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  #21  
Old 06-22-2018, 06:36 PM
YYC YYC is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
XYZ,

If you hadn't yet, you may want to create a thread of your own. Not a requirement, just a thought.

Generally the mono\poly relationships that are healthy, the mono partner desires to be monogamous because it suits them, not because the other partner wants them to be monogamous. They accept their partner's desire to be poly and have other relationships without wanting other partners for themselves. And sometimes this can change over time.

It is also common for poly partners with mono partners who express a desire to explore poly for themselves to become insecure, to have feelings around that they have to work though. It is a double standard to expect the previously mono partner not to explore poly if they want to, or demand they be mono. Often what happens is that the poly partner gets freaked out by the mono partner's explorations - maybe they find someone to date - and then demands that both of them become monogamous again. People can work through this and end up in the relationship style that suits them. But it will take a willingness to deal with discomfort, pain, jealously, and so on.

Polyamory is just the desire to have multiple relationships. It doesn't automatically have anything to do with group sex or watching others have sex. Personally, any time where I would be expected to allow a spouse of a partner to either join or watch me have sex with their partner, would be a deal breaker. I'm not interested. I would never impose that condition on someone else. I realize it's common in swinging to not do things separately, or mostly have couple based interactions with other people. But poly allows for a huge range of relationship interactions. You can ask your partner to only have sex with other people if you are there or if you can watch or join in. But she has the right to say no to that. And the people she has sex with have the right to not be interested in having you join or watch ever too.

Ask yourself why you want so badly to either be there and watch or be involved? Do you feel safer? Less insecure? Feel like you can control things? What are you getting out of that scenario? If you want that because it helps you deal with emotions of your own, rethink it. Rules that control someone else's actions in order to manage your own emotions are first, ineffective, and second, very unfair to everyone involved. In the long run, it is impossible to expect other people to manage your emotions for you. It's something you are going to have to do on your own. It's best to learn how to do that now, rather than be forced to later on.
Thank you for this. And yes I probably should have started a new thread, my apologies if this constitutes hijacking a thread I am somewhat new to forums like this.

That dynamic of the poly partner reacting negatively to any hint of the mono partner possibly wanting to try poly for themselves...thats the crux of this for me and my current experience. I quite honestly am not super motivated to go out and deal with the logistics of adding someone else, either for just sex or for a full on lover relationship. However if I where to ever stumble into it by randomly meeting the right person then I could see myself wanting to try it...but its the shock/double standard dynamic of that mere possibility, that I feel from my already poly girlfriend that I feel anxiety around.

I completely understand that most versions of poly do not include group sex. And having "been there done that" in many ways as a former swinger, its not that I want or need to have that experience. I don't need to have a 3some with her and her new lover....and I don't need to be there and watch. Its not a fear loosing her or a need to want to control things. Its perhaps I guess a form of a fear of missing out? missing the sharing of the experience. But first and foremost it really feels like its my reaction to discovering that I am actively not invited. Like if she had him over and I was home....I would not default to "pulling up a chair" and watching....but its the knowledge that in that particular scenario...the door would quite literally be closed and while everyone knows whats going on...I am excluded in a similar sense as I would be if I was merely just the roommate/friend and not her nesting lover. Whereas I would assume with everyone being aware and open and consenting etc that there would be no "hiding" of intimate things (not just sex but other common things like cuddling and kissing and calling each other babe etc) and that sure they would eventually go to the bedroom to make love and no one would be assuming I would be sitting at the foot of the bed or anything.. but that if I strolled by on the way to grab a snack and caught a glimpse of the fun and smiled and waved that would be perfectly normal to me. And I guess I'm just trying to understand why that shocks both of them so much (especially as they have both had prior group sex/swinging experiences...with different partners in the past and are open to that in the future)
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  #22  
Old 06-22-2018, 09:00 PM
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SlowPoly SlowPoly is offline
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...its the shock/double standard dynamic of that mere possibility, that I feel from my already poly girlfriend that I feel anxiety around.
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And I guess I'm just trying to understand why that shocks both of them so much
I keep imagining theatrical pearl-clutching when you say your partner and meta are ďshockedĒ at your suggestions. How has this shock been communicated?

Why are you concerned about the source of their shocked reaction? Could you simply *hear* their communications about their preferences and believe and respect them?

This doesnít mean you have to accept the mono-poly structure. Say what you need and what youíre willing to do toward getting your needs met within the relationship. Offer communication, state intentions clearly, and donít agree to things you donít want to do (like being mono when that ďdouble standardĒ seems unfair to you).

On the other issue, your partner and meta clearly have different ideas from yours about privacy and separation between the two relationships (you+girlfriend and girlfriend+meta). Again, you could believe them and not worry about why they have such a different vision. In general, itís not uncommon for people to want privacy for intimacy. A very basic tenet to consent is that consent to an act at one time and place is not consent for other acts or times and places. So prior shared experience with swinging is ... just that. Not a default position, and not an obligation for extra explanation when the same openness/familiarity/intimacy is not on offer. If you donít want to be in a relationship with someone who wants privacy in their other relationships, you donít have to stay.
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  #23  
Old 06-23-2018, 07:09 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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You are correct in that there's all sorts of potential miscommunication inherent.

I've got in trouble for suggesting that two people who are each involved with the same person (but not each other) aren't automatically themselves polyamorous -- IMO, they each are possibly monogamous.

As well, it isn't particularly rare that someone who goes haring off after some fling allows their "mono" partner similar freedom, only to go into panic mode when that partner actually becomes interested in someone else. Worse particularly when the first's NRE begins to fade & they start to rethink this whole "poly" thing & demand a return to the safe confines of monogamy. I've seen it first-hand.
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  #24  
Old 06-23-2018, 07:39 AM
mj7877 mj7877 is offline
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Originally Posted by Mtndrmz View Post
So...
After trying swinging for a few years (which I wasn't very good at, often could not perform) we have come to the realization that she is looking for a relationship with another male that is long term and love is certainly a part of it. After reading much about poly I am compersive so it won't be a problem in the long term...
,
Iím in a similar place, except I wouldnít consider myself mono, I just havenít met anyone (other than my wife) that I want a love/physical relationship with. My wife has 2 other relationships, but still thinks she is mono, and therefore sets artificial boundaries for herself (and me of course, but I have no reason to cross them at the moment). Compersion is fine, but if you donít allow yourself to become attached to others, while she is spending time with a new partner, then I think itís only a matter of time before Ďfear of lossí starts to gnaw. I guess if youíre really busy, that might not be an issue, but eventually you will have some time and if your partner isnít available at that point, then what? Isnít it better to say, oh, A isnít available, letís see if B is around, it would be nice to spend some time with her, than starting to feel any bitterness that your one partner was not there when you wanted them?
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  #25  
Old 06-23-2018, 10:52 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mj7877 View Post
Iím in a similar place, except I wouldnít consider myself mono, I just havenít met anyone (other than my wife) that I want a love/physical relationship with. My wife has 2 other relationships, but still thinks she is mono, and therefore sets artificial boundaries for herself (and me of course, but I have no reason to cross them at the moment). Compersion is fine, but if you donít allow yourself to become attached to others, while she is spending time with a new partner, then I think itís only a matter of time before Ďfear of lossí starts to gnaw. I guess if youíre really busy, that might not be an issue, but eventually you will have some time and if your partner isnít available at that point, then what? Isnít it better to say, oh, A isnít available, letís see if B is around, it would be nice to spend some time with her, than starting to feel any bitterness that your one partner was not there when you wanted them?
This fear of loss just because your partner has an OSO and you don't... I'm poly and so is my nesting partner (we both happen to be pansexual females, not that it matters), is just a false belief or fear. In our 9 year relationship, there have been plenty of times when she has an OSO and I don't, or I have an OSO and she doesn't. That doesn't affect our love for each other, our caring, our confidence in the stability of our relationship one bit.

I like Pixi having a bf. I enjoy the me-time very much. Even if she's gone for an overnight (as she is once a week nowadays) I find plenty to do to fill my free time. I actually look forward to the peace and quiet of being on my own.

When you are a poly couple, you need a certain degree of healthy independence. Too many couples, once they are in a serious relationship, become each other's entertainment, and life raft. Don't you have other friends to hang out with? Don't you have hobbies, the gym to work out at, movies to watch, books to read, Facebook to browse, youTubes to watch, video games to play, a dog to walk, a house to clean, laundry to do, yard work, a mother/father or sister/brother to call, a new recipe to try, a bar to go to to watch a game, a glass of wine and a bubble bath, a hand to masturbate with, etc., etc.?

It's funny but it's been rare, even in 9 years, that my dates with boyfriends exactly coordinate with my partners dates with her boyfriends. So we both have to fill our time when the other partner is away, or hosting a partner in our house. It's easy to do so! And we do practice kitchen table poly. So when I have a bf over, he and I do things together, sex as well as talking, or whatever, going out for dinner, but there are times when my bf and gf and I are all sitting together talking, or eating, or watching TV. We just don't share group sex. That's something Pixi and I have decided doesn't work. We tried it a little but it's always complicated and messy.

Pixi has a bf of 6 years but he prefers to host her, so I haven't met him more than a handful of times.
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  #26  
Old 06-23-2018, 04:28 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Too many couples, once they are in a serious relationship, become each other's entertainment, and life raft.
Seconded, & totally worth quoting (even putting in a FAQ).

FWIW, I've also seen triads/vees go that way, apparently sticking to the "marriage+" script.
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  #27  
Old 06-24-2018, 12:53 PM
Keke Keke is offline
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If you are feeling alone, I think you should try to go out with a girl. You will not lose anything because of it and who knows, maybe it works out for you. I am also a mono guy but now I am starting to think that I would like to have a fwb with some cute girl. No strings attached, no emotions. Just pure sex.

I saw that swinging did not work out for you but maybe some alone time wih a hot girl would work. Why not give it a go?
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