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Old 06-14-2018, 07:41 AM
Payne80 Payne80 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Default Feeling lost

About a month ago one of my partners broke up with me so she can be in a mono relationship. This hurt me a lot considering we were together for a year. We had also had the kink dynamic in our relationship. Which anyone knows that puts both parties in a very vulnerable place and can make you two extremely closer. I did not handle the breakup well at first. I didn't really grieve the breakup. Which made me distant from my other partner. After realizing how I was acting. I grieved through that breakup and things emotionally from that are getting better. But, here is where I am lost at. My other partner is going through things and she is not talking to me about them. All affection has stopped. Even though she tells me she loves me, I am not getting the feeling that she does. I have felt she has put up a wall in front of me. When we do spend time together, it feels like she is not even here. I know I made the mistake of being distant. I am asking for opinions. Is this the reason why I am getting the cold shoulder from her? Or is it just all in my head and I just need to wait for her to open up to me about what is going on?
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Old 06-14-2018, 08:46 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,408

I think you might be sensitive still from grieving the other break up, and realizing that you made some mistakes withdrawing from your present partner. Doing better, but maybe not totally back to normal.

You also seem to need some reassurance that she's not withdrawing from you. You also seem need some connection/closeness with your partner.

I think rather than guess? You could ask for what you need and offer help. Maybe something like...
"Partner, I noticed recently that when we spend time together, it seems like you are not really here. I would like for both of us to be present on our date time. I miss you and would like closeness and connection -- like talking, hugs, kisses (<--list whatever it is you like for connection). Could you be willing to do some of that?

Is there something on your mind you want to talk out? I'm willing to listen and try to help with it. Is it that you need something else? I'm willing to hear that too."
Then you have asked for what you need and if she's willing to do it.

And you have offered her help if that's what she needs. And given opportunity to say if what she needs is something else.

Rather than wonder, actually have the conversations you need to be having.

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Old 06-14-2018, 04:02 PM
Payne80 Payne80 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 4

Thank you
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Old 06-15-2018, 12:12 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 17,422

Hi Payne80,

I definitely agree with GalaGirl that you should talk with your other partner about what you are experiencing with her. Don't just hope that it will go away. Ask her to open up with you about what's going on.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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