OK, as the title suggests, I am having a bit of a Days of Our Lives moment.
I have posted on this forum once before as I was new to polyamory and not sure how to handle my first r.ship being polyamorous. when I first met my now ex boyfriend he had a girlfriend, and told me he was poly and explained what it was to me.. I was really intrigued by his personality and by how much we had in common, so I obliged to go out on a date with him.
We fell in love and dated for a while whilst he was still with her, and I even befriended her and tried my hardest not to get jealous. Eventually (even though he was a sweetheart in every respect) the thought of knowing he was with her and the extreme jealousy got to me, and I met another guy who offered me monogamy. Except this new guy wasn't very nice and he was a bit controlling, so I dumped him and went back to the boyfriend. This happened over and over, each time I would get more involved with the 'new boy'. As my boyfriend was poly he had no problem with me being with the other person, so long as me being with them did not impede or infringe on our relationship.
I met him just over a year ago now, and he is no longer with the other girl. They broke it off for their own reasons. Still, eventually I got so jealous I started to get controlling and got really offended and touchy when he mentioned anything about another girl being pretty or anything. One time I met another 'new guy' and thought I fell in love with him. I told the boyfriend that I wasn't sexually attracted to him and that I don't love him. Perhaps this was a result of my insecurities, but many stressful weeks later I came crawling back to the boyfriend. Whilst I was free to do what I wanted (as we were poly), I wasn't being loving and threatened to leave him for the new guy. So he cheated on me and I found out months later, he said he would normally have been honest (being poly) but he did it because he felt unloved by me and didn't tell me because he was scared of my reaction, and held it in. I broke up with him when I found out and we are only just healing now.
The problem is that I don't know why I keep straying. The truth is he adores me and was very hurt by my actions. I forgave him for cheating on me because I understood the circumstances under which he did it. He is perfect in every other sphere, always there for me and says he wants to marry me and will respect my every wish and says he will not do anything that makes me uncomfortable. He says that if we want to heal we need to fix the way I made him feel, and we need to fix my lack of sexual attraction. I'm not sure what came first - the chicken or the egg? Is it my lack of sexual attraction that's causing me to stray or is it the polyamory and my jealousy that put me off him sexually?
He is so perfect and amazing and I want it to work, I know how much he adores me. But when we have sex I don't feel excited like I have felt with other guys.
I'm really sorry for the length of this post, just thought I'd share my thoughts with you all. There's so much more to this, but not enough time.
Thanks so much for reading and for any thoughts.