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Old 04-20-2013, 05:59 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Sorry, but you've already been told explicitly that your needs will not be met, so...

The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 04-20-2013, 04:41 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 306

DH and I just had this discussion. The whole 'secondary' thing. It gets frowned on and a lot of times for good reason. DH and I are together and BF and I are together. However, we don't like calling BF secondary. We couldn't figure out how to explain that my emotions are not ranked! So the best distinction we could come up with was this:

My relationship with BF is secondary, BF himself is not secondary.

You are being treated as if YOU are secondary, or even farther down to thirdly or something like that. That is not fair. You can have what many call a 'secondary relationship' and it be all you need or want, same with him. However, no one deserves to be treated as if they as a person or secondary by someone that claims to love them.
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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Old 04-20-2013, 06:00 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 212
Default Frames of Mind.

Sounds like K is trying to protect his wife from discomfort, and I have respect for that; he loves her, has history with her, and wants to make sure she's taken care of. Those are good qualities, and definitely deserve respect, but the conundrum is that you want to move things forward before his wife might be ready for that. No one person needs to suffer while other people are getting what they need/want - it's got to be a balance to stay healthy.

It seems like the communication doesn't need to happen with your partner, but rather your partner's wife. Have you talked to her, and asked her if it's something that she's open to the idea of? Have you shared your feelings with her, and asked her to do the same with you? Are you building trust, respect and a friendship with her on your own?

In my opinion, it can't all be one person's responsibility to move a relationship forward, and it's not the relationship structure that makes moving a relationship forward impossible. It's the communication, respect and consciousness of all of the involved members that creates healthy, happy dyas/vees. You're not just in a relationship with K - he is attached, and part of being a good metamour is having emotional maturity, concern for, and community/communication with his wife.
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Old 04-20-2013, 10:42 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 943

Originally Posted by Cutiepie View Post
I do feel second class. I dont want to walk away
I don't mean to be harsh, but...are you hoping someone will have the magic bullet?

You have talked to them. It sounds as if they've been pretty clear that what you're getting is what you're going to continue to get. So, despite living in a world with 7 billion books along the lines of How to Talk so People Will Listen and How to Get What You Want in Every Situation, and so on, the truth is, we cannot control other people.

They've told you what they're going to continue doing. Your choice now is to keep feeling hurt and frustrated, figure out how to love being the third wheel who never gets alone time, or walk away. Walking away will hurt in the short run, but you'll be happier in the long run.

Think hard about where you want to be ten years from now. Still living like this?
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Old 04-21-2013, 10:03 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 838

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Walking away will hurt in the short run, but you'll be happier in the long run.

Think hard about where you want to be ten years from now. Still living like this?

Cutiepie, you are worth so much more, do not feel you have to enable these entitled couples who want to have everything on their own terms, you have rights also. Move on, yes, it will hurt like the Dickens for a while but you will find other poly partners who will treat you with respect whilst they move on from person to person messing up relationships until they learn to start treating other people with respect and not just toys to play with.

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