NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion

hiya,

I knew if I kept reading long enough, I'd find my story. :) Okay, it's not exactly my story.

I just want to express my really deep gratitude for this thread. It's helped me SO much. And particularly tonight, I've been feeling extra crazy for the last few days.

BL, I'm pretty much the acknowledged fucked-up one, in my head and in theirs. I've been wanting to leave forever, and have been finding ever more creative ways to not leave.

Bless you all. Thank you all.
<3
 
NovemberRain, I'm so glad to hear that this thread had been helpful to you. Its hard to feel like the fucked up one and feel like you don't have anywhere to get a reality check. Even though I am still in the midst of my crazy situation in so many ways, the advice I have gotten here so far has really helped me put my situation into perspective in a major way. And I don't feel so fucked up anymore. If you would like to share more about your particular situation, I'd be really interested in hearing about it.

My latest update is that my new situation with K is going great (i.e. the NRE is fabulously intoxicating!). And Alex has calmed down enough that we revisited our inital agreements that we had developed during the Sam situation and she was able to loosen up on a lot of restrictions that had been hard for me to adhere to. Agreements like: no exchanging of gifts, limitations on the amount of contact/talking outside of arranging playdates, no "dating" - meaning no going out to dinner or doing things that constitute "courtship, like flowers - no sleepovers. All these things have been renegotiated and I feel like I have a new lease on life with some newfound freedom. In some ways Alex and I may still be playing into a co-dependent dynamic, since I have wanted these things for awhile and still want looseness on other things, and there are still her angry outbursts to contend with, but I'm also trying to figure out how to balance the idea of going at the pace of the one who is struggling most, acknowledging the work that she is doing, and also giving voice to my own needs.
 
:)

I have a thread in the 'Life Stories' section that tells my stuff.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19699
My Radical Journey into Self Love

I have been feeling so crazy the last few days! My current bf stopped talking to me! I was pissed because we had said we'd spend New Year's Day together, and he made one (ONE) phone call to my cell phone that didn't reach me, and that was it. We live 100 yards from each other! He knows all three of my phone numbers. So I sent a snotty email and then he got pissed and other things and yah! On Monday, I cried like I have not cried in a long time. (a little detox going on there too).

Tonight, we had a chat, and it's very much better. I was even able to talk to him about going to see first bf this coming weekend. The only thing that got me through it was kind of NRE, I think. I just feel so full of love that it keeps giving me strength and I love them both for loving me and for loving each other. What they each have to give sustains me through what I don't get from the other.

Quite the adventure.
 
I'm glad to hear that things have been better!
 
Thanks for pointing me in the direction of your story, NovemberRain. It was very interesting to read and to be able to relate so much to some of the things you are going through. It is so up and down with my primary partner Alex that sometimes I find it hard to trust my intuition about what to do. We have been together 5 1/2 years and I can hardly believe how much growing we both have done in that span of time. Even though things get really hard sometimes, I can't believe how many deep issues (both personally and as a couple) we have been able to get to and start working through. Hers have a lot to do with insecurity and anger, mine to do with trusting myself and communication.

We have gotten a lot of support from poly friends in our community, and I feel incredibly blessed to live in an area where many of our friends are poly. Even so, sometimes I find it hard to talk to people about what is going on with me. With my very closest friends (most of whom are monogamous), for some reason I find it easier to talk with them when things are hard. Right now I am enjoying a particularly lovely period of NRE with K, and Alex has been fairly relaxed and supportive of the relationship lately.

What I have with K is quite different from what I had with Sam (who moved away recently), which I think is part of why I am drawn to her. Sam was very intense, boyish, younger than me, and somewhat impulsive, in a way that made her seem even younger than her years. She lived a bit like a vagabond, moving from one random living situation to another, her room always a mess like a frat boy's. We always had to find some neutral third party place to meet up because her living situations were always so precarious and my agreements with Alex are such that I cannot take other partners to our home. Sam is a very sexually open person and although she is a person of few words, I found it easy to communicate with her because she is so straightforward and receptive.

K on the other hand is older than me, a passionate artist while also being very grounded. She talks and laughs a lot and is more feminine than most women I am attracted to but also very tall, broad, and muscular. She is extremely sweet and thoughtful, has made dinner for me on multiple occasions already and always has flowers for me. She treats me like a total princess and is so tender and dreamy and sensual with me. I know this is the NRE making me swoon like this and I am trying to just relax into it and fully enjoy it. There's that part of me in the back of my mind feeling a bit nervous about the possibility of falling in love with her, although I know there are a million ways to define that and even if I did it could certainly be a beautiful thing and doesn't have to be scary.

I'm also trying to channel some of this warm, fuzzy, giddy, longing, glowy stuff that is coming up with K into the other areas of my life that need it, like work and my relationship with Alex. I have read that advice in multiple places on this site, and at times I've been able to feel how that might work. I wonder if folks have specific ideas about how to do that? Like how do I focus on work when all my mind wants to do is daydream about my amazing night last night with K?
 
...how do I focus on work when all my mind wants to do is daydream about my amazing night last night with K?

Oh I can relate to this. When I was seeing Shorty, my therapist was getting really sick of me coming in and talking only about him, instead of other stuff I needed to handle. She said to me, "Of course it's more fun to fantasize about having sex all day with someone but you need to deal with [fill in the blanks]."

Ever watch Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer? When a dog is fixated on something, he gives them a little tap with his foot or makes a noise to distract them and bring their attention elsewhere. We have to learn to do that for ourselves. When we realize that we're drifting off into daydreamy musings even though the work is piled up in front of us, we just have to find a way to "pinch ourselves" back to reality.

I get distracted a lot, though, not by just relationships but by all my thoughts and ideas. It can be a challenge, and I still believe I have ADD tendencies, though no professionals seem to concur.

I often use something physical to get myself back on track, like if I'm sitting at my computer daydreaming, I get up and start working on something that needs me to actually lift, move, or use my hands in some way. Doing something that makes you have to walk from where you are to somewhere else, even if it's a trip to the copy machine or break room, is good because you're using the larger muscles of the legs and that can shift one's psychic energies from the mental activity of the brain to the body. If I'm daydreaming in bed, I get up and go do something. And sometimes I have to say out loud the things I need to do, like a little mantra or song, and keep repeating it until I get stuff done. Sounds silly but it works.
 
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I often use something physical to get myself back on track, like if I'm sitting at my computer daydreaming, I get up and start working on something that needs me to actually lift, move, or use my hands in some way. Doing something that makes you have to walk from where you are to somewhere else, even if it's a trip to the copy machine or break room, is good because you're using the larger muscles of the legs and that can shift one's psychic energies from the mental activity of the brain to the body. If I'm daydreaming in bed, I get up and go do something. And sometimes I have to say out loud the things I need to do, like a little mantra or song, and keep repeating it until I get stuff done. Sounds silly but it works.

I love this advice. Just sitting at the computer makes it extra difficult, because this forum and K's Facebook profile ;) are just one click away... I think it might behoove me to get up and do some filing today!!
 
Romanticies, NRE and Other Pitfalls of New Relationships

I read, hear about, and have experienced multiple challenges around new relationships; both within the mono and poly communities that surround me. Girlfriends who pin all of their hopes and desires on a new love interest, only to have their co-dependent dreams smashed to smithereens. Men so blinded by NRE that they stumble into abusive relationships with women who don't appreciate them for who they are. In some ways, the challenges that many of us face in the poly-arena are simply mono problems multiplied, and we can approach them in the same ways that we do in monogamy. In most cases, however, the difference is that in the face of these adversarial issues, we are attempting to keep an existing relationship healthy and well tended in which case I think a whole new set of tools is needed.

In our poly relationship, our biggest challenges are NRE and Romantacies. For us specifically, my husband is the more emotionally based partner and so he comes up against NRE whereas I am a completionist and idealist, so Romantacies are my biggest challenge. If we are not careful, we can end up whirling each other up into a frothy mess of heady emotions that threaten to tip our relationship into the danger zone. I'll project us five years into the future where we're all living together, happily sharing household chores and bills, going on vacation as a poly family, maybe raising a child together, checking out fuel efficient vehicles for commuting, looking at real estate that would better suit an expanded family's needs.... WOAH NELLY SLOW DOWN. My husband is prone to falling deep into NRE, overcome by his sexual awakening and need for more time/talking/anything with her, transgressing boundaries in a haze of love, inadvertently neglecting me or idealizing our new partner to death in the process. WOAH NELLY SLOW DOWN.

We've done a lot of communication around our patterns and challenges, and have been making excellent progress; we slip and slide around a little bit (where would the fun be if we didn't get caught up in the moment from time to time?) but for the most part, we have come up with coping strategies to keep our relationship healthy even in the face of our own adversaries.

Let me preface this by saying that this works for US and by no means do I/we think that any/all of this will work for any other person/couple. There is nothing more insulting for me than having other people assume that what works for them will work for me, or being tromped all over by someone who thinks that they have it all worked out. That being said, I thought that it might be interesting for other people to see and share the things that we've discovered as a couple that help us navigate some of our own personal pitfalls in polyamory. We are equally curious abut the methods that other couples use!

For us, we employ the following:

1) Communication: We talk, talk, and talk some more. Part of this, for us, is being in touch with our feelings, and spending enough time with ourselves to be able to be in a fairly neutral place before we bring them each other. We use reflective listening to remain neutral even if we're hearing things that trigger an emotional response in us - we use "the conch" if necessary (ie - we choose an arbitrary object, and whoever is holding that object has the floor - the other person has to listen, and cannot speak until they are given that object. Starting all responsive sentences with "What I hear you saying is....." "My understanding of what you're saying is...." etc... helps us a lot too.)

2) Self Reflection: Giving our heads a shake is important whenever we come against a partner’s challenges with our behaviour. I quote a famous article on NRE with "Love objects may be closer than they appear" as far as looking closely at the way that we might be idealizing a new partner, or love situation. Being aware of our own patterns (my husband is very helpful in helping me identify them, as I am with him) and stopping ourselves when we start wandering down a familiar and counter productive path. Asking oneself "Who am I serving right now?" when participating in particularly heady or irrational behaviour serves us well.

3) Forgiveness: We delve deep into this in our relationship. Forgiving ourselves, our own patterns and each other is of PARAMOUNT importance. There is nothing worse than dealing with one issue, only to have another past one come up and bite us in the ass. If one of us still harbours resentment, we have not done enough work (either as a couple, or as individuals, or both) to have truly forgiven each other, and we revisit it. Knowing each other's patterns inside and out also helps us be forgiving when we bumble around in NRE/Romantacies and inadvertently hurt each other.

4) Taking Time: It's important during the first 6-18 months for us to take time for our own relationship and ourselves. It can be so easy to get caught up in another person during this time, and social media just makes it worse (txting, facebooking, emailing, skyping, twitterfeeds, forums, chatting AND seeing them in person.) We schedule time and dates for each other, and for ourselves to help us keep perspective, or refind it if we feel like we're getting sucked into emotional patterns that don't serve our relationship.

5) Fearless Self Inventory: WHY am I doing what I'm doing? WHY am I feeling what I'm feeling? Yes, it's important that I share my feelings, "I'm feeling threatened/jealous about your NRE with X" but am I doing my own inventory as well in journalling, meditating, or counselling? "Why am I feeling threatened? How is my own thought process manifesting feelings of jealousy? Where are these feelings originating from within myself? What work do I need to do to address these feelings inside of myself? Is it all my partner's responsibility? What do I need from my partner, and myself to feel more secure when I'm feeling this way?" are questions that we ask ourselves during that first flush of new love.

6) Taking Responsibility: If one of us is in a pattern, we take responsibility. This helps the other members of our relationship get clear too. We need to own our own feelings, take responsibility and ACT on the work that we need to do, be responsible for the way that we behave if we hurt a partner, and be responsible for the methods of communication that we engage in both with ourselves and each other. Taking responsibility means that we negate the need for blame and avoidance, and it allows each of us to own their own part in whatever drama/issue might be playing out.

7) Having Identifying Terms: My husband and I have long since identified our patterns and challenges. We found it really helpful to name those challenges so that we can point out a problem without having to do a ton of communication. For example, my husband tends to get REALLY into the sexual side of NRE. The beast awakens, and he has a fantastic time having sex with a new partner - it can throw his sexual approach into hyper-drive, and be a little overwhelming (I love sex, LOVE sex, but three times a day when I'm a VERY busy woman in my community/business is a bit much, thank you!) When he starts to get overly charged, I say "Mr. Penis" and he knows to back it up a bit. When I start Romanticizing too much, and start making him feel like I'm going to move a girlfriend into the house and have babies with her (kind of joking here, kind of not) he says "Projection" and I know what I'm doing. This works for us, and sums up many hours of deep communication in a semi-humorous way that allows us to check ourselves.

7) Take a Break: During intense conversation, we take a break. Whether it's taking a night off from talking about an issue at hand, or taking a walk if we start getting worked up emotionally we stop and leave it alone until we calm down a little bit. Trying to communicate when one of us really want to smash something is counter-productive for us. Taking a break from our other relationships is also important; we do this with communication to our other partner(s) as well, "We're experiencing some challenges in our relationship, and need a weekend to reconnect. Are you okay with that?" Having time and space with each other to work out our problems is SO helpful for us. This is sort of like "Taking Time" but it's a little different, in that we stop seeing our other partners to deal with an important issue in our own relationship, or that we take a break from the heat of the moment that might be keeping us from being able to do the hard work needed to move past an issue.


These are the main things that we use to balance ourselves out, check in, and do the work that polyamory demands of us for it to be successful while keeping our own relationship healthy and happy. What does everyone else do?
 
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Well me and my DH are just entering into the poly world so I can't say what will actually work for our future relationships; but I just had to say that your list looks a lot like the notebook DH and I were taking notes in as we talked about opening our lives and hearts to other people. :)

Also I think Im gonna steal your idea about having 'key words' to sum up the longer version.
 
I once found an article on having healthy poly relationships and posted excerpts from it in the Golden Nuggets forum. I only included the first paragraph of each list item because it's too long to fit everything in a post. It's a very good article, so if you want to go read the entire thing you can at: www.polyamorysociety.org/tools.html. It's called "How to Make It Work - Tools for Healthy Polyamorous Relationships."

I'll quote it here...
How to Make It Work - Tools for Healthy Polyamorous Relationships by Brian Frederick
  1. Tell the Truth. Lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is built on honesty. Honesty isn't hard and it's a good habit. Bite the bullet, tell the truth. If your relationship can't weather it, you are in the wrong relationship; but it probably can. Telling the truth is easier than lying, all rumor and myth to the contrary. Lies are a lot of work. They weigh you down and isolate you. Small lies get lonely and seek out bigger lies. Don't ask one lover to lie or keep secrets from others. Secrets may not be lies but they breed lies. Secrets build walls and discourage intimacy. Know the difference between privacy and secrecy.

  2. Know Yourself. This is the most important tool and sometimes the hardest to find. Spend quality time with yourself and find out what you're like. Most people never do. Learn to tell when you are moody or unreasonable or defensive or hyper-sensitive or blinded by New Relationship Energy. Know your limits. Discover where you could do better. Learn what's healthy for you and what's not. Figure out what your priorities really are. Learn when to take a walk and cool off.

  3. Take Care of Yourself. Work on you. "Grow your own garden in your own soul, don't wait for someone else to bring you flowers." Instead of looking to other people for validation or satisfaction or happiness, learn to make it yourself. This is a vitally important skill for living. You will always be at other people's mercy - until you learn to satisfy your own needs. Once you do, you gain a freedom and confidence that can never be taken away. You can meet people as equals and choose to enjoy each other instead of carefully exchanging needs in a scarcity-driven emotional economy. Ironically, people find this kind of independence very attractive.

  4. Take Responsibility. Own your feelings. No one can make you sad or angry or happy either, they are your emotions. They exist in your head and nowhere else. You own them. You. There are always choices. Accept that sometimes you feel good or bad for no reason at all - not because of the people or events in your life. When you make someone else accountable for your feelings, your disempower yourself.

  5. Encourage Growth. Remember to care about your lovers as human beings. Support them in advancing their careers, spiritual pursuits, educations and ambitions. At their own pace and in their own way. Help them to heal and understand themselves better. Encourage them to take time by themselves and give them the space they need. Help them cultivate strength. Ask them to do the same for you but tell them how; they can't read your mind. One way to encourage growth is to give those you love the freedom to love others.

  6. Respect. Respect is a form of love. Respect yourself, set limits and boundaries and respect those of other people. Know how and when to clearly say `no' and how to listen when others say `no'. Never tolerate abuse. You deserve better. Remember to be polite to your partners, they deserve it even more than the stranger down the street.

  7. Communicate. If you want a healthy relationship, strong communication skills are a necessity, not a luxury. Trouble usually starts when talking stops. Things come up all the time that have to be worked through patiently and lovingly, even when you're having a bad day. It gets easier over time, but it takes work and a willingness to break up scar tissue and tear down walls. Communication skills are what make a person a good lover.

  8. Attitude. Having tools isn't enough, you have to really want to use them. Ya gotta wanna. Your disposition will make it work or blow it. Find a way for everyone to win. Make important decisions unanimous. Shine a positive light on difficult situations too; many relationships wither from negative energy. Don't turn little things into big things. Look for solutions, not someone to blame. Practice tolerance, patience, flexibility, generosity, understanding, forgiveness. Learn to apologize. Laugh at yourself.
 
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I was going to merge this thread with this one that is on lessons learned, but I decided not to. Got some really great points there on what has worked for you. Thanks for sharing them. :)
 
I have become a Professional and Life Coach working with Teams and Individuals!! There is a system of looking at Professional Teams that has proven to be extremely effective in the business arena! These 8 aspects of a productive Team can also be applied to any type of group or relationship. The research was taken from a Gallup Poll which surveyed 1,000,000 employees in 45 different industries and internationally as well. These are the 8 aspects of the environment which supports healthy relationships. Just for the fun of it, I applied it to the poly relationship I'm in now and it's pretty cool. I invite anyone to do the same and share it if you are open to it!!!
CLick on the link to read it!

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=120595#post120595
 
maybe this is turning into a blog...

so i'm still as obsessed with this forum as ever, and feeling compelled to continue to post about my journey. i suppose that makes this more of a blog than a thread, so if it makes sense for a moderator to move this thread over to the life stories and blogs section, i would not be opposed. at first i was thinking that i'd need to change the title of this thread if it became a blog, but actually its still quite apropos. although i am now in NRE with K instead of sam, i think its telling that many of the same thoughts and feelings that i had in the beginning with sam are now coming up again for me with K.

i imagine that for those folks who are experienced with poly, this is old hat... this falling feeling, the physical cravings for that person, the obsessive thoughts. it all feels so fabulous but is also such an intense exercise in patience and self-restraint. it is so tempting to throw myself into this, to want to try to spend every possible moment with her, its like a little tiny hit of a powerfully addictive drug every time i look at a picture of her. they are not kidding when they compare this feeling to cocaine!!

being a queer woman, poly is certainly not unheard of in our community but it seems more common among the gay men than the women. its been years since i've been in any semblance of a straight world, so it is interesting to me to read the stories here and find that i can relate so well to them. immersed in a gay world, it is easy for me to make up that i don't have anything in common with straight people. crazy, i know.

things with alex are progressing. i think about what someone posted a couple of months ago, about how poly relationships only work if a person thinks their primary is just as (or more) fabulous as the other person/people she sees, and even though my feelings for alex are different, and sometimes i do fall into questioning the whole relationship (and probably will continue to do so at times), i do have enormous love and respect for her as i am watching her face her deepest demons and be willing to stretch way past her comfort zones in order to truly partner with me in this journey.

alex is travelling for work soon and will be gone for a week. i am feeling so excited and nervous about getting to spend a lot more time with K while alex is gone. for the first time, i will be able to sleep over at K's place and spend a lot of lazy time with her without having to look at the clock. i know for sure this will send me even deeper into the NRE, which almost feels like anticipating a drug binge! i know the indulgence will feel so good, but i also know the withdrawal will be almost as equally intense.
 
i know i have said it before and i will say it again...NRE is extremely distracting. i have vowed to keep my mind on work today, and it works for short stretches of time and then my mind is off and wandering again. it reminds of the meditation analogy...our minds are like untrained puppies, you tell them to sit and they might for a second, and then they are off and running again. it takes a lot of practice to get that puppy to sit for long periods of time.

now that alex is away on business travel, it is up to me to figure out where my boundaries and time limits are when it comes to seeing K. all of me wants to throw myself into this with her and spend as much time as i possibly can inhaling the smell of her skin. intellectually i know this is a drug and i'm on an intense high and i should probably be careful, but the reckless and fun-loving part of me says, to hell with it! i am going to enjoy this for as long as it lasts!

it is also hard for me to not really fully know how K is feeling, lately she seesm more cautious than she did in the beginning and i am not sure what to attribute that to. over the past week we have not seen each other because i needed to spend more quality time with alex before she left, so i wonder if K is just not sure where we stand. its hard to know how much to delve into these "processing" types of conversations so early on in the relationship. so much of our connection (but not all) up to this point has been intensely physical, she is so tall and strong and sweet, it is hard for me not to just want to jump her when i see her and let the pheromones take over.

in my other world, alex has been exceptionally sensitive lately. needing a lot of reassurance and crying very easily. no matter how much time i spend with her, no matter how patient i am with her emotional outbursts, no matter how many times she says she is entering this mono/poly situation with me willingly and consensually, it seems like she is never fully secure and able to let go of her anxiety. at times she says she is feeling good, but its almost like an overcompensation, like "i know i'm the best partner and you are never going to leave me" but that sentiment never lasts long. last night she expressed worry that i would enjoy my time with her away so much that i would decide my life is more fun without her. i was so excited to have more freedom while she is gone that i didn't really know what to say. i love her and we do have fun together, but being with her feels so draining at times.
 
I know what you mean about 'inhaling her skin.' :D Somehow, my warm neck scarf smells like First bf, and every time I put it on, it distracts me for a moment. I've always been overly scents-itive.

I have been overcome with new-found appreciation for Current bf at 'giving' me this, and 'allowing' this, and even supporting this (with First bf). The fact that I have them both allows me to overlook perceived 'flaws' in the other. They complement each other so well.

Do you have plans for staying in touch with Alex while she's traveling? My hallucinating myself in her situation says I'd be so thrilled to have texts or emails or phone calls from you; just reminding me I'm loved and thought of, even though I'm away.
 
Getting through partner's NRE

Hello! This is my first post as a new member.

I have been in a poly relationship for four years now. We came from very different places; he has always identified as poly, and our relationship is the longest he's ever had. I used to identify as mono, but after much reflection and much hurt from past relationships where my partners and I didn't feel like we could be completely honest and open with one another, I decided to adopt a poly lifestyle. I have had several years-long mono relationships and I am accustomed to the dynamic; the first weeks to months of reveling in NRE, then falling into ORE, then losing steam altogether.

This relationship started out very mono-typical; we spent all of our free time together, and neither of us had other partners for about the first 5 or 6 months. We continued to spend gobs of time together for about the first two years. Then he moved 85 miles away for school, and now we see each other about two weekends a month, excluding holiday breaks. Since I was so accustomed to spending lots of time together, this transition was very hard for me. I found myself getting jealous of the time he spent with new partners, which has nothing to do with me or our relationship; I just missed being the person to fill that gap. I understand that he would spend a lot more time with me if we lived closer.

My partner has had many other partners over the last four years, none of them too serious but all of them good friends and good people that are still in and out of our lives. I have only had two other very short term partners (on my own), both of whom are still friends. I say "on my own" because we have shared several of his partners and I find great joy in experiencing his NRE with him. Sharing partners, or at least spending lots of time with them, helps me avoid the "she's prettier, smarter, better..." trap because I can put a real human, with all of her unique similarities and differences, in front of me and say, "there's no comparison; we are individuals."

Here is where I am getting stuck. The newest partner is different. In his words, she is the most compatible partner, both sexually and emotionally, that he has had since we have been together. They have seen each other every day, for the last month or so, spending just about every night together with the exception of a weekend when he was with me at my house and a couple nights at his house that I asked for. She is an amazing person. They have been seeing each other for about three months and have recently exchanged "I love yous." I don't want to control how much time they spend together, but at the same time, I wonder if they are getting too caught up in the NRE and setting themselves up for hurt later, when someone finds a new partner, or gets a time consuming job, or moves closer to me...etc. I have tried to talk to my partner about it but don't know how to approach the subject without sounding jealous. I also wonder if it even matters? I mean, I love this person and expect to be with him for a long time, despite us coming from very different places, and we also got caught up in the NRE...we got through the separation, and are doing fine. Additionally, the time they spend together has not taken any time away from me. We still have some alone time (albeit limited to a couple nights a month, but that was the pattern before she entered the picture) and we have time with the three of us together, which is wonderful.

I guess my question is, should I be concerned? Should I recommend that they slow down? And for what purpose? Am I just reacting to my emotions? I have not been the most emotionally stable person in this relationship in the past!

Thanks!
 
thanks for reading and replying, NovemberRain. its nice to hear from you!

last night i had a really intense playdate with K, i am feeling so charged by my intense attraction to her and the physicality of our connection. i have found it hard to broach the topic of "what is happening" between us and there are a lot of questions i have for her that i somehow haven't found the courage to ask, like does she consider herself poly? what is her relationship history? and even, is she dating other people at the moment? seems like such basic information that we would have sorted out before we got involved, but i think we are both so afraid of seeming "processy" and wanting to be light and fluid with each other that we are probably avoiding some important topics.

alex and i are staying in touch while she is away via text and exchanging voicemails, and talking on the phone when possible. its hard because i know she feels extra sensitive when she is not able to reach me, like late last night when i was with K. i sent her some cute pics early this morning of me in bed snuggling with our dog so she would know i slept at home and was thinking of her. i am totally blown away by her ability to "give me this" with K. so totally appreciative.

so far alex does not have an interest in getting to know K. she seems to understand how it could potentially be helpful, but has concerns that she will come off as an overprotective spouse. i do wonder about alex's emotionality and how that could potentially get triggered in an interaction between them. i wonder if it might help to wait until things are feeling a little more familiar with K, and maybe even having the NRE wear off a little first.

The fact that I have them both allows me to overlook perceived 'flaws' in the other. They complement each other so well.

this is really interesting to me too...the ways that K and alex are so different in many ways and how that has been enhancing my life so much. K has this very tough, kind of rough-around-the-edges appeal even though she is more feminine in her presentation and is more sexually receptive than alex. alex is so sensitive and needs so much from me emotionally that it feels like a nice break to be with K, where we just chat and have fun and have wild passionate sex. obviously the two relationships are not at all comparable, given that i've been with alex for 5+ years and K and i are so new to each other. what a gift though to have an outlet, a bit of an escape even, from the pressures of marriage and the inevitable changes that happen in long-term relationships around intimacy and sexuality, but also have that stability and sense of home and family to rely on.
 
I don't think there is cause for concern yet. It might feel like its getting away from you, but its nothing to do with you. Maybe you are reading into his energy and flying high feelings. NRE feelings do make people run away with themselves and those they are with.

I would just watch carefully and let him have at it. It will likely die down in time and settle into a routine. If their NRE starts meaning you get less time, not as much quality time and means there is drama then I would bring it up and start making sure your boundaries are respected.
 
I would just be on the lookout for any important life-altering decisions that he might make while still so immersed in NRE. If he suddenly has some wild scheme or crazy news, then I would tell him to slow down and get his feet on the ground. Otherwise, if he still spends time with you as frequently as he usually does, and hasn't let this relationship interfere with yours, I wouldn't worry too much.

As for not sounding jealous if you do wind up needing to talk to him, I guess I would start off any conversation by reinforcing how much you love and care about him, and have only his best interest at heart before explaining any concerns you might have. Also make sure there are no weird dramas or distractions in the immediate environment where you do have a discussion. You want to be able to communicate with his full attention on you, and in a calm serene manner.
 
Is it so wrong to sound jealous? As long as you admit and accept it as your own and not something you're accusing him or her of causing in you or being their fault, I think it's healthy to share your feelings with your partner and paramour.

I think that as long as you assure him that you're still happy for them and you're not asking for anything to change, it's good to tell him what's going on with you. Also, you're relatively new to this, so it's to be expected that you'll have some challenging thoughts and feelings.

The other end of it is to be brutally honest with yourself. Is it really that you're worried about the future of their relationship together, or is that just what you're telling yourself in order to justify your feelings? If he were just your buddy and you weren't involved romantically, do you think you would still feel so worried about what will happen when the NRE wears off? Or would you just trust that things will run their course the way they're meant to?
 
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