Not sure what to do

Hi all

First I wanted to thank you for your continued support as you are a safe place for me to post and give me great advice and often new ways to look at a situation.

So, a little background...I'm married (28 yrs) and poly for almost 7 yrs with my SO. He is also married ( 35 yrs) and his wife was in a long term poly relationship (8 yrs) until about a year ago.
There has been a lot adjustments with loss of private time and the addition of "thruple" time but all in all I think things are going well. I do always feel now that I am dealing with a time deficit with my SO but right now that can't be helped.

What I'm struggling with is this: my SO and I love to go on adventures...big ones and little ones. We have a lot of common interests and travel well together.
We have been talking about 2 big adventures and planning things loosely until the time comes to book the details. His wife had always known about these planned adventures and was never interested in them because she would rather spend her vacation time relaxing on a beach somewhere. That is until now.
Suddenly now, she is including herself in these trips...talking as if she is going. Neither of us had invited her or has ever given her the impression that it was a trip for the 3 of us.
I don't know how to handle this. I certainly am not willing to spend my very limited vacation time with her and honestly feel angry that she feels she can just include herself now. My SO says not to worry because she always says she wants to do things but never follows through. I don't really think thats the point.

Am I being unreasonable here? I feel such an anger and resentment that just writing this is upsetting me.

My SO thinks he has found a solution by dividing our big trips in half...he spends half the trip with her and then I fly out to spend the remaining time with him. I am willing to do this. But that is not helping my anger at her assumption that because she is his wife that she should now be included in these trips.

Is she right? Does she have the right to do that? Do I just live with it? Do I tell her that she wasn't invited?

I'm stuck...and angry 😳
 
I guess I don't understand why you are going to feel angry rather than communicate directly. If you feel upset she's assuming, correct the assumption. Then you don't have to feel mad any more because it gets addressed.

Suddenly now, she is including herself in these trips...talking as if she is going. Neither of us had invited her or has ever given her the impression that it was a trip for the 3 of us.

Like..."Hey, I don't want to mean or anything. But this adventure trip was just for me and hinge. You hadn't been invited.

Do you mean you want to be included somewhere? Like hinge has 3 days with me alone for adventure trip, 1-2 day with all three, then 3 days with you alone for relaxing trip? I'd be up for that and helping to plan a multi-part vacation."

It's possible to be firm with kindness. State clearly what you are and are not up for.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Gala girl

Yes you're right...maybe I'm the one that feels like she has the right to do it because she is his wife?

Those suggestions would have been perfect at the time lol...is it ok for me to pipe up? Is that something for my SO to discuss with her?

I think that I am really hesitant to confront her...and I do feel that it would be a confrontation. In the past she can be very difficult to deal with hence my SO's habit of just leaving things rather then call her on it at the time. This is something I really need to work on as well.
 
Yes you're right...maybe I'm the one that feels like she has the right to do it because she is his wife?

If you believe that is ok to do, you wouldn't be mad about it.

I will assume she isn't trying to be mean. Just that some long term couples take it for granted that the spouse is always welcome, can always tag along, they function like "joined at the hip." She may or may not even be aware she's doing it. Esp if he's never said boo about this behavior before. Couple privilege stuff.

If that's been their pattern in the past when it was just her and him? Well, it is NOT just her and him any more. The sooner everyone realizes that the better.

Those suggestions would have been perfect at the time lol...is it ok for me to pipe up?

People cannot mind reader. I think it is your job to speak up in the things that concern you. You are going on this trip. It concerns you enough to feel angry. So speak up.

Is that something for my SO to discuss with her?

Well, you already asked him to address it. His preference is to let it ride like he always does and bank on her losing interest in the end. You don't sound happy with that passive a solution.

You can either ask him to address it more directly, or address it yourself directly. I think it is easier if people speak up about their own things themselves. Everyone carries their own baggage.

I think that I am really hesitant to confront her...and I do feel that it would be a confrontation.

Why does problem solving have to be confrontational rather than just sorting misunderstandings out peacefully?

If it is (hard to have the conversation because you feel hesitant) and it is (hard to NOT have the conversation because you then feel angry)... pick your hard.

In the past she can be very difficult to deal with hence my SO's habit of just leaving things rather then call her on it at the time.

Difficult HOW? And isn't that his problem with her? If how (he and her) solve problems is like X? What does it have to do with you?

How (you and she) solve things can be like Y. You don't have to do things the same as him.

This is something I really need to work on as well.

And here you have opportunity.

SOLUTION 1: YOU BE DIRECT NOW

It is not too late to say something like

"Hey, remember that conversation the other day? I wanted to make sure we are on the same page.

The adventure trip part was just for me and hinge. As far as I know, you hadn't been invited to that part. Did you mean you want to be included somewhere? Like hinge has 3 days with me alone for adventure trip, 1-2 day with all three, then 3 days with you alone for relaxing trip? I'd be up for that and helping to plan a multi-part vacation.

I need to know what kind of vacation we are shooting for and how much time to plan for each part so hotel and similar can be arranged. What are your thoughts so time with hinge is shared fairly? Could you be willing to have a trip planning conversation in trio?"​

Confidence is grown by DOING. Like a muscle you exercise. It does not fall out of the sky. So... if there are things to sort out here, lean into it and get it sorted. Be willing to better develop your problem solving skills rather than avoiding.


SOLUTION 2: ASK HIM TO BE DIRECT NOW AND YOU BE DIRECT NEXT TIME

Tell hinge to sort it out with his wife. You will let this time slide without saying anything. But the adventure trip part? It is just you and him. What extra trip things he does before or after that part is on him. So if he wants to add extra days to also do a trip with wife that's his deal.

And next time? You are going to speak up in the moment and call her on it.

"As far as I know you were not invited to this trip. You are talking like you are coming. Do I need to know something?

Galagirl
 
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Hi stillfiguringthingsout,

I am wondering why your SO's wife is doing this. Inserting herself like this. Has she ever done anything like this before? Does she have a history of acting out? Is she trying to assert her position over you as "The Wife?" Why would she need/want to do that?

I am thinking this is a problem for your SO to handle. That is, he should be the one who talks to his wife. If these are supposed to be trips for just you and him, he should say that to his wife. Unless you're willing to work out some sort of a compromise, and maybe in that case all three of you should sit down together and talk. But I am thinking that this is a power play on her part, and that you don't want to accomodate her at all.

I don't blame you for being upset. I hope the forum will help you to figure out what to do.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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