Ok, I guess I didn't make myself clear. What I meant is that among this forum and my limited experience with polyamory, it seems like every case I see in a mono/poly relationship involves the mono having to give up their definition of relationships, love, commitment, etc. and learn to be okay with their partner seeing other people. To most monos, it would probably be more acceptable to know that their partner was cheating on them and then have the chance to work through it and forgive them for it; as opposed to having to learn to be okay knowing that your partner's love is divided (yes, I know that's not how it works, but that's how it feels to me, a mono), and their attention is divided (yes, it is, you can't pay full attention to two people simultaneously), and that they're having sex with somebody else besides you, and sharing secrets and deep spiritual connections and dreams and ideas with somebody else besides you. The reality is that those kinds of things can make a mono feel useless, hopeless, not needed, and a whole host of other things. Going from thinking you're the one person your partner can and will come to for anything, to knowing that they don't *need* you...hurts.
I know that the majority of mono/poly relationships out in the world probably end up with the poly thinking there's something wrong with them and covering it up, or trying to play it off as kink or something. And I am well aware of the human tendency towards group marriage or multiple relationships, and that monogamy is mostly (though not entirely) a cultural thing. Yes, I know men and many of them of Judeo-Christian upbringing have been controlling the world and doing horrible things and repressing/oppressing people and forcing their beliefs on others. I know that male-dominated societies do the whole "man owns wife/wives" thing. I also know that there is a culture in which multiple men (usually brothers) marry the same woman, because it prevents the family's possessions from being split apart once the torch is passed to the next generation. I'm quite familiar with anthropology and sociology and sexual psychology. That's the stuff I was interested in when I was in college. I read about it and discussed it at great length with my partners and friends throughout the last decade.
I'm sure the world would be a better place if everyone was free to be themselves, within reason. I'm sure relationships would be much better if everyone accepted polyamory as a reality and was okay with it. And those who weren't would just pair up and be monogamous and devoted and happy, too.
I wish the world was that way. But it's not.
My point from the beginning of this still stands. A mono in a mono/poly relationship finds out that his/her partner is polyamorous, and the mono has to learn to be okay with that, or else leave. I understand this is about giving rights and recognition to polyamorous individuals. I know a polyamorous individual has to risk everything when explaining it to their partners, but the fact that there are monos trying to work with it and get through it and accept it should be a taken as a show of faith. There are those of us who are willing. We just don't know how, and don't know where to start.
I would love to be able to just turn off the part of me that gets upset when I think about my wife having sex with somebody else and loving somebody else and how that means I get much more alone time than I'm comfortable with, but I can't have another partner because I'm not okay with doing that to my wife because I feel like I'm betraying her, even though I *know* the rules don't work that way. The fact of the matter is thus: I can't turn it off. Not that easily. I have to learn to be okay with something I'm not okay with. And I'm not the only one who has to do this. That's why I brought up this topic. That's why I asked the question.
It is painful for us, and while there is support for us to help us learn and grow and adapt to poly, there also seems this expectation that we actually survive the process. The pressure, really, is what I'm talking about. The pressure makes it really difficult to talk about this calmly.
Please understand that I know all of these things. The logical part of my brain can map this out and understand it and analyze it, but emotions don't work that way, and fear doesn't let go of its choke-hold very easily. Jealousy is a primal instinct. It is wired into many (not all) of us, and it's there for a reason. Nothing happened by accident. No, I'm not saying God did it, but I'm saying that while random things happen all the time, where we are now is because of where we were and what we were doing then. Jealousy and fear and a sense of betrayal is normal and healthy, and should not be shunned and shot down.
I'm saying that I think we should be more gentle. We should be very very careful not to put any more pressure on the situation. If it's going to happen, then it will happen, and if not, then it won't.
Now I'm sorry I went off on a rant. Obviously I still have things to work through.
I'm such a drama factory when I'm on here.
Oh, and while I may not be Christian or even necessarily believe in a single higher power who is omnipotent and omniscient and omnibenevolent, I do believe in the right of those people to have their beliefs and live their lives the way they want to (provided they don't hurt others while doing it). Telling them they're wrong won;t help make them recognize your existence, they will recognise you as a threat, and you know what else is a threat? The Devil. And therefore your threatening stature to them invalidates you to them. I was quite the pagan/wiccan in high school, and I was angry at Christians too. They have had control over a rather large portion of the world's history for a really long time. I've evolved and come to accept that what has happened has happened and what will happen will happen, and I'm just along for the ride, in the grand scheme of things.
So please don't think I'm Christian or promoting monogamy. I'm not. I'm just another pebble being swept along in the current, and I really want to find an anchor point and stay still and get a chance to absorb the world around me, but I'm gripping and slipping and just getting carried away. I want to be okay with poly. I want to *be* poly, but I think that might be taking it a bit far. But mostly I just want to be happy, and I want my wife to be happy.
And LovingRadiance's post happened while I was writing mine, so I missed it. I'm here to edit a little and acknowledge her post. She is right. Most mono people expect the other party in their relationship to be the same. It provides a sense of primal security, in that sameness. Knowing what to expect and all that jazz. Rarely does a poly expect their partner to be the same; this is true. But if the mono has a hard time accepting the poly for the way they are, problems ensue, feelings get hurt, and it just generally sucks. The mono, if they want to stay in the relationship, has to change everything about themselves so that they can be ok and secure.