Friends and lovers

Oo, congratulations on your new family member! :) Sounds like you have a good system going in the house. How did you end up sharing the sleeping arrangements that you were pondering in your previous post, if I may ask?
 
Thanks nycindie, Mya, RainGrlJenny & PinkPig! I was sure I posted an update a couple of months ago responding to Mya's question but I clearly did not complete that activity. I have noticed myself doing that from time to time recently (starting something and not finishing it, but having no sense of it being unfinished... ) which is probably understandable with an infant in the house, but a little disconcerting. I like to be able to trust myself!

Well, everything's been rolling along dandily here. We've now had visits from all six grandparents, and we've done some travel ourselves (Ocean, me & the sprocket - eh, let's say Fern - to Europe to visit my brothers, so Fern's uncles). There's some ongoing disapproval from some relatives (my parents especially) of my relationships and the family we have made together, but really, I don't have time to care! In a good way. I'm loving being a parent, and co-parenting with Ocean and Lobe is incredibly fun.

Most of the day-to-day responsibilities for Fern are still with myself and Lobe, but since the holiday away with Ocean (we were gone a few weeks), Ocean has been a lot more comfortable and eager to spend time with Fern. Not that he disliked it beforehand, but he didn't steal Fern away for cuddles and playtime as much as he does now. Lobe missed Fern a lot while we were away, but he was very gracious about encouraging me to travel. Lobe missed me too of course but it's different, I wasn't 3 months old at the time! We were attending a wedding of a close friend of Ocean's and mine, who had given us a couple of years' warning of the wedding so I really wanted to make it if we could. I'm elated it all worked out. One of the highlights was Fern's first ocean swim!

Re: where to put the baby to sleep, a work colleague had passed down a Moses basket / bassinet that we used for the first few months. We moved this from room to room and sometimes put it in the shared living space too. Occasionally we co-slept with Fern in one of our beds. In my bedroom, I have a roll-up futon so I can put that away or move it to other areas of the house if necessary. This has meant that my room is the most convenient place to set up the cot which Fern now needs (too big for basketing). We put the cot together over this weekend just past... I'm missing my space a bit already as we haven't re-organised my room properly yet so that my futon still fits there. We will sort it all out though eventually.

Some of Fern's things are in the shared living space, and most of Fern's clothes are in Lobe's room. It's been interesting negotiating space with Lobe.
I feel we're still getting to know each other and learning how to bend and communicate well when under pressure rather than 'snapping'. Each time round it's much better, and I feel I can rely on his emotional intelligence which makes me feel really safe and hopeful.

He is mostly generous about me taking up space in his room and the mess that inevitably accumulates from Fern sleeping there (in basket or bed) and from Fern's clothes mostly being there. But also Lobe is cautious about keeping enough space for himself. I feel similarly... I've had the pram, basket and cot pieces in my room for a while, but have been hesitant to commit to the cot being in my room (even though it makes the most sense there. There could be room in the shared living area for the cot if we moved the couch, but that would hamper us using the area when Fern is having naps/sleeping).

Anyway, as I said, it's all working itself out slowly. For Ocean's part, he's been his usual supportive self, sometimes chipper, sometimes a bit ground-down (by other things, not relationship stuff). He's tolerated a fair bit of new-baby-mess-overflow in and out of his room too :) I think it's starting to settle? But then, the child will crawl... Fun times! Must away now as Fern is squawking <3

tl;dr version: I am happy and all is well.
 
First week back at work to my regular part-time (3 days a week) job. I have mixed feelings about being back. The people are lovely, the work can be great too, but something isn't ringing true with it. I have just applied for another role which will possibly be more flexible with hours. I can't tell why I'm restless exactly.

Family life worms along wonderfully. Ocean cares for Fern one day a week, Fern goes to child care the two other days, and Lobe and I share most of the other Ferny responsibilities. Three adults in the household is really, really handy! Six hands, in fact. Our home life is really quite sane. Probably because we didn't have twins like some people ;)
 
Didn't get the job I applied for... Not too upset about it as I had been considering withdrawing my application anyway. However it was a bit of a wake-up call for me to reformat my CV. I think I haven't done that for over a decade. I have made updates, but the structure is sagging I think! The job I applied for is something I should have definitely got an interview for, given my experience, but I didn't even get short-listed for it. Argh. I find it so tiresome to prepare resumes, cover letters etc. Luckily I have work that is okay for now.

There's another maybe-better job with applications due end this month. A bit more of a long-shot than the one I was rejected for. Probably would be good for me to go for it, if only to have a reason to reboot my CV which I'll need to do at some point regardless.

Family life is trucking along. One sad stone I'm carrying around in my pocket at the moment is from a conversation I had with Ocean recently. I'd been thinking about what paperwork I need to get sorted now that there's Fern. Things like writing a will, completing any formalities that will help with co-parenting, and so on. I asked Ocean what he'd want to happen in the event that both Lobe & I died. Unlikely, I know, but that's what these documents are for, right? Ocean said that he would want to be able to visit Fern but wouldn't want any parenting responsibilities. He seemed pretty clear about it. I was surprised. I would say his parents would want more connection with Fern than he would!

Over the next few days I found myself feeling pretty low about this, as I was thinking of how Fern would be affected if Lobe and I died and Ocean didn't want to care for him anymore. Fern's still very little (just 8 1/2 months now) but he is already very attached to Ocean, who cares for him a whole day once a week, and who is an active parent in the household in general. Ocean's view, apparently, is he's happy to have a parental role if I'm around, but wouldn't want those responsibilities on his own. That's fair enough, of course, but I feel a protective instinct kicking in on behalf of Fern. Is it possible to have Ocean be a parent figure in his life, without him expecting more than what Ocean would be willing to give?

I guess one good thing is getting it clear in my own head, so I don't build up the wrong expectations myself. I suspect it will all work itself out, but right now it feels like somewhat of a risk.

In other news, Grotto (ex-of-the-very-bad-breakup) and I are tentatively talking again after many months of time out. Not sure where that's going, all I'm sure is that it's going to be slow. I'd like a healthy platonic relationship for now. Even that will be a challenge. Watch this space. Maybe.
 
A quick update. All's well at home. Fern turned 1 about a month ago and is loving family life. Fern's favourite times are when all of us are hanging out, eg in the evenings after work. It's rather sweet, really.

I have been fighting off a cold/flu/chest infection the past few weeks, but apart from that I am doing ok.

There have been some challenges in my relationship with Lobe but we have been working things out at each stage. It feels healthy overall. Ocean is his usual amazing self. Life is lovely.
 
I can't believe it's been a year already! Happy birthday to Fern. :)
 
Thanks RainGrlJenny!

A bit more news, I'm pregnant again! Lobe is the biological dad this time too. We're due mid December, so all going well, Fern and baby #2 will be 19 months apart in age. It will be happy chaos, I think. The three of us will continue to co-parent.

One thing I haven't talked about on this blog for a while are other lovers in my life apart from Ocean and Lobe... Well! None at the moment due to a temporary agreement I made with Lobe to not add new partners or lovers while we transitioned to him moving to this city. This was something I offered without him asking, a couple of years ago (around this time in 2015). Then came Fern and we tabled the discussion for a bit more.

I brought it up a few times last year but the energy was wrong. Lobe and I were still figuring out parenting dynamics and general domestic life. Around November I said I would leave it for a year and we could talk then. What I would like to know is Lobe's comfort levels with various types of connections. He is firmly monogamous and doesn't want any partners or lovers apart from me. If it was just up to him, his preference would be for me to have no other lovers outside our V, because that would be simpler for him. I have said that I would like to be as open as possible to new connections, but I would want to talk more with Lobe around how this could work for him and any agreements or compromises that might help.

I'm not sure that poly (beyond this V) is something I need, but it definitely is something I want in the medium to long term if it is possible to do in a healthy way with Lobe. It has been convenient for me to simplify things a bit for now, and it was especially helpful to do so during the messy breakup with Grotto and its aftermath. But I want the issue kept alive so there is an ongoing understanding that I am not necessarily ok with this forever.

I'd like to go away with Lobe and Ocean separately in the next few months, without Fern. A weekend if we can manage it, or at least an overnight. If the timing is right, I might talk with Lobe during our time away about his feelings re opening up again. It'd be a bit earlier than this November but I can imagine things getting more hectic towards baby due date.

I am in no rush to have lovers beyond Ocean and Lobe and I don't have any current crushes or anything like that. Home life is quite absorbing and often exhausting, and will no doubt be even more so come December! I would just like to have the conversation(s) scheduled.
 
Congratulations!!! My two youngest, Emerald and Jade, are 19 months apart. It was crazy and chaotic (and exhausting), but so much fun having little ones so close in age.

I hope the remainder of your pregnancy and the birth go smoothly :)
 
My boys are a little further apart (25 months versus 19) but I have enjoyed having them be close enough in age that they are friends. My little brother had kids about 5 years apart and, while they adore each other, it's not the same type of interaction my kids have. It is chaotic the first while, though having 3 adults might make it a little less chaotic.
 
A belated thanks, PinkPig & Hannahfluke!

Baby two due very soon, and the pregnancy has been going well. I've been fairly sick myself (I caught every bug that was going round for the whole of the Southern Hemisphere winter, and have been nauseous throughout) but McFoetus itself has been heartily healthy.

I've been off work the past few weeks, resting, nesting, re-grounding. I only have solo care for Fern on two weekdays so I've had some much-needed downtime.

Due in part to feeling unwell often, I haven't managed to get away with just Lobe or Ocean, but I have done some travel with Ocean with Fern in tow, and Lobe and I have had some lovely sleep-ins when Fern has had my parents visiting. Time's ticking now & I will be staying put.

From time to time, I've found myself still being haunted by Grotto (ex of the very messy breakup) and I've been working at identifying why. Our relationship was great, until it wasn't. Probably 3 1/2 years mostly good, often spectacular, 1 1/2 years demented with brief moments of comfort & warmth. It was a massive poly crash & burn in the end. Since the breakup, we've had fits and starts of re-establishing friendship. At one point, he told me he wanted to be intimate again, which I thought about then said no to, at least not yet, and he got very angry (reinforcing my instinctive decision, really...). We seemed to have come back from that earlier this year, but he asked for space around April (I think) and we haven't been in touch since then.

One of the things that has kept him on my mind is the continuing impact of an incident that happened about 2 years into our relationship. Note, I'm about to talk about sexual assault.

I trusted (and still trust) Grotto to be a healthy sexual partner. This one incident was out of character and happened because he was too drunk to be responsible. Basically, I was staying with him overnight at his mum's place as we were visiting her for dinner. We'd all had some wine but Grotto had drunk much more and maybe other things (I don't remember what he was drinking). We had consensual play before bed, with some aggression/violence as part of the play, then we went to bed. I wanted to sleep, and maybe was already falling asleep or maybe he woke me up. I don't remember how it started, but essentially he climbed on me and pinned me down and started fucking me. I said our safeword, no, and said I wanted him to stop. I told him to get off me. I tried to push him off me. Then I realised I actually couldn't.

He was blank to my rejections. This was going to happen regardless. I had run out of ways to communicate my lack of consent. I've experienced sexual abuse in my childhood and some sexual assault as a teen / young adult. I had never been raped before but this felt similar to things that had happened to me in the past (in terms of lack of agency). I dissociated and the sex happened to me. Grotto finished, fell asleep, I was numb, then shaking, then crying. I eventually slept.

In the morning, I talked about it with him and he had no recollection. The conversation was hard for me because although I had the experience of being raped, I couldn't judge him like a person who knew what he was doing. He didn't know what he was doing, that's why he did it. I told him how awful I felt and he apologised at the time. Then I don't think we talked about it again for ages... It came up again a few years later (more details below) and when I talked to him about it (him raping me) he had forgotten entirely! He was so drunk that he also had no memory of the conversation we had about it the next morning.

The next few paragraphs are more about the impact of this experience, since I'm on the topic already and it's been affecting me a bit lately.

More recently, when things became bad in my relationship with Grotto, the impact of that incident resurfaced. Towards the end, Grotto was upset about me not having sex with him. He'd rage about it. It wasn't at me, it was an expression of his pain, but it still felt like a pressure. He would never force himself on me but his level of upset when I said no felt coercive (at least in impact, if not intent). Around this time I started having panic attacks with Grotto regarding sex in general and around another partner whenever he was even a little bit drunk and approached me sexually. I would slip back to the experience of being immobilised by Grotto.

Fortunately at this point I was already connected with a wonderful counsellor who was helping me unravel the threads from my childhood experiences of sexual abuse & assault. She helped me with strategies to recenter myself where I was.

I had another patch earlier this year where a client at work triggered similar flashbacks in my current relationships (I work a lot with women and children experiencing family violence, and occasionally a story hits me closer to the bone.) And recently, too, some of the #metoo has stirred me, including some stories about someone in my circle of acquaintances which included reports of him using his body strength to rape partners while he was drunk or high. I read something about the experience of one of his ex-partners the time when he raped her, and her feelings afterwards... Although this is related to a totally different person who had a serious pattern of abuse rather than Grotto (who I am confident is not at all like that apart from the drunken aberration with me, and who has self-awareness and empathy to take more care with other people) it still has brought it back.

Unfortunately my counsellor had been on extended sick leave and then eventually quit recently before I could re-engage. My work supported me with some additional counselling through the work debriefing person, which was good, but that's finished up since I've left work. I think I've needed to talk to someone, but I don't think I can face a new person right now. Writing here, at least, has helped.

I didn't plan to go there with this post (I really only meant to do a family/life update!) but hey, the river winds where it will.
 
Happy times in our household! We are a family of five now; we had our second baby, Elf, earlier this month. Elf is healthy and quite magical already. Fern seems to have acclimatised well to having a new sibling and we are treasuring these early days being altogether. Hope everyone is having a good holiday season so far.
 
Congratulations on the new family member! :)
 
I'm glad you've updated us on recent ponderings and events, fuchka. Congratulations on the new baby, it sounds like you're very happy. :)
 
Thanks muchly, Mya and opalescent :)

Happy 2018, folks! Somewhat sleep deprived here, but far less so because of our three adult household.

An example: The other morning, Lobe and I had crashed around 6.30am after a Very Active Newborn night with Elf. Far away in my passed-out-dreams I heard Fern rustling to get up. Following soon after were sounds of Ocean getting Fern up, sorting breakfast etc. I settled deeper into dreams.

When Lobe and I eventually got up with Elf's next rising, it's nearly 11am. We're rejuvenated by the unexpected sleep-in and almost ready to face the day!

I really appreciate that Ocean can sense when things are rough, and step up to help out. He has been very supportive and has asked a few times whether there are any specific tasks he could be doing to make things easier.

It was Ocean's and my 8 year wedding anniversary recently. We didn't do anything elaborate to celebrate it, just had a few long cuddles and reminiscing. Yay us. We probably mark the anniversary of us getting together more than the "getting hitched" date... Will be 14 years this April I think. I always have to check with Ocean as I lose track of the years :eek:
 
Happy February! I'm increasingly aware of the movement of the seasons across both hemispheres, and the multitude of festive moments marked by people in different cultural contexts. New years and harvests abound, like firecrackers going off for months. Last week, we stumbled on a Vietnamese bakery in the outer suburbs. The place wasn't officially open, but they invited us in anyway. We talked a bit to the family and walked away with a small tower of moon cakes.

Soon after Elf's birth, a dear friend moved to our city. She's been kicking around Europe for the past several years. We moved a few things around so she could stay here for a few weeks while she found permanent digs. A long time ago, in another country, she and I lived together (around when Ocean and I first got together) and it's been quite nostalgic hanging about the house again. She moves on to her new accommodation next Thursday. Fern's grown very fond of her, so we'll have to schedule regular catch-ups.

I think I've finally accepted that we're going to be living in this city for the foreseeable future. It's taken me years, really. Every time I think of growing connections here, putting down roots, I've had pangs of wishing I could just go back to where I already had the solid beginnings of the life I wanted. Like a garden that I'd already dug up, built planter beds and bedded down a few fruit trees in... It would be so much easier to go back there, where I'd made a great start of it! But the votes are in, and we're staying here for a while. (eg -
We've been house hunting!)

About a week ago, I took some time to reflect on friendships I do have in this country, and made some commitments to myself as to how I will both appreciate my new, local community as well as treasure the networks I have elsewhere. The behaviour won't be much different to how I was acting before, but it feels like a different state of mind now. As if I've stopped trying to sail directly into the wind and have instead settled into a more comfortable tack.

Ok, I'm running on borrowed time now. Elf will wake up any moment, I think. A final word about this blog. I've been deciding how to continue with it. Basically, Lobe is a very private person and isn't comfortable with his life being on a public forum. He doesn't trust the light-weight anonymity of pseudonyms, and he doesn't like that I keep this blog. We had a discussion about it some years ago (when he first found out I blogged on here) and he said he just wanted me to know how he felt about it (i.e. uncomfortable) and that he did not like the idea of any of his personal life being posted on a public forum. He acknowledged that this site (and my blog here) was a space and community I enjoyed, and I agreed to be as considerate as possible of his feelings when I decided what and how to post. He doesn't read my blog (and wouldn't want to) so he's not monitoring me or anything like that. However I've felt quite cautious about continuing to blog on here, and have felt like I need to be cagey sometimes when I'd rather just share what's going on.

These feelings have become more frequent since Lobe and I live together now, as many of the topics I want to discuss will involve him, even if only in an incidental way. I've considered using password-protected / 'friends only' options to continue this blog on other sites (eg LJ or tumblr) but I don't really want to leave this forum. The best alternative I've thought of is to create an invite-only social group for the sole purpose of blogging more freely about my life, and invite users I am comfortable with to follow me on there. It seems a round-about way though, and a bit self centred? (A social group where the common interest is my life? Haha) But could serve the purpose.

If others were interested, too, I'd be open to sharing a social group with other bloggers who wanted to blog less anonymously on here (non-anon?)

Hmm... Just thoughts so far. I'll keep sidling along here for now. Would appreciate any suggestions from My Loyal Readers (pffft ;))

PS, re "pffft ;)" above, I spent way too long to try to express "I'm not as self-absorbed as that sounds but I do actually appreciate the people who read this blog" in an emoticon / emoticon combined with a sound effect following "My Loyal Readers". How did I do? Ah, rats, I just realised the classic pokey-out-tongue might have worked fine :p Cos it's also a kind of tongue-in-cheek look, right? Damn, I clearly can't internet-face right now. Gonna quit digging this hole...
 
Lobe, Ocean and I are going to an auction this Saturday. It's our first one and I'm feeling nerves around it. I remember in my mid-teens, buying a semi-acoustic guitar. It was about $400 (with a hard case included!) and til then the most expensive thing I had ever bought. It was several weeks of savings to me at that time. I'd been in and out of the music shop for days, playing it, going away, thinking about it, coming back... When I finally decided to buy it, there was a short "beep" as the electronic transaction went through and it felt like I'd been turned inside out. I still play that guitar today.

Buying a house (!!) is a similar feeling but too enormous to fit in my world. It's a number so large that it's meaningless. Our budget is to pay in mortgage repayments about what we currently pay in rent, so if I think of it like that, it's less scary. But it's still an almost inconceivably long-term commitment (30 years? I'm not much older than that myself!) Not to mention the co-ownership aspects which I will have to write about later because Elf mewls!
 
We didn't get the house, but we feel ok about it. It was just us and another bidder (a developer who was planning to tear down the 100 year old house) who outbid us. Any sadness I feel is actually for the house and for the really wasteful nature of property development driven by private rather than community interests.

The weather has taken a cool turn. (We're in the Southern Hemisphere, so heading towards autumn now.) I haven't got the warm baby clothes out yet, but I remembered there was a woollen jumper that Fern didn't get a chance to wear (Fern had outgrown it by the time we got it) that I had put on a large teddy which was now buried in the bucket of soft toys. So - teddy fished out, jumper pulled off the teddy and put on Elf! It looks very cute though slightly undermines the "Elf is not a toy" message we've been trying to communicate to Fern ;) Funny how this simple lesson ("people are not toys") is applicable to preschoolers as well as adults!
 
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