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  #341  
Old 07-08-2015, 06:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ambivulous View Post
Last night, after getting some confidence that I'm not a freak or amoral person for wishing to have some more intimacy (and ulitmately sex) in a relationship, I brought it up to my wife. . . . I suggested it might it be a solution to meet some of my needs while relieving her some of the pressure to be the one to meet them.
The rest of your post sounds like it was a good initial talk. I hope you remain patient but determined to bring it up again. Some couples take a year or more of talking before anything happens, whether that is agreeing to poly or some other solution. So, no one can expect everything to be addressed and resolved in one or two or even ten conversations. It will take what it takes. But yeah, at least you broached the subject and she listened. That is a great first step. Good for you!
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  #342  
Old 07-16-2015, 08:16 AM
NoahValentine NoahValentine is offline
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I don't think asexual people are messed up. That are abnormal, however. And, importantly, I do think that asexual polys are probably messed up. But I don't have a strong opinion and could be wrong. I personally think if you are asexual you cannot be in a sexual relationship and that no polys should be asexual, by definition. But that is clearly wrong per your definitions.
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  #343  
Old 07-16-2015, 09:48 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Originally Posted by NoahValentine View Post
I don't think asexual people are messed up. That are abnormal, however. And, importantly, I do think that asexual polys are probably messed up. But I don't have a strong opinion and could be wrong. I personally think if you are asexual you cannot be in a sexual relationship and that no polys should be asexual, by definition. But that is clearly wrong per your definitions.
As someone who even after medication changes still has no libido (so I've either become asexual due to medicine, hormones, or just a change to myself) I disagree with you. Polyamory deals with love. Yes, sex may be a part but it's not a requirement. I've had some meltdowns myself due to society's teaching of all a woman is good for is sex and if you as a male aren't getting it you should get rid of her. But both Woodsmith and Tighearn have made it clear to me that our romantic and intimate relationship isn't held together by sex. Is it nice to have on the rare occasions I may get the drive? Yes. But if I don't have it than our relationships don't suffer or disappear.
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  #344  
Old 07-16-2015, 10:07 PM
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Please see the thread, Asexual Poly?, for further discussion.
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  #345  
Old 07-25-2015, 10:13 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoahValentine View Post
I don't think asexual people are messed up. That are abnormal, however. And, importantly, I do think that asexual polys are probably messed up. But I don't have a strong opinion and could be wrong. I personally think if you are asexual you cannot be in a sexual relationship and that no polys should be asexual, by definition. But that is clearly wrong per your definitions.
Yep, you are.

Let's start with "by definition." PolyAMORY is about amor, i.e. love. I have no problem with you expressing your love sexually. I express mine in other ways.

Also "by definition," "asexual" actually refers to sexual attraction. Libido is a different thing, and interest in sexual activity with others another thing again. There are various intersections between asexuals, people with low libidos, and getting turned on without an interest in sex; but these things are not identical.

As for calling people "messed up" because you can't understand their [a]sexuality? That's messed up.
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  #346  
Old 03-14-2017, 01:03 AM
alinmat alinmat is offline
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Default I think I am....

Sorry if this comes across as a reply,. I was trying to post in here.

Since I learned about polyamory I am not only intrigued, but I feel I finally found who I am.

I have always loved more than one person at a time, since I started dating. But it was always labeled as cheating. I finally married for the first time 3 yrs ago at the age of 47. I love my husband dearly, but I also love another man. its mostly the connection of the friendship/ relationship we have with the bonus of chemistry. I had gotten involved with him 10 yrs ago before my husband but nothing truly grew and he lives two states away, and we always stayed in touch. But it got physical for the first time in my first year of marriage. I have only been with him 2 times sexually but we communicate often and have gotten together just to be with each other.

I have kiddingly mentioned to my husband I want to try this- being poly, and he says OK, but I feel he thinks I am kidding. My husband is not from this country, so sometimes language and culture can be an obstacle in communication. I had him watch the show Polyamory and we both loved it. I was hoping we could launch from there, but I feel it helped me start the conversation and "normalize" the lifestyle.

I dont know where to go from here. But I feel the excitment when I talk to my lover and it brings more sensuality to my husband and he doesnt even know the true reason. I dont want to be a "cheat" I want to be out in the open about this and live fully and freely. I feel jealousy is a part of monogamy and with poly there is only love and openness.

How do I know I am truly poly and not just looking for an excuse to have a lover??

Glad to have found this site, and know I am not alone.
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  #347  
Old 03-14-2017, 01:09 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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If you're serious about it, don't kid around, actually have a frank conversation about where you are at.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alinmat View Post
How do I know I am truly poly and not just looking for an excuse to have a lover??
I don't need an excuse to have a lover, I just need mutual attraction and enough hours in the day.
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  #348  
Old 03-18-2017, 08:11 PM
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Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Oh, my... alinmat, this isn't gonna be easy to read, but I really do believe your good intentions are outrunning your brain. Please, I hope you stay around & learn -- but I feel like I'm watching you about to step over a ledge, & stopping you might get a little rough.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alinmat View Post
I feel jealousy is a part of monogamy and with poly there is only love and openness.
Nope -- reread the pamphlets.

Jealousy is part of being human. Rather, it is unbridled Romanticism that dishonestly sets up jealousy as somehow proof of True Love, & therefore a vital component. This nonsense plays a primary role in turning simple monogamy into the cult of Monogamism.

And there's plenty of actively polyamorous people who still cart around big unquestioned chunks of Romanticism.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alinmat View Post
I have kiddingly mentioned to my husband I want to try this
That is baldly passive-aggressive behavior. You are also thus setting yourself up for the later rationalization "well, I told you, & I thought you understood..." in an attempt to shift responsibility.

Stop it.

Either sit down & have a SERIOUS "I'm not being a cute fluffy airhead here" talk about your intentions, or give up on polyamory because it's too much actual work for you. Be prepared to either drop the subject forever, or to end your marriage -- there's lots of turf in the centre, certainly, but a major life change might require that you actually make a major life change.

That might mean giving up everything that "the old you" had & having the guts/honesty to grow as an individual without needing to cling to Old You & all her little safety blankets... like a husband to clean up any messes that might happen.

And if you're not ready to make such a drastic change, then be honest, & step away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alinmat View Post
I dont want to be a "cheat"
And there we go with passive aggression again. As Berne would point out, the sentence is properly presented as
Quote:
Well, I don't want to be a cheat, but...
indicating you're willing to be "seduced" or "talked into" something or maybe plead that you were swept away by the moment (or other such Romanticist claptrap).

Quote:
Originally Posted by alinmat View Post
I want to ... live fully and freely.
An individual cannot live fully OR freely as half of a couple, especially when that dyad occurs before conversion to polyamory. Okay, that's my prejudice, but I've seen it proven a hundred times over. You had freedom before you married, before you even met your husband -- embrace that.

Quote:
How do I know I am truly poly and not just looking for an excuse to have a lover?
I'm of the opinion that "polyamory" is the peak of a steep & somewhat crumbly mountain. Most times, we're merely trudging gamely upward, Sisyphus without a rock... but often circling around, stopping to enjoy the view, running downhill for the hell of it, or whatever. The thing is, even when we get to that sharp point, there's only so long we can remain up there before weslip off (however little) & resume climbing.

You might "be poly" by being ruthlessly honest with yourself, by being direct & unequivocal with those nearest to you, & by refusing to allow "misunderstanding" to cast shadows where any dishonesty can hide (or be cunningly hidden). Root out, recognize, & get rid of Romanticist garbage -- the more you cling to, the less poly you can ever become.
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