Sageflutterby
Member
Metamour made a comment to hinge "I can't wait until it's just you and me again."
My anger keeps coming back up despite my logic. I pointed out if I ever said something like that, it would be seen as an attempt to cowboy the hinge away from his other partner. And I pointed out that he would break up with me, as he broke up with the last partner that wanted him to leave his wife/first partner to be with her.
He has said that the metamour has no control over our relationship and can't make that a reality. And I understand that.
He also has stated because they are married, he would not end that relationship for the statement though it would carry different consequence if his non married partner were to start speaking like that. He agreed that he has a double standard and there wasn't anything he could really do about that.
I am so tired of the double standard. Of the poor behaviors and lack of consideration for boundaries. He said he couldn't imagine me acting or speaking in that manner and I pointed out that I don't show that face to others because it serves no good. But that I did have moments, too.
I think I understand what a forum poster in the polyamory forum said months ago about the game being rigged in favor of the married metamour. It feels like a battle of attrition. She's just waiting for me to go away. He says she ignores when he replies with corrective statements.
A month ago when I said that when our children are older and more independent as we age, that I would like a third domicile for neutral and privacy, apart from my home with my loud kids and apart from his home with the metamour and the kids there. Metamour indicated she wouldn't like him to take such an action but would adjust and then indicated that she might be ok considering a very large house or duplex with the hinge shared between the two locations.
Now I feel like the person blocking progress because I refused to even consider sharing a domicile involving my children and a metamour who flip flops and hides behind untrue statements. Awpti feels that is reasonable however and understands why I would not jump to move into a shared house, but that was my dream when I started poly was a polycule tribe. I definitely would never consider moving in with someone who is waiting for me to be gone.
TheCerpent and I are life partners. Awpti and I are committed as life partners as well. The future that I want, I'm willing to wait to get it, until we are a little older and the children are more independent or grown so there is not a conflict of priorities or a taking of time for the children.
But I am filled with such rage that someone is openly just stating they are waiting for me to be gone. Prior to that statement, I had commented to Awpti that I felt like in five-ten years, that he and metamour would still be together and congratulating each other on being still together despite the conflict that polyamory has caused. And then her statement just seemed to re-inforce my perception of the most likely future.
I'm so used to being able to be proactive in building my future and the things that I want, I'm willing to work for. The only thing I seem to be able to work on is myself right now, and not necessarily my relationships. There's nothing to fight. I'm so surprised and tired of this anger and hurt. But Awpti feels like there's nothing he can do when she says things like that, because she ignores his words.
And he's right, if the metamour chooses to ignore his words, then he can't really do anything. But I am so hurt that my partner is all right staying with someone who openly wants to be rid of his other partner that he's indicated a life partnership with in terms of emotional and future commitment. I don't want him to leave her, not like an ultimatum or any thing, nor do I want to exert any power over their relationship.
I just don't know what to do with this anger. I just needed to write something out so I could focus on other things.
I started my polyamory journey open to finding family and additive relationships. I didn't have any jealousies or insecurities. I didn't care if my partners had relationships with others or sex. Here I am a year and a half later and any time I think of the hinge and metamour having intimacy, my libido just drops from fear. Because the relationship was not opened on the basis of polyamory. It was opened on the basis of sexual exploration and I am afraid that if they fix that aspect of their relationship, the foundation for mine is gone.
Awpti has indicated he thought I had a low opinion of him. And I wasn't trying to indicate that at all. I try to listen to what people tell me and he's told me he has a lazy complacent personality in his relationships, so I guess I just feared that if he had all his needs met, if hinge and metamour fix their relationship, then there's no reason to exert energy in his other relationship. I feel like all my emotional needs and fears are just reasons to display why polyamory isn't good, that I would demand too much of Awpti. I spend a lot of time processing fear and hurt because I know the metamour wants me gone and I know that when metamour is happy that Awpti is happy in his home life. I just sometimes don't comprehend what I bring that would make pissing off the metamour worthwhile, like it feels like this stress is never going to go away.
I'm hanging in there after talking to Awpti and TheCerpent because the only logical premise I can think of to calm my fears is to give it time and be patient. But I'm so angry at the metamour's assumptions and words indicating that I am a temporary thing in passing through Awpti's life. Awpti and I are moving to the stage of collaring as a symbol of commitment for the two relationships that we share and I'm planning on limited power of attorney for Awpti when we hit the two year mark. I'm planning things like a LLC and non profit organization because in three years, if all goes well, there will be a third domicile to consider and I would also want to include Awpti's children in consideration of my will when I get there.
For me, this relationship is as serious as my first permanent partnership and Awpti says he's right there with me. When I asked him how he was going to plan a future with a partner who is is always doing a 180, he said that he would plan a future on what he wanted. But he didn't have anything to say when I pointed out that a future that he wanted would truthfully include the happiness of my metamour.
My anger keeps coming back up despite my logic. I pointed out if I ever said something like that, it would be seen as an attempt to cowboy the hinge away from his other partner. And I pointed out that he would break up with me, as he broke up with the last partner that wanted him to leave his wife/first partner to be with her.
He has said that the metamour has no control over our relationship and can't make that a reality. And I understand that.
He also has stated because they are married, he would not end that relationship for the statement though it would carry different consequence if his non married partner were to start speaking like that. He agreed that he has a double standard and there wasn't anything he could really do about that.
I am so tired of the double standard. Of the poor behaviors and lack of consideration for boundaries. He said he couldn't imagine me acting or speaking in that manner and I pointed out that I don't show that face to others because it serves no good. But that I did have moments, too.
I think I understand what a forum poster in the polyamory forum said months ago about the game being rigged in favor of the married metamour. It feels like a battle of attrition. She's just waiting for me to go away. He says she ignores when he replies with corrective statements.
A month ago when I said that when our children are older and more independent as we age, that I would like a third domicile for neutral and privacy, apart from my home with my loud kids and apart from his home with the metamour and the kids there. Metamour indicated she wouldn't like him to take such an action but would adjust and then indicated that she might be ok considering a very large house or duplex with the hinge shared between the two locations.
Now I feel like the person blocking progress because I refused to even consider sharing a domicile involving my children and a metamour who flip flops and hides behind untrue statements. Awpti feels that is reasonable however and understands why I would not jump to move into a shared house, but that was my dream when I started poly was a polycule tribe. I definitely would never consider moving in with someone who is waiting for me to be gone.
TheCerpent and I are life partners. Awpti and I are committed as life partners as well. The future that I want, I'm willing to wait to get it, until we are a little older and the children are more independent or grown so there is not a conflict of priorities or a taking of time for the children.
But I am filled with such rage that someone is openly just stating they are waiting for me to be gone. Prior to that statement, I had commented to Awpti that I felt like in five-ten years, that he and metamour would still be together and congratulating each other on being still together despite the conflict that polyamory has caused. And then her statement just seemed to re-inforce my perception of the most likely future.
I'm so used to being able to be proactive in building my future and the things that I want, I'm willing to work for. The only thing I seem to be able to work on is myself right now, and not necessarily my relationships. There's nothing to fight. I'm so surprised and tired of this anger and hurt. But Awpti feels like there's nothing he can do when she says things like that, because she ignores his words.
And he's right, if the metamour chooses to ignore his words, then he can't really do anything. But I am so hurt that my partner is all right staying with someone who openly wants to be rid of his other partner that he's indicated a life partnership with in terms of emotional and future commitment. I don't want him to leave her, not like an ultimatum or any thing, nor do I want to exert any power over their relationship.
I just don't know what to do with this anger. I just needed to write something out so I could focus on other things.
I started my polyamory journey open to finding family and additive relationships. I didn't have any jealousies or insecurities. I didn't care if my partners had relationships with others or sex. Here I am a year and a half later and any time I think of the hinge and metamour having intimacy, my libido just drops from fear. Because the relationship was not opened on the basis of polyamory. It was opened on the basis of sexual exploration and I am afraid that if they fix that aspect of their relationship, the foundation for mine is gone.
Awpti has indicated he thought I had a low opinion of him. And I wasn't trying to indicate that at all. I try to listen to what people tell me and he's told me he has a lazy complacent personality in his relationships, so I guess I just feared that if he had all his needs met, if hinge and metamour fix their relationship, then there's no reason to exert energy in his other relationship. I feel like all my emotional needs and fears are just reasons to display why polyamory isn't good, that I would demand too much of Awpti. I spend a lot of time processing fear and hurt because I know the metamour wants me gone and I know that when metamour is happy that Awpti is happy in his home life. I just sometimes don't comprehend what I bring that would make pissing off the metamour worthwhile, like it feels like this stress is never going to go away.
I'm hanging in there after talking to Awpti and TheCerpent because the only logical premise I can think of to calm my fears is to give it time and be patient. But I'm so angry at the metamour's assumptions and words indicating that I am a temporary thing in passing through Awpti's life. Awpti and I are moving to the stage of collaring as a symbol of commitment for the two relationships that we share and I'm planning on limited power of attorney for Awpti when we hit the two year mark. I'm planning things like a LLC and non profit organization because in three years, if all goes well, there will be a third domicile to consider and I would also want to include Awpti's children in consideration of my will when I get there.
For me, this relationship is as serious as my first permanent partnership and Awpti says he's right there with me. When I asked him how he was going to plan a future with a partner who is is always doing a 180, he said that he would plan a future on what he wanted. But he didn't have anything to say when I pointed out that a future that he wanted would truthfully include the happiness of my metamour.