poly relationships in relation to mono ones

For the record, I do NOT see poly-fi as the same as monogamy.

Poly-fi can be a huge family of non-monogamous people. You are still non-monogamous, you are still open minded and you have still found multiple people to love. In the end, even though the relationship is consciously closed, you still have the "possibility" of something else happening.

I would bet mono would agree to. There is not really a chance of the door ever being shut completely.. I could be wrong of course...

In monogamy, that door, those risks to the heart, all of that.. is closed. Monogamy is safe.. poly-fi.. is "mostly" safe. Maybe.. sort of.. kinda ;) ;)

Thats always been my take anyways.
 
I guess I could talk about our experience exclusively. We did that last year and it ended up being a discussion, in part anyway, on why you shouldn't date a mono or shouldn't expect someone who has been poly and decides to be a mono to stay mono. I dunno, I was just hoping to add more from others thoughts on what they have noticed and what has worked for them.

Ari- I have not been monogamous in about 17 years now, I thought I could at least pass for it a bit in order to understand a bit. Maybe not. There is always room for change in my life in terms of relationship dynamic. Poly fi or not. Maybe that is the difference between poly and mono? Although there is room for change in anyones life, its just in monogamy the change means an ending, in mine it means the possibility of new beginnings, a shuffle of priorities, focus and an addition of more love.
 
I guess I could talk about our experience exclusively. We did that last year and it ended up being a discussion, in part anyway, on why you shouldn't date a mono or shouldn't expect someone who has been poly and decides to be a mono to stay mono. I dunno, I was just hoping to add more from others thoughts on what they have noticed and what has worked for them.

Would mono do it like a dual speaker. Create the mono/poly dichotomy right on stage?

Ari- I have not been monogamous in about 17 years now, I thought I could at least pass for it a bit in order to understand a bit. Maybe not. There is always room for change in my life in terms of relationship dynamic. Poly fi or not. Maybe that is the difference between poly and mono? Although there is room for change in anyones life, its just in monogamy the change means an ending, in mine it means the possibility of new beginnings, a shuffle of priorities, focus and an addition of more love.

My take on mono is exactly that. There is no room for change in the relationship dynamic. The core structure remains the same.

No matter how -fi a poly person is.. there is still.. possible restructuring. A new person could sweep in and well.. change the dynamic even slightly..

Poly really requires a constant level of adaptability that monogamy just doesn't require.
 
Gosh, Ari, all those little winky faces! You are so cute.

*blush*.. well now.. I tend to overuse them on the forums because I am not much of a winker.. I closely resemble someone with bells pallsy. So I stick to overt flirting and kissy faces.. goes over well hahaha
 
For the record, I do NOT see poly-fi as the same as monogamy.

Agreed!

I've been thinking how to answer this question and still having difficulty so I appologize in advance as I'm just thowing out some random thoughts here.

Mono relationships (esp marriage) have the ILLUSSION of permanence and saftey. Kinda like a road trip, where marriage is the destination. For me, I was in fear that some one else would come along and replace me. I would not be necessary and therefore would be tossed aside.

ie. Most of us ladies know we can never have too many shoes:p. Well a mono would think that since I already have a pair of black heels, if I bring home these great new ones, I must get rid of the old ones. Since the old ones are comfortable, already broken in and still in great condition, the new ones stay at the store.

You can replace shoes, with techno gagets or such. Why do I need an ipad, I have a perfectly good laptop at home? The laptop has all the programs I need already on it, it has all my reports, favorites and other stuff already stored and the thought of going from PC to Apple formats scares the crap out of me...


Also to use some sailing references:
Some sailors like to rig their boat so nearly the whole thing can run on auto-pilot. There is only one set of sails (maybe a backup) that can be adjusted as needed and the winches have motors so they can be handled by only one person. They set their course and stick to it. If the wind changes, make adjustments in the sails or even turn on the motor, but stay the course. They live for the calm times.

Then there are others who rig their boat for a race. There might be 5-6 different sails to adjust for various conditions. It requires multiple people to working together to make even the slightest change. Changes can be slow and well planned out or can be sharp, fast and hair raising. The calm times cause aggitation due to inactivity. Everyone is happy when things are in constant motion and excited when sudden changes are required. The calm times are good for catching your breath (and grabbing a beer or two) in-between the chaos.

I hope that made sense.
 
  • Mono relationship structures tend to be more about ownership and control of partners and partnership.
  • Mono relationships tend to put "the relationship" on a pedistal of what is accomplished rather than "the individual." The individual effort, pride in personal work and being/acting individually seems to be more important and necessary in poly.
  • In mono relationships their tend to be the belief that love is scarce and we should all be holding on to it rather than love is abundant and found everywhere as in many poly relationships

I think you're conflating patriarchy and monogamy. Though I believe that they are mutual reinforcing systems - especially because of how monogamy is most commonly practiced. Monogamy is an efficient way to keep women entrained to their biology while allowing men greater flexibility and control.

They are, however, separate systems in my view. As others have pointed out, you can have monogamy without control, ownership and the like. Of course, you can have poly with huge doses of all that same crap (perhaps more likely in polyfidelity situations). Just because women are complicit in their own sexual and financial indentured servitude via traditional monogamous expectations does not mean its not all about patriachy than anything else.

In essence, monogamy (a "simple" preference or orientation for emotional and sexual exclusivity) is tainted by patriarchy (a system of control and subjugation).
 
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SNeacail- that's a really interesting way to look at it all, thanks! :)

MA- are you referring to all the points I suggested? Or just one, just a couple? I hadn't thought of it that way. I have never been in a relationship where my partner has conducted him/herself the way I have portrayed it in my points. Perhaps I am confusing two systems.
 
SNeacail- that's a really interesting way to look at it all, thanks! :)

MA- are you referring to all the points I suggested? Or just one, just a couple? I hadn't thought of it that way. I have never been in a relationship where my partner has conducted him/herself the way I have portrayed it in my points. Perhaps I am confusing two systems.

I was really responding to the first bullet. And the last to some degree as its a reinforcing ideology critical to monogamy's (in particular, the idea of a soul mate, one and only life partner) mass unquestioned acceptance.
 
I think your points are a bit too negative. If I had to phrase it I would say...

Monogamy is based on stability, safety and less change, and a journey taken together. Polyamory is more about each person's individual journey, each on their own. It is more expected in monogamy that big events in your life will be shared, while in polyamory, you can have big events in one partner's life (marriage, pregnancy) that don't affect you directly (even though they can affect you indirectly. It's not YOUR marriage or YOUR biological child, though).

In monogamy, there is that feeing that anything you do is more likely to be shared by some kind of osmosis, while polyamory is a more complex beast and things do have an effect on you but you're not always sharing the spotlight anymore.
 
Hi, RP. I keep coming back to this thread 'cause public speaking is an interest of mine and something I enjoy. I wish I could do it more often. Anyway, I think you may be having problems in gathering your speaking points because you possibly still have not narrowed down the nuts and bolts of your topic enough. Fortunately, you still have plenty of time. I know you have given these things before, but it might be helpful to look at it step by step.

First - you said that this is a "Workshop" and that your goal is "to help poly people who love mono people cope and understand them so that they can be sucessful in their relationships." Great - sharing strategies for success!

Helping one group of people cope and understand another group is a very big and rather broad goal. And a workshop by its very nature usually implies participation by all the attendees and some kind of insight or skill gained. Most of the time, people take part in exercises, do quizzes, role-play, etc., in workshops. If what you're really setting out to do is hold a seminar, that would be a bit less intense than a workshop, and basically you'd be giving a speech with Q&A afterward. So... workshop or seminar? And what kind of speech? Informative or persuasive?

When you say, "help poly people who love mono people cope and understand them," it sounds like you see problems that you feel can be addressed. Maybe you should list those problems and come up with what you see are good answers or solutions to them. Are there examples you can point to? It sounds to me like a persuasive speech would be effective because you want to sell your audience on the idea of trying new ways of dealing/seeing/being with monos, etc. If you just want to provide information to your audience, it would be an informative speech, but you would have to be careful to present several sides and not steer them toward one or the other. The important thing is to keep your goal clear - what do you want your audience to do at the end of it? Change a behavior or attitude? Learn a new coping skill?

Then, to keep it simple, you have your Introduction, the Body of your speech with three to five main points, and your Conclusion. Now, if it is a workshop where you will engage people in some kind of activity, you can do it before your Conclusion.

So, here's a good way to plan a speech:
  1. Choose a Topic
  2. Establish your specific purpose (a strategic approach to your topic - what do you want your audience to go away with at the end of it?)
  3. Research for an overview
  4. Brainstorm for your main points [I think these could be where you list the problems or challenges]
  5. Research details to support main points
  6. Create your outline

I know this is all about creating the speech itself, and not about mono or poly, but does this help at all???
 
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Yes, thank you NYCindie. It does help. I follow that way of laying out speeches and topics for discussion, but I think you are right in that I need to figure out what I hope people will walk away with afterward.

Last year it was all about giving some coping strategies that have worked for us and discussing other peoples experiences. This year I don't know if we should stick to that. I guess we will have to all sit down and figure that out.

It is suppose to involve PN also and really it hasn't been his journey so much this past year. Last year we were more about adjusting to Mono's request that we be more poly-fi and ending the free love tangent we were on... now we are more about living day by day family life.

There is not so much emphasis for PN in terms of poly/mono stuff. Its more between Mono and I... especially with the whole Leo thing going on as a new love in my life. PN has been kinda shruggy about all that where as Mono and I have been working on the nuances of that all year almost. Maybe focusing in on what they would find interesting to participate in is a better bet right now as a result. Maybe I'm over thinking again.... IMAGINE THAT! :p:D

Thanks Tonberry for your note on sounding negative. I agree. Sometimes it helps to just spit things out and figure out the positive spin on things after. Thanks for helping me do that.

I have been wondering how much poly/mono success comes with age and stage also. I wonder if success (I'm not sure I like that word as no relationship is successful necessarily, functional maybe?) comes from having done some monogamous land marks before entering a relationship with someone that is poly.

I suppose some of it also in attitude, personality and self esteem for mono people. I think it might work better if the person who is mono is able to keep their compersion in going when it comes to their partner. Keep jealousy at bay. It could largely depend on personalities and attitude and values in relationships. It is really quite personal to those attempting to make it work I think. But then aren't all poly relationships too?

I feel as if I am talking myself into thinking that my topic is shit. I don't feel inspired at all on this... it just seems kind of obvious, yet I can't put my finger on it some how. Does that make sense?
 
I feel as if I am talking myself into thinking that my topic is shit. I don't feel inspired at all on this... it just seems kind of obvious, yet I can't put my finger on it some how. Does that make sense?

The topic isn't "shit". But I don't wonder how beneficial it will be to our local community. So few of them would even dip their toes is to the murky waters of mono/poly (for good reason lol!). If our audience has people who are struggling with this dynamic right now, then we have lots to share :)

We definitely know the little things that often get missed when embarking on this type of relationship...because we have lived them. We have also looked at the possible ways to overcome boundaries (whether they were tried or not).

There is a lot of info that can be shared..provided there is an interested audience:)
 
I feel as if I am talking myself into thinking that my topic is shit. I don't feel inspired at all on this... it just seems kind of obvious, yet I can't put my finger on it some how. Does that make sense?

Just the fact that you are struggling so hard with this topic and trying to get a handle on it says that it is a good topic of discussion. As I see it, part of the problem is that there is no "one" solution, no "one" way to go about gaining understanding, etc.
 
The best thing piece of advice I have heard over poly relationships of any kind was given by Neon Kaos recently (sorry don't ask me where). She said (paraphrasing)"Treat others as you would like to be treated and don't let others treat you any differently"

This is where I am at the moment. Having not had a drink in nearly 6 months I am much more sensitive to pain. The last time Z was away with J I felt pain almost to the same level I did in the very beginning. I thought I had got the whole separation thing down. I have built my life to a point where it stands up really well on its own without him. There were still a few pangs of emotions but generally I was really pleased. Then the skies between NZ and Australia were emptied because of a bloody volcanic ash cloud from Chile. I went to pieces. I suppose it was jealously towards Z that he had arms to hold him through the extended separation and I didn't.

That might sound childish and it was only an extra 36 hours (although it could have been longer) but the pain of it is making me cry right now. I have worked really hard at the whole mono/poly thing, but enough is enough. I would never put him through pain like that and I'm no longer prepared to put myself though it. I know in this case it was something unplanned that was the trigger but the underlying problem is inequity. We are addressing that now.

Can you not survey your community to find out what they want out of this workshop? Maybe it's just curiosity, if as Mono says most of them know better than to get themselves into Mono/poly relationships.

I also agree with Mono that you guys are incredibly unique and your situation probably has more to do with the workings of a tribe than mono/poly. Maybe that is what your workshop should be about?
 
But I don't wonder how beneficial it will be to our local community. So few of them would even dip their toes is to the murky waters of mono/poly (for good reason lol!). If our audience has people who are struggling with this dynamic right now, then we have lots to share :)
Doesn't matter if they do or not...or why.
They might have come from former mono/poly relationships that didn't last.
They may get involved in one in the future, even against their usual nature.
They may end up having to council friends or other lovers who end up in this sort of dynamic.

Information is power...and to share your lessons will empower anyone smart enough to pay attention. And they'd be fools not too.
 
The best thing piece of advice I have heard over poly relationships of any kind was given by Neon Kaos recently (sorry don't ask me where). She said (paraphrasing)"Treat others as you would like to be treated and don't let others treat you any differently"

I think it should probably be ammended as "treat others as they would like to be treated, and make sure they give you the same respect" or something like that, to account for the fact that the way you would like to be treated can be miles from the way they would. And if you treat them the way you'd want to be treated, and they treat you the way they'd want to be treated, you might still make each other miserable.
 
thanks, just wanted to acknowledge that I did read the last posts... I will let you know what comes of more discussion and thought. :)
 
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