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Old 02-02-2018, 04:34 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Originally Posted by Dop8526 View Post
There were things that could have been handled better by all parties involved, so I'm trying to learn from that and move forward more aware. Thanks.
Your GF quit texting because she had reason to believe her communication with you was not private. She was speaking civilly and in a friendly manner with your wife. What was she supposed to have done better?

Originally Posted by Dop8526 View Post
I may have to give up on being poly if I am with her, because I know it also hurt my gf to do what she did and now that I'm not as hurt I understand why, whether or not I agree with how.
Did your GF break up with you over this?

Originally Posted by Dop8526 View Post
I agree, people aren't throwaways, .... On the other hand if its bound to hurt them in the long run anyways what more can i do but as much as i can to prevent more people from getting hurt, including myself.

It just seems to me like she doesn't feel like she's doing anything wrong like these things are all her right as my wife
What you can do is tell your wife to grow up and behave and stop causing trouble.

As long as your wife knows you're going to stay with her no matter what, and ultimately side with her no matter what, why would she change anything? Of course she's going to insist she hasn't done anything wrong because she knows you will ultimately back her up and either break up with any GF she doesn't like, or just keep letting her act up until the GF has enough and leaves.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
If I had a bf like that... I'd break up with him. I'd blame him and his weak boundaries and ineffective negotiations with his wife around practicing polyamory.
I agree with this. It's exactly why I broke up with my BF. He refused to set any limits on his wife's game playing with me--same as you. I found out my communication with him wasn't private, just like your GF. I made attempts to reach out and begin building a friendship with her but it wasn't her way, on her time schedule, she gave me barely lukewarm responses, and, like you, he ended up acting as if I should have done something different.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
you are being a crap partner to your gf.

You have several choices:

Get your wife to agree to Close your relationship (both of you stop seeing your OSOs) until clearer rules are set up that apply to BOTH of you, or

Break up with wife if she refuses to agree to equal rules, or if she agrees but doesn't follow through, or

Go on as you are, being a pushover and hurting your gf and allowing your wife to hurt you
I agree with the first. But if you're still seeing this GF and you break up with her and close, then you are treating her exactly as a throwaway. It's exactly this attitude--oh, well, just close if it doesn't work (and break up with people you got involved with who now have their hearts tangled up in it)--that led me to call my blog Collateral Damage.

Originally Posted by Dop8526 View Post
I don't know if I had mentioned this already but it may be relevant to say that this was the first person that I dated after we decided we wanted to be poly. So part of it was a learning experience for me also, not that that's any excuse or makes it any fairer for anybody involved.
People are not throw aways. And people are not 'learning experiences.' She wasn't your training wheels. She's a human being with a life and feelings. How do you think it feels to be treated disrespectfully, to have your boyfriend ALLOW it, to have your heart broken and then have the one who did it say, "Oh, well, it was a learning experience for me?"

It is attitudes like this that led me to call my blog Collateral Damage. It says, "Oh, well, as long as the couple stays together, we're really sorry you got hurt, but....we're fine."

Here's my advice. Tell your wife shape up or she's the one who goes.
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