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  #11  
Old 06-04-2018, 04:41 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Originally Posted by HurtandConfused View Post
the "we video'd it to be safe" lie is a bit much though... she can't even be honest then? (I'll assume it's a lie, because it's a bit absurd sounding).
Agreed. That is pretty far-fetched.

If she truly had concerns for her own physical safety in that situation, she would have:

- Made sure they met in a public place as was the original plan and not met ALONE for the first time.

- If meeting alone was the preferred option, but she had concerns, she could have asked someone (you or a trusted friend) to be "around" - either in the house itself or nearby, and let that person know what was going on.

- Ensure they utilised safer sex practices.
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  #12  
Old 06-04-2018, 06:58 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello AllRightyThen,

In this day and age there is really no way to monitor what your SO is up to. Either you can trust them, or you decide how you'll respond if you can't trust them. This may include breaking up with them, and that's where you are right now. Your SO has completely broken her word to you. If you stay with her, you are saying something about how you are willing to be treated. It's like she barely cares if she gets caught, like she wants to get caught. Is she torn between wanting to be honest and not wanting to be honest? Maybe.

What matters is how you feel about all that has gone down. Do you want to stay with your SO? Do you feel violated? Do your SO's actions cross the line for you? How will you move forward from here?

I hope this forum is of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #13  
Old 06-04-2018, 10:11 PM
HurtandConfused HurtandConfused is offline
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hardest part is,... she probably did it completely with out thought for you, you were not who she was trying to hurt, she was just trying to fulfill sexual desires.

It's hard to keep that in mind... or at least it is for me
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  #14  
Old 06-06-2018, 06:46 AM
Evie Evie is offline
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A video of sex on a first date.. I wonder who's being blackmailed.......
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  #15  
Old 06-06-2018, 09:22 AM
AllRightyThen AllRightyThen is offline
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I’ve been a train wreck over this. I’ve checked into a hotel to take a break from her and am taking the week off from work to process my thoughts/feelings. It’s going to be a long week. Thanks to all for the advice/suggestions/sympathy. Really don’t know where to start. I bought a couple books from online and got them today. Thanks Amazon! LOL. Just taking it slow and avoid her for awhile even though she has been calling and texting me like crazy. I turned my phone off so I get some peace.

Last edited by AllRightyThen; 06-06-2018 at 09:25 AM.
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  #16  
Old 06-06-2018, 11:20 AM
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endusal endusal is offline
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I'm really, really sorry you're going through this.

This goes way beyond negotiating privacy, so if you're being tormented by thoughts of how you could have handled things better in some way or other, don't.

Take good care of yourself as much as you can right now. Do you have friends, someone who can support you through this time?
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  #17  
Old 06-06-2018, 05:30 PM
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SlowPoly SlowPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by endusal View Post
I'm really, really sorry you're going through this.

This goes way beyond negotiating privacy, so if you're being tormented by thoughts of how you could have handled things better in some way or other, don't.

Take good care of yourself as much as you can right now. Do you have friends, someone who can support you through this time?
Seconded. While many of us have few to no rules in our relationships, fundamentals like honesty (before and after the fact), safety, and respect (at least acknowledgement?) of partners’ reasonable needs have been horribly neglected here. I mean, they’ve kind of been heaped on a bonfire and burned on your doorstep as a beacon of irresponsibility. I can’t see how she is showing that she cares about you in any of this. Where is the love?

Take care of yourself. You seem well-meaning and wanting to trust, to find a way to fit her behavior into some kind of process you can continue in together. But I think you’ll find agreement in your books and among any friends or strangers you consult: she doesn’t seem to be trying to work with you here. If she doesn’t immediately and convincingly express a *lot* of care and commitment to working things out, I wouldn’t expect you to ever trust her going forward. If that’s even possible at this point.
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  #18  
Old 06-07-2018, 07:03 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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No rule can fix anything. A liar will happily agree to any number of rules, then immediately begin to "accidentally" overstep, then weasel around them, then finally just break them. Yelling, tears, melodrama... reconnection, terms of endearment, new rules... lather, rinse, repeat.

If I distrust someone -- whether on a "gut" level or from their behaviors -- there is precisely nothing insofar as "rules" that can make up for that.

I can change expectations, decide that I actually don't care so much about what they are doing (specifically or generally)

...or I can expect they will correct their behavior (hopefully with much conversation between us, which can be a bonding experience)

...or I can say "if this continues, I am leaving" & follow through as necessary.
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  #19  
Old 06-22-2018, 04:41 PM
Keke Keke is offline
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I really should not have read this. I am sorry for you. Feels bad even reading.
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