, and I can't communicate it clearly enough in a way that doesn't feel unfair to her. It makes her apprehensive of telling me when a new person appears because she doesn't want to hurt me. And it's making me feel utterly shitty for suggesting the idea in the first place and then handling it this poorly - to the point where it's ruining her NRE high apparently, which is something I really don't want to do. So it's a bit of a vicious circle - my reaction only heightens the inadequacy issues because here's one more thing that I'm failing to do properly.
I guess what I'm asking it it... is it somewhat expected to feel some insecurity in the first stages of transitioning to poly, and are there any tips of dealing with that? I really want to make this work but I know my issues won't disappear overnight even if I'm trying to work on them, and I have no reference in navigating a situation like this.