NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion

Yeah, I have asked some of those questions and I do actually have a really good poly-friendly therapist. Sometimes its just good to hear other opinions, ya know. She's said things like, this new love is stronger than anything she has ever felt. She doesn't however want to lose what we have just has a different opinion of how our relationship should look than I do. I do intend on working on it, but just don't know how long I can feel this sad for.

Also, the people I've been dating have been rather unsatisfying as far as potential partners for me. I wonder if maybe my wife and I really aren't a good fit and that I need to find someone that I could truly connect with, maybe a relationship like the one she is proposing would be allot more acceptable. The thing is, I don't know how healthy it would be to start another relationship under those pretenses... this is all around the hardest thing I've ever been through.

Regardless, Im going to try and remain calm and definitely continue to work at things. Thanks for your kind response.
 
How would you feel about your relationship with your wife if you were dating someone you had strong feeling for? Are you missing a good relationship or are you missing her?

It may just be that you and your wife have grown apart. Or maybe she is just overwhelmed with NRE, that she is not appreciating what she has with you. NRE generally lasts for about 6 months (unless it is a long distance relationsyhip).

I wish you well.
 
You are a familiar, familial based love. Long term, well connected and stable.

She could well be mixing up love, lust and nre. I do believe that happens, although it is rarely talked about. lust and nre are easy waves to ride. Seriously, what does it involved but some time and body parts.

Your love is work, represents work and is tonnes of time. You have how many years with her? and how much time has she has with her new lover?

Quath is right, nre lasts about 6 months. Give it time and have patience. I believed the love I felt for our ex was the most intense ever. Once my head cleared and my hormones returned to normal, it was all about the same as I felt with my wife and the gf before that. In the moment, it is like a drug high :)

good luck
 
Hey Archie,

I second a lot of what Ari has mentioned. NRE is a powerful drug ! But is does lose it's effectiveness in time.

But first off.......what/how do you define 'love' ?
It's a word we throw around about as much as 4 letter bombs but don't usually dig in to see what it really means to us.

It seems is something comprised of a bunch of smaller components. Shared interests. Shared ideologies. Shared passion. Sex (good, bad, mediocre). Lots of little things - but all things we also share with people we may not proclaim to 'love'
But at the bottom of the term we always seem to find RESPECT as the binding foundation.
We can care about many people. We can share commonalities with many people.

But............

How much respect is there between both of you ? (both directions)

You may find clues there into the direction & longevity of your relationship - as well as the shape it takes in the future.

Passion comes & goes. Deep bonds and connections require healthy respect & understanding of who each other really are beyond the surface, beyond the passions.

I'd suggest checking this out :)

Respect is (and can be) built with right actions and right thoughts. If that is there most anything else is possible, but no matter what follows it will seem kinder and more loving.

GS
 
You guys have made me feel much better! Weve been together for 10 years, shes been seeing him for like I said almost 5 months, Id say its been serious for about 3.

Like I said, I knew there'd be NRE and I am dating... However, I would like to find someone to truly connect with. Im sure it will happen in time.

I just didnt expect her to get as distant as she has... Glad to here that it may be somewhat typical?

Thanks again to all of you...

Any other suggestions, feel free to bring it on!
 
Hi there. I am in agreement that NRE could be the cause of her lack of romantic feelings for you. For me NRE lasted much longer than 8 months with Mono. Just so you know it can be longer.

It sounds like the two of you had NRE for poly itself and then when she fell for this guy it became about him. Realize that this is all new and her love for him will become stable and less crazy in time. Right now she is experiencing romantic and lustful love for him and attachment love for you. Both are valid but can be confusing for someone in it. I started a thread on this in general discussions. The thread is about an anthroplogist that talks on this. Her name is Helen fisher. Check my stats on my profile and threads I've started and you will find it.

If I were in your position I think I would hold off on dating in order to hold fast to the reigns of your partners raging love for this guy. She is like a wild horse with it right now and just wants to run with it. Its exciting, makes her heart soar and she thinks that the open meadow she is galloping through is endless. She has been bored and now is inspired. It isn't going to last, but she will be changed. She will tire herself out and will come down to reality in time. Like fire, it consumes itself eventually. This is when you'll need to be ready for her and what change comes of this new stage. She could want to maintain a long relationship with this man and will want to negotiate that, or she could realize its not for her and she's had her fun. I suspect she will object to the latter right now ;)
Good luck. You aren't alone on this journey as is evident if you do a whole lot of reading here. I suggest she does too as it is a great resource in many different ways. I suggest a tag search on NRE first.
 
Red Pepper - Great reply, thank you. The apparent craziness may just be due to NRE. She likes this guy and I truly can see how they match. They share interests that dont interest me and i think thats really good. I just didn't know it would mean that she would cut me off the way she has.

Another problem that is somewhat unique to our situation is, part of this disregard for my feelings and staying out of the house as often as possible, has created a bit of a breakdown as far as the way our household runs.

You see, over the course of the last 4 years, we agreed I would work and she would stay home with the kids and work on her Bachelors in Psychology. Well she just recently acquired her degree and she is unable to get a job... My youngest just started kindergarten so both kids are in school and she's done. From a timing standpoint, it went exactly as we had planned. It would be ok if she was trying really hard to get one but, unfortunately she isn't.

So right now, I kind of feel shafted a little. Its like I work all day, do my part as far as taking care of the kids, household stuff, etc. She does her part as far as the same but, spends the amount of time she could working or looking for a job with him. So I feel more like the roommate that pays all the bills currently.

I think if I still had a true partner around this wouldn't make me feel as bad. I understand the NRE thing well thanks in part to all of your help however, Im having a little bit of trouble chalking the utter disregard for my feelings up to something she couldn't help?
 
Hi AP, I totally get what you're saying. I get what your wife is going through too.

My PN was so patient with me when my kid started kindergarten and I got some freedom back. I met Mono that year and went out several times a week on dates and to go dancing (on my own). Freedom at last! It felt so good to have my body back and start thinking about me. It took about a year to get through that. I would think she is thinking similarly. I'm sure she recognizes the imbalance but just needs a break.

Where does that leave you, well, maybe if you make some plans for yourself and get out of the house yourself. Ask her for a divided week. Two days home, two days out, two together and one throw it up in the air day. Whatever works for you. This is how we started. Now I still spend two nights at my OH (other home).

I was so angry when PN started talking about my staying home more, because I needed to get to it myself, but I recognized that he also had needs and agreed to some of it. That balancing act continues to this day. We ask for what we need as soon as we can articulate it. It takes practice, but no recentment is built and we are both as happy as we can be with our lives. It helped that he has had his own nre for me to be on the receiving end of.

I do think its all NRE still though. Read anotherconfused thread of what happens under the influence. Her story is the craziest I've ever seen. Your wife has a lot, her new found freedom on top of it!

Keep at it and if you can, give her as long a break as you can without busting. I would let her know you are doing that though, nothing was more relieving than PN telling me I deserved a break before letting me know it had to end at some point or lesson. At least I knew he recognized that.
 
We already have a split schedule and I have been dating. I still long for quality time with her where we really connect but, it just isnt happening right now. We have even penciled in some time alone together and its been kind of a drag....

I do see what you mean about her needing a break and I will give her that space.

Its just that her disconnection from me happened so rapidly, it makes me kind of catastrophize what could happen in the coming weeks, ya know?

Its cool to hear your perspective.
 
AP, you guys need that quality time. But I don't know how you're going about it, so I'll throw this out there and you can take what you like. Schedule time to do something that the both of you like to do, no pressure, just something fun. You don't have to concentrate on bonding to actually achieve some bonding, and doing something fun will help remind the both of you that you do indeed like each other. And if you guys, in the worst case, don't remember you like each other, at least you got to spend some time doing something you enjoy. :p

I know that for me, in the worst throes of my NRE or the worst depths of my jealousy and insecurity, doing something that we both enjoyed reminded me that, 1) Easy gets me in a way that really no one else does, and 2) Even if the other woman makes him happy, I do too. We all have places where we fit, I just have to remember that.
 
RP, She hasnt read on here yet and no I dont think shes ready. She has admitted to me that she has made some mistakes as far as the way this whole thing has gone. This started out as something that was going to bring us closer and as I mentioned in the beginning it did. I think she realizes that if she starts reading stuff like this, she will be reminded of some of that stuff. Again, all part of the NRE.

LD, That is a good idea. I need to figure out something we can do together and try to set up a regular thing. We were supposed to watch a movie together last night per her request but, once we got started it was tense and weird and she sat across the room form me, and had her laptop on here lap, etc. I told her earlier in the day that I was thinking about going out with this girl Ive been seeing and she got mad. She later came in and said she was sorry and that she got mad because she was hoping to hang with me. So its weird because she seemed to really want to hang out but, when we did it was awkward.
 
I agree with lemondrop. Time doing something you enjoy together is good for re-connecting although I have found it doesn't work unless talking is involved and a no texting rule.

For me its dinner out please. I love that! We have a great city for it though. Anything from a picnic to a fancy meal. I love that. We go for walks quite often, of course we have Mono to babysit. I suggest a once a week date that involves no TV or internet unless you are researching and no texting. Start saving for sitters. Hands down that works for us. That and a half hour of engaging each other a day on what is going on in our lives. We try to make it eating together after the boy has eaten, but it doesn't always work. We also text each other once or twice a day to keep in touch and keep that connection going.

The rest of the time we are free to pretty much clock out from each other. As long as the daily stuff is getting done and talked about that is. That feeling of having made an effort to connect feels really good and make my time away from PN better and more enjoyable so I can connect with my other loves and people in my life. I would suggest that to her as a tried and true thing that others discovered here on the forum. Maybe it will get her reading?! :D oh I recognise myself in her so much. *cring* ;)
 
Yeah, I get how that can happen. It can sometimes be hard to verbalize our needs, and I know that I sometimes can't even figure out how to articulate what I'm feeling. Try an activity, like hiking, that you both agree on, and that you can't be distracted from by a laptop, and I'm with you, I think it should be scheduled, at least for a while. I remember a while ago, Easy and I were having trouble connecting, and I'm ***really*** affected by touch, so Asha (really wise girlfriend) suggested we set up scheduled cuddling time every day where we just dropped everything and paid attention only to each other. It felt artificial to have it scheduled, and for a while I was still angry that he needed to be told to cuddle with me, but I was also amazed at how much better I felt overall. It did make a difference in our attempts to reconnect.

Also, although I heartily approve of family time, if your wife is going through a period where she's trying to find her identity outside of mommy, it's going to be helpful to make sure that the two of you have time *away* from the kiddos. As moms, we sometimes forget that we have a right to be our own person, and when we look up and find that we lost ourselves somewhere can be incredibly frightening and stifling. Having time without the kids will help remind her that you see her as a person and not just mommy, and remind her that you're more than just daddy, too.

ETA: LOL Redpepper beat me to the punch.
 
I'm less optimistic than the other people responding that this is a phase that will pass. NRE certainly makes people make bad choices about their relationships sometimes, but...

she wants to maintain a relationship with me but, not a romantic one.

...that sounds like someone who has met someone else and is moving on, not like someone who has met someone else and is too distracted to maintain their current relationship(s).

I'd take her at her word, and try to figure out how to make your life, and co-parenting, make sense for you now.
 
JK,

I think you're correct in some aspects. I think the reason we choose to change from a 10 year mono relationship in the first place is, that we both realized that we couldn't be everything for one another.

I believe that during this transition, we have put our old marriage to bed and in a way are starting over from scratch.

Mix that in with little a NRE and shake, and thats what we have here...

This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. However, I do believe the personal growth will be worth it in the end.

That really doesn't change how sad, yet hopeful, I am in the short term...
 
New Relationship Energy

Hi, yet another thread from me.

I read a lot on here about NRE. I wonder how long it lasts. It does seem to be responsible for a lot of problems in itself, causing lots of bad new feelings for a mono partner when their partner is in the grip of NRE.

If a poly relationship runs into problems when the NRE starts to run out, does that indicate that the relationship was really just an affair posing as a poly?
Suppose the "poly" person in a couple has say, 3 new partners in one year. As soon as the NRE wears off he/she looks for someone new.

Can you still call that poly? I would be tempted to call that serial infidelity.

I stress that my relationship is nothing like that. My wife didn't seem to get any NRE. The other guy went straight into "Other Husband" status , and my wife (bless her) was very stressed out at the beginning trying to keep us both happy. I don't see her and him when they are together. Only now is she starting to say that she is happy.
 
NRE lasts about 6 months, but some here will admit to it being longer. I myself have always found a change in the relationship around 2 months ... Still in the grip of NRE, but more focussed on emotional aspects rather than the physical ones at the outset.

There is a thread somewhere, that discusses the potential to be addicted to NRE. While some will argue over whether hopping from NRE to NRE is poly, I don't understand how this is infidelity, unless the poly partners were not aware of each other.

Personally, I would be tempted to call that sort of hopping more of an open relationship, but mono people can do the same thing and no one will argue as to whether or not they're still mono! So, no judging from me if someone wants to call that their poly. :)

The other possibility is that the hopping person really is looking for another long term partner, and simply can't see through NRE. They must wait for it to go away in order to determine whether or not that relationship will be successful. Every relationship fails until one (or several) don't, you know?
 
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