So I'm giving dating another shot

anamikanon

New member
Don't recall if I posted here about it, but I tried finding someone on Tinder and it went pretty poorly. I found a few interesting people, but there was no spark and eventually I just got irritated and bored and etc and deleted my account.

Now I've signed up for OKC. The endless questions they ask about everything and the match % and comparisons of answers and match % across categories, etc is very useful for me to feel comfortable. At least I know going in what someone's views are on things that I consider important and if there is a mismatch on key issues, I can ignore them without wasting endless time finding things out and getting irritated over time wasted on unsuitable people.

So far, so good.

Matched with a couple of people, chatted with one extensively, and exchanged a few words with another two.

So far, nothing seems to be sparking on the romantic front, but at least I'm not irritated.

My problem is that I am a sapiosexual as well as demisexual (at least what I can make out from descriptions). There is no such thing as an immediate spark unless the person really stuns me with their perception on an issue that holds value to me. Or something.

I've never used dating apps before.

Interested in any advice anyone can share on how to survive the initial phase or improve chances of finding more princes than frogs.
 
Make sure that you only answer the questions that are really important to you and label them as such. Too many important things will very much water down your match percentages.

You can find intelligence as a spark even in chatting. That's how I always found mine, and in my opinion, it's a really good filter. If someone can hold a good conversation in text then they likely can do it in real life as well. I think this is especially true for women looking for men.
 
Make sure that you only answer the questions that are really important to you and label them as such. Too many important things will very much water down your match percentages.

This is a very good point. I have already noticed that me answering whatever question showed up has resulted in some "high" matches being for random things that don't matter to me and the things that really matter (religion being low priority, political views, etc) actually not matching!

Are we able to remove our answers on things we don't want? I fear I have answered too much random nonsense.

You can find intelligence as a spark even in chatting. That's how I always found mine, and in my opinion, it's a really good filter. If someone can hold a good conversation in text then they likely can do it in real life as well. I think this is especially true for women looking for men.

Thank you. This is what I am hoping for as well.
 
It sounds like you are on a mission. IME, if you look too hard you won't find what you are looking for.

Personally, I prefer to meet rather than do endless messaging. If meeting for coffee or a drink takes too much energy then how are they going to pull off having a relationship? Also, what's up with women expecting me to dazzle them in one or two messages. How about dazzling me? I'm chatting with someone on OKC and they aren't giving me much to work with. I got a message on Tinder a couple days ago. "How are you?"

Thanks to so many a-hole guys there is lots of negativity out there. I do much better meeting potential dates by going out, but I'm more comfortable doing that. I got tired of writing well thought out messages that just get ignored.

OK...I feel better now...lol
 
I am on a sort of mission. Planning to break my poly virginity. lol. Mostly a whim thing. Won't break my heart if it doesn't happen, but I figured it is time to be curious.

It isn't so much about them dazzling me immediately, but the kind of sexual expectations they have.... there is no chance of me feeling the same unless they dazzle me into horniness with outstanding brilliance (sapio, remember?) or something.

All I feel is repulsed like someone groped me on a bus or something. (No, I'm not asexual, I just find this creepy-max)
 
I am on a sort of mission. Planning to break my poly virginity. lol. Mostly a whim thing. Won't break my heart if it doesn't happen, but I figured it is time to be curious.

It isn't so much about them dazzling me immediately, but the kind of sexual expectations they have.... there is no chance of me feeling the same unless they dazzle me into horniness with outstanding brilliance (sapio, remember?) or something.

All I feel is repulsed like someone groped me on a bus or something. (No, I'm not asexual, I just find this creepy-max)

Whether it's culture or hormones, this is the way dating apps are set up. Women -very- rarely reach out first and guys are over-aggressive and jerks. Do not hesitate to abandon any conversation/person you are not interested in. I always appreciated a "I'm sorry, I'm no longer interested" but I do not fault anyone for ghosting on those sites, and anyone that responds disrespectfully should be blocked. Don't waste time on nonsense unless it's fun nonsense.

The good news is that when you find the guy that isn't a jerk, it allows you to concentrate on him more until he becomes a jerk errr I mean has a conversation and you can figure out if you have compatibility.

I had good luck. I know Txgirl did too. But typically, you do have to wade through a bunch before you find something promising.
 
The problem with online dating is the premise that there is the 'one' that you are the 'one' to match with. A prospector mentalite. As with every other field of human endeavour, by and large, you get out of relationships what you invest in them. A worker mentalite.
 
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I am on a sort of mission. Planning to break my poly virginity. lol. Mostly a whim thing. Won't break my heart if it doesn't happen, but I figured it is time to be curious.

It isn't so much about them dazzling me immediately, but the kind of sexual expectations they have.... there is no chance of me feeling the same unless they dazzle me into horniness with outstanding brilliance (sapio, remember?) or something.

All I feel is repulsed like someone groped me on a bus or something. (No, I'm not asexual, I just find this creepy-max)

Cat used to share messages with me. I know a lot of guys are creepy. I just don't understand why. Being like can't work, can it?
 
Cat used to share messages with me. I know a lot of guys are creepy. I just don't understand why. Being like can't work, can it?

I had got into a conversation with a guy on Tinder who had asked about the sex right off the bat. Something about how I'd like him to get me off and if I like oral sex or something - don't recall exactly. It was exactly this that got me curious. What exactly was he expecting beginning a conversation like that. So, geeking it, I sort of did an impromptu interview.

1. He wanted to have a lot of sex and didn't want to waste time on women who didn't want it. My profile actually said sex was completely off the table unless we had a relationship. He said that it didn't mean anything, women just write that to keep jerks away. :rolleyes:

2. I asked him how many women he is able to find like that. He said he has 7 current partners and countless ones in the past, because he has a very high sex drive. Or something.

3. I asked another chap I was chatting with about how many women he matched with on Tinder and said there were hardly any women on Tinder in our area (India has a fairly conservative society overall, so this wasn't a big surprise) and he rarely saw a new face and maybe one match a month..... and he had never been able to get anyone to agree.

4. "Don't worry, I'll take care of you and pay for everything. You just have to show up." Where? Some cheap place that rents rooms by the hour. There are many. I didn't even know we had any in our area!

Leads me to conclude that there is a lot of hormone driven wishful thinking going on and NO IDEA how to initiate a conversation with a woman they'd like to get close to. Sadly, a woman also appears to be the last person he'd take feedback from.

Or perhaps he was addicted to going to brothels or something and trying to supplemet it with free women from Tinder or something.

Or there is a secret world of horny women that I missed whom anyone can ask about sex and they are immediately onboard.

Or prostitutes may be using Tinder to get clients. No match? Never mind, just pay me and...? (But none of the other guys reported an abundance of women on Tinder)

This is a little short on detail, because he wasn't really eloquent - more like a perma-ad for sex. "You'll have the time of your life" "You'll save your relationship with your guy who leaves you frustrated (huh?)" etc

He was one of the creepier examples. Most aren't this .... odd.
 
If I'm looking for a real person with whom I might want a physical relationship, their having a great online presence is vastly insufficient. YMMV.

IMO, the "sapiosexual" thing cannot happen unless I'm speaking to someone face-to-face.

There are those who're brilliant IRL but not so great online, & those who are dullards when keyboard-deprived. A great online romance should maybe remain virtual.
 
If I'm looking for a real person with whom I might want a physical relationship, their having a great online presence is vastly insufficient. YMMV.

IMO, the "sapiosexual" thing cannot happen unless I'm speaking to someone face-to-face.

There are those who're brilliant IRL but not so great online, & those who are dullards when keyboard-deprived. A great online romance should maybe remain virtual.

I have been attracted to people on the basis of things they say/write. Including people I haven't interacted with, simply come across something they did.

I get your point that meeting them may be a better idea. Maybe I should try to meet the non-creeps to see if they seem interesting in person. Sounding like a lot of work while I'm not attracted.
 
I have been attracted to people on the basis of things they say/write. Including people I haven't interacted with, simply come across something they did.


Me, too.

Dating apps/websites are just one more way to meet people. OKC is (IME) is the best online source to zero in on like minded potential partners if your aim is anything other than hookups. Meeting online is efficient and effective, especially if you resonate with people who can write their thoughts fairly well. I have found an astonishing correlation between messaging interaction and in-person interaction. I am drawn to not just smart people, but intellectually curious people and OKC is a really good way to get a feel for whether someone has this basic attribute. I'm not looking for more partners now, but when I was, OKC was a goldmine of satisfying new people, whether they were dates or turned out to be friends. Yes, there are an awful lot of silly men on there, but I hear that there are an awful lot of silly women, as well. As in all of life, just pass on the food that you don't want in the buffet line and dig into the meals that appeal.
 
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You can change your answers. You can mark them as not important and supposedly they won't count in a match percentage. You can make a question private so people can't see how you answered. The problem with answering fewer questions is it can raise percentages. There is nothing worse than seeing a 99% match that only answered 5 questions lol.
 
OKC used to have questions you could mark as 'mandatory' - if the answers didn't match, that person would not be as high a match. They have since gotten rid of this. You can only mark something as 'important'. Which means I see SO MANY 90% or higher matches from people who are monogamous. It's a waste of both our times to be matched so highly yet have a fundamental incompatibility. Monogamy/non-monogamy is one of those deal breaker questions, like wanting children or not. I really wish they would bring back the mandatory questions.

I dunno. I wish you luck OP. I've found online dating to be a wasteland. Hopefully your experience will be better.
 
Re (from anamikanon):


I am thinking this can't be done. But I could be wrong.

You can change your answers. You can mark them as not important and supposedly they won't count in a match percentage. You can make a question private so people can't see how you answered. The problem with answering fewer questions is it can raise percentages. There is nothing worse than seeing a 99% match that only answered 5 questions lol.

Unless it has changed very recently, you absolutely can change or delete Q and As entirely. I've done it a LOT.

anami, did you pay to join OKC? I've been a free member for close to a decade, but a few months ago it became unusable to me very suddenly.
 
I figured out deleting the OKC questions - they are locked from editing for 24 hours. After which you can re-answer them to change the answer or clear the question.

Hope this helps someone.
 
I've had two online relationships, meaning I met them online long distance and we talked for what seemed like forever. The first one was a complete disappointment in person. Nothing like what they conveyed online. The second couldn't get themselves together to meet me after a little over a year.

I bash OKC but I've only talked to three women on there. The first was insane. The second went very well. The current one is meh, but we may go out when I get back.
 
Anyone poly or kinky who is on OKC should get the OKCupid for the Non-Mainstream User add-in for Chrome. You tell it which questions you care about, and as you view a profile, it shows you the answers to those questions in a sidebar. Huge time-saver.

I've had several relationships with people I met on OKC (mostly monogamous, though I've been on several dates with poly folk and had one poly relationship...and also had a phone/online only relationship that was just fun and went on for quite a while). It may be easier because I live in NYC, so it's relatively easy to meet up with people. I do find that men want to meet up for a quick drink ASAP, rather than communicating online for a while first. They don't want to invest time in something that may go nowhere because for many, attraction can't happen unless there's a physical spark.

It can feel like a waste of time to go on lots of dates that go nowhere, but you can do things like scheduling an hour for a date and scheduling something afterward nearby with a friend, so it's not a wasted evening. Or, plan to do something you really want to do anyway (agree in advance to go dutch) so at least you can enjoy the activity, if not the company.

I share your frustration with people's desire to move quickly, because the people I'm most likely to click with long term would be people I don't feel instant attraction for, but whose intellect and personality impresses me over several dates. What has tended to happen, instead, is that I date people I find really physically attractive, but I lose interest after a couple of months because there isn't enough of an intellectual connection. There have been guys who were willing to be patient about getting physical after I explained my dilemma, but I still felt pressured by the fact that they were obviously interested and I didn't know how I felt yet, and it was hard for either dater to be our best selves on those dates. I don't have a great solution and am currently thinking I'm better off focusing on enjoying single life.

That said, I met some interesting people on OKC that I would not have met IRL. And if you don't have some kind of poly meetup in your area, it may be your best bet for finding someone local. If nothing else, it's good to date occasionally just for practice so you don't forget how.
 
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