New to poly but know this is us

daledanniekris

New member
Hi, my name is Dannie and I am a female. I live with two men, my husband and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is my primary, but we all get along like we have been doing this forever. Our biggest problems seems to be logistics. My 92 ear old father lives with me cutting down on privacy. Plus for the three of us thre are only two bedrooms, we'd like to have three bedrooms, one for each or us. Any ideas are welcome as we are still learning. BTW we are not the younger generation I mostly see on these forums. We are 50 to 55. :p
We are in the Salem Oregon area.
 
Greetings Dannie,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Good to meet you, I have somewhat in common with you as I am in an MFM configuration and am starting to get up there in years (48 as of late last year). I am curious about something: Does your father know about your poly dynamic? If so, how does he feel about it? I know that even if he knows and accepts, there's still going to be a lot of awkwardness due to the lack of privacy.

I can't imagine what you can do about the two-bedrooms-for-three-people problem. I assume you're not in a position to buy a bigger house. As macabre as it is for me to say, you may simply have to tough it out until your father passes away. He is getting up there, like you said.

Does your father need a lot of care? How's his health? If he's ailing badly and needs round-the-clock caregiving, that's an enormous weight exerted on all three of you (you and your two guys). These things can make relationships difficult all around. I kind of know that by experience.

It sounds like you are making the best of things, and getting involved on Polyamory.com is a great way to learn new information and get feedback from a wide range of experienced polyamorists. I'll be following this thread so you can always ping me here.

Glad you could join us; hope you'll enjoy your stay.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hello and Welcome! I am also in a MFM Vee with me as the hinge. I live with my husband and my boyfriend and we only have ONE bedroom! The current plan is that, after a few other financial issues are addressed, to build a "bachelor pad" addition for Dude - so that he can "entertain" privately, if desired. (His current GF is "dating" all of us independently so that is less of an issue.)

We are in our late 30s/early 40s - no kids.

Although my Dad doesn't live with us currently, if it ever becomes necessary the plan would be for him to move in with us. (Or at least onto the same property - if feasible, I would prefer to construct an attached "in-law" type apartment or build him a small cabin.)
 
Hello! I'm also quite new to the forum, but have already received many supportive and welcoming messages. It's nice to hear about other ladies MFM situations, especially ones who have more experience living in close proximity of each other. I hope you have a god time on the forum :)
 
Thanks for the Welcomes

We got a several welcomes to the sight and I wanted to reply to some of the questions.
It seems there are a lot of questions about my father living with us, plus some questions about how we manage three people with two bedrooms. I'd like to answer those just because it feels to good to talk about us.
My father does not "know" about our poly relationship.. He has to wonder what the heck is going on. K is my husband but D is my primary. K and I actually separated back in Dec and right after that D and I reconnected from a previous relationship. When D and K met they hit it off immediately and it was D who suggested changing our relationships. They are both straight so it was beyond my imagination that they both agreed. I am one lucky girl.
But I digress. My father has to be confused as I live with D but K is here every week, sometimes two day, some times a week. He sees my husband leave and my boyfriend stay. We come in and out of the house as a trio, couples and singles. He must have a million questions that he doesn't ask.
He doesn't need a lot of care, and thankfully K and D take on most of that. He isn't active for a very long period each day though. so that gives us more privacy. This week I am going to K's home for three days without D. Usually when we go there it is all three of us, so this one should confused Dad when Dale stays home.
We do look forward to having more freedom and openness if my father ever passes or we are able to move into a more accommodating place. Right now K does not live here as he is helping with his mom, so that lessons the stress some.
At this time, my father and K's mom but a kink in our kink. We do have tentative plans to move into a bigger place and for K to join us but they are still on hold.
If anyone has any more questions or comments I'd love to communicate with more poly's especially MFM. Blessed be.
Dannie
 
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Okay, that gives me a better idea of how things work for you guys. It sounds like your father is probably just grateful to be able to stay with you even if some things are confusing to him.

So, no episodes of jealousy between the two guys? How do you decide how to divide your time between them?
 
Jealousy.

Yes, think Dad is happy to live here. Before this he lived with my middle daughter and he didnt like the situation.
How I split the time between the guys? That really is a play it by ear. Sometimes Kris isnt here tso that makes it ways. Next week I am going back with Kris to his place so we will have alone time. Otherwise it just unfolds how it unfolds. For instance last night I didnt feel good ( no- not a headache lol) so I went to sleep before anyone, and the guys worked on a project together. The only think my primary has asked is that at least a few times a week we get out pillow talk time, even if we don't even up sleeping together.
As I said before though, we are very new so I probably need to answer these questions all over again in six months.:p
Danni
Of the topic, how do you get the things at the bottom that tell about who you are or count down/up? Thanks!
 
If you mean the siggy lines at the bottom of each post, try these steps:

  • Click on User CP (top left-hand corner of window).
  • Click on Edit Signature (about halfway down the left-side column).
  • A window appears in which you can create/edit your siggy.
  • Compose your siggy line/s, then click on Preview Signature (button near bottom of page).
  • If the siggy looks okay, then click on Save Signature (just to the left of Preview Signature).
  • Whatever you submitted should appear at the bottom of your posts from now on.
Some people use their siggy lines to present some quote, others use them to name their family members and/or poly partners. You can use it for just about anything as long as it's not spam.

Don't know if that's what you were looking for, but that's my best guess! I don't think siggy lines can count anything, you'd have to make that happen manually.

As for your sitch it sounds like you don't need a lot of rules or regimentation. Good for you, less rules is usually better.
 
Hi Dannie,

One caveat about the siggy line. As far as I can tell, if you use the siggy line feature that Kevin (kdt26417) explains, it always use what is _currently_ in your account. So if you change the siggy line today, it will be changed in all messages where you used the siggy line, even if they are two years old.

I personally have found that very confusing. Say I'm reading someone's blog, and reading the beginning, which is 3 years ago. There are several people mentioned by initials or nicknames. But some of those people are no longer in the OP's life. So the siggy line doesn't include them anymore. I'm left trying to figure out the relationships involved.

So I prefer to have a siggy line that I keep in a file, and I cut and paste it into my messages.

In terms of the "counting down", are you talking about the things that say
"Page 1 of 10" and then show squares or rectangles for First, 1, 2, 3, and Last? Those only show up when there are enough posts to have more than one page. The number of messages per page is a settable option, but it appears that the forum default is 10. If you're using the defaults, there have to be 11 posts in a thread before you'll see those squares.

Hope that helps, and welcome to the forum!

FAL

--------------------------------

M - Me - female, 59 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
Clyde (previously B) - 56 - my husband for over 34 years
Jacques (previously JP) - 58 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him
Artemis (previously A) - 65? - Jacques's wife of over 30 years, who's not cool with things
 
Thanks for the Help

Thanks for the help, I think I understand the siggy line now. I am also looking fora countdown tool that i have seen on some posts that count up to or down from life events:D.
Thanks
Dannie
 
Re:
"I am also looking for a countdown tool that I have seen on some posts that counts up to or down from life events. :D"

Aww, no way ... are you sure you saw that somewhere on this forum? If so, can you give me a link or some kind of directions so I can see it too? That's a new one on me, I didn't know we had a countdown tool.

I guess your best bet would be to ask the mods how to do it. If they don't know, who would? :) and if they do know, pass that info on in this thread, cause I'm curious.
 
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