Too much information

FrankLee

New member
Having been on PolyamoryDotCom for about a week, I've taken a breath and looked around. After, in my typical fashion, gushing all over my profile with information and photos, I started checking other profiles to discover that it's an ocean of anonymity around here. Succinct isn't the word for it, ironclad security seems to be the preference. Like they say in the CIA, "Do you have a need to know?"

Of course, I'm not the mayor in my town, and I don't work for the government, or a big corporation, and I'm not applying to law school... yet.. and i don't think anybody, even my home remodeling clients care what websites I frequent at night. Neither do my friends... especially not my friends. Hmmm... do I have the right friends? So, if anyone I know were to find me on this site, well, all I could say is... hey, let's talk.

So, just curious, why so secretive everyone? Maybe you've got really good reasons.
 
For me, it's my job's morality clause. They don't even define what *is* moral, just tell us that we can be fired for behaving immorally or for someone perceiving our actions to be immoral.
 
If you're talking about profiles specifically, I think the lack of info is more likely due to the structure of forums. I don't think user profiles are high-traffic areas in many forums since the action is a bit focused on threads. Something like facebook puts the action on your profile, so there's more incentive to load up your page with all the juicy details.

Put another way: I don't think it's secrecy; I think it's a lack of incentive from a UX perspective. Which isn't a bad thing; it's just the nature of the beast: less about individuals' activity/info, more about topical conversation.
 
Public school teacher, hoping to apply for adoption, and not "out" to the world at large, only friends and a few specific family members. Considering this forum is public, as well as the prevalence of trolls on the internet and identify theft concerns, it makes sense to me that most people, even without job- or family-related concerns due to the nature of this particular forum, would tend towards anonymity on the internet. Think of it this way- would you give your phone number to every person you met at the bar?
 
I seem to be a bit different, I don't really care as I am quite sure that no one will find me here. And if they do ... well, I would talk to them. But as I told nearly everybody who finally asked about us in great detail about our journey, it doesn't really matter.
 
Yeah, I would say that here it is a combo of protecting one's identity and just the fact that Bulletin Board type forums aren't really social networking sites and most people don't utilize the features available at forums for profiles. Also, since so much energy goes into creating profiles on Facebook, Google+, and dating sites like OKCupid, I am sure most of our members come here just for conversation, information, and private messaging. Plus this whole site is searchable via Google and other search engines, so any personal info you put in a post of your profile will be out there on the web.

BTW, in your profile here, you can set your albums to be private except for anyone whom you accept as a contact or "friend" on this board.

For myself, I don't put my personal info on the net at any site. I hate that I had to use my real name on Facebook and I use all the privacy options they make available there. Anyone who I connect with there really can't see anything - no pictures, friends, etc. This is the way I have been about this stuff for a long time, it has nothing to do with poly for me. Back in the 90s/early 00s, I had my credit card numbers stolen via an internet commerce site and, although that sort of info isn't required here, I feel like it is so easy for someone to steal an identity and really do a lot of harm, even though security measures have come very far since then. So, I am cautious.

I do have a professional website for a small business I have, and it killed me to put my name out there, but I had to accept that because it's business and there are press releases, news stories, and databases out there with my name in it, too. But personal stuff stays private. Plus, as a woman, I have to use caution for safety reasons. I've had two stalkers in my lifetime. Who knows what creeps are out there. I'd rather be overly cautious than not.
 
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I've given my approximate location and both my and my wife's first names in my username and signatures. I'm not concerned about safety and anyone that would have a problem with my choice isn't computer savvy enough to find me here. There aren't really many options for additional info beyond that but I would gladly talk and share more personal stuff through messages, provided of course you're not asking me for my address in the first contact. :) I'm carefree, not dumb. Haha.
 
I use my blog on this site as a way to explore thoughts and feelings that I may not always be ready to share with my partners. Although one now does know of the site he doesn't read it. It's really valuable to me to have a space here where I can organize my thoughts, say hard or scary things without worrying how it'll make someone else in my life feel, and sometimes get feedback from sympathetic strangers.

Also, I do happen to work for the government.
 
I`m just a private person. In general, I am not looking to 'connect' with people in a personal way. For me, this is an exercise in reminding myself of other`s thoughts, and ways of being, different to my own.
 
I`m a private dude. I feel neither safe sharing what I post here with IRL people, nor sharing my real life with people here, necessarily.

Case-by-case, basis. I guess I might post a pic if I make online friends here, later on. It`s touch-and-go...or, should I say, hit-and-miss. :eek:
 
I used to hide my identity because I was a public high school teacher and was also dating people who preferred to stay hidden, so I didn't want anyone to figure out who they were through my online activities and discussions.

That's changed now, and I'm much less private and "out" to my friends and family. Still, I don't feel like I'm going to put an awful lot of info up on this site's profile for me, simply because I don't really see much reason to when you'll be getting to know me on the boards.
 
Not everyone has the privilege of not having to give a fuck about other's opinion's. Also what everyone else has responded about why they like the anonymity of the forum.
 
This is a public forum where people talk about very intimate and vulnerable situations. Often the people that come here are closeted and fearful that "people" will find out. Its very important to read the site guidelines and respect peoples privacy. Its expected that those that come here choose a name that is NOT one they use on other forums as people will and do track them down. Its also expected that people not use real names and be too suggestive in the details of their lives.

On average, us mods, get about three to five messages a month (each) asking us to delete profiles, change threads, change names, delete posts... besides spam, its the bulk of what we do.

If you want to get details then I suggest messaging those that look interesting to you and make some friends or you can use any other social network to build friendships out side of here. Many of us know each other elsewhere and do our private chatting there. Some of us even know each other personally and have traveled miles to see each other. After four years there is community being built on here, just not evident so much on the public parts of the forum.
 
Most folks, I see, do have "really good reasons."

Ahh, friends, I really wasn't suggesting that anyone reveal more about themselves than they were comfortable with. What I thought I was saying, as so often happens, was not what was heard. So, forgive me for being unclear.

I was simply curious as to what reasons were used for privacy, and I knew people had good ones. Being self-employed, myself, I am less vulnerable to discovery than many who clearly are in positions in large organizations or have to put themselves out in public on a daily basis. And, thanks, you have all reinforced the reality that polyamory may be the last frontier in closeted lifestyles. It appears that the general public isn't ready for it, to put it mildly. I remember a tragic court case a few years ago, Tennessee I think, where children were being taken away from a poly family.

And, some of you say that this is a forum of ideas and not personalities, though for me, I remember the idea better if i can connect it to a face and a personality. And, thanks to AnnabelMore, I see a reason that never occurred to me, it is a forum to discuss things one is not even ready or able to talk about with one's own partners.

So, thanks to NewYorkCindie (gotta love that name and avatar) and moderator RedPepper (and that one) for detailed clarification of the matter. And, thanks to BrigidsDaughter, ThatGirlinGray, and Shannanigan for telling how devasting being "outed" could be in their personal and professional lives.

And, special thanks to Phy for coming out with her poly family and photos in such a welcoming manner.

Of course, it goes without saying that no one posts their real name here. I'm not "Frank Lee." I'm not clueless about the dangers of internet identity threats. I even recently permanently deleted my Facebook account. I wouldn't trust that Zuckerberg kid any further than .......
 
For me there are two concerns: First, with anything “like this” I don’t necessarily worry about any of you people being able to figure out who I am in meatspace. But I’d rather avoid creating direct linkages. Especially in this context when I’m sharing deep, “dark” secrets.

The second is that to identify myself in the databases of the world would also effectively identify my SO and potentially any current or future lovers. I’m self-employed (and work in software anyway), but she’s got letters after her name. So we maintain an air gap.
 
<giggle> It's actually NYCindie, which is NYC + indie for indie films, not NY + Cindie. But I don't mind the confusion, as it keeps the anonymity up when people refer to me as Cindie.

I'll just keep calling you NY Cindie then :D

Only reason I don't provide more information is because...it doesn't benefit anybody. My parents know who I date, my husband's job knows he is poly. My husband knows I post here, if my boyfriend (or any future partner) asked, I'd tell them who I post as, since if I were to post about a problem here I'd have told the individuals involved about it ahead of time, and I don't mind my partners knowing what goes on in my head (omg maybe that would start a conversation!). I try not to be too specific about what I say, though the people I date would certainly recognize themselves if they stumbled across my posts. However I don't really want 3rd parties to my relationships to have an easy direct link to information about me if I don't have an intimate enough relationship with them to be discussing it with them in person. Figure they should work a bit harder to pry into my head if they want to know what's happening in there!
 
Thanks for the clarification.

I'm not all that private. Have you looked at my blog? :p lol. There are a lot of locals that know me on here and I admin a group elsewhere where I collect forum friends who express an interest to know me and others better (discuss in private). I haven't found any problems with being out. I don't advertise, but just be me and people can take me or leave me... its up to them. :)
 
1) An awful lot of people I know have security clearances, and have reason to believe that polyamory could hurt them in a review.

2) I have children, and have reason to believe (experience) that even the people I love would turn me in to CPS if I strayed sufficiently from what was considered mainstream.

3) My partners have children, whom I love, and who I have reason to believe would be yanked right out of my reach should something happen to my partners and their parents knew I wasn't mainstream.

4) I have friends, but I can't talk to them about my relationship problems with them because I feel constrained by how my relationship problems would affect how they view my partners.

5) I have kink, and besides the idea of having my children yanked from my care, I don't like the way it affects how people think of me when they find out I'm submissive.

6) I'm cautious about internet security.

7) I'm private. You want to get to know me? By all means, open a conversation. But I'm not going to put myself out for public display. (the exception--if I feel like my experience will help others.)

8) Sometimes, things happen, things which embarrass me. (heh--sometimes I'm wrong and I don't want to have to admit it.) I wouldn't feel comfortable talking *at all* if I had to live with the fear that people I know would be judging me, but it's easier if I'm more anonymous.

Eh, there's probably about a million more reasons on my part, but I figure you're bored now.
 
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