Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-18-2018, 04:12 AM
ShivaKat ShivaKat is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 7
Default H doesn't talk when she goes out with us

I now live with R and H who are married. We've been in this little relationship dynamic for two years now, but only moved in together for a few months. I moved to them. R is my boyfriend. When R, H and I go anywhere together, H doesn't talk. H becomes mute, H looks at her phone, H won't order anything to eat. When I go out with H alone, she's fine, friendly, eats is happy.

I don't really know how to approach the subject with H, and I am someone who avoids conflict. Honestly I just don't like to rock the boat, but I wish she would just stay home if she was going to act this way. I know it's not me in general, because she often follows me around the house like a kid when I'm doing something.

I know perhaps she feels like the third wheel when with R and me, but she also does this when other adults are around. H hurt him, H betrayed him, and R is never going to get over it. H knows how R feels but I think hangs onto the hope that it will go back to the way it used to be someday. For R, H is mostly around because R and H have a kid together. For H, H doesn't want to work and plays video games all day. So this is really the dynamic of their relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-18-2018, 04:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,029
Default

Could speak plain. Maybe something like...
"H, could we talk? I noticed that when R, you and I go anywhere together, you don't talk. Like you are not really wanting to be there. You becomes mute, look at the phone, won't order anything to eat. I notice this also happens when other adults are around.

When you and I alone, you are fine, friendly, eat, seem happier. I enjoy your company more when you are PRESENT and participate. Do bigger groups bother you? Would you rather skip going out as a trio? Leave it at duos/less people?"
Quote:
I don't really know how to approach the subject with H, and I am someone who avoids conflict
Alternately... you could decide to not talk about this at all and solve your (discomfort at seeing H hide in her phone) by not doing trio outings. Don't invite her to any, and don't accept any invites to them. But that seems passive and not really fair. Like you want H to participate and engage more in conversations, but then you yourself aren't willing to engage in conversations?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-18-2018 at 05:38 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-18-2018, 05:23 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NW Minnesota
Posts: 1,724
Default

Yah, as (IMO) Galagirl kinda says, if you're not an equal partner, you're probably NOT an equal partner.

What can YOU do to possibly help correct this?
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-18-2018, 11:39 AM
endusal's Avatar
endusal endusal is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 84
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShivaKat View Post
H hurt him, H betrayed him, and R is never going to get over it. H knows how R feels but I think hangs onto the hope that it will go back to the way it used to be someday. For R, H is mostly around because R and H have a kid together. For H, H doesn't want to work and plays video games all day. So this is really the dynamic of their relationship.
Might I ask exactly what was so attractive in this dynamic that urged you to move in with them? :/

As to your practical problem, it looks like it might be just the tip of the iceberg considering the above. I'd bet H might like you as a person and genuinely enjoy your company, but resent your involvement in their life and your relationship with R. If she's hurt him in the past and R can't get over it, she might be putting up with that out of some sense of guilt. That's about what I can make out with the information you share.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-18-2018, 09:09 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,296
Default

Hello ShivaKat,

It sounds like H and R both have issues. R is carrying around a grudge, and H acts all weird. I guess the immediate concern is that she doesn't seem to be enjoying herself when the three of you go out together. So, either you need to start going out together only two of you at a time, or, you need to get to the bottom of what's making H so sullen. Either way, you need to sit down with her and talk. Possibly with R too, unless that would make H feel ganged up on. I guess it's conceivable that H wants things to stay the way they are, but I have to say, that would be hard for me to believe.

I hope you guys can work things out, one way or another.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-19-2018, 03:07 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 726
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShivaKat View Post
When R, H and I go anywhere together, H doesn't talk. H becomes mute, H looks at her phone, H won't order anything to eat. When I go out with H alone, she's fine, friendly, eats is happy.

I know perhaps she feels like the third wheel when with R and me, but she also does this when other adults are around.
H sounds very needy, insecure, even immature.

She may very well be jealous and resentful of your involvement with R, and is just biding her time until you disappear off the scene and she can have him all to herself.

However... there are other possibilities.

Since you say she is fine with you when you two hang out alone, without R, and that she often goes all quiet and uncommunicative when other adults are around too, it is just possible that she is more comfortable with one-to-one interaction. She could have issues with social phobia or the like.

Or she may be extremely possessive of R, and not like to share him with anybody else, whether you or other friends. (i.e. Not necessarily sexual jealousy, but jealousy/possessiveness in general.)

As you three all live together, I imagine this is a rather uncomfortable situation to be placed in. What is R's take on her behaviour? Why does he allow it to go on? (Her becoming mute, not working and just playing videogames all day etc.) Does he put up with it for the sake of being around for their child - or does he truly love her?

This situation sounds like it would work better in a "V" arrangement where R either lives with H and their child, while having a relationship with you outside of the home... or if you and R live together elsewhere and R visits H (and child) separately.
__________________
Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible
Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
Boho: F, 57, heteroflexible, primary partner (LD)

Red: M, 53, straight, ex-husband
Bud: early 20s, son
Lola: early 20s, daughter
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:42 AM.