Seeking help (me mono, she poly)

Gunnar

New member
So in short: We have had the most amazing relationship. We have been madly in love for almost 20 years and always regarding each other as the love of our lives, our respective soul mates. Most of our friends have defined our relationship as the one to be inspired by and nothing has ever come between us. We are the best of friends, we have amaaazing sex (still) and we are even married since one year.

But 6 months ago another man entered our lives and my wife fell in love with him. He looks better than me, he is better at sex, he lives a more interesting life and he has a lot larger penis than I have (it's important since she is fascinated by large penises) and everything about him are amazing.

She fell in love with him immediately when they met, started dating 2 days later and they had sex within 6 days from the first time they met. We also occasionally have threesomes where I can witness by myself that she enjoys the sex with him about 10 times more than with me despite us both believing up until now that we've had amazing sex. I've never seen her enjoy sex more before. She has transformed from this sexually amazing woman to a professional who uses all three holes with him which she rarely did with me up until he showed up. She has orgasms I've never even dreamt of was possible.

I have gotten to know him well during this half a year and he is a very good guy and I consider him a good friend now too.

She has told me she now have realized she is poly (never realized it before) and she wants us both and wants us to move together all three and live at the same place. She can't live without neither of us, she has told me.

I am mono myself. She is the love of my life. The one my whole universe rotates around. I can't see myself ever falling in love with someone else but her. She is a one in a million and has the heart the size of a planet (and a body that is equal as good)

Last week we went to a honey moon vacation and she texted him telling him she wished he was there too and the very day we came home she wanted to go to him.

Tonight he proposed to her, saying she is the best thing that has ever happened to him in his life. She told him she would have said yes if she hadn't already been married.

So tell me, how the hell should I cope with all this. Do we even have a future?
I have HUGE problems coping with the fact that the guy is like a better version of myself and when I compare our features I can see him better at everything I have ever put pride in within myself.

But still she want's to have me in her life.

I don't understand. Please help me do.
Do we have a future or is he simply her next boyfriend and she is too afraid of hurting me to say bye bye already?

Please explain how a poly's mind works.

(At the moment she at his house having sex for the second time in 7 hours and I'm abandoned at home all alone)
 
Did you guys discussed this at all before she dove into this new relationship? Why did you agree to this?

She is experiencing NRE (New Relationship Energy). Perhaps her enthusiasm will die down a bit eventually. In the meantime it is common for established partners to feel a bit left out.

Having threesomes is not a requirement. If it bothers you to see her enjoying sex with another man, don't participate in threesomes.

For poly people, it isn't a competition. I've never compared my partners like you are comparing yourself to him.

If you are going to continue in this relationship you'll need to realize the days of you being a "couple" are over. There are other people involved now.
 
Did you guys discussed this at all before she dove into this new relationship? Why did you agree to this?

We didn't discuss this scenario. Previously we've a few times invited other men into bed with us and it wasn't supposed to be more than that this time either. Besides, she didn't reveal to me she had feelings for him until about 3 months in but then she told me the feelings were instant and there from the beginning.

She is experiencing NRE (New Relationship Energy). Perhaps her enthusiasm will die down a bit eventually. In the meantime it is common for established partners to feel a bit left out.

It's been 7 months now and her energy about this is still accelerating... and his too I'm afraid.

Having threesomes is not a requirement. If it bothers you to see her enjoying sex with another man, don't participate in threesomes.

It doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that she is enjoying it MORE with him than with me. She has even told me this but also told me she is very happy with our sex still. The thing is that this guy is out of this world sexually. Really really good lover.

For poly people, it isn't a competition. I've never compared my partners like you are comparing yourself to him.

I know this is how a Poly mind works but I'm not Poly at all so my mind works differently. It's not that I count seconds or orgasms etc but I can't help thinking that if he is better than me in almost every aspect and also lives the life she has always dreamt of, what use does she have with me?

If you are going to continue in this relationship you'll need to realize the days of you being a "couple" are over. There are other people involved now.

I have realized my life will never be the same again and that I will have to accept to let half of my wife go. That she will live with him every odd week and with me the other weeks. However the thing I'm most afraid of is that I will no longer even be a part of this in a few months time. I can see the trajectory of her feelings and I consider her to be more careful with their relationship than with ours.

I mean, we married just a year ago and promised each other to ALWAYS put our releationship and each other FIRST. What happened?

Ok, I understand that you can't help if you are Poly and you can't help if you fall in love with someone. What you CAN help is what you choose to do with it, I believe.
 
Gunnar, you do NOT have to live with this guy. Full stop.

It sounds as if you aren't advocating for yourself very well. Rather than tell her to not go to her boyfriend's house twice in seven hours for sex, tell her what YOU need to feel cherished by her.

While I understand that you do not want to find another relationship, it is never a good idea to let someone else become your whole "universe." You need to develop relationships and hobbies that are just for you.

As Vinsanity said, threesomes are not mandatory. Be kind to yourself, and don't be concerned only with what your wife wants.
 
While I understand that you do not want to find another relationship, it is never a good idea to let someone else become your whole "universe." You need to develop relationships and hobbies that are just for you.

Oh. I have loads of hobbies, relationships and activities that has nothing to do with my wife. It's not that we are siamese twins and never separated. I would say our relationship (up until now) has been quite normal, however with HUGE amounts of love and respect towards one another.

I was just trying to say that my love life with her was the center of my universe ;-) Which it should be according to me since we recently married.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. Here are my impressions. I don't know if they helps you any.

You don't sound opposed to sharing her time and attention. Are you? I cannot quite tell.

You mostly sound upset that this is "taking over everything" and that you keep comparing yourself to the other guy. Are those the main problems?

I was just trying to say that my love life with her was the center of my universe ;-) Which it should be according to me since we recently married.

Well, it sounds like it still is on your end. (Your love life with her) is the center of your universe.

Just that (her love life with you) is not the center of hers at this time. She might get to a place where she has two centers. Right now its skewed to the new partner.

Are you in mourning for that loss/change?

How is it you guys have been in love/together 20 years and just now got married in the last year or so? It makes for a different dynamic... like being old partners while at the same time, new spouses.

You seem to be on a "newlywed" frame of mind. While she sounds like she is in an "established partner" frame of mind and possibly taking you for granted as a result. She doesn't sound "newlywed" mindset. Is that true?

I am mono myself.

What does "mono" mean there? Do you mean you are (monoamorous and relationship shape flexible?) You want to share love with 1 sweetie, but you can be ok in a monogamous shape thing or an Open shape thing or a Poly V shape thing? Just that the Poly V shape is new and you need to ease into it where she's jumping in feet first?

Or do you mean you are (monoamorous AND monogamous) -- where really you want it to just be you two. And your heart really wasn't in the previous threesomes and whatnot. But since they were casual one offs you sucked it up ok enough. But you REALLY are not into this -- her having another BF and you being in a poly V thing?


To me? This is too fast with the new guy. And it sounds like wife is deeply in NRE. That can last anywhere from 6 mos to 2 years.

Could she be willing to read Poly Hell? Because it sounds like you are in it.

Frankly, she sounds like she is annoying you with her NRE lalalas. Is that it?

What bothers me is that she is enjoying it MORE with him than with me. She has even told me this but also told me she is very happy with our sex still. The thing is that this guy is out of this world sexually. Really really good lover.
To me this is oversharing TMI information. She could says she's very happy with your sex life together. Why does she ALSO have to share sex info about their relationship?

For 20 years you guys may have shared everything like you were each other's everything. But telling you how awesome her other lover is while you are struggling with the changes of becoming a V and feeling displaced? It's really unkind. Like rubbing your face in it. Telling you TOO much info.

Why do you need to know that stuff? What you need to know is that they use safer sex practices. You do not have to know this.

Does the other lover even consent to her sharing (their) info with you like that? She sounds kinda sloppy hinge about it all. Just gushing all over the place.

This also seems to be about what you think about your value. If you think all you bring to the table is your sexual prowess and that's all you are valuable for? Then yeah. Someone else having better sex skills than you is alarming. But is that really all that's held you together for 20 years?

She has told me she now have realized she is poly (never realized it before) and she wants us both and wants us to move together all three and live at the same place. She can't live without neither of us, she has told me.

This is lalala talk and wishful thinking. Don't get bent out of shape by it.

The reality is that you do NOT have to live together. Just because she thinks she wants something, doesn't mean all 3 want it.

You may not want it, BF may not want it. Living together has to be a 3 people yes AND 3 people compatibility. You could all want it but it STILL might not work because of pet allergies, disagree about money, disagree about where to live, have incompatible work schedules, etc.

You have enough on your plate. Don't get too excited about (stuff that isn't even here and might not even happen.) Deal with the problems of the PRESENT. Not jump ahead to potential problems of one potential future.

Get to BASICS first.

Do you even consent to be in a poly V thing? Do you even want to be here? Or do you feel like you are being railroaded into it? What would be your ideal situation? This sounds like you expected it to be like before -- group sex, casual, almost a one off deal.

Now you have THIS thing. If you did not discuss before, slow it down to discuss terms NOW. You don't sound unwilling to change models. You sound unwilling to change models THIS FAST. Is that true? :confused:

If the problem is comparisons? And you want to stop comparing in your head? Well, the stuff you think in your head only you can stop doing.

The other stuff outside of your head that might provoke extra comparing?

  • You CAN stop doing threesomes with them so you don't have to witness her lovemaking noises and her "using all 3 holes." May not have bothered you before with the casual sex people, but it bothers you NOW.

  • You CAN ask her to stop telling you how great he is. You already think he's a nice enough guy. She doesn't have to gush her lalalas at you, esp if they are hard to hear right now with what you are processing.

  • You can tell her you were disappointed with the honeymoon trip with her not really being PRESENT. You observed her being so attached to her phone to be with him that you felt neglected and an after thought on your own honeymoon. You can tell her you are willing to make space for her BF and not disturb them when it is their time together. But when it is your time to be together you want her to be PRESENT.

However the thing I'm most afraid of is that I will no longer even be a part of this in a few months time. I can see the trajectory of her feelings and I consider her to be more careful with their relationship than with ours.

You could ask her why she's more careful with the (him+her) relationship and taking the (you + her relationship) for granted.

I wonder too... that sentence is like you are worried she will dump you and you won't be part of this any more.

I wonder where YOU are? Like why wouldn't it be "I got fed up of being taken for granted and I chose to leave." Where YOU look out for your well being and YOU decide what happens to you?

I mean, we married just a year ago and promised each other to ALWAYS put our releationship and each other FIRST. What happened?

I disagree with this because I think it is flawed promise from the start.

I think you could put YOURSELF first. Not like in selfish way. But in a self care way. So you can operate from a full tank of gas. You have slept well, eaten well, etc. You are ok. THEN you can gift your help to others in helping them with their reasonable and rational requests and not be shortchanging yourself or burning out or running dry.

Putting you first also lets you say "I love you a whole lot, but not even for you will I do things that hurt me."

That empowers you to go "No, this is too crazy for me. I have to leave because this is hurting me."

If you promise to put the other person first always? Then there's no room to say that. You are basically promising "I will always put you first even if doing stuff hurts me. "

That is not ok to me. Why hurt your own self like that? :(

Ok, I understand that you can't help if you are Poly and you can't help if you fall in love with someone. What you CAN help is what you choose to do with it, I believe.

I believe that too. One cannot help what they feel. They CAN help how they chose to behave.

Does SHE believe that?

If she really wants to maintain BOTH relationships, she needs to figure out how to be better balanced hinge and attend to BOTH relationship. Is she willing to hear that / do that?

Is she able to see that the pace at which she chooses to go right now is damaging the (you + her) relationship? Where she's giving all the TLC to that side of the V and giving this side of the V a lick and a promise? Like just phoning it in, or half assed efforts? That approach may help secure the new relationship faster because she's giving it lots of time fast rather than lots of time OVER time. But that fast approach comes at a cost of damaging the existing relationship because that one goes shortchanged or neglected.

Does she think (neglecting you /taking you for granted) is the the path to (all 3 living together?) How's that supposed to work?

Galagirl
 
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Hello Gunnar,

It sounds like you are experiencing some jealousy, like you're afraid that she is going to break up with you so she can just be with the new guy. Here are some links that may help you with how you're feeling:

You seem to have two main problems, one, he seems to be better than you in every way, and two, she is falling for him faster and faster. Would you say she is neglecting you? If she leaves you, will that be her fault, poly's fault, or both? Could things ever get so bad that you would want to leave her? Take care of yourself, you have every right and reason to feel jealous.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You were together for 19 years, finally got married and she suddenly falls in love with someone else and turns poly? :confused:
 
You were together for 19 years, finally got married and she suddenly falls in love with someone else and turns poly? :confused:

Almost correct. We met 19 years ago, fell madly in love with each other however life came between us and we went different ways without ever experiencing being together.

For 10 years we had no contact at all and we both lived our lives with others. Then one day we reconnected, found out that both of us always have regarded the other as the One True Love so we ended our current relationships and moved together 5 years ago. Amazing 5 years it's been. Huge love to each other. Extreme respect for what we have. People around us looked up to our relationship and told us that they've always wanted to have what we have. Got engaged 2.5 years ago and married last year. Not a cloud in the sky. Both me and her were very happy and everything was like the dream we've always wanted.

6 months later she met this guy and apparently she had another dream too.
 
We are the best of friends, we have amaaazing sex (still) and we are even married since one year.

But 6 months ago another man entered our lives and my wife fell in love with him. He looks better than me, he is better at sex, he lives a more interesting life and he has a lot larger penis than I have (it's important since she is fascinated by large penises) and everything about him are amazing.

She fell in love with him immediately when they met, started dating 2 days later and they had sex within 6 days from the first time they met. We also occasionally have threesomes where I can witness by myself that she enjoys the sex with him about 10 times more than with me.. She has transformed from this sexually amazing woman to a professional who uses all three holes with him which she rarely did with me up until he showed up. She has orgasms I've never even dreamt of was possible.

(At the moment she at his house having sex for the second time in 7 hours and I'm abandoned at home all alone)

No offence, Gunnar, but the above reads a lot like a pornographic cuckold/humiliation fantasy. (Unfortunately, this forum has seen quite a few people posting about similar scenarios, with a heavy emphasis on sex and "large penises" simply to express their own sexual fantasies.)

If you're posting here in order to receive genuine advice from others about a very real and distressing problem, then this is what I'd say/ask:

1.) First of all, it's difficult to give you a comprehensive answer regarding the way "a poly mind works", because there are about as many different approaches to polyamory as there are to relationships in general. Poly people are not all cut from the same cloth, and every individual will "do poly" slightly differently.

It depends what your wife really seeks from this situation.

2.) If I were you, I'd be wanting to know what - if anything - she believes is "missing" from your self-described amazing relationship of nineteen years, (in which you still have amazing sex) that led her to need an additional relationship/sex partner at a time when you two had just married (?)

Have you actually asked your wife if falling in love with this man was something totally unexpected and out of the blue (on her part), or if she already felt something "lacking" within your relationship before she met him, which she simply hadn't made you aware of until then? :confused:

3.) What is her hurry in regards to wanting to move her other lover into the house you share? Surely this is a premature step, considering you haven't even had a chance to get your head around her newfound polyness. Is this just NRE hormones causing her to make rash decisions? How does she intend to explain his presence to your children and/or extended family?

Personally, I would tell her "no" very firmly. You most definitely do not sound ready to share your domestic space with a man with whom you're constantly comparing yourself unfavourably. That would be a recipe for avoidable drama and friction. Likewise, you do not have to participate in group sex/threesomes or witness their sexual interactions unless YOU agree or wish to do so.

4.) What did this man hope to gain from proposing to your WIFE? :confused::rolleyes: Surely, since he has known your wife for many months, he already knew about her/your marital status. Was it just NRE talking and him not being able to contain his "giddy lovey dovey" feelings? Was it some sort of power play? How did SHE react to his proposal? And why did she feel the need to tell you about it anyway, since she did not and cannot accept?

5.) Is it perhaps possible that your wife has somehow gotten the idea into her head that you are turned on by, or get off on the fact that she has another male lover, to whom you compare yourself and feel "lesser than" in many aspects? If you've ever dabbled in "hot-wifing" or shared porn/fantasies of that nature, she may believe it's something you enjoy, especially since you seem to have been a willing participant in group sex with wife and this other man. Is that a possibility here?

6.) I'd recommend asking your wife to slow way down on any plans with this guy while you try to figure out where this is all headed. Then think deeply about what YOU want and are prepared to accept in terms of being involved in a non-monogamous partnership. Discuss your feelings and needs with your wife openly. Meanwhile, do a lot of reading on jealousy and poly relationship structures... and try to come to some agreements that suit BOTH of you.

If your wife really wants to continue a relationship with this other man, his wants and needs will also have to be taken into consideration. It might help to seek guidance from a professional poly-friendly relationship counsellor.
 
No offence, Gunnar, but the above reads a lot like a pornographic cuckold/humiliation fantasy.

Oh, I wish I was cuckold. This would have been so much easier that way.

It depends what your wife really seeks from this situation.

She's told me: Her wish is to have both of us living at his home. That we should move there already this fall and that I should start explaining to my kids that their step-mom has another man besides their father now, that we both are equal to her and that there is nothing wrong with that.

If I were you, I'd be wanting to know what - if anything - she believes is "missing" from your self-described amazing relationship of nineteen years.

Nope. According to her nothing was missing except her dream of always wanting to live at a farm, close to the nature with cows, sheep, chickens etc. She hated living in a town. Besides that she was very happy with the life with me. The guy is a farmer, you see.

Have you actually asked your wife if falling in love with this man was something totally unexpected and out of the blue

Yes. It was unexpected. We were visiting a sauna we go to occasionally. He showed up, they started talking, 4 hours later when we drove home she was already in love so it hit her very fast and it was totally unexpected for both of us. This behavior she has never shown before.

What is her hurry in regards to wanting to move her other lover into the house you share?

Not our house. She wants us all (her, me, my kids) to move to HIS farm to start the farm life she loves as soon as possible because she believes it will be good for us all.

How does she intend to explain his presence to your children and/or extended family?

She doesn't intend to do that. It's my kids and my job, she has told me.

What did this man hope to gain from proposing to your WIFE?

He is not a bad guy. Quite the opposite. He is a really good man and he is hopelessly in love with her. According to him she is the woman or her dreams and the one he's been looking for throughout his whole life. He is 42yo by the way and has had several relationships before so I believe him. I don't think he intended to gain anything from it. He just felt he had to tell her I guess.

How did SHE react to his proposal?

She was flattered but didn't respond anything but just smiling to him.

Is it perhaps possible that your wife has somehow gotten the idea into her head that you are turned on by, or get off on the fact that she has another male lover,

No way she can still believe that after all the talks we've had. Sure, I can find it a turn on when she has sex with others (doesn't usually happen more that perhaps once a year) but I have always told her that I would feel really bad if she she gets strong feelings for someone else.

And now she wants to put me and him on equal level (No A and B, only A and A relationships) and I have a huge problem with this since we've had a special relation for almost 20 years now and she has only known him for 7 months. She has never met his parents or family, never met his kids, never met his friends, never went on a trip, never had a difficulty or fight. Come to think of it, they have hardly been anywhere else but on his farm. Never ever been shopping together even.

I can't understand how he can get equal importance as me.
Probable that's where my main problem is.

That, and that I can see their feelings growing for every day and I don't think I will be needed in her life in a few months time since everything I can give her, he can give her too but better... and he looks better than me, is taller, is VERY manly, has a larger privates and performs well above average, drives a motorcycle, has a farm, cows, sheep. He is simply so much more than me.

One difficulty more: My wife has had two prior longer relationships. Both ended after 5 years exactly by her finding a new man that was more exciting.

We've been a couple for 5 years now.
Coincidence?
I hope so.
 
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And now she wants to put me and him on equal level (No A and B, only A and A relationships) and I have a huge problem with this since we've had a special relation for almost 20 years now and she has only known him for 7 months.

We've been a couple for 5 years now.
Coincidence?
I hope so.

Thank you for answering so thoroughly, Gunnar.

I do need some more clarification on the above point however. In your OP you stated you and your wife have been together almost 20 years. Now you say you've been a "couple" for only 5 years - so which is it? Or do you mean you've *known* your wife for two decades but have only been officially together for five years? :confused:


She's told me: Her wish is to have both of us living at his home. That we should move there already this fall and that I should start explaining to my kids that their step-mom has another man besides their father now, that we both are equal to her and that there is nothing wrong with that.

Not our house. She wants us all (her, me, my kids) to move to HIS farm to start the farm life she loves as soon as possible because she believes it will be good for us all.

She doesn't intend to (explain the situation to them)It's my kids and my job, she has told me.

I'm sorry, I misunderstood you initially. I assumed you and wife have a home/house together, and she wants her new man to move in with the both of you. I didn't realise she wants YOU - her monogamous husband - to move into her new partner's house (the farm) and have you both take on co-primary status.

Personally, I think this is a LOT to ask of you, even if you were totally on board with her being poly and having developed such a serious relationship after so short a time. She is asking you to give up a great deal of your autonomy, privacy, as well as your current status as her husband/primary... to move into someone else's home (with whom you don't personally have a relationship). :confused:

I realise some people wouldn't see this as a problem, per se, however I think the time-frame is totally premature, since they've only been together for a mere seven months!

Not only this, but in addition to expecting YOU to deal with all of these major life changes (emotionally, financially and relationship-status-wise), she also expects your children to move in with, and accept, her Other Significant Other as an "equal" authority figure in their lives, AND seems to expect YOU will explain all this to them and "just deal with it". That is highly unrealistic, imho. :(

She needs to realise that - despite her claims that you will remain (at least) a co-primary partner - moving into her other lover's house under duress puts you at a distinct disadvantage. i.e. You'd be under somewhat of an obligation to this guy for putting a roof over both yours and your children's head.

IF the children's biological mother is still living and/or in their lives at all, it also bears consideration that this situation might not sit well with her.

Nope. According to her nothing was missing except her dream of always wanting to live at a farm, close to the nature with cows, sheep, chickens etc... The guy is a farmer, you see.

Yes. It was unexpected. We were visiting a sauna we go to occasionally. He showed up, they started talking, 4 hours later when we drove home she was already in love so it hit her very fast

She has never met his parents, never met his kids, never met his friends, never went on a trip, never had a difficulty or fight etc etc.

I can't understand how he can get equal importance as me. Probable that's where my main problem is.

It sounds as if your wife is letting her fuzzy-rainbow happy NRE hormones rule over her head, not just her heart. She is attempting to make major life decisions while still immersed in this crazy, "honeymoon phase", in which everything SEEMS perfect and the new lover can do no wrong - and as most experienced poly folk will tell you, that is almost always a BAD idea. :(

Still, as an adult, it's her choice who SHE lives with. The problem here is she is already married, but she's also trying to coerce you AND your family to cave into demands she's making while under the influence of NRE.

She needs to realise that once the NRE wears off, she may find herself coming down to earth with a crash. Nobody is perfect and life will have its ups and downs, no matter who she's in a relationship with. Doesn't matter if he's a farmer, lives on the land... or is super well-hung... at some point, reality will hit and there will be the usual arguments, jealousies, financial and work stresses to contend with. She also needs to realise HER "dream" is not necessarily YOUR dream or that of your children.


He is a really good man and he is hopelessly in love with her. According to him she is the woman he has always dreamt of and been looking for throughout his whole life. I don't think he intended to gain anything from it. He just felt he had to tell her I guess.

She was flattered but didn't respond anything but just smiling to him.

You say he's a really "good man", and he very well might be in many respects. He may have just gotten carried away by the moment.

But I see this "marriage proposal" manoeuvre somewhat differently - almost like he was trying to undermine your position, or pull a "cowboy" move on your wife.

Sure, he loves her - so why not just tell her THAT? By proposing to somebody he already knows is unavailable for marriage by virtue of the fact she already has a husband and home (with children involved), makes me think something might be amiss here.

And this is where I think your fear lies, too, judging by the below comment:

I can see their feelings growing for every day and I don't think I will be needed in her life in a few months time since everything I can give her, he can give her too but better.

My wife has had two prior longer relationships. Both ended after 5 years exactly by her finding a new man that was more exciting.

What I hear you saying is... you fear your wife is just trying to "soften the blow" of her eventually leaving you for this other, "better" man. In poly circles, this is called a "soft exit", wherein one partner falls for someone else and uses "poly" as an excuse to trade their existing partner in for the new lover.

I cannot speak to your wife's motives or feelings since she's not the one posting here, but if I'm being honest, I see this as a possibility here.

It's also possible that she is a serial monogamist, "NRE junkie", rather than actually polyamorous. Meaning, once the excitement of a long-term relationship has worn off, she subconsciously falls for someone else in order to experience that "high" most of us get when we're newly in love. If she has a habit of doing this after a prescribed period (you say five years), then it's possibly something SHE needs to be made aware of.

I think you and your wife could really benefit greatly from seeing a couples' counsellor or poly-friendly relationship therapist. There is a LOT to unpack here.
 
What I hear you saying is... you fear your wife is just trying to "soften the blow" of her eventually leaving you for this other, "better" man. In poly circles, this is called a "soft exit", wherein one partner falls for someone else and uses "poly" as an excuse to trade their existing partner in for the new lover.


It's also possible that she is a serial monogamist, "NRE junkie", rather than actually polyamorous. Meaning, once the excitement of a long-term relationship has worn off, she subconsciously falls for someone else in order to experience that "high" most of us get when we're newly in love. If she has a habit of doing this after a prescribed period (you say five years), then it's possibly something SHE needs to be made aware of.

I think you and your wife could really benefit greatly from seeing a couples' counsellor or poly-friendly relationship therapist. There is a LOT to unpack here.

I agree with the above a hundred times. It sounds as if YOU were the new shiny five years ago and that hapless man was dumped in favor of YOU. You just had no idea that was a pattern.

I am a former NRE junkie, always making sure I had someone waiting in the wings before I fully disengaged, much to my shame. It very nearly ended my current marriage, but we floated around poly as a possibility and I found I just wasn't able to sustain more than once focus for a relationship at a time. At that point, I realized I needed to "grow up;" NRE NEVER lasts forever and I was just causing a great amount of heartache, for myself especially.

Talking about you and your kids pulling up stakes to live on this man's farm is just nuts (not to put too fine a point on it.) Either she agrees to counseling, or it's time to cut bait. What if Farmer John decides he really doesn't want you around? What do you do with yourself and your kids then?
 
Thank you for more info. So you have known each other for 20 years, but only been together for 5 years total, the last 6 months married.

Gunnar said:
She's told me: Her wish is to have both of us living at his home. That we should move there already this fall and that I should start explaining to my kids that their step-mom has another man besides their father now, that we both are equal to her and that there is nothing wrong with that.

I think there is something wrong with that. This is way too soon and way too fast. I'm not hearing where she has obtained your consent to any of this.

You do not sound like you want to be doing this.

Gunnar said:
I have always told her that I would feel really bad if she she gets strong feelings for someone else.

Well, she's got strong feelings for someone else. You feel bad.

If she's not going to stop or slow down? And you don't want to be doing any of this at all? (Outside the marriage sex once a year or so) is one thing, but (participating in a co-primary V while raising children) is another thing? You could say so and let the chips fall how they may.

Or simply bow out and separate. Whether a temporary separation or divorce -- I don't know. But could put some distance between you so you start to feel better.

Gunnar said:
lunabunny said:
How does she intend to explain his presence to your children and/or extended family?
She doesn't intend to do that. It's my kids and my job, she has told me.

So she makes a decision that will affect everyone -- and everyone is just supposed to move to the farm all latidah because she wants to? And she expects you to acquiesce? And she's not gonna explain it to her step-kids or her in-laws? It's all your job, even though you really don't want to be doing this?

What kind of business is that? :confused:

I think you could say "NO" to all the above. You do NOT have to acquiesce. Yo don't have to agree to do any of that.

Gunnar said:
And now she wants to put me and him on equal level (No A and B, only A and A relationships) and I have a huge problem with this since we've had a special relation for almost 20 years now and she has only known him for 7 months.

We've been a couple for 5 years now.
Coincidence?
I hope so.

In case it isn't coincidence? It is her pattern? I suggest you NOT make any major life changes like moving to a farm. If she's hell bent on moving over there and taking up farm living? Let her go on her own. You and the kids don't have to uproot too. You don't sound like you want a co-primary thing.

Be ok saying "No, thank you. You can go on ahead, but this is not for me."

If there's a chance for counseling, I strongly suggest it. But if this is just crazy train? ZOOMING on recklessly no matter what, and what she wants trumps all? She's just gonna run right over everyone else?

It's ok to say "No, thank. I'm getting off this train."

It's ok to put your own well being and that of your children first.

It is ok to say "No, this is too crazy for me. I have to bow out because this is hurting me."

It is ok to say "I love you a whole lot, but not even for you will I do or stay in things that hurt me."

Galagirl
 
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Like Luna, I fear this is sounding like a cuckold fantasy, despite your (weak) denial. "You're not a cuck, you just WISH you were." Maybe you're writing erotica, based on a cheating scenario, and want to modernize it with a "polyamory" edge, so you came here to get more information to add detail to your novel...

Your protagonist is Gunnar, and that is a Scandinavian name. Sometimes you, as Gunnar, write as if English is your second language, sometimes you write ordinary English with no anachronisms.

I consent for you to use my input for your novel, if a novel it is.

Working Title:

The Farmer with the Big Dick and the Wandering 3 Hole Wife.

In your OP you said the married couple have been "madly in love for 20 years." Later you said they met 20 years ago, fell in love (were in an actual relationship? we don't know), but after a period of time, parted for 10 years with no contact. Re-met 5 years ago, (after both being in other long term relationships), declared they were each others' One True Love tm after all this time. How romantic!

They both dumped their partners, with no regrets, despite the man having children, and started up together. Finally they got engaged and FINALLY got married a year ago. Didn't go on a honeymoon until after they both met Farmer Joe at a sauna (how Scandinavian), with whom somehow miraculously the newlywed wife fell madly in love in 4 hours. After having finally just married her One True Love tm after 19 or 20 years of apparently yearning! And manly Farmer Joe fell in love too!! Yay for them!

But oh darn it! What bad luck for the Hapless Husband, Gunnar.

This couple had been in the habit, despite amazing sex between the two of them, of also doing casual swinging type sex "once a year". (Sexy spice for the book! Nice.) But somehow, even though it was supposed to be "casual" sex with others, no emotions, and knowing the wife was in love with Farmer Joe (?) (maybe hubs didn't know, but wife did), the newlywed couple engaged in sex with him anyway. You either participated or watched. Several times. Why did Gunnar do this? Why did Wife do this, breaking the agreement of casual sex only? We don't know. You need to fill in something about her state of mind about why she'd break her marital vows so soon. Oh! Here it is, she broke up her previous 5 year relationship to get with new and shiny Gunnar. Now she's starting the process of breaking up her 5 year relationship with Gunnar to get more completely coupled with shiny Farmer Joe. "Coincidence?"

Add in something about Wifey listening to the country song "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" on youtube over and over here.

Admittedly, for erotica, a farm isn't as glamorous for a hot cheating love nest as say, a high rise in LA or something. But wait! He's tall and hung like one of his horses, and even though your sex with her is "amazing," sex with him is 100 times better!

What is 100 times better than "amazing?" Better work that one out. We don't want her 3 holes completely blown out. Not just yet anyway. After all, Gunnar thinks Farmer Joe is a great guy. We don't want him putting Wifey in the hospital yet. The story is just getting good.

Farmer Joe proposed marriage to newlywed Wifey! (Huh?) She is flattered and smiles. "Oh, if only I hadn't just married my pencil dick husband/cuck. We can't marry, but I am ready to move myself, and him, and his kids onto your big Manly Farm right this instant! Because polyamory!"

So. Now Gunnar's wife goes all FemDom on him. "Worm! We are moving to my horse dick lover's farm! You KNOW I've always wanted to be a farm wife! I can't wait one more minute to feed a chicken or harvest a tomato! You have no choice, and neither do your kids from your former pitiful relationship. Tell those kids Farmer Joe is now their Dad also. Tell your parents that their grandchildren are moving to a farm owned by a near stranger because their STEP mother needs to ride a horse dick and a tractor NOW!!!

And while you're doing that, worm, I'm off to fuck Joe for the 2nd time in 7 hours. Bye!"

It's a cute story. The farm and the "polyamory" (which isn't polyamory because she's treating the hapless hero like shit, nearly stopped having sex with him, calling Farmer Horse Dick frequently from her HONEYMOON...) do make it a bit unique. Not that I am in the habit of reading Xrated romance. But I'm sure some people would pay money to read this book. Most people don't understand polyamory, so they will feel hip reading a book that purports to depict it.

Now hapless hubby goes online to ask help from other polyamorists. Does he HAVE to move himself and his wife's stepchildren (she's now an evil stepmother as well as a cheating wife) to the farm of the Big Dick Farmer just "because poly?"

We are saying no. But that probably won't work for the story. Leave that out. Let the husband move the entire family to the farm and see what kind of humiliation he/they will receive there! I can't wait to find out!
 
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I just have two word for you, Mags: Effin' LOL!
 
Your protagonist is Gunnar, and that is a Scandinavian name

Well, I do live in Sweden so my name is not that strange.

Sometimes you, as Gunnar, write as if English is your second language, sometimes you write ordinary English with no anachronisms.

English is my second language so I say thank you for that ;-)

In your OP you said the married couple have been "madly in love for 20 years." Later you said they met 20 years ago, fell in love (were in an actual relationship? we don't know), but after a period of time, parted for 10 years with no contact. Re-met 5 years ago, (after both being in other long term relationships), declared they were each others' One True Love tm after all this time. How romantic!

Not quite correct but pretty close. My relationship was already down the drain at that time and we were actually not even living together anymore. Her relationship had problems but was pretty ok still. Once we met again after 10 years she declared to me that she had never stopped loving me and that set things in motion which led to her leaving her boyfriend and moving in with me.

Finally they got engaged and FINALLY got married a year ago. Didn't go on a honeymoon until after they both met Farmer Joe at a sauna (how Scandinavian), with whom somehow miraculously the newlywed wife fell madly in love in 4 hours. After having finally just married her One True Love tm after 19 or 20 years of apparently yearning! And manly Farmer Joe fell in love too!! Yay for them!

Again, close but not correct. Got engaged 2 years after we had moved in together. Got married 2 years after that. Went to our honeymoon the day after the wedding. I think you mistook our "celebration of our marriage trip" a few weeks ago as our actual honeymoon.

And again. We live in Sweden. We do have saunas here. We use them regularly. It's not strange at all for us to be in one and not strange at all that others might be in them too.

Admittedly, for erotica, a farm isn't as glamorous for a hot cheating love nest as say, a high rise in LA or something. But wait! He's tall and hung like one of his horses, and even though your sex with her is "amazing," sex with him is 100 times better!

Yes, you see my problem then. Sure, you don't believe my story but if you for one second accept the fact that I'm telling the truth you might see what difficult situation I am in.


The rest of your story I take as a huge insult so I will not even comment on it. Again: If you for one second accept that what I have written is 100% truth, you could perhaps realize how much you have now hurt me with your sarcastic story and remarks.

Did it make you feel good?
Because it certainly did not make me feel better about my situation.
 
Sorry for sarcasm

Yes, you see my problem then. Sure, you don't believe my story but if you for one second accept the fact that I'm telling the truth you might see what difficult situation I am The rest of your story I take as a huge insult so I will not even comment on it. Again: If you for one second accept that what I have written is 100% truth, you could perhaps realize how much you have now hurt me with your sarcastic story and remarks.

Did it make you feel good?
Because it certainly did not make me feel better about my situation.



Hi Gunnar, I'm sorry that you have gotten sarcastic/rude replies. You have to understand that people often use this forum for fantasy or story writing purposes and some people have been burned by it enough to react poorly. Also some people don't bother reading the entire thread before replying and don't seem to get that the internet is available around the entire world so not everyone is American in here. So don't take it personally, if you've spent any time lurking on the internet as most of us have you understand that a lot of people use it to express their frustrations in their own miserable lives and lash out at others because they have anonymity. And some people are just jerks no matter where they are.
That being said your story does read like a well, story. If all the points are true then it really is a sad and difficult situation and I'm very sorry you are going through it. But from what I read you aren't given much of a choice like you should be given as a husband and partner. You obviously don't want to move in with this guy and there are many complications to all of this especially with children involved. Disrupting their whole lives and world view so she can shack up with a new guy is messed up. The way I see it, that is not an option. Leaving only a few others. Tell her no and let it play out. Let her go live with him and split the time. Or plan to separate while she explores this or forever. You don't have to take it you have a say. Maybe she isn't your one and only.
 
That being said your story does read like a well, story.


I don't get it. Why does it sound like a story?
I can prove every single thing about it. I have hundreds of photos of my wife together with me. I have photos of the farmer. I have photos of the farmer with my wife, I have photos he has taken of her. I have photos of HIM taking photos of HER.

I even have photos of me and my wife outside the sauna in question wrapped in towels, printed in a local magazine that wrote a story of the place.

Do you still think it's a story?
 
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